Saturday, January 31, 2009

The Day I Helped the Wright Brothers Fly

I laid in bed this morning remembering the time when I was friends with Orville and Wilbur Wright. We used to hang out as kids and watch birds fly and joke that one day we would fly and everyone would know our names.

We went off to different colleges and lost touch. I got a job working for the Hillhurst Railways. I helped design the line that went from DC to North Carolina.

I took the Early Birder to North Carolina on its first trip heading south. I spend the night in Kitty Hawk. The next morning I went for a walk and by chance came upon my friends Orville and Wilbur in a field. We were all surprised to see each other. They were with their test plane. They had been trying since sunrise to get the plane airborne but were having no luck.

I asked if I could help. They laughed. But when they realized I meant it they conceded. I basically helped push the plane. Before it had been just Orville and some guy named Gus pushing while Wilbur steered the plane. With me adding to the "horsepower" the plane went airborne. We couldn't believe it.

Afterward they thanked me. I said it was nothing. But I told them that it was fun just to be a part of it with them. They said they were glad I was a part of it too.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Things I Like

I like...

...when my car flies off the cliff and doesn't crash on the ground below but instead parks comfortably on a cloud...

...when I'm walking through the woods and come across a grizzly bear and he sees that I have a jar of fresh honey and he asks me for some and I give it to him and he really enjoys it on some toast...

...when I take a bath and a shark comes through the faucet and I enjoy riding it around the tub...

...when you come to my place with a case of peanut butter and we coat the entire floor and walls and then open the windows and let the squirrels in...

...when I go back in time to the signing of the Declaration of Independence and I sign my name and then I came back to this time and I go to the store and buy a copy of that document and I show my friends and they see my name and get confused...

Thursday, January 29, 2009

My Time at the North Pole

Every year I go to the North Pole. I'm there for the first fifteen days in January. It's my way of letting go of the previous year and charging up for the new one.

There wasn't much to do there. I stayed in an igloo. I had to make sure to feed the sled dogs. I cut a hole in the ice and fished for my meals. A few times I got restless. But there were no movie theaters up there so I had to wait for the feeling to pass. Mostly I sat.

It took about a week and a half to get back here. I arrived home last night. I had a pretty big beard. It took a couple of hours to shave it. I had to take three baths to get rid of the fish smell from my body. I returned the dogs to the rental place.

Now I'm sitting in my apartment. It's a small studio, but the funny thing is it's about ten times the size of the igloo, so it seems like a jumbo room at the Plaza.

I'm remembering one late night at the Pole when I went for a walk under the stars. They are so bright that you feel their warmth in a similar way that you feel it from the Sun.

I was walking along and suddenly came upon a polar bear. We were both startled. The polar bear got really close to my face as he came in for a sniff. I didn't move. I figured if he was going to eat me there was nothing I could do about it. This relaxed me enough to pat his face. His fur was soft. He licked my hand. I couldn't believe it. We walked along side by side for about a half hour. I miss that place.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Grave Resolution

An undertaker dies. There’s no one to bury him since he was the only undertaker in town. The town's people get together to resolve the situation.

The grocer surrounds him in plastic and then foil.

The carpenter makes him a casket.

The gardener digs him a hole in the ground.

The taxi driver drives the body to the grave site.

The construction worker uses a crane to lower the casket into the grave.

The artist carves a tombstone.

The landscaper puts grass on the dirt after the grave is filled in by his assistant.

Everyone else comes to the grave to mourn.

Sometimes someone has to die for people to get together.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Walrus

I went to the zoo and was looking at the walrus. I had a fish in a bag. I took it out of the bag and waved it at the walrus. The walrus sat up. Its mouth dropped. I threw the fish at the walrus and it caught it in its mouth. The walrus waited for another. I didn’t have one.

The walrus said, “Is that it?”

I said, “Yes.”

The walrus said, “Well, thank you. It was tasty.”

I said, “You’re welcome.”

The walrus said, “What are you up to after this?”

I said, “I’m going to go home and check and see if I got any responses to a personals ad I placed on the Internet.”

The walrus said, “I understand, you’ve probably been feeling a little lonely. But I heard web personals are not very effective. You’re communicating with loners. They’re addicted to being by themselves. It’s kind of enhanced loneliness, talking to people without really talking to them. It doesn’t cure the longing. But none of them really step outside of what they’re doing to see that it makes them feel worse.”

I said, “Yes, you’re right. Thank you very much for the insight.”

The walrus said, “Hey, no problem, thanks for fish.”

Monday, January 26, 2009

Conversation With the Snow Man

Today I was walking outside and I heard a, "Pssst, over here."

I turned and saw a snowman. He wasn't looking very good. One of his eyes had fallen off. He was tilting. There were some stains where some dogs had peed on him.

I said, "Hello, how's it going?"

The Snowman said, "It's okay. I wish I was feeling better. But at least it's not summer."

I said,' "Of course. Can I help you out?"

The Snowman said, "Yes, actually. Can you find my other eye?"

I said, "Sure". I got down on the ground and looked around. I found a rock. It was a different color than the other eye rock. I held it up.

I said, "Is this one okay?"

The Snowman said, "Yeah, sure, put it in."

I put it in.

The Snowman said, "How does it look?"

I said, "Very stylish."

The Snowman said, "Thanks. You know, my life is short. Spring is just around the corner. Soon I'll melt and be part of a stream. And then a cloud and the forthcoming rain. And at some point you'll drink me, and then I'll be you."

I said, "I look forward to that."

The Snowman said, "Me too."

Sunday, January 25, 2009

3 Step Relaxation Process

It's quick and easy to relax. Here are the 3 steps:


1. Listen to the sounds in the room very carefully. Notice that there are no sounds of the floor caving in. This can be very soothing.


2. Be aware of your furniture. Notice that none of them have teeth. Without teeth how can they bite you?


3. WHAT'S THAT BEHIND YOU? Oh, nothing. What a relief.

Things Made Better By the Moon

Last night I was walking back from a stand up performance. The Moon had lit up the ground amazingly.

I looked up at the Moon and said, "Dude, you're just like the sunlight, thanks!"

The Moon was touched. It said, "Wow, thanks for the compliment. How did your show go tonight?"

I said, "There was a small audience. About five people. I felt like I was telling stories to people on a street corner."

The Moon said, "You know, often my moonlight shines in places that no one can see. I don't mind. I like making moonlight."

I said, "Yes, that's what it's all about."

The Moon said, "Absolutely! Have a great walk home."

I said, "I already am, thanks!"

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Written In Stone

When I was a kid I grew up with parents who owned a tombstone business. They made a living selling and writing the dead person's information on tombstones. They taught me how to chisel write on rock. I made some extra money working part time for them.

I so enjoyed writing on rock that I've continue this practice today. I journal write on rock. I write letters on rock and mail them. I even write checks and pay my bills on rock. Luckily I own a few quarries so there's no scarcity of stone.

I write my blogs on stone. I have some electronics that translate from the rock to the computer. I've had to switch to Blogger to make it work. They make it easy. I have a friend who lives on a beach in Hawaii. He writes his blogs with a stick on the sand. He's the one who let me know about this blog server.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Yes, a Racoon

Today I was cleaning my apartment when there was a knock at my door. I opened the door. There was a racoon looking up at me.

I said, "Hello, what can I do for you?"

The Racoon said, "Hi. The trash people came by and there's nothing in the dumpsters. I'm wondering if I can go through your trash and find something to eat?

I said, "Sure, come on in."

I showed the Racoon the trash can and he climbed in and rooted around. He came up with a grapefruit rind, a few beans, and something on the inside of a sandwich bag. I gave him a plate. Then I invited him to relax and watch TV with me while he ate. I was watching Jaws. It's one of my favorite movies.

When the movie was over he said, "Thanks. I need to be going."

I said, "Okay" and I let him out.

This Morning's Phone Call From Obama

This morning I got a phone call from Obama. Here's the transcript:

Brooks: Hello?

Obama: Is this Brooks?

Brooks: Um, yes, who is this?

Obama: This is President Barack Obama. I hope I haven't woken you?

Brooks: Um, no, I'm still in bed. I was thinking about getting up. What's going on?

Obama: Well, I found your number on former President Bush's helpful list. He wrote, "Good to call if you're stuck".

Brooks: Oh, that's very nice. He and I spoke now and then. I didn't realize I was that helpful.

Obama: The reason I'm calling is I feel there's a lot of things for me to do and not enough time in the day to get them done and I'm feeling tense.

Brooks: Oh, yeah, everyone gets that way. It's just being frustrated. I've felt that way three times today and I haven't even gotten out of bed.

Obama: Yes, you're right. Still I don't like the feeling. What should I do about it?

Brooks: It's your wanting to do something about it that's causing the frustration to last longer than it needs to.

Obama: Yes, but...Brooks: What if you were born with the feeling of frustration. Would you be aware of it?

Obama: I imagine I would not.

Brooks: There you go. Obama: Wait, but...

Brooks: Yes?

Obama: Nothing...Hmm, I'm feeling better.

Brooks: Good. I have to get up now and take a shower. Best of luck to you today.

Obama: Thanks. You too.

Brooks: Bye.

Obama: Bye.

When I Read My Poem at Obama's Inaguration

I was asked to read a poem at Obama's inauguration. I was kind of nervous. I'm not a good poet. I wrote it all down a few minutes before going up on stage. It was freezing up there on the podium. I wish I could have worn my winter hat, and scarf but they said it was important that people see my face. I thought, alright I'll do my part for the country.

Here's the poem I wrote:

Sometimes you start something new,
but you're not sure how since it's new and you've never done it before,
but you start it anyway,
and of course you fall down and make a lot of mistakes,
and you want to go back to how things used to be,
and you can't because it's not there anymore,
but still you try and that's super embarrassing.

So here we are, feeling awkward,
figuring it's going to work out somehow,
(adlib) um, at least we are keeping each other warm by standing so close together
...that's it. Thanks for listening...Can I put my hat on now?

A Call I Got From Bush on the Last Night of His Presidency

I got a call from President Bush. Here's a transcript:

Brooks: Hello?

Bush:................

Brooks: Hello, this is Brooks.

Bush: .......Um, hi.

Brooks: Oh, hi, President Bush. You sound tired.

Bush: Yes, my wife and I were up late last night packing. It's amazing how stressful moving is.

Brooks: I heard that it's one of the hardest things for people to do.

Bush: We started just after Christmas and in our minds we figured that was more than enough time. But here it is Monday, we got to move out by tomorrow afternoon and we're still not done.

Brooks: That sucks...We'll, do the best you can. If you don't get everything I'm sure the Obamas will send you things you forgot. Maybe you should take a break. You and Laura could go and see Marley and Me. It's pretty good.

Bush: Yeah, you're right. I need a break. Okay, I'll take your advice...Thanks again for your help. You've helped me out at some tough times.

Brooks: No problem. Everyone can use the encouragement. Have fun and then get some sleep.

Bush: Can do!

Brooks: Good night.

The Coldest Show at the Heartland

Last night there was an In One Ear show at the Heartland Cafe. The weather had a strong effect on the cafe. The subzero temperatures cracked and busted the windows. The heater cracked and died. The snow caved in part of the roof. But Pete Wolf got on stage and said, "The show must go on!"

Luckily the electricity still worked. The stage lights illuminated the performers and the steam that came out of their mouths as they spoke.

Eric got on stage and held a thermometer in his hands. He described the falling temperature numbers. Eventually the mercury busted out the glass bottom.

John Shirk got on stage and read from Leviticus in the Bible. He told the eerily similar story of Bartholomew and Bathsheba when they tried to hold a dinner party for Christ but the temperatures reached an all time low in Jerusalem, resulting in the freezing and cracking of the aqueduct. John then asked everyone to pause and reflect. This was hard to do because everyone had to keep moving to keep our circulation going.

Billy did a powerful poem where he said one word every ten seconds. The amazing thing was each word froze in the air and landed on the ground and cracked into many pieces.

I played harmonica. Unfortunately it froze to my lips. Someone had to light a lighter on the harmonica to get it to thaw out. My lips are very sensitive today.

Jane the Bartender came on stage and announced free beer to assist in keeping the audience warm. She brought out mugs of beer. However the beer was frozen in the mugs and we had to lick our beers. It's hard to lick a beer enough to get warm.

What I Found In My Time Capsule

I dug up my time capsule from 1985. Here's what I found in it:

1. A photo of Ronald Regan in swim shorts. He looked good!

2. A copy of "1984" by George Orwell. I had written on the inside cover, "Just because you hit your thumb by accident with the hammer three times on the same day doesn't mean you need to write about it."

3. A rock. I used to enjoy collecting rocks.

4. A signed photo of Linda Ronstadt. The inscription read, "Thanks for being a fan. I'm sorry, but I don't know Ronald Regan."

5. A note to myself. It read, "How are things in 2009? I hope they are better than the bullshitola of 1985. This year sucks ass!!! Love, Brooks"

6. A package of Tang I saved from my Time Capsule from 1971. I added it to some water and it tasted great!

When I Was Homeless

Two months ago I was homeless. I lived under the 94 overpass at the California Ave. exit. I dug a hole at the top of the dirt hill, put in a sleeping bag, and put my food in the snow surrounding my living plot.

This was the first time I was homeless. Previously I relied on the shelter of apartments. But I was entering a new period of my life. I needed a completely different kind of space. One that defragged my old idea of how to live.

Every night I would park at the Shell station around the corner, cross Diversey and walk up the hill under the freeway to my make shift abode. I felt safe in my bed because my sleeping bag was white. This made the space appear to be all snow and no people.

While I lay in my bed I could feel the freeway shake above me. The vibration was always scary for a few minutes and then I was lulled into deep sleep.

After two months of living this way, I woke up one morning knowing it was time for a change again. I got up, threw dirt and snow over the hole and went looking for an apartment. I ended up getting a studio in Evanston.

2009 so far

Here's some of the interesting things that have happened in 2009 so far:

1. Beer no longer has alcohol. It was a mistake at the factory. The thing is people still got drunk so nothing was done about it.

2. The color green rose in value by .0007 cents. This caused the cost of plants to rise by a nickel.

3. Scientists discovered that time has been improperly set. It's actually 2010. Changes will be made but it might take up till this time next year for them to be implemented.

Welcome

Welcome to my first blog! I'm glad you stopped by. Are you comfortable? I have some snacks that will be coming out of the oven in a few minutes. Hopefully you can smell them through the computer screen. Anyway, relax. Stay as long as you'd like.