Friday, February 28, 2014

If you live your life like a log floating down a river, people will say you're lazy. 

But at least you won't catch fire.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

New Job

I took my time machine back to Richmond in 1839 and got a job working for Burton's Gentleman's magazine. I was hired as a writer. The editor, my boss, was Edgar Allen Poe.

I was assigned to write about a law that was passed that allowed women to own property. Poe wanted me to slant it to point out the law's "absurdity."

I said, "Change is inevitable. When it's circumscribed, we wear ourselves down in useless turmoil."

He said, "Your foolish temperament is the definition of impudence!"

I thought about the time difference and said, "You're probably right."

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Roomie

I got a new roommate through Craigslist. He's the former President of Ukraine, Viktor Yanukovych.

Viktor moved in yesterday. He didn't have many things because he had to move quickly. He only had a suitcase of clothes and some books. 

He was exhausted and slept till noon today.

Sunday, February 23, 2014

Resolved

I was feeling sad. 

A cloud came down from the sky and asked what was wrong. 

I said that I miss the sun because the cloud was covering it up. 

The cloud felt badly and started to cry. 

After that there was no more cloud and I was happy.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Whatever doesn't kill you helps educate the thing that eventually will.

Sunday, February 16, 2014

TV

Last night I watched myself on TV.

At one point I saw my TV self look from the screen and wave at me sitting on the couch.

I looked around to see who the TV me was waving at.

The TV me said, "No, you, stupid."

I got up, turned off the TV, and sat back on the couch.

I'm getting better at taking care of myself.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Noted

I took a walk with Leonardo Dicaprio along the ocean.

I asked if he thought he would win an Academy Award this year.

He said he didn't know.

I said I thought he would.

Leonardo remarked about the beauty of the ocean.

I said I didn't notice because I was enamored to be walking with an Academy Award nominee.

Leonardo said that I ought to get over my award's obsession because he's not anymore special than I am.

I got out my notepad and pen and asked him to repeat what he said so I could write it down.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Keep Going

I wrote a book about a talking toaster.

It was published by Random House. It only sold a few copies.

I felt like a failure.

But then a few months later I was contacted by a movie producer from Walt Disney pictures. He'd read my book and wanted to make an animated movie version.

I agreed and the movie was made. It featured the voice Al Pacino.

Only a handful of people went to see the movie.

I was depressed.

Not long after, I met up with a friend I hadn't seen since high school. He asked me why I was so down.

I told him my experiences from the past few years. He said that I shouldn't give up. That you never know what's around the corner.

So I'm working on a book about a pair of talking trousers.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Just Asking

I looked up at the Moon. 

I said, "Hey, Moon, do you hear me?" 

The Moon said, "Sometimes, but not right now."

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Angel

An angel came by today.

I said, "Oh, wow! An angel! I'm so lucky. What fortune will you be bestowing on me?"

The angel said, "I'm just like everyone else."

I said, "But you're an angel. You're special, right?"

The angel said, "It must be hard for people to get to know you."

Sunday, February 2, 2014

A Good Arrangement

I had lunch with Chris Christie. 

He told me he's excited about watching the Super Bowl.

I told him I'm not watching the game. 

He asked me why not. 

I said it doesn't interest me. 

We sat quietly for a couple of minutes. 

We have the kind of friendship where if neither of us have anything to say in the moment, we sit in silence.