Year's End

I was woken up in the middle of the night by a distraught and in tears 2014.

I asked what was wrong.

2014 said, "I have so much left to accomplish."

I said, "Look, I think you're tired. It's time to stop and rest."

2014 started crying even harder.

I asked what was wrong now.

2014 said, "You're so nice to me!"

The Talk

God showed up in my living room.

I didn't say anything.

God said, "Aren't you glad to see me?"

I said that I always feel like a fool when we talk.

God said, "Would you like to watch TV instead?"

The Conclusion

I sat on a tree stump in the forest. A deer came up to me.

I said to the deer that I wished I could live in the peace and quiet of the woods.

The deer said, "I long for the excitement of city living. "

I said that constant excitement leads to exhaustion.

The deer said, "Endless sublimity leads to dullness of the mind and eventually the spirit." 

I said that it seems that nothing in the universe is essentially fulfilling.

The deer said, "What's the point in living?"

Suddenly a grizzly bear came out from behind the trees, running and roaring, with claws in the air.

The deer and I looked at each other and ran.

4th Step

I'm working the 4th step of the 12 Step Program. I'm at the part where you list all your resentments - the people you're still angry with.

Here's one: I was the waiter at the Last Supper. Jesus and all his disciples were in a dour mood, and they forgot to leave a tip.

Woke to This

The Sun called me late last night and woke me up. The Sun was in tears. I asked why.

The Sun said, "Just so you know, when it's night, I don't turn into the Moon. It's a dirty rotten lie the Moon is spreading."

Helpful Hint

How to Relax:

WHAT'S THAT BEHIND YOU!?!?

Oh, nothing. What a relief.

I'm forming a group for people who have a hard time saying, "No."

I'd like you to join but I'm afraid you might say, "Yes" when you want to say, "No."

Come to think of it, I'm not sure I want to be in this group. But I feel like I have to be in it because I've formed the group.

Ride

I was feeling kind of riled up about something ridiculous, and I got in my car and started driving. 

After many miles I got to South Dakota and saw Mt. Rushmore from the road. 

The face of Teddy Roosevelt looked down and said, "Where you going?" 

I said I didn't know. 

The face of Teddy Roosevelt said, "Can I come with you?" 

I said sure. 

The face of Teddy Roosevelt didn't fit in the car, so I strapped him to the roof. It dented the roof a little, but it was nice to have the company.

Paper

I was reading the Sunday New York Times, when the paper suddenly woke up. It last remembered being a tree and asked me what was going on.

I explained that it had been cut down, turned into pulp, and then converted into a newspaper.

The paper took it hard.

My co-dependency led me to take the paper outside, dig a hole in the ground, role the paper up, and stick it vertically in the hole.

I stood back and said, "There you go."

The paper said, "Really?!"

Peace of Mind?

I was feeling too internet needy. So I took my rocket ship to the Moon because the extremely weak wi-fi signal up there doesn't make it worth going online.

I had to take a two-and-a-half hour walk on the Moon to soothe my jangly nerves.

Finally I felt peaceful.

But then I kind of messed things up by coming back to Earth so I could send you this post.

Quarter!

Yesterday, I spontaneously turned into a quarter.

I spent some time in warm pockets. I was tossed into a pile of other (smelly) quarters in a cash register drawer. And once I was accidentally dropped on the sidewalk, and I got stepped on a lot, but was never injured.

At one point, I ended up in the change return part of a pay phone. I didn't know pay phones even existed anymore!

Change of Seasons

I woke up to discover snow in my front yard.

I went outside and asked the snow to leave. The snow said it wasn't going anywhere.

I went back out to my garage and got out a can of gasoline and a pack of matches. I came back to the front yard, poured the gasoline on the snow, and lit it with a match.

The snow caught fire and melted. There was nothing left but smouldering, blackened grass.

I love springtime!

Safe House

For the past eleven years, I've been letting turkeys hide out in my basement for the two weeks preceding Thanksgiving.

Yesterday, the turkeys left the safe haven of my basement. It was curt goodbyes as we were all tired of each other's company.

But then today I was out shopping at Kresge's, and I came upon one of the turkeys pushing a shopping cart, and when our eyes met, we hugged and couldn't stop sobbing.

Movie Night!

Last night I went to a movie with the Sun. We saw Interstellar. Tuesday night is our movie night.

Some guy in front of us kept checking and sending texts during the movie. The brightness distracted us.

The Sun finally leaned forward and asked the guy to stop texting. The guy murmed, "What an asshole" and sent another text.

The Sun sent out a flare into space which knocked out all the telecommunications satellites, and the guy's phone went dead.

We enjoyed the rest of the movie.

The Visitor

This morning my future self visited me via a time machine.

The future Brooks had a full head of dark hair, no wrinkles or scars, and a happy attitude. The future me said they figured out how to make everyone better in all ways.

I got excited and said I can't wait for the future.

And then I thought about it and said if the future was so exciting, why would I come back and visit myself.

The future me said, "I missed you."

Felix

I found out I'm allergic to cats.

I told my cat, Felix. I said I would start taking Benadryl.

My cat, Felix, is a people pleaser. So he went online to amazon and ordered a a plastic suit that covers his entire body. The company that sells it is called Obey!

Felix got the suit today. He is wearing it around the house. It has a mini snorkel so he can breathe.

Safe House

Every year I make my home a safe house for wild turkeys. Turkeys come to my door and ask for refuge till the day after Thanksgiving. So far there are 13 turkeys hiding out in my basement.

Last night we watched the movie The Godfather. After the movie, one of the turkeys said, "Wow, you guys hunt each other too!"

Clutter Busting audio book now available!!

In my other life, I'm a Clutter Buster. I help people let go of clutter from their lives. I wrote a book about how to remove clutter from your life. It's called, Clutter Busting: Letting Go of What's Holding You Back. It's now available as a download, read by yours truly! Click on me to order your copy today! PS - that mic was once used by Frank Sinatra!

Life

Life was never meant to be easy.

It's just nice to imagine it could be.

Seeds

I filled up the bird feeder with seeds. I went inside and sat by the window, waiting.

About a half-hour later a bird flew down onto the feeder and partook.

The bird noticed me and said, "Hello."

I opened the window and said, "It's freezing out. There's no food anywhere but here. I don't understand why you wouldn't be waiting by this bird feeder all day long for it to get filled. If I found a box stuffed with hundred dollar bills, I'd never leave the box. I wouldn't sleep so I could be awake when the box gets filled again."

The bird said, "Isn't it enough that you're talking with a bird?"

Star

I sat out on the lawn, looking up at the night sky.

I noticed a star wink at me. I actually turned around to look behind me.

The star said, "No, you idiot, it's you."

Woods

I was walking through the woods when I happened upon a grizzly bear, sitting on a log, and eating honey from a bee hive.

I was startled.

The bear said, "Hi, don't be scared, I'm not going to eat you. Would you like some honey?"

I said, "I'm not scared of you, but I'm allergic to bee stings, and no."

I could tell the bear's feelings were hurt. I felt badly and kept walking.

This sucked because I went to the woods to get away from feeling shitty.

Pet

I bought a rhino at Petco yesterday. He's eating hay in the middle of my living room.

I'm typing quietly so he doesn't go nuts and start ramming things.

Hope

I found my new year's resolutions from 1965. One was, "I will stop eating crayons."

I think 2015 will finally be the year!

My Good Idea

I was low on funds and got the great idea to take my time machine back to the Netherlands 1889 and the home of Vincent Van Gogh, and buy all his paintings.

I gave Van Gogh 800 francs, and bungee corded them to the top and sides of my time machine, and came back to the present day.

I brought them to a high end art dealer in Manhattan. She said she'd never heard of Van Gogh and asked me to leave.

The Discussion

God and I lay on a cloud, looking up at the sky.

I said to God, "How come you made me such a moody man?"

God said, "I needed those notes for the Symphony."

I said, "Well, I don't like it, it seems unfair, and you should fix this now!"

God said, "You complete me."

Smarts

I sat out on the dock with the ghost of the philosopher William James.

He was black and white. It turns out people use to be black in white up till 1935. Below is a picture I took of him with my phone.

I told the ghost of William James that I wished I was smart like him. When I was a kid, I spent a lot of time at school in the corner wearing a dunce hat.

The ghost of William James said, "I was pondering about the distinct nature of your head shape."

The Details

The Trip

The donkey didn't want to be ridden. So I asked the donkey if it would like to walk with me to my destination.

The donkey said yes, and we set out.

We walked three hours over hills and through valleys, not saying a word. Finally we arrived at the 7-11.

I bought the donkey a cherry-coke Slurpee. I got lemon-lime.

On the way back, we talked non-stop.

Revisiting

I took my rocket ship up to the Moon to get away. While up there, I ran into the ghost of Neil Armstrong.
 
I said to him, "Are you taking the opportunity for another walk on the Moon?"

The ghost of Neil Armstrong said, "I wouldn't say I'm taking this. When I died, I suddenly found myself here."

I said, "Maybe when you die you automatically revisit the area of your greatest significance."

The ghost of Neil Armstrong said, "Where do you think you'll will go when you die?"

I said, "To revisit the time I finally beat my dad in ping pong."

Shake the Sun!

This is my official record album. It's called Shake the Sun. They are songs I corralled from the ether. Click the Hubble satellite photo to learn more!

Endeavor

I decided to take a walk around the world.

I was doing well till I got to the shores of the Atlantic Ocean. I stopped, and got flustered. I didn't like stopping, so I waded in.

I kept going and was soon underwater. Underwater walking takes longer and my progress was slowed. Plus it was hard holding my breath for so long.

I soon began losing my enthusiasm.

But then I remembered how the philosopher Albert Schweitzer said, "If you find yourself at the end of the universe, and you forgot why you went there in the first place, then you are twice blessed."

The Stream

I went for a stroll along the stream with the ghost of Mother Teresa.

I asked her what she was thinking about.

The ghost of Mother Teresa said, "I was noticing the leaf moving swiftly on the current, smashing into rocks, getting pulled under water, tangling up in a stick, being torn, and then continuing on in pieces."

I asked if that meant I should flow with what life brings me.

The ghost of Mother Teresa said, "No, I wished you were that leaf."

Things I Like

I like when I'm walking through the woods and come across a grizzly bear and he sees that I have a jar of fresh honey and he asks me for some and I give it to him and he really enjoys it on some toast.

Glacier

I hiked on a glacier.

The glacier said, "Could you please walk on me a little more gently?"

I apologized and took off my shoes. I tip-toed.

The glacier said, "No, you didn't have to go that far. Now I'm worried your that your feet will freeze."

Things suck when even your relationship with nature is dysfunctional.

What I Woke To

I woke up and was surprised to find a raccoon sleeping next to me. I was a little scared to wake the raccoon because I heard raccoons panic when startled and they have very sharp claws. I slid out of bed very slowly.

I stepped onto the floor and bumped against a hippo. The hippo shuffled a bit, but stayed asleep. I was more startled by the presence of the hippo than the raccoon. They are gigantic. And they smell!

I slid by the hippo. I stepped into my living room. There was a vulture perched on my couch. The vulture was sleeping too, but it awoke and opened one eye. It was an intense eye. I guess vultures assess things on whether or not they can eat it. The vulture closed its eye and went back to sleep.

I got out some orange juice and poured it into a glass. I sat down at my kitchen table and thought about how these animals could have come into my home. Last night I watched television until about midnight. I brushed my teeth and went to bed. I don't remember any animals during these activities.

I felt something brush against my feet. It was cold and slimy. I looked down and saw a boa constrictor slither by. I was scared that it would wrap around me. But the boa constrictor went by and then down the hallway.

I noticed my side door was partially open. That must have been how the animals got in. But, why?

I got online to investigate. I saw on the local news site that the zoo caught fire. Many of the animals died. But a good number escaped and they had yet to be found.

I heard the side door creak. I looked and saw a gorilla walk in. The gorilla sat next to me. It smelled of soot and was scared. I got the gorilla a glass of water and he drank it down. I motioned towards my couch. The gorilla went and lay down. I put a blanket over him. He was asleep within seconds.

Miami

I lay out on the beach in Miami with God.

God offered to put suntan lotion on my back.

I cried. I said I've never met anyone with such endless compassion.

God said, "Um, I'm doing this because if I don't, you'll get a bad sunburn, and they'll be no end to your complaining."

The Desert

I was driving across the desert when I ran out of gas.

I sat for a while, not wanting to believe my situation.

Just then I heard a tapping at the passenger window. It was an armadillo.

I leaned over and opened the car door and asked the armadillo what it wanted. The armadillo said, "I've never been in a car before, can I come in?" I said yes.

The armadillo sat in the passenger seat. We didn't say anything for a few minutes. Then we made out.

Armadillos don't have lips so it didn't feel all that good. But still I got some comfort from my difficult situation.

On the Lake

I sat out on a sail boat on the lake with God. We weren't going anywhere because the wind had died down.

I started feeling restless and asked God to create some wind so we could get moving.

God said, "With your mind and my power, we could really go places."

Waiting for the Train

This morning I waited for the train. An hour went by. Then two.

I got angry and started walking along the tracks.

Not long after, the train came by and slowed down to my pace. I was too upset at the train to acknowledge its presence.

The train apologized, saying its alarm busted and didn't go off. The train said if I hopped on, I could ride for free. It's hard to stay angry at anyone, so I got on.

As we rode down the tracks, I offered to buy the train a new alarm clock. The train started to cry.

I tried comforting the train by stroking the back of my seat. The train began to sob and almost went off the tracks!

What Happened by the Creek

I took some time off to sit by the creek. The water flowing past relaxed me. I lay down and fell asleep.

When I woke up, there was an ant sitting on my nose, looking sternly at me.

The ant said, "Excuse me, but you are laying on my home!"

I apologized, stood up, put the ant on my finger, and set it down on the ground.

The ant gave me the finger and went into the anthill.

My feelings were hurt.

I left, went to the pet store, and bought an aardvark. I came back, set the aardvark on the anthill, and waited.

Cheese

My cheese business went bankrupt after 26 successful years of serving the public. I had to lay off 785 employees. I lost my purpose in life. 

I sat in the middle of my empty cheese processing plant, feeling distraught. 

But then I remembered what Barney said, "If you're still alive, what do you have to complain about?" 

I opened the exit door to the alleyway and invited in a horde of rats. Then I opened the doors to the cheese fridges and said, "Have at it!" 

The rats ran into the fridges and gorged on cheese. 

One of the rats looked at me with tears in its eyes and said, "This is the greatest day of my life!"

Tonight's Show

Tonight I performed for 21,000 people at the United Center in Chicago. 

Throughout the show, I was troubled that people came just because of the monkey. 

That's the curse of being an organ grinder.

My Dog Rexy

My dog Rexy said, "That's it, I've had it" and went out the front door. 

I got online and looked up what new dogs were available at the pet shelter. I found a German Shepard. I went to the shelter to get the dog. 

While I walked past cages containing other dogs, I spotted Rexy. I stopped. We looked at each other. Rexy put his paw on the glass. 

Minutes later my dog Rexy and I were driving home in my car. 

My dog Rexy said, "I can't even remember what I was upset about." 

We laughed.

Seeking a Solution

I couldn't sleep. I got out my sleeping pills and took two. Nothing happened. 

I took two more pills, but to no avail. 

I took a handful. Nothing. 

There were no more pills left in the bottle. 

I was so angry with my doctor for not prescribing me a higher dosage.

Then I realized I had mistakenly been eating Tums and figured now was a great time to order a pizza.

Fishing

I fished at the water's edge hoping to catch breakfast.

A trout poked its head out of the water and said, “I wish you wouldn't do that. It’s dangerous for me. Plus I find it offensive."

I got up and walked back home.

When I got there, my wife said, "Any luck?"

I said, "No."

She could tell I was dejected.

She said, "Alright, who's up for pancakes?!!"

Gary Cooper

Today the ghost of actor Gary Cooper appeared in my car while I was driving to work. I'm naturally star-struck, so I didn't say anything. 

When I got to work, I left the ghost of Gary Cooper behind in my car and went into the building. 

An hour later, I looked out my window to the parking lot and saw the ghost of Gary Cooper still sitting in my car. 

I thought to myself that I wished I could one day be so peaceful that I could sit with nothing to do and be okay.

Fishing

I took a boat out on the lake, and tossed in a fishing line. I caught a fish. A blue gill was twisting away on the line. I unhooked its mouth. 

The fish said "I'll give you a $1000 if you let me go." 

I asked how the fish would get that kind of money. 

The fish said, "Never mind, just row your boat to that big rock over there. Underwater is a metal container. Inside is $1000." 

I set the fish down next to me on the boat, and rowed over to the rock. I reached down into the water and found the box. I took the box out, opened it up, and found the money. 

I thanked the fish. 

The fish said, "I knew there was a good reason for me to set that money aside."

Experience

I fell asleep on the train. 

I woke up in an empty and dark train car parked in the train yard. I pulled the emergency chord, the doors opened. 

I hopped out and walked through the quiet train yard. I climbed over a fence. 

I found a street, but I had no idea where I was at. I walked for a while. 

Eventually a car came by and slowed down to my walking speed. The window rolled down. 

The bear driving the car said, "I'm going up to the honey festival in Milwaukee. Do you want to come along?" 

I said yes and got in. I'd never been to a honey festival before.

Betsy

I took my time machine back to 1776 and Philadelphia. I got out and walked to Ackner's and Bickner's Upholstery and Sundries. I was met by employee Betsy Ross. 

I told her I was from the future and asked if I could see the first American flag. 

Betsy Ross said, "Sir, you are the 723rd gentleman this week to court me by time machine contraption. I will tell you as I've told them all, I know not of this flag you speak of. I'm am perplexed and vexed by this granditude of attention!" 

I apologized and said that I, as well as thousands of other men, had developed crushes on her ever since we saw an etching of her sewing in our second grade history books. 

I spent the week in a stockade.

The Sea

I got a job as a sailor. I shipped out on a delivery of popcorn kernels across the Atlantic to the Barbary Coast. 

 

At some point on the high seas we had an encounter with a giant squid. The beast's mighty arms held tightly to the hull of our boat and shook vigorously. 

 

A fire started on deck and the kernels popped and fell overboard. The giant squid ate the popcorn, got bloated, and released us. 

 

The captain told us because we lost our cargo, we wouldn't get paid. My co-workers got upset and mutinied. I was the only one who abstained. 

 

I was forced to get in a lifeboat with the captain. 

 

As the main boat pulled away from us, the captain shouted at the culprits, "I'll live to see you - all of you - hanging from the highest yardarm!" 

 

We sat quietly for a few moments. I noted that the waves were relaxing.

Conversation

God and I were enjoying ice cream outside Baskin and Robbins Ice Cream Parlor.

I said, "God, I feel like I was born with a million dollars, but I've made a lot of bad purchases during my life time.

God said, "And...?"

I said, "I wish I'd made better purchases."

God said, "Why are you telling me this?"

I said, "Because I figured you're upset at me."

God said, "If you realized how much I actually think about you, then you'd be upset."

Lunch

I was hungry, but I was out of money. So I went into a dumpster behind the Jewel grocery store in search for food. 

That's when I ran into the raccoon. 

We fought over an old cantaloupe. It ended up breaking open and we got cantaloupe all over each other. 

The raccoon started licking the cantaloupe off of me. It tickled and I couldn't stop laughing.

Sun

I was walking along the lake. 

The Sun came down from the sky and walked alongside me. 

I said I was worried about getting a bad sun burn. The Sun said that it was looking out for me by holding back the majority of its rays. 

I asked how come the Sun was being so nice to me. 

The Sun said, "If you find a hundred dollar bill on the ground, you don't ask why. You pick it up and put it in your pocket."

New Place

I got tired of my house. I put a free sign on the door. I walked to find my next place. 

I came upon an ant hill. I knocked. 

An ant came out and and said, "Yes?" 

I asked if I could live there. I pointed out that I had no stuff and wouldn't take up much space. 

The ant said, "Let me check with my housemates." 

The ant went in. I waited. 

The ant, and about seventy other ants, came out and looked at me. 

I took out a cookie from my back pocket. I crumble spread it on the ground. The ants excitedly gathered it up. 

The main ant said, "You're in."

Stream

I took a walk along the stream.

I noticed a leaf fall from a tree and land on the water. The leaf rose, fell, and rose on the current.

I felt badly for the leaf and jumped into the stream to save it. The water was freezing and my shoes got soaked.

I ran after the leaf. I tripped over some rocks. I fell in the stream and got drenched. But I was able to grab the leaf.

I got out of the water and lay on the stream's bank.

I put the leaf on my chest and felt the sun warm us.

Mole

I got a pet mole. 

I dug a hole in my backyard, pointed towards it, and said to the mole, "Mole, this is your new home." 

The mole looked at the hole, then back at me. The mole said, "Listen, my name is Tad. And I'm tired of living in dirt. I want to live with you in the house." 

I said, "Sorry, I didn't know your name was Tad." 

Tad the mole said, "Well, you never asked." 

I said that I was sorry. There was some tense silence. 

I wondered why I ever thought that having a pet would be a relaxing experience.

Gold!

I saw a rainbow! I couldn't believe my luck. 

I drove my car to the end of the rainbow. There was a pot of gold. I thought it was the best day of my life. I loaded the pot of gold into the trunk of my car. 

I drove my car to the 'Sell Us Your Gold' Store.' I went in, brought the owner out to my car, and opened my trunk. 

The owner said I was going to be a rich man. I concurred. 

I picked up the pot of gold. The owner remarked that it should be too heavy to lift. He grabbed a gold coin, unwrapped what turned out to be gold tin foil, and revealed a chocolate coin. 

I fell to the ground and cried. 

The owner said, "But it's chocolate!" 

I said he was right, and we spent the rest of the day happily eating all of the coins.

Dalai Lama

I visited the Dalai Lama at his apartment. He was on his computer. 

He got irritated and said, "Goddamn fuckin' piece of shit!!" He actually punched his computer. 

I suggested he take a break. 

The Dalai Lama said, "What are you even doing here?!" 

I said that he called and invited me over. 

The Dalai Lama smiled and said, "Oh, yeah, I forgot." 

That smile wins me over every time.

Laying Out on the Grass

I laid out on the grass, staring at the sky with God. 

I told God that I worry about what others think of me. 

God said, "But no one is thinking about you." 

I asked God if he thinks of me. 

God said, "What's your name again?"

Winston

I went for a stroll along the lake when I came upon the ghost of Winston Churchill coming the other way. 

I caught his eye and nodded and he nodded back. 

But I didn't say anything because I'm shy and afraid of dead celebrities. 

As he went past me down the beach, I stepped in the footprints he left behind. I thought to myself, "Oh, my God, I'm standing in the footsteps of the ghost of Winston Churchill!"

Motor-boat

I went on the motor-boat ride with God at Disney-world. I told God I wanted to be the steerer. 

He said, "Okay." 

We came to the first turn, I turned right, the boat went right. I noted that I was a pretty good driver. 

God said, "Yep." 

Then there was a turn to the left. I turned left. I said to God, "Did you see that?" 

God said, "I did." 

Then we came to a crossroads where there was a turn to the left and right. I steered left. The boat went right. I got angry. 

God said, "I never get tired of this."

The Sun

I stared at the Sun. 

The Sun said, "Dude, seriously, cut it out, or you'll go blind." 

I said that I didn't believe that my friend the Sun would hurt me, and I kept on staring. 

The Sun shut off. Everything went black and it got really cold. 

I called out to the Sun to turn back on. The Sun stayed silent and off. 

My dog Rexy came up to me and said, "What did you do this time?"

Standing in Line

I stood in line at the unemployment office. Ahead of me was the singer David Byrne. 

I get ascared of celebrities. I think if I try and talk to them, they'll turn their high-octane dazzleness on me, and I'll be obliterated.

So I stayed quiet and looked at the floor. 

And then I thought, wow, if there wasn't ground, we would all be falling in space.

You matter to me. 

Oh, sorry, I thought you were me.

The Hat

I fell down the stairs today. 

That's because I tripped over Lincoln's actual stove pipe hat. I bought the hat last night at an auction to raise money for a local school. 

When I got home, I set the hat on the stairs, and went to bed. 

This morning I was coming down the stairs and tripped over the hat. 

I was upset as I fell down the stairs. But then when I stopped falling, I looked up from the bottom of the stairs at Lincoln's actual stove pipe hat, and I was happy.

Dickens

The ghost of Charles Dickens appeared in my living room. He immediately started talking about himself. 

At first I was amazed because it was Charles Dickens, and he was dead. But after a little while it's hard to listen to someone just talking about themselves. 

So I tried talking about myself. 

The ghost of Charles Dickens got upset and said, "What is that which you are doing?!" 

I said that I was trying to say what I had for lunch. 

The ghost of Charles Dickens said, "Oh that I could exchange the wealth of all my writings for the return of my abilities to once again, bite, chew, and taste."

A Little Time Away

I let people and things get to me. So I got in my car and drove for a while. 

About a week into driving I got to the north pole. It was an actual pole with a metal ball on top.

A polar bear was sitting on the ice, leaning against the pole. 

I was feeling better when I lowered my window and asked the polar bear if it would like to come back with me. The polar bear got in my car and we drove back home. 

Since we got back, people have been treating me much better.

Some Money

I saw a hundred-dollar-bill on the ground. I didn't pick it up.

The hundred-dollar-bill said, "Hey, what's the deal?!"

I said that I didn't need the money.

The hundred-dollar-bill began to cry. I picked up the hundred-dollar-bill, rocked it in my arms and said it was going to be okay.

The hundred-dollar-bill fell asleep in seconds.

This Morning

This morning I was bored and got out of my house and stood out in my front yard. When cars drove by I waved at the drivers. 

Eventually a truck carrying cattle was driving by. The driver saw me wave, pulled up to the curb, leaned out the window and said, "I normally never do this, but you seemed so friendly and all. Would you like a free cow?" 

I said, sure. 

The driver opened the back of his truck, brought me a cow, and then drove off. 

I said to the cow, "What would you like to do?" 

The cow said, "Actually, I'm kind of hungry. Do you mind if I eat your lawn?"

Rowboat

My rowboat got caught in a whirlpool. I tried as hard as I could to row my way out. But I got sucked down to the bottom of the lake.

I sat in my boat and looked around. A school of yellow fin perch suddenly swam a series of circles around me. I felt so special.

As I was blacking out I realized the whirlpool turned out to be a good thing.

Wishing Again

Today I went to the wishing well. I tossed in my quarter.

The wishing well said, "It's now ten dollars."

I said, "What?!"

The wishing well said, "My business consultant said I need to raise my rates."

I said I didn't have ten dollars.

The wishing well was silent.

I said that I wished I had ten dollars.

The wishing well said, "Dude, come on."

Last Night

I woke in the middle of the night. I couldn't get back to sleep. 

I got out of bed and sat in the dark on the sofa in the living room. 

I thought, "I wonder what it's like to sit on warm, wet dough?" 

I got up and went to the kitchen. I got out flour, water, and yeast and made some dough. I put the dough on a chair and sat on it. 

I relaxed, leaned forward on the dinning table, and fell asleep.

Sitting by the Lake

I sat by the lake and watched the sun go down. The moon rose up and took its place. 

I said, "Hey, moon, what's your favorite song?" 

The moon said, "What's a song?" 

I sang The Toodaloo Blues. 

The Moon began to dance across the night sky. It caused huge waves to rise on the lake. 

A carp got thrown from the water and landed on the ground next to me. 

The carp said, "Dude, what the fuck?"

The Raven

I was having tea with the Raven. 

I said I was feeling some doubts. 

The Raven asked about what. 

I said I didn't know. 

The Raven said, "Whenever I feel uncertain, I go out to the lawn and look for worms." 

The Raven and I went outside to the yard and looked for worms. After about a few minutes, I told the Raven I was feeling better. 

The Raven said, "See."

The Toad

I was walking down a lonely road when I came upon a toad. 

The toad asked where I was heading. 

I said I had no idea. 

The toad said, "Can I go there with you?" 

I said said sure. I put the toad on my shoulder and proceeded down the road. 

Eventually a hawk came by and asked if she could eat the toad. I asked the toad if that would be okay. The toad said no. The hawk said okay and flew away. 

The toad and I continued down the road.

Meandering Club

David Bowie and I are part of a meandering club. We meet twice a month. We start walking, looking only at the ground, and keep going until we feel to stop and look around.

Recently we walked from New York City and kept going. Finally we decided to stop. We looked around and noticed that we were standing in the midst of a spring.

I said I felt powerful warmth coming up from the water and invigorating me. David Bowie said the waters were making him remember being an infant, lying in his crib, with the sun's warmth on his body.

I noticed a young red-haired boy sitting on the bank with his feet in the spring. I asked him where we were. He said, "You're standing in God's healing springs of Blackville, South Carolina."

I asked him his name. He said, "Thomas Jefferson." I asked if he was The Thomas Jefferson. He said, "The one and only."

David Bowie said he felt like doing a cartwheel. He did a good one.

I stood on my hands. I stayed aloft for half a minute!

Pool

God and I were swimming in my backyard pool. 

I asked God if Jesus and I were drowning who would he save. 

God said Jesus is afraid of water and won't go near a pool.

New Job

Work was slow, so I got a job with the local Hobby Lobby. I work at the register. I don't work the floor, yet, because I have to first learn about their vast array of products. 

I used to be into hobbies back when I was a kid. I built models of cars and planes. I had to quit though because I became a model glue junkie. 

Hobby Lobby is aware of my past. They said if it became a problem again, they have a good insurance plan that could provide some help.

Accomplished

People told me I couldn't do it. 

I set out to prove them wrong. 

I did it! 

People were like, "oh, that's nice..." 

So now I spend my time digging holes in my backyard and waiting for the rain to fill them up.

Wish

I went to the wishing well. 

I tossed in my quarter and said I wished I was happy. 

The wishing well said it had quit recently and was now just a well. 

I asked if I could get my quarter back. 

The well said it wasn't able to physically give me a refund. 

I said okay and asked the well why it quit. 

The well said it wished for a more quiet life. 

I apologized for the interruption and walked away.

Light

I waited for the Sun to come up. It didn't. 

Around noon I went out to my yard and yelled up at the dark sky for the Sun to come out. 

I heard from the far, far off distance, "I don't feel well. I'm not coming in...Can you sub for me?" 

I grunted and went back in the house and got out a flash light and went back outside. 

I shone the flash light around till about seven. 

I went back inside. I was exhausted.

Lounging

God and I were lounging in my backyard pool. 

I said that I wished I wasn't so lazy. 

God asked me why. 

I said I didn't know.

Comparison Shopping

I was bored, sitting on my couch, looking at the wall. 

I looked away at a mouse running across my floor. The mouse disappeared through a hole in the wall. 

I wished I had that kind of get up and go. 

I looked back at the wall. 

I felt better when I realized that this suited my nature.

A Snack

Last night I woke up to a jaguar standing on my chest. 

I said hi. I guess I wanted to have one nice moment before the end. 

But then the jaguar said it had escaped from the zoo and was hungry and wondered if I had any food it could eat. 

I went to the kitchen and made some scrambled eggs and put them on a plate. The jaguar ate the eggs and thanked me. 

I thanked the jaguar for not eating me. 

The jaguar said, "Oh, I hadn't thought of that."

.

Sometimes I don't know what to say.

Driving

I had a long day. 

I left work for home. 

On the way home I got a flat tire. I got out to change the tire. I replaced the flat with a spare and drove again. 

I got another flat. I didn't have another spare. 

I sat in my car while other cars zipped by. 

I told my car I was upset. 

My car said, "I'm sorry." 

It's hard to stay upset with someone after they apologize.

Vegas

I was feeling restless and went to Vegas to gamble. 

I won $10,000 playing blackjack. But I still felt antsy. 

So I drove out into the desert till my car ran out of gas. I got out of my car and started walking. 

I couldn't see where I was going and walked into a cactus. 

I apologized at the same time as the cactus. We simultaneously asked if the other was okay. We both laughed. 

I said I felt good for the first time in a while. 

 The cactus concurred saying it had been feeling lousy since a flicker had burrowed in its trunk.

Cloudy

I was laying on my back in my yard looking up at the passing clouds. 

A cloud stopped and looked down on me. I winked. The cloud winked. 

I motioned for the cloud to come down to me. 

Soon I was clouded in mist. 

We talked about our day so far. We shared a few secrets. 

After a while the cloud said it had to go. 

As it lifted, I looked around and saw that I was now in an unknown field. I couldn't believe the cloud tricked me like that. 

 But then I thought about it and realized I'd be needing to get away.

Night

I woke up in the middle of the night.

I got out of bed and went to the living room and sat in the dark on my couch. I looked around at the silhouettes of my furniture.

One of them started moving. I thought it was a ghost. But it was my LA-Z- Boy recliner.

I asked where it was going.

The LA-Z-Boy recliner said it was going to the bathroom.

The sound of one hand clapping is the sound of the next nearest thing being hit.

Omen

A hawk alighted on the tree branch outside my window.

I said, "What special message have you brought me?"

The hawk said, "Dude, I'm tired."

Visitation

Three angels appeared in my living room. 

I bowed, shook, and blocked their bright light from my eyes. I asked to what did I owe this honor. 

The angels laughed and said they were there to steal my TV. I laughed. 

The angels stopped laughing and said they were serious. 

I said I thought angels only did good. 

The angels said it would be good for them to have my TV. 

As the angels left with my TV I felt blessed.

Dig

I dug a hole in my backyard. 

I like digging and didn't notice the time passing. 

Soon I reached the center of the earth. It was a vast series of pullies, gears, and fast spinning belts. 

A maintenance guy noticed me and nodded. 

I nodded back.

Maya

I was taking a swim in my backyard pool when I was visited by the ghost of Maya Angelou.

I awkwardly stumbled over myself with sympathies about her recent death.

The ghost of Maya Angelou silenced me with a finger in the air and said, "When given a choice, the past is a shallow, stagnant pond I wouldn't as much stick my toe in."

The ghost of Maya Angelou leapt off the diving board, shouted, "Cowabunga!" and hit the water with a mighty, wave-shaking cannonball.

Last

I took the time machine to my last dying day.

Last Night

I woke to a mouse scampering across my bedroom floor. 

I went to the fridge and got a piece of cheese and put it in a mouse trap. I tripped on the way back, fell on the ground, and the trap snapped on my finger. 

The mouse came up to me and asked if I was alright. 

I said no. 

With great difficulty, the mouse managed to help me make it back to bed. 

The mouse noticed the mouse trap clamped on my finger and asked, "Was that meant for me?" 

I said yes with an apology. 

The mouse opened the trap, took it off my finger, popped the bait in its mouth and said, "Thanks for the cheese!"

Science

The ghost of Enrico Fermi woke me up in my bedroom last night. 

I knew who he was because he said, "I'm the ghost of Enrico Fermi." 

I said that's nice and asked why he was there. 

The ghost of Enrico Fermi said he liked being in my room because it was dark. He said he couldn't see anything but he could feel the presence of the room. He said it was representative of the quantum state. 

I agreed, but said I found it more fascinating that he was dead and still doing things.

Friendly

I still have my Christmas tree up in my living room. I don't throw it out because every time I pass the tree, it says something nice to me. 

This morning it said, "Nice legs!

Gardening

God came by to help me plant my garden.

I asked God, "Should I feel badly about taking such care to plant and water the seeds, only to eat and kill what eventually would grow?"

God's mouth opened and I saw all events happening at once in Eternity. Everything that was created was simultaneously destroyed. My hair turned white in awe and terror.

God's mouth closed.

I said to God, "You could have just said no."

Flat

I took a walk with my friend Reg. 

Reg said that humans are innately stupid. Reg cited how people used to believe the Earth was flat, and how even after it was disproven, people still believed in the flat Earth for at least another generation.

Suddenly I heard Reg scream. 

I looked down and saw Reg falling off the edge of the Earth into Space. I watched him until he became a spec and then disappeared. 

I went home and had a bowl of mayonnaise and whipped cream.

Lincoln

I was bored and took my time machine back to a few minutes before President Lincoln's death. I sat next to the President at Ford's Theater. 

 

I told him that I was from the future and he was about to be killed. Lincoln asked what he should do. I said he should start acting all crazy. 

 

The President stood up, dropped his pants, started drooling, and began cackling like a chicken. 

 

Suddenly John Wilkes Booth appeared, gun drawn. Booth was disgusted and left. 

 

The audience was shocked at Lincoln's actions and the next day he was declared insane and had to resign the presidency. 

 

I apologized to Lincoln. 

 

He said he forgave me because he was alive.

um

I'm kind of dumb. 

But I'm smart enough to know that.

Wednesday

Wednesday called last night at 11:59 pm and said, "I'm feeling lousy. Can you take my place?" 

I didn't want to, but like the people pleaser I am, I said yes. 

I've been working non-stop and haven't slept. 

I've been making all kinds of just ridiculous and stupid mistakes. I apologize for any crap and pain-in-the-assness that may have come your way.

Oh, shit, Thursday just left me a text message!

Resolved

I took my time machine back to 1903 for the Wright Brothers' first flight. 

My time machine appeared in the path of their moving plane. They stopped and got out. They were curious of my time machine. 

I invited them in and then took them back to today. I dropped them off in downtown Chicago and ditched them. 

I came home feeling great with the assurance that I would never again have to take a flight with shaky turbulence like the one from Tucson last week.

On My Own

The writing team from India that I've been paying to write my blog posts has gone out of business. I'm writing on my own today. Please be kind.

...So, this dog came up to me and said, "I hate cats." 

I said that was not surprising news. 

The dog said, "Dude, aren't you surprised that I'm talking?"

Boat

I inherited an ocean liner. My grandfather was a collector of boats and he recently died and left me his ocean liner. I have great memories of when I was a kid running around the decks with my sister as the ship passed through the Suez Canal, or around the Glaciers of Alaska. I don't have the space in my driveway for the ocean liner, so I'm selling it. I'm including the trailer hitch at no extra charge.

Calender

Today is the best day yet ever because it's not yesterday. 

Yesterday sucked.

Visionary

I'm sitting on my couch, looking out the window at trees, imagining the books they will one day become.

Earth Day

I took the Earth to see the movie Noah for Earth Day. 

Afterwards we went for a walk and I asked if the Earth thought it would ever flood itself again. 

The Earth said it was considering it since I didn't buy it popcorn and a soda.

Jesus

Jesus came over to my house.

We danced to some albums.

He helped me do the dishes. I put suds on my head. Jesus laughed.

 We laid out on the grass in my backyard and looked up at the sky.

I asked Jesus what's the secret to life.

Jesus said, "Everything we've been doing up till you asked that question."

Stroll

I was walking alongside the swamp with God.

We were actually holding hands!

I think God did that because there was no one around to notice.

Snow

I woke up this morning to snow in my yard.

I went outside and said, "What the hell's going on?"

The snow said, "What do you mean? This is what I do."

I went to my garage, got out a gas can, went to my yard, poured gasoline on the snow, lit it, and watched the flames melt the snow away in a few minutes.

I went inside and poured myself a glass of water.

The water said, "You can't hide from me."

Train

I was walking on the train tracks. I got tired and laid down. 

A train came by and said, "Look, you've got to get up or I'll have to run you over." 

I said that the train sounded tired and if it wanted to it could lay down next to me. 

The train turned on it's side, I spooned it, and it was asleep in seconds.

Vincent

I was born without ambition. 

My parents were worried that I wouldn't amount to anything. So when I was five they would put the Vince Lombardi motivational record, "You Can and You Must!" on repeat play while I slept. 

It was successful in getting me to pee the bed.

Bath Time

I bought a duck and took baths with it.

It was better than the rubber kind. Even with the shit and feathers.

Titanic

I took my time machine to the deck of the Titanic in 1912.

A jazz band was playing. Some people were dancing. Others stood on the railing and looked at the water.

Someone came up to me and noticed that I was dressed oddly.

I said that I was from the future.

They asked what I was doing on the Titanic.

I said that I needed to get the bad taste of the movie out of my mouth.

Complain

My dog Rexy said, "I noticed when humans complain about anything it sounds like they are tired."

I said that was an unfair judgement.

My dog Rexy had me lay down and close my eyes. I was asleep in seconds.

Sauna

I was sitting in the sauna with God. 

I asked God if it's true that I have to think positively to get good things in my life. 

God said, "I'm not that much of an asshole."

Buddha

I saw Buddha sitting on a park bench. 

I sat down next to him. 

I was nervous and tried to ask him something but I just uttered some sounds. 

Buddha got irritated and said, "Yes, what is it?" 

I asked him what was the secret to happiness. 

Buddha said, "Leaving me alone."

Space!

My dog Rexy and I got in our rocket ship to take a trip to the Moon.

 It was quite a peaceful ride. 

But then while cooking dinner, I burnt the fillet mignons, and the sprinklers went off on the spacecraft, and we got soaked. 

There's something about the smell of a wet dog in close quarters.

Woods

I was walking in the woods when I came upon a unicorn. 

I said hi. 

The unicorn said hi. 

I said something dumb like, "What a nice day, isn't it?" 

The unicorn looked awkward and didn't say anything. 

I felt like an idiot and kept walking. 

It turns out the woods isn't such a relaxing place after all.

The King

I was walking through a field with the ghost of Elvis. 

I said I didn't get the whole dead thing. If you die, and you're a ghost, doesn't that mean you are still alive in some ways. 

Elvis said, "When you eat a cookie and it's delicious, why ruin it reading the ingredients?"