Shhhh - Art Opening

Last night I had my big art opening at the Unicorn Cafe. The thing is, the cafe didn't know about the opening. I did it at one am. My girlfriend is the janitor and she got me in with her key. We had to be sneaky because we couldn't turn on the main lights. So we wore miner helmets. I love them. I actually use mine at night to read in bed. Miners are smart people because their life depends on it.

After we got all the art up on the walls, my girlfriend said that it wasn't an opening unless people came to see the art beside us. We went to local homeless shelter to recruit openers. The great thing about homeless people is they are up all hours of the night. It's hard to relax enough to sleep when you don't have a home of your own.

When we got back to the cafe we decided to document the showing since in the morning the cafe owners would see what we'd done and ditch the art. We turned the lights on and took some quick shots.

Thursday Night's Escapade

I love M&Ms. My friend Foster bet me that I couldn't eat two-thousand five hundred of them in one sitting. I asked him what he bet. He said that he would give me a life-time supply of M&Ms. But if I couldn't do it, I would have to quit eating M&Ms and substitute mandrakes. I took the offer. I couldn't imagine saying, "Enough, no more of my tasty friends."

Foster went to Target and brought back 125 bags of economy-sized M&Ms. I'd never seen so many at one time. It was like a beautiful field of lilies, but M&Ms. I proceeded. I couldn't believe how much of a sucker Foster was. I felt a little badly for him. How could he afford to supply me with M&Ms for the rest of my life? What if he were to die soon? Would I inherit the money it would take to keep me in my chocolaty paradise? What's a mandrake? Then I remembered Harry Potter 6 when the kids pull the live mandrake roots from the potting soil and how loudly they screamed. I imagined the mandrakes in my body, punching the inside of my stomach, trying to get out. I felt dizzy. I passed out.

When I came to I was in the emergency room. They had to pump my stomach. Supposedly when you eat more than a tenth of your weight in chocolate, your stomach collapses and they have to hook it up to a battery charger. The emergency people showed the battery charger to me. It was a Sears Die-Hard battery hooked up to a generator.

Thank You for Being a Friend

I have a job where I paint fire-hydrants. They come down the assembly line and I spray paint them bright red. But the thing is I'm not good with repetition. I remember when I was a kid and my teachers would get upset at me for miss-spelling words. I'd say, "It's the same word, just a different shade."

So I started painting the fire-hydrants yellow with purple polka-dots. I added the purple because it's yellow's complimentary color. In other words, it looked good.

The shift supervisor came over and said, "What the hell is this?!?"

I said, "Personally I feel it's going to make the fire-hydrants easier to see. It will allow the fire-fighters to do their job more quickly. Overall, isn't that the point here?"

The shift supervisor said, "Confoundit!" I was fired and I went outside and started walking back home.

A mutt street dog joined me. The dog said, "How come so down?"

I thought, "Why can't I just do what I'm asked?"

The dog said, "My person used to yell at me to try and get me to sit. The thing is, I didn't want to sit. So I left. Food's a little harder to come by, but it's nicer without the leash."

I felt better instantly. The dog and I spent the day walking down alley-ways. We even chased a cat.

Perhaps Some Change

I got a Venus fly-trap on Friday. I set it up in my living room. I was so excited at the prospect of it devouring flies. I waited for the feast to begin. Flies buzzed around the fly-trap. One landed right inside the mouth. I was shaking in anticipation. But the fly-trap didn't eat it. The fly flew away.

I said to the Venus fly-trap, "What's wrong?"

The fly-trap said, "What do you mean?"

I said, "How come you didn't eat the fly?"

The fly-trap said, "I don't care for flies."

I said, "What do you mean? It's in your name. It's what you do."

The fly-trap said, "Your name is Brooks, but you're not actually a flowing stream of water."

I said, "This is very disappointing. What is it then that you eat?"

The fly-trap said, "I prefer sunlight and water."

I was so angry that I wanted to throw the Venus fly-trap out my window to the street below which I'd done last week with a sunflower that wanted to live in the darkness of my closet. But like my girlfriend is always saying, "You out to really develop a sense of compassion."

So I said, "Okay." I put the fly-trap near the window where the sunlight falls. I watered the plant. Then I sat and waited to see if my heart would grow.

Deana Bish

When I was seven, I went on my first date. It was with Deana Bish. We were in first grade together. I asked her if she wanted to walk down the hallway with me, from our English class to History. She got nervous and turned tomato red. I thought something was wrong with her medically. I asked if I should get the school nurse. She said no in a kind of painful sound.

We stood there in silence. We were both trembling. That was nice. It was my first feeling of togetherness. I blurted out,"I love you." She said, "What?" I said that I had just sneezed. She said bless me.

Deana said she thought she was going to throw up. I showed up in my manliness by giving her my lunch bag. The thing is, I didn't think she was actually going to throw up. When she did I had the surprise feeling of being there for her and wondering what I would do for lunch. She handed me back my lunch bag. She was embarrassed and looked down.

I got the confidence to start walking towards History class. I grabbed the sleeve of her shirt. I was so excited to feel the warmth of her skin on the sleeve that I dropped my lunch bag and she stepped on it and slipped and fell and I came with her.

I saw flashing lights and passed out. I woke up in the nurse's office. The nurse said she called my mom and she was going to be there any minute. I was so excited to tell my mom about my first date!

Tears?

Last night I was watching The Road Warrior with my pet raccoon, Dusty. It's her favorite movie. At the end when Mad Max takes on the marauders in an intense highway battle, Dusty would always stand up on her hind legs, waving her front claws, and go, "Cla-Cla-Cla!!" Even though I knew what would happen, I'd get caught up in her excitement.

The thing is, last night, as the marauders crashed head-on into each other and died, Dusty keeled over and dropped dead onto the living room floor. At first I thought she learned a new trick. I actually thought that I would video the next time she did that so I could share it with you. But then I realized. I was so sad.

I went out to the garage and got out a shovel and went and dug a hole in my backyard. I went back into my house and wrapped Dusty up in a sheet. I carried her out to the grave and dropped her in. I tossed in her favorite toys. I thanked her for being a faithful friend and then I filled in the hole with dirt.

I went back in and cried. I was embarrassed that I was so emotional. I like to think that I can be a strong person who can rise above feelings. But I think that's because I have a good imagination.

Opps

My grandmother on her death bed pulled me close and whispered in my ear that part of my ancestry is pelican. I left the room and went outside. I walked across the sand and stood at the water's edge. My heart opened wide and I thought, "I have another home."

I saw a carp zip through the water. I lept in the air and landed in the water face first with my mouth wide open. I caught the fish in my mouth. The fish thrashed around. I chewed the fish and swallowed it whole. I felt alive.

I went back inside. I knelt next to my grandmother and whispered to her about my fishy meal. She said that she was just joking about being part pelican. She said that everyone was so depressed about her health that she felt the need lighten the room.

I felt like an idiot. But I also realized it had felt good to be outside and swim in the lake. Plus I wasn't hungry.

Found a Way to Help

This morning I went to the well. I drew the bucket up and was surprised to find it filled with Mountain Dew. Normally I would be upset at the well and ask why and demand that it gives me fresh water. But I sensed a gentler approach would be helpful.

I said, "What a nice morning."

The well said, "Whatever."

I said, "Yes, I love the sunlight shimmering the dew on the grass."

The well said, "I hadn't noticed that...I guess it's kind of nice."

I said, "Did I ever tell you how much I like the sound of your voice?"

The well said, "Really?"

I said, "Yes, it's my favorite part of the morning."

The well pulled the bucket back down to the water. The bucket came back up with fresh water. I unattached the bucket.

The wall said, "You have a great day!"

I waved and said, "You too!"

Practically Speaking

I was relaxing tonight at home when the ghost of the philosopher William James appeared. I recognized him because my girlfriend is a big fan of him and has a full length echograph photograph taken of him in his bathing suit at the beach in Cannes in 1890.

He appeared to be disgruntled. I asked him if he would like some toast. Ghosts are appeased by dry, crunchy warm things. He smiled and said yes. I made the toast and he sat and enjoyed it at my kitchen table. While he chewed I admired his suit. There were no holes or frays. I was raised on horror movies, especially the zombie films, and am used to the undead being slovenly. But it turns out they tend to be well attired. I imagine they have the free time to be concerned about their appearance.

After William James finished the toast, he began to tell me how he was much closer to delineating his theory of pragmatism. I suggested that perhaps it's nothing that one could ever completely unfold since the essence of the investigation is the questioner herself and awareness can never know itself. William James said that essentially I was correct, but the waves of investigation can never be thwarted.

I have a low tolerance for philosophy so I agreed with William James. I've been finding that agreeing with whatever anyone says has made my life much easier. As Charles Peirce, the founder of pragmatism said, "essentially what makes life most practical will find me burrowing into it."

Where to Sleep

Well, I just made it home. It was a seven day walk back from Akron, Ohio to Evanston, IL. I'm sitting on my bed in a daze. It feels strange to be indoors. I slept outside every night for a week.

I think I might sleep outside tonight. There's a little patch of grass in front of my apartment. There's something about the padding of grass or leaves that surpasses a mattress.

The thing is I'm more worried about the threat of a stranger then the wild animals of the outdoors. So maybe I'll forgo it for tonight. Unless I pull my car up onto the grass and sleep under the car for protection like our cats did when I was a kid.

Though there was that terrible morning that my dad left extra early for work and we had to say goodbye to Smokey.

Precaution

This long trek home is distorting my mind. A car just pulled over to the side of the road to offer me a ride. A gray Persian cat was the driver. I said I had to decline because it's important for me complete the walk. But the truth is, I case I wasn't hallucinating, I said no because of my intense allergy to cats.

Fanciful

It's a little after midnight. I just crossed the Illinois boarder. My feet hurt. I feel like I've been walking about two months.

I think it was a romantic notion to walk back from Akron. I've often been inspired by grand ideals. When I was in second grade I decided to learn Russian. There was a foreign exchange student named Ivinka in my school. I had a made crush on her. I told her that I would learn Russian and travel back to live with her in her country at the end of Spring. I spent my entire allowance savings on Russian foreign language tapes. I studied and pushed my little weary mind to the brink. I mastered the language but ending up failing second grade and had to repeat. I didn't end up going to Russia. My parents wouldn't let me.

As I type and walk along the freeway, I'm being followed by a pack of coyotes. I think they're attracted to the glowing light on my iPhone. Plus I'm exhausted which makes me probable food. I like their high pitched whining. It sounds like a dog's voice if it came through a violin.

Refreshments!

I'm on day 5 of my walk back to Chicago. This morning I passed through Gary, Indiana.

I was feeling tired and was uncertain about my progress today when I spotted a cow out in a field off the highway. I walked over to the cow.

I said, "Excuse me, I was wondering if I could have some of your refreshments?"

The cow said, "Sure, that would be okay."

Usually I don't care for milk. There isn't much flavor and it's so white. But this was delicious.

I said, "That was so tasty, thanks!"

The cow said, "You're welcome. Where are you from?"

I was feeling a little hallucinogenic from the milk and said, "I'm a child of the sun and the moon." And then I started dancing out in the field. I held my arms out and sway danced in sloppy circles. I was joined by a purple and polka dot horse. Though, in retrospect, I doubt it.

Church Time

This morning on my walk back to Chicago I stopped at a church in Michigan City. I haven't been to church since I was 12. I thought I'd see what was new.

A preacher named Harlen Grayson stepped up to the pulpit. He said that God watches us all closely, sometimes as an encourager and other times as a chastiser. I thought, "Well, God must be my mind."

Then they passed the collection plate. I was out of cash so I gave a stick of mint gum and a leaf I'd found and been carrying for the past couple of hours.

Then Harlen asked if there were any newcomers. I raised my hand. He asked me where I was from. I said Brighton because that's where I slept last night, in Selnor's Park, huddled between two coyotes. I think they thought that meant I was homeless because after the service they ushered me to the front of the church's under-earner's homeless soup kitchen line.

The Trip Continues

I'm on my walk back from Ohio. I'm on the 90 West in Indiana. I'm walking on the grassy side part ten feet from the highway. I find the passing of the trucks from behind gives me a nice push and momentum.

Earlier as I passed through Bowling Green, Ohio I was joined by a deer. We didn't say much but it was nice. Lonely travelers appreciate the presence of companionship.

What's Up

I was feeling low and I left things behind and went for a walk. I walked past the night into the day. Around noon I was feeling better and I looked up to see where I was.

It was Akron, Ohio. I was hungry. I went to a cafe called the Grapevine. I sat and ordered at double-cheeseburger. It was delicious. I added about half a bottle of ketchup. The waitress asked if everything was okay. I told the waitress that I like ketchup.

I went back outside. I realized my feet hurt from all the walking. I went to Lucky Shoes. I told them that I'd walked from Chicago and I needed some ped-comfort. They gave me a pair of purple Sidewinders. I said, "I'll take them." They asked if I at least wanted to try them on. I said, "My feet like purple."

I'm walking back to Chicago now. I'm typing this on my iPhone. I wanted to share what's going on.

Dilemma

I have a geyser in my backyard. It goes off every morning at 8:05. I use it to take a shower. Sometimes the tourists get upset at my nudity. The thing is if I don't bathe, the same people get upset at my body odor.

Late Night Grieving

I recently got a job at a graveyard. I'm a security guard in the evenings. I make sure no one breaks into the cemetery. I patrol the grounds and look for suspicious things. Mostly it's dark and quiet. This is good for my mind. Most jobs get me agitated and I say something wrong to my supervisor and I get fired.

Last night I was making my rounds when I came upon a horse. I was startled. Horses are much bigger than you think. The horse neighed. To calm the horse down I gave it a Milky Way bar that I had in my pocket. The interesting thing about horses is that they take their time with whatever they are eating. This horse took forty-five minutes. While it savored, I pet its head. I felt like I was petting a dinosaur with fur.

When the horse was done with its snack, I said, "What brings you out here?"

The horse said, "My person that used to ride me died last year. I came to visit her grave."

I said, "What's her name?"

The horse said, "Mildred Hayes."

I looked up Mildred's grave-site on my map. We walked over to Mildred's grave.

I said, "I'll give you some time to yourself" and walked on. I figured the horse would be there for a while since their hearts are so big. I heard their hearts are as big as a toaster oven. I don't know how they get over anything.

We Figured Out a Solution

The tree outside my apartment window has been keeping me awake at night. It's spring and the tree grows leaves and extends branches at all hours of the day and night.

I kept quiet about my anger for a while because I like to see the new and shining limbs and leaves. But the sleep loss caught up to me and I went outside last night and said, "What the hell!"

The tree said, "Is there a problem?"

I said, "Seriously, can't you wait until the morning?"

The tree said, "I took the entire winter off. I can't afford to be idle."

I said, "If you lived by yourself in a forest I could understand your position. But you're keeping me awake."

The tree thought about it and then said, "What if I promise to keep it down?"

I said, "I think that would be okay."

I went back to bed. I laid there and listened. I thought I heard some rustling. But then I figured it was the wind, and I fell quickly asleep.