Tuesday, November 15, 2016

Please join me at BetterLateThanDead.com

Effective today (November 15, 2016) if you would like to read more posts, please join me at my site BetterLateThanDead.com, where you can also hear some of my songs and see some of my artwork.

Friday, October 21, 2016

What the bear said

I was walking through the woods when I came upon a bear who said he knew you. The bear had some good things, and some embarrassing items to say about you. I didn't say anything because you're an enigma to me, and I was curious. 

The thing that most interested me was a story about how you were once one of the early sidewalk toll collectors. People that wanted to pass through gave you a lot of grief, but in the end, everyone paid.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

The Shrine

I took a trip to the burial place of former President Andrew Johnson in Greeneville, Tennessee. I laid the wreath, said a few words, and shed a tear. Then I got in my car and drove away. 

That's when the ghost of President Johnson suddenly appeared in the passenger seat and said, "Where we going?" 

I said that I was planning on catching a plane at the airport and flying back home. 

The ghost of President Johnson said, "But I thought you like me." 

I said that I honored his grave because no one else was. Kind of like admiring a dandelion.

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

The Quandry

God and I stood and watched the Ocean. I asked God if theoretically I was the Ocean or the wave.

God groaned and said, " I invented what we're looking at so you would stop asking me these ridiculous questions."

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

The Rock

I went to the Rock. I asked what I should do next. 

The Rock said, "I don't know." 

I said that wasn't helpful. 

The Rock said, "I'm sure it wasn't."

Monday, September 26, 2016

The Ghost

I was visited by the ghost of myself. I asked how it could be happening since I'm still alive. 

The ghost of me said, "When you're dead, you can go anywhere in time." 

I said that I couldn't wait for that to happen. 

The ghost of me said, "You get used to it pretty quickly." 

I asked why the visit. 

The ghost of me said, "I wanted to see what all the big deal was about." 

I said, "And?" 

The ghost of me said, "Not such a big deal."

Sunday, September 25, 2016

The Bale of Hay

I was walking through a field when I came upon a bale of hay. The bale of hay noticed I was staring and said, "What?" 

I said that I was in love. 

The bale of hay said, "Jesus, you're like the 12th person today!"

Saturday, September 24, 2016

While Out Walking

I was out walking when I heard, "Hey" coming from the sky. 

I looked up and said, "Are you talking to me?" 

The Sky said, "Yes." 

 I said, "What is it?" 

The sky said, "Don't I look amazing?" 

I sighed and looked down. 

The ground said, "How about me, aren't I wowzy?" 

I went back home and turned on the TV.

Friday, September 23, 2016


Life is all about desperate attempts to be cute, and most of the time it doesn't work.

Thursday, September 22, 2016


I asked the road to take me to the specialist of most special places. 

The road said, "That would be me." 

I lay down on the warm asphalt and fell fast asleep.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

The Dream About You

I had a dream about you last night. You were standing on the Sun and pointing out how your feet weren't getting burnt.

I applauded your abilities. You cried tears of joy which extinguished the Sun. Everything got totally dark.

I asked if you were still there. You said, "Yes."

Tuesday, September 20, 2016


I was woken up by the ghost of author Mary Shelley. 

I sat up in bed, all excited, and said that I was big fan of Frankenstein. She frowned and said, "Oh, you mean the movie." I said, "No, the book." 

The ghost of Mary Shelly smiled and said, "Thank you, most kind sir. It has been a while since I've been warmed by accolades." 

I told her that I was also an author and showed her my book, Clutter Busting. She perused the first chapter. 

She set the book on my bed, hung her head, and in a confessional whisper said, "Whilst I was living, my writing station was haunted by a pulpy leviathan, the contents of which were the corpses of discarded manuscripts and spiritless correspondence." 

I said, "At least it was 'whilst.'"

Monday, September 19, 2016


I happened to meet Monday when it arrived last night at 12:00:01. It was drinking a coffee and smoking a cigarette at the same time. 

I kind of snidely asked Monday if it worried that it might get ashes in the coffee. Monday said, "You're so encouraging." 

I apologized. I said I was jealous because I used to want to be a day of the week.

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Saturday, September 17, 2016

The Dream

I dreamt about you again last night. This time around we were in junior high, awkwardly standing next to each other in the play yard. We were the last two people waiting to be chosen by team captains for dodge ball. We decided to forgo the agonizing process and formed our own team. There was a resulting ruckus and we were expelled. We found it nice not to have to go to school anymore.