It's a Sensitive World

Saturday said, "I give up."

I said, "What are you going to do with your time?"

Saturday said, "Finger paint."

I said, "But you have no fingers."

Saturday looked off into the distance and began to cry. It's hard to go through an entire day without hurting someone.

It's Not Important

It was early. The sun was just rising. But then the sun stopped halfway.

I said to the sun, "Excuse me, but is something the matter?"

The sun said, "I think I forgot something."

I said, "What was it?"

The sun said, "I don't remember."

I said, "Then you probably didn't need it anyway."

The sun said, "You're right" and continued its advance to the noon day position.

What's Real?

I had lunch with former CBS News anchorman Dan Rather. I told him that I don't care for the news. I said real life means nothing to me. I like the make believe.

He told me then that I should love the news. He said most of it was made up. The Watergate break-in and hearings was a sketch that Dan Rather co-wrote with then President Nixon. Nixon was bored with the day to day goings on in the White House and wanted to spice things up.

Dan Rather said that the Vietnam war was completely made up. He and some of his journalist friends wanted to spend some time in Asia. The falling of the Berlin Wall was something Walter Cronkite came up with when he was having renovation work done on his home. The 2000 U.S. Presidential Election chad chaos was an idea NBC's Brian Williams came up with when he was standing in line at the DMV.

I asked Dan Rather what was actually true on the news. He said the water-skiing squirrel. Dan Rather said no one could have written something that good.

Wishing

I sat out on the hill with Winnie the Pooh.

Pooh said, "Oh, I wish I had some honey."

I said, "But you're a stuffed doll and have no needs for sustenance."

Pooh said, "A wish isn't a need. A wish is something your mind invents and shows you with great gusto and relish."

I said, "I wish I had a full head of hair."

Pooh said, "Great Expectations magazine said that the majority of women desire a bald man. A shiny head instills confidence."

Prophecy Fullfilled

The ghost of General and U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower joined me for my morning walk.

I said, "Did you enjoy being a general?"

Eisenhower said, "I don't much remember that time of my life. Often I reminisce about meals that I've eaten. I'm enthralled with a beef brisket I ate while in France during World War II."

I said, "Lately I've been thinking about a fight I got into with Jimmy Harper when I was in fifth grade. He punched me in the stomach. I literally couldn't breath for ten seconds!"

Eisenhower said, "Then there was the savory Chicken a la King that was served one night at the White House for a dinner with the Shah of Iran. My mouth is watering as I speak of it."

I said, "I also remember getting into a fight when I was an adult. I was 25 and dressed in a suit. Charles Mounts kept picking on me, so I punched him in the chest. He left me alone after that. But unfortunately so did everyone else in the office."

Eisenhower cried and said, "When I was six, I fell down and skinned my knees. My mother brought me in to the kitchen and made me an egg creme. The sweet taste soothed away my tears."

I said, "When I was eleven, I played the Game of Life with my friend Dan Ryder. I was losing. It was hard because it was one of those games that once you get behind, you can never catch up and win. I got angrier and angrier. Finally I flipped the board in the air and all the pieces went flying. Dan said what I did was unfair. I said it was allowed in the directions. We couldn't find the directions, so we had to write to Milton-Bradley to get a new copy. Six weeks later the directions arrived. Dan read them and pointed out that there was no mention of it being okay to flip the board in the air. I pointed out that in the real game of life, there are no directions. We can do whatever we feel like. Dan said I was right, but living that way will leave me friendless, with no one but the spirits to converse with."

Eisenhower said, "Your friend was right."

Difficulty at New Job

I took a job as the editor for the New York Times. It was difficult at first because I don't like wearing a tie. I told them this and they said it was a requirement. I said as a living creature, I think we're pre-disposed to not want to tie a noose around our necks. They suggested I write about this for my first editorial.

Where I Got My Start

I traveled back in time to the moment of my conception. I found myself standing outside a car as my mom and dad made out inside the car. It was awkward.

The car was shaking. My parents sounded like they were lifting weights. Then the shaking and their sounds stopped.

I heard my mom gasp. She said something that I couldn't make out. My dad unrolled the window.

My dad said, "What are you doing?! Get the hell out of here!!"

My dad sounded scared. It can be very scary when you're naked because of the increased vulnerability.

I said, "You don't recognize me. You will. But not yet."

My dad was quiet and reflective. It's said that when we procreate, a piece of us is in what's born.

First Tan

I was laying out in my back yard, getting a tan next to the ghost of George Washington. It's so weird seeing a former founding father president in his bathing suit. It almost looked like his body was photo-shopped to his head.

George Washington said that he never had a tan before. He asked how long it would take. I said judging by the extreme paleness of his body, he would look like a tomato in a few minutes. He said, "Most dandy!"

My next door neighbor joined us. She's pretty cute. George Washington started hitting on her. She ignored him. I thought if she knew who he actually was, she might be interested. I felt that way last week when the ghost of Susan B. Anthony made a pass at me.

You Try to Do the Best You Can

I decided to build myself a house. I bought a lot of bricks, cement, wood and nails. I didn't create a blueprint. I like to work intuitively.

It took two weeks. When it was done, I moved my family into our new home.

They weren't comfortable at first. I forgot to buy glass for windows, so the open spaces let in wind, rain, cold and various animals. I did what I read in a relationship book, which was to listen to my family's complaints, and then repeat back what they said so they felt heard. It made things okay for a little while.

But then one night my wife was attacked by a mosquito swarm and she was so upset she took our kids and moved into a hotel. I tried repeating back what she said over the phone, but she hung up.

I sat by myself in my house.

I said, "Well, it looks like it's just you and me."

The house said, "Oh, geez"and caved in on itself. I was spared because an open space landed around me.

I left and went to the hotel where my family was staying. I crawled in bed next to my wife. I put my arm around her. I fell asleep.

Mistook

I went to the zoo. I went to the muskrat cage. The muskrat looked at me glumly.

I said, "Is it hard to live in a zoo? I mean do you wish you were out in the wild?"

The muskrat said, "I don't know the wild. I've never lived outside of the zoo."

So I broke open the muskrat's cage, went in and grabbed the muskrat, and snuck the muskrat out to my car.

We went to a McDonald's drive in. I got three orders of fries. I handed them to the muskrat who ate them and then threw up in my car. The muskrat apologized. I felt badly. Sometimes I think I know what's best for someone else, but I'm often wrong.

Ulterior Motives

I went to see the Harry Potter movie with the Dalai Lama.

As the movie started, the D. Lama said, "These movies are about breaking the barriers we place on our souls."

I said, "Maybe, but I really like the air conditioning."

The Thing Is...

I was tired of driving, so I parked, got out, and climbed onto a low flying cloud. The thing is, clouds are puffy and soft, so you don't want to get off. I rode for a while.

The cloud stopped over Antarctica. The cloud broke apart as it snowed. I fell. The thing is, snow drifts are soft but not that soft, so it hurt when I landed.

I got up and walk around. I shivered. I found some penguins and got between them for warmth. The thing is, penguins are like portable room heaters that are not adjustable, so I started to sweat. I pushed the penguins away to cool down, and I turned into an ice cube.

Time passed. Months. Soon came the spring thaw. I was able to move again. I walked to a service road. I hitched a ride with a park ranger. The thing is, they rarely see people, so the park ranger wouldn't stop talking, and it gave me a headache.

The park ranger dropped me off at the boat dock and I got a ride from a barge heading to South America. On arriving, I caught a flight back to Chicago. Once there, I took a cab to my car. The thing is, if you leave your car sitting for a long time, the fluids get dank, and it can become hard to start your car. I called a tow truck. They brought my car to the shop, and six hours and $2,406 later I got in and drove home.

The thing is, it's easy to put things in perspective over time, but this never helps you in the moment when you most need it.

Where I Cane To

I got in my canoe in the waters off of Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, to begin my attempt to cross the Atlantic Ocean. There was no fanfare to send me off. That's probably because I didn't tell anyone I was going to do it. I tend to be private.

Within a few hours I looked back and could no longer see the coast. This gave me confidence. I looked down at my supplies: a compass, fifteen packs of Twizzlers, a fishing pole, a toaster oven, a mini-generator, and a water purifier. I was especially proud that I didn't bring my cell phone. I needed a break from checking email.

A few days later, I took a break from rowing and laid back in the canoe. I saw a pack of sea-gulls. The sea-gulls flew down and landed in the water next to me. One of the sea-gulls told me they noticed my compass. They were trying to find Aruba and were lost and wanted my help. I pointed them in the direction of south-west. They appreciated my help. Then they asked me for some Twizzlers. I gave them a pack. They partook and then flew off.

I'm impatient, so let's skip ahead 57 days. I spotted land. I rowed till I reached the beach. I got out. Off in the distance I noticed an elderly lady sitting on a bench. I walked over to her.

I said, "Excuse me, ma'am. But do you know where I am?"

The elderly lady said, "No, I'm sorry but I don't."

I looked around and saw nothing but open space. There were no roads or buildings.

I said, "What are you waiting for?"

The elderly lady said, "Nothing."

I sat down on the bench next to her.

Helpful Tip

I got hit by lightening. It hurt. I yelled at the lightening. The lightening apologized. I realized the lightening couldn't help it and said don't worry about it. The lightening struck me again.

Basically I just need to stay indoors during a thunderstorm.

New Found Friends

The power was out. I lit a candle and sat on the couch in my living room. I thought, "Finally, some quiet time."

But it was not to be.

A gathering of mice and rats soon appeared in my living room. It seemed to me that they do this every night when I go to sleep. The lights were out and they assumed it was business as usual.

I cleared my throat and introduced myself. The rats and mice began to scatter but I implored them to stay. I mentioned that I like animals and mean them no harm. The rats and mice calmly returned.

I momentarily excused myself and went to the kitchen and took out of the refrigerator a big hunk of mozzarella cheese. I sliced the cheese up into small bits, put them on a plate, and brought the cheese to the living room for my new friends and I to enjoy.

While we feasted, we shared stories. One of the rats told a harrowing tale of being chased and cornered by the neighbor's persian cat. The rat asked for one last wish, which the persian cat granted. The rat asked for a kiss from the persian cat's lips. The cat was stunned, but acquiesced . They kissed. It was a passionate embrace that lasted for minutes. Neither wanted the kiss to end. Finally when it did, the persian cat declared it had lost the desire to eat the rat.

I made a joke that would a similar situation ensue if the mozzarella cheese could speak. No one laughed.

Reverence For Life

I was changing the oil in my car when the ghost of famous philosopher Albert Schweitzer stopped by.

Albert Schweitzer said, "Changing the oil in my Model T always brought me great solace from the pressures of my work day."

I said, "It's funny that you felt pressure being a philosopher. I thought philosophy was supposed to be a way to introduce and extend peace of mind into our daily lives."

Albert Schweitzer said, "Alas, we chase the elusive quietude that is so silent it remains undiscovered."

I said, "I always feel good putting my hand on my girlfriend's ass. What more is there?"

Albert Schweitzer said, "I once went on a date with Betty Grable. I lost all composure and acted as if I were a gibbon in heat. In the midst of my embarrassment with my animal nature, I suddenly was entranced and overcome by the peace that surpasseth all understanding."

I removed the oil filter and warm and dirty oil flowed out onto the oil pan below.

Detour

I walked on water. I needed to get across the lake and time was of the essence. I didn't really think about it. But then someone taped it and put it on youtube and there was a big to-do.

Suddenly people were calling and asking me to teach them how to walk on water. I asked them if they needed to get across a body of water and were in a hurry. They said no. They wanted to be able to impress their friends.

I said a good way to impress people is to give them gifts. They got angry at me and hung up.

It's So Nice We Had This Time Together

This morning I had breakfast with Carol Burnett. I'm a big fan. I used to watch her TV show when I was a kid.

I said, "What do you dream about?"

Carol Burnett said, "Last night I dreamnt I was crossing the country by foot with Jimmy Stewart. We don't say much. Mostly it was nice to have the company. How about you?"

I said, "I had this dream where I was the Earth, and I was tired and bored of orbiting around the Sun, so I left and went wandering around the solar system. Eventually I found a nice place to park. After a few minutes I got depressed when I realized that I felt no different."

Carol looked off.

I said, "Is everything okay?"

Carol said, "I was trying to remember why I agreed to have breakfast with you."

Oh, Well part three

I bought a haunted house. I asked the ghosts if they would help with the housework in exchange for room and board. They accepted. I think anyone that is acting wacky in some kind of way just needs something to do.

Oh, Well part 2

The camel said, "Look, I'm tired of being ridden. I'd rather go for walks by myself."

I said okay. The camel was never a comfortable ride. Plus it was cumbersome traveling with a shovel and a large burlap bag.

Oh, well

I woke up this morning in a strange bed. My mattress was on the rings of Saturn.

I quickly got over my puzzlement though when I became dazzled by the view.

Dry Ice

I went for a walk on the glacier.

I said to the glacier, "Do you ever get bored?"

The glacier said, "Occasionally. What I end up doing is waiting till midnight when everyone is sleeping, then I melt, evaporate, catch some wind and travel to and rain on New York City. Then I go through the reverse process and come back by sunrise."

I slipped and slid down the length of the glacier. I ended up on the grass below.

Helping History

I was relaxing in my living room when my sofa and home disappeared. I was free-falling through time.

I heard snippets of phrases fly by, like, "Joan, I don't care for this melted slurpee..." "Look, this is no place for an elephant!" Time travel is like flipping through the pages in a book without having time to notice what's on them, but every once in a while you glimpse some words or catch a face in a photo.

Suddenly I landed in Appomattox Court House, April 9, 1865. Confederate General Robert E. Lee was surrendering to Union General US Grant. I sensed it was an awkward moment. When someone surrenders to you, they are basically saying they are sorry. You want to point at them and say, "In your face!" or skip around the room singing Hooray! But you also want to prevent the other person from getting angry and starting up their craziness all over again.

After the surrender I went up to General Lee and offered my condolences.

General Lee said, "I appreciate your kind words, but I worry how the future shall see me. Will I be a cur and a viper in my children's children's children's eyes?"

I said, "Yours is not to worry. I am from the future and I triumphantly and respectfully play you in my second grade's school play about the Civil War."

General Lee said, "You man, this news soothes my aching and broken soul."

I didn't tell General Lee that I forgot my lines, peed my pants, and was booed off stage.

Rough Patch

Mary Todd Lincoln, President Lincoln's wife, joined me in my garden.

Mary Todd said, "When I was alive, I spent most of my days tending to the White House garden. I was desperate for tenderness and soft pettles were my dearest of friends."

I said, "I don't grow anything tender. The bugs and the weather have a way of devouring and destroying them. I prefer growing turnips and beets."

Mary Todd Lincoln became downcast. I felt like an idiot. Mrs. Lincoln was looking for some kindness and I was being rough-hewn.

So I said, "Um, you look kind of nice."

Mary Todd Lincoln blushed and fluttered her eye lashes and said, "Oh my! Why you are much, much, much too kind sir!"

Oh my God, I hit on Lincoln's wife!