Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Year's End

I was woken up in the middle of the night by a distraught and in tears 2014.

I asked what was wrong.

2014 said, "I have so much left to accomplish."

I said, "Look, I think you're tired. It's time to stop and rest."

2014 started crying even harder.

I asked what was wrong now.

2014 said, "You're so nice to me!"

Sunday, December 28, 2014

The Talk

God showed up in my living room.

I didn't say anything.

God said, "Aren't you glad to see me?"

I said that I always feel like a fool when we talk.

God said, "Would you like to watch TV instead?"

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

The Conclusion

I sat on a tree stump in the forest. A deer came up to me.

I said to the deer that I wished I could live in the peace and quiet of the woods.

The deer said, "I long for the excitement of city living. "

I said that constant excitement leads to exhaustion.

The deer said, "Endless sublimity leads to dullness of the mind and eventually the spirit." 

I said that it seems that nothing in the universe is essentially fulfilling.

The deer said, "What's the point in living?"

Suddenly a grizzly bear came out from behind the trees, running and roaring, with claws in the air.

The deer and I looked at each other and ran.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

4th Step

I'm working the 4th step of the 12 Step Program. I'm at the part where you list all your resentments - the people you're still angry with.

Here's one: I was the waiter at the Last Supper. Jesus and all his disciples were in a dour mood, and they forgot to leave a tip.

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Woke to This

The Sun called me late last night and woke me up. The Sun was in tears. I asked why.

The Sun said, "Just so you know, when it's night, I don't turn into the Moon. It's a dirty rotten lie the Moon is spreading."

Monday, December 15, 2014

Helpful Hint

How to Relax:

WHAT'S THAT BEHIND YOU!?!?

Oh, nothing. What a relief.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

I'm forming a group for people who have a hard time saying, "No."

I'd like you to join but I'm afraid you might say, "Yes" when you want to say, "No."

Come to think of it, I'm not sure I want to be in this group. But I feel like I have to be in it because I've formed the group.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Ride

I was feeling kind of riled up about something ridiculous, and I got in my car and started driving. 

After many miles I got to South Dakota and saw Mt. Rushmore from the road. 

The face of Teddy Roosevelt looked down and said, "Where you going?" 

I said I didn't know. 

The face of Teddy Roosevelt said, "Can I come with you?" 

I said sure. 

The face of Teddy Roosevelt didn't fit in the car, so I strapped him to the roof. It dented the roof a little, but it was nice to have the company.

Monday, December 8, 2014

Paper

I was reading the Sunday New York Times, when the paper suddenly woke up. It last remembered being a tree and asked me what was going on.

I explained that it had been cut down, turned into pulp, and then converted into a newspaper.

The paper took it hard.

My co-dependency led me to take the paper outside, dig a hole in the ground, role the paper up, and stick it vertically in the hole.

I stood back and said, "There you go."

The paper said, "Really?!"

Friday, December 5, 2014

Peace of Mind?

I was feeling too internet needy. So I took my rocket ship to the Moon because the extremely weak wi-fi signal up there doesn't make it worth going online.

I had to take a two-and-a-half hour walk on the Moon to soothe my jangly nerves.

Finally I felt peaceful.

But then I kind of messed things up by coming back to Earth so I could send you this post.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Quarter!

Yesterday, I spontaneously turned into a quarter.

I spent some time in warm pockets. I was tossed into a pile of other (smelly) quarters in a cash register drawer. And once I was accidentally dropped on the sidewalk, and I got stepped on a lot, but was never injured.

At one point, I ended up in the change return part of a pay phone. I didn't know pay phones even existed anymore!

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Change of Seasons

I woke up to discover snow in my front yard.

I went outside and asked the snow to leave. The snow said it wasn't going anywhere.

I went back out to my garage and got out a can of gasoline and a pack of matches. I came back to the front yard, poured the gasoline on the snow, and lit it with a match.

The snow caught fire and melted. There was nothing left but smouldering, blackened grass.

I love springtime!