What We Set Out to Do

My dog Rexy and I announced that we were going to walk around the world.

We set out with great expectations, but after about ten miles we got tired and took a cab home.

On the way back, the cabbie looked back and said, "Hey, aren't you the two who were going to walk around the globe?"

We said yes and that we changed our minds.

The cabbie said, "My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't start taking better care of myself. So I said that I would. That lasted about a day."

Brooks Serenades You from the Bathroom

Sailing!

I went sailing with Jesus. Jesus kept complaining about the wind, and how cold he was, and that he was nauseous.

I said to Jesus that he should be more positive and hopeful.

Jesus pushed me off the boat and then tossed me a life preserver.

Late Night Call

I called up God late last night. God said, "What is it, Brooks?"

I said, "I'm sorry to call so late."

God said, "Then why call?"

I said, "Um, you don't sleep, do you?"

God said, "Just-what is it?"

I said, "Okay, is it true that I have to ask you for what I want to get what I want?"

God didn't say anything. I heard God sigh and then bang the phone repeatedly on the ground.

I don't know what to say

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Bowie

I sat out on the rim of Crater National Park with my friend David Bowie. We sat together and said nothing.

Eventually David Bowie started to snore. He's one of those people who can sleep while sitting. He's so talented!

The Situation

My pet crocodile, Chaucer, is a gum chewer. And he chews with his mouth open. It drives me nuts.

Chaucer hates that I'm always cracking my knuckles.

I don't know how anyone gets along.