Shame: The Ultimate Inspirer

I'm reading a great book called, "Shame: The Ultimate Inspirer" by G.S. Duene.

It says that we are deplorable self-destructive creatures headed toward a moral abyss. The sooner we see our feeble worthlessness, the quicker we become disgusted with ourselves, and start to do something about it.

Duene suggested we first take a thorough moral inventory of our life. I had my eyes opened when I saw that I couldn't remember the last time I showered. I was wondering why people preferred to remain at least eight feet from me. I became nauseous to myself. I began to feel "the basic worthlessness" that the author speaks about.

After a morning of deep shaming, I attempted a venture toward my bathroom for a shower. It was hard because I was disliking myself so much that I thought I wasn't worth being washed. This created greater shame and the derisive inspiration soon brought me under the shower head.

I turned on the water and cleaned myself. I dried myself off. I felt proud of my efforts. I knew the book was kicking in properly when I began to feel lousy and despicable about the current utter filth of my shower.

Resolved

2011 New Year's Resolutions:

1. Finally admit to rabbit allergy.

2. Stop buying rabbits.

3. Maintain delicate relationship with Easter Bunny.

Which Do You Prefer?

I asked my indoor plant, Dicey, if she wished she lived outdoors. Dicey asked me to take her outside so she could see.

I set Dicey out in the front yard. A cat came over and peed on her. A bee molested her looking for nectar. A bird built a nest in her tiny limbs which slumped them to the base of her pot.

I asked Dicey what she thought about the outdoors. She said, "I love it!"

Excitement at Home

Last night a falling star landed in my backyard. It was nice because it melted the snow. This woke up the grass. Do you know that startled look that people have when they are woken from a deep sleep? My dog Rexy and I laughed so hard.

Snow Fight

I got into a fight with a snowman this afternoon. I feel like an idiot for letting him get to me. He said I was a pussy for wearing so many layers of jackets, sweaters and scarfs.

He was just wearing a hat. I can't believe I took the bait and said that it was easy for him to find fault with me when he's made of ice. Then I made fun of his carrot nose. That's when the snowman started to cry.

The bizarre thing was the tears didn't freeze. I figured it was something we had in common. I apologized.

The snowman started laughing at me and said I was a fool. That's when I kicked him over. Luckily I didn't feel badly about that.

What I Got for Christmas

Presents that I got for Christmas this year:

1. A rhino. Not stuffed but alive. So far it's just standing in my living room eating from a pile of hay. I'm being so quiet as to not incite it into ramming things with its big horn.

2. An Invisible Man Outfit. I already wore it this morning. I went shopping and no one noticed me. Though that's kind of the case normally.

3. A Hummingbird Egg Omelet Maker. I have to add 75 eggs to make an omelet. So far I have two eggs. I think I'll have to eat something else because I'm getting very hungry.

4. Chocolate Pants. They're a perfect fit and I don't eat chocolate so it works out well.

5. A photo of God. God is sitting on the couch watching TV. I think it's I Love Lucy. That's a pretty good show.

6. A 20 pound bar of gold. I'm going to use it as a door stop. My previous one wasn't heavy enough and the door kept shutting.

7. A signed photo of President Obama. He wrote, "I hope you like this picture. Everyone seems to be upset at me these days, so it would be nice to know there's one happy person."

Principles to Live By

Principles to Live By:

1. Be kind. Unless you are tired and it would help to be mean.

2. Always tell the truth. It's okay to skip this one if it saves time.

3. Give to others. Paying bills qualifies.

4. Don't be selfish. Unless doing so helps others see the errors of their selfish ways.

5. Don't cast aspersions. Unless they are eloquent.

6. Be grateful. Not necessary if it takes away from time spent enjoying things.

7. Make amends when necessary. Skip if you think it will help the other person see in what ways they contributed.

8. Be thankful to God. Can be dropped if you see that God is busy.

When Bad Turns Good

Chaunders, my goldfish, was feeling depressed. I asked what was the matter. Chaunders said he appreciated my housing and feeding him, but he missed living in the ocean.

I love Chaunders so I put him in a baggie with water and went to the ocean. We said our goodbyes and I dropped Chaunders into the water.

Chaunders swam with glee, zig-zagging in delirious patterns. Then he was eaten by a Flounder.

The Flounder apologized. I said it was okay. It helped me get rid of my feeling of being abandoned.

When Help Backfires

Santa came over today. He was exhausted and overwhelmed and wanted to hide out here until Christmas blew over. I said that would be okay with me, but things would probably end up being more difficult for him next week. He left angry.

I'm sure this means I'll get no presents this Saturday.

Oh, well. If I'm bummed on Christmas I'll just go and see a movie.

Wished Wishing Wishes

I got so tired of going to the wishing well. I felt like I was begging and it's hard to like me when I beg. "Can you help me win the lottery? Can you make her like me? Please help my team win at the pachinko finals?" I think, "Whatever you're going to get will not wipe away the humiliation that you're asking a well for a favor." So I bought the wishing well and I had it filled with cement. I felt relieved.

But then nuclear war started. Missiles were heading towards every big city in the world. I felt like an idiot for dismantling the wishing well. I sat in my backyard and moped.

Suddenly a wishing well appeared in my backyard. I forgot my judgments and took a nickle out of my pocket and wished for everything to be okay again.

Five minutes went by. Then a half hour. Pretty soon it was nighttime. I went inside and watched the news. There was no mention of nuclear bombs. It was as if it never happened. I went to bed.

I laid in bed and watched my thoughts. I found myself wishing more people read my blog. I got excited and went out to my backyard to deposit this wish. But the wishing well was gone. At first I was disappointed. But then I thought, "Oh, well, I'm not dead by nuclear explosions."

Waiting for the Train

I'm waiting for the train. I'd like to share some of the things that I see around me.

There's a guy dressed in a suit. His cell phone doesn't seem to be working. He just threw it on the ground and now he's grinding it to pieces with his foot. Oh, my. The phone is ringing. He's panicking. Now he's on the ground, talking into the shattered pieces of his cell phone.

A woman a few feet away is weeping. She has a book open on her lap. I see a photo of a woman crying. She noticed that I'm looking and closed her book. The cover of the book features a photo of a crying baby. The title is, "Cry Your Way to Happiness."

A train is stopping on the other side of the tracks. As people are getting out the train is shrinking. As the last person gets out, the train is the size of a match box.

Oh, Well

I took my boat out and decided to just sail north. Eventually I ended up in the Arctic Sea, and lo and behold, the North Pole. The strangest part was I came upon Santa's Workshop. I don't believe in Santa, so to see that I was wrong was very exciting.

I went in. Things were wild and crazy in preparation for Christmas. Santa saw me and came over. Even though things were at panic level, he took the time to talk with me and make me feel comfortable. I understood why he's sometimes called Saint Nick.

Eventually it came down to Santa saying, "What do you want for Christmas?"

I embarrassingly felt my heart shoot out of my body. I thought for certain I'd burned hope and expectation out of my heart chamber decades ago.

I said, "I'd like to live in one of those resort suites that are supported on poles above the luscious bright blue waters of the gentle Caribbean sea. I want to eat unlimited amounts of lobster and greek fries. Plus I'd like a pet dolphin."

I was sure Santa would say, "Are you f#@cking kidding me?"

But Santa nodded and said, "We'll see what we can do."

I thought, "What does that mean? Maybe it's his kind way of saying no. When people are constantly asking you for things, you have to find some way to deal with it so you don't go crazy."

I thanked Santa and left. I got on my boat and headed south. When I got near home I got sucked up in a hurricane. I thought for certain I would end up dead on the bottom of the sea.

Hours later the storm settled and I found myself in the Caribbean sea. A dolphin winked at me as it began swimming along with my boat. I sighed. I felt like an idiot as I remembered telling my 2nd grade class during show and tell that Santa didn't exist. I remembered kids crying and breaking things, and the teacher making me stand in the corner with a dunce cap on my head. I remembered feeling proud that I was a martyr for doing the right thing.

The dolphin said, "If it makes you feel any better, Athena's All You Can Eat Lobster Restaurant burned down last week."

Red Flag

I like walking through graveyards. They're peaceful places. There's something so quiet about people that are dead. They make no demands. They're so relaxed.

But then yesterday as I was striding through the cemetery and walked past a grave I heard, "Psssst, hey, over here."

I went to the grave and looked around and saw no one. But then from below the ground I heard, "I'm down here."

I said, "What's up?"

The voice from the grave said, "I was wondering if you can do something for me?"

I said, "It depends." I used to always say, "Sure" when people asked me to do them a favor. But then I changed my mind when I subbed one day for a friend at the animal husbandry farm.

The voice from the grave said, "I need to go and take care of a few things. Can you please dig me up and then save my space while I step out for a few hours?"

I said, "Are you sure it will only be a few hours?"

The voice from the grave said, "Probably not even that long."

As I was digging up the dirt with my hands I thought I would end up regretting this, but it's hard to say no when someone says please.

Bridging

I took a walk across the Brooklyn Bridge. I sensed the bridge was feeling low. I asked what was going on. The Brooklyn Bridge said it needed a vacation. I asked where it would like to go. The Brooklyn Bridge said Miami. The only thing holding the bridge back was it didn't know how to get to Miami. I knew how and offered to help.

I had the Brooklyn Bridge wait till there were no more cars. Then I put a sign up on both entrances to the bridge that said, "I'm Closed, I'll Be Back in 2 Weeks, Please Take the 59th Street Bridge."

The Brooklyn Bridge was slow moving at first. It hadn't moved for over 100 years and was feeling stiff. I'm the same way after I've only been sitting on the couch for a couple of hours. But soon the Brooklyn Bridge had made its way to the Atlantic Coast and began to head south.

We talked and shared a lot on our trip to Florida. The Brooklyn Bridge told me that sometimes it forgets it's a bridge and has fantasies that it's a giraffe. I said that I used to have an addiction to cream soda, but through treatment I recovered.

Soon we arrived in Miami. For the first few days, the Brooklyn Bridge and I hung out and slept on the beach. Here's a weird fact, the Brooklyn Bridge snores!

Non-Fiction Fiction

I was shoveling snow from the driveway when the ghost of Tom Sawyer came by. It turns out fictional characters eventually become ghosts. They were created by an author in a process of self-fertilization and they live until the book is finished. When someone reads the book, they are basically looking at a historical document of the character's life.

Tom Sawyer said, "Too bad it's not whipped cream. If it was, you could sit down with a spoon, enjoyin' the spoils, till you had a clean driveway."

I said, "Not me. I'm allergic to dairy and sugar."

Tom Sawyer said, "I have the fortune of only being allergic to caster oil. Though I don't know the benefit of not being allergic."

I said, "Do you ever wish you could come alive in another book?"

Tom Sawyer said, "I'm alive right now because this will end up in your blog. But when it's being read I'll be back to haunting the days of people who have little to do."

I said, "Sometimes I think I'm a character that's currently being written. I mean, I couldn't come up with this kind of stuff on my own."