Shame: The Ultimate Inspirer

I'm reading a great book called, "Shame: The Ultimate Inspirer" by G.S. Duene.

It says that we are deplorable self-destructive creatures headed toward a moral abyss. The sooner we see our feeble worthlessness, the quicker we become disgusted with ourselves, and start to do something about it.

Duene suggested we first take a thorough moral inventory of our life. I had my eyes opened when I saw that I couldn't remember the last time I showered. I was wondering why people preferred to remain at least eight feet from me. I became nauseous to myself. I began to feel "the basic worthlessness" that the author speaks about.

After a morning of deep shaming, I attempted a venture toward my bathroom for a shower. It was hard because I was disliking myself so much that I thought I wasn't worth being washed. This created greater shame and the derisive inspiration soon brought me under the shower head.

I turned on the water and cleaned myself. I dried myself off. I felt proud of my efforts. I knew the book was kicking in properly when I began to feel lousy and despicable about the current utter filth of my shower.

Resolved

2011 New Year's Resolutions:

1. Finally admit to rabbit allergy.

2. Stop buying rabbits.

3. Maintain delicate relationship with Easter Bunny.

Which Do You Prefer?

I asked my indoor plant, Dicey, if she wished she lived outdoors. Dicey asked me to take her outside so she could see.

I set Dicey out in the front yard. A cat came over and peed on her. A bee molested her looking for nectar. A bird built a nest in her tiny limbs which slumped them to the base of her pot.

I asked Dicey what she thought about the outdoors. She said, "I love it!"

Excitement at Home

Last night a falling star landed in my backyard. It was nice because it melted the snow. This woke up the grass. Do you know that startled look that people have when they are woken from a deep sleep? My dog Rexy and I laughed so hard.

Snow Fight

I got into a fight with a snowman this afternoon. I feel like an idiot for letting him get to me. He said I was a pussy for wearing so many layers of jackets, sweaters and scarfs.

He was just wearing a hat. I can't believe I took the bait and said that it was easy for him to find fault with me when he's made of ice. Then I made fun of his carrot nose. That's when the snowman started to cry.

The bizarre thing was the tears didn't freeze. I figured it was something we had in common. I apologized.

The snowman started laughing at me and said I was a fool. That's when I kicked him over. Luckily I didn't feel badly about that.

What I Got for Christmas

Presents that I got for Christmas this year:

1. A rhino. Not stuffed but alive. So far it's just standing in my living room eating from a pile of hay. I'm being so quiet as to not incite it into ramming things with its big horn.

2. An Invisible Man Outfit. I already wore it this morning. I went shopping and no one noticed me. Though that's kind of the case normally.

3. A Hummingbird Egg Omelet Maker. I have to add 75 eggs to make an omelet. So far I have two eggs. I think I'll have to eat something else because I'm getting very hungry.

4. Chocolate Pants. They're a perfect fit and I don't eat chocolate so it works out well.

5. A photo of God. God is sitting on the couch watching TV. I think it's I Love Lucy. That's a pretty good show.

6. A 20 pound bar of gold. I'm going to use it as a door stop. My previous one wasn't heavy enough and the door kept shutting.

7. A signed photo of President Obama. He wrote, "I hope you like this picture. Everyone seems to be upset at me these days, so it would be nice to know there's one happy person."

Principles to Live By

Principles to Live By:

1. Be kind. Unless you are tired and it would help to be mean.

2. Always tell the truth. It's okay to skip this one if it saves time.

3. Give to others. Paying bills qualifies.

4. Don't be selfish. Unless doing so helps others see the errors of their selfish ways.

5. Don't cast aspersions. Unless they are eloquent.

6. Be grateful. Not necessary if it takes away from time spent enjoying things.

7. Make amends when necessary. Skip if you think it will help the other person see in what ways they contributed.

8. Be thankful to God. Can be dropped if you see that God is busy.

When Bad Turns Good

Chaunders, my goldfish, was feeling depressed. I asked what was the matter. Chaunders said he appreciated my housing and feeding him, but he missed living in the ocean.

I love Chaunders so I put him in a baggie with water and went to the ocean. We said our goodbyes and I dropped Chaunders into the water.

Chaunders swam with glee, zig-zagging in delirious patterns. Then he was eaten by a Flounder.

The Flounder apologized. I said it was okay. It helped me get rid of my feeling of being abandoned.

When Help Backfires

Santa came over today. He was exhausted and overwhelmed and wanted to hide out here until Christmas blew over. I said that would be okay with me, but things would probably end up being more difficult for him next week. He left angry.

I'm sure this means I'll get no presents this Saturday.

Oh, well. If I'm bummed on Christmas I'll just go and see a movie.

Wished Wishing Wishes

I got so tired of going to the wishing well. I felt like I was begging and it's hard to like me when I beg. "Can you help me win the lottery? Can you make her like me? Please help my team win at the pachinko finals?" I think, "Whatever you're going to get will not wipe away the humiliation that you're asking a well for a favor." So I bought the wishing well and I had it filled with cement. I felt relieved.

But then nuclear war started. Missiles were heading towards every big city in the world. I felt like an idiot for dismantling the wishing well. I sat in my backyard and moped.

Suddenly a wishing well appeared in my backyard. I forgot my judgments and took a nickle out of my pocket and wished for everything to be okay again.

Five minutes went by. Then a half hour. Pretty soon it was nighttime. I went inside and watched the news. There was no mention of nuclear bombs. It was as if it never happened. I went to bed.

I laid in bed and watched my thoughts. I found myself wishing more people read my blog. I got excited and went out to my backyard to deposit this wish. But the wishing well was gone. At first I was disappointed. But then I thought, "Oh, well, I'm not dead by nuclear explosions."

Waiting for the Train

I'm waiting for the train. I'd like to share some of the things that I see around me.

There's a guy dressed in a suit. His cell phone doesn't seem to be working. He just threw it on the ground and now he's grinding it to pieces with his foot. Oh, my. The phone is ringing. He's panicking. Now he's on the ground, talking into the shattered pieces of his cell phone.

A woman a few feet away is weeping. She has a book open on her lap. I see a photo of a woman crying. She noticed that I'm looking and closed her book. The cover of the book features a photo of a crying baby. The title is, "Cry Your Way to Happiness."

A train is stopping on the other side of the tracks. As people are getting out the train is shrinking. As the last person gets out, the train is the size of a match box.

Oh, Well

I took my boat out and decided to just sail north. Eventually I ended up in the Arctic Sea, and lo and behold, the North Pole. The strangest part was I came upon Santa's Workshop. I don't believe in Santa, so to see that I was wrong was very exciting.

I went in. Things were wild and crazy in preparation for Christmas. Santa saw me and came over. Even though things were at panic level, he took the time to talk with me and make me feel comfortable. I understood why he's sometimes called Saint Nick.

Eventually it came down to Santa saying, "What do you want for Christmas?"

I embarrassingly felt my heart shoot out of my body. I thought for certain I'd burned hope and expectation out of my heart chamber decades ago.

I said, "I'd like to live in one of those resort suites that are supported on poles above the luscious bright blue waters of the gentle Caribbean sea. I want to eat unlimited amounts of lobster and greek fries. Plus I'd like a pet dolphin."

I was sure Santa would say, "Are you f#@cking kidding me?"

But Santa nodded and said, "We'll see what we can do."

I thought, "What does that mean? Maybe it's his kind way of saying no. When people are constantly asking you for things, you have to find some way to deal with it so you don't go crazy."

I thanked Santa and left. I got on my boat and headed south. When I got near home I got sucked up in a hurricane. I thought for certain I would end up dead on the bottom of the sea.

Hours later the storm settled and I found myself in the Caribbean sea. A dolphin winked at me as it began swimming along with my boat. I sighed. I felt like an idiot as I remembered telling my 2nd grade class during show and tell that Santa didn't exist. I remembered kids crying and breaking things, and the teacher making me stand in the corner with a dunce cap on my head. I remembered feeling proud that I was a martyr for doing the right thing.

The dolphin said, "If it makes you feel any better, Athena's All You Can Eat Lobster Restaurant burned down last week."

Red Flag

I like walking through graveyards. They're peaceful places. There's something so quiet about people that are dead. They make no demands. They're so relaxed.

But then yesterday as I was striding through the cemetery and walked past a grave I heard, "Psssst, hey, over here."

I went to the grave and looked around and saw no one. But then from below the ground I heard, "I'm down here."

I said, "What's up?"

The voice from the grave said, "I was wondering if you can do something for me?"

I said, "It depends." I used to always say, "Sure" when people asked me to do them a favor. But then I changed my mind when I subbed one day for a friend at the animal husbandry farm.

The voice from the grave said, "I need to go and take care of a few things. Can you please dig me up and then save my space while I step out for a few hours?"

I said, "Are you sure it will only be a few hours?"

The voice from the grave said, "Probably not even that long."

As I was digging up the dirt with my hands I thought I would end up regretting this, but it's hard to say no when someone says please.

Bridging

I took a walk across the Brooklyn Bridge. I sensed the bridge was feeling low. I asked what was going on. The Brooklyn Bridge said it needed a vacation. I asked where it would like to go. The Brooklyn Bridge said Miami. The only thing holding the bridge back was it didn't know how to get to Miami. I knew how and offered to help.

I had the Brooklyn Bridge wait till there were no more cars. Then I put a sign up on both entrances to the bridge that said, "I'm Closed, I'll Be Back in 2 Weeks, Please Take the 59th Street Bridge."

The Brooklyn Bridge was slow moving at first. It hadn't moved for over 100 years and was feeling stiff. I'm the same way after I've only been sitting on the couch for a couple of hours. But soon the Brooklyn Bridge had made its way to the Atlantic Coast and began to head south.

We talked and shared a lot on our trip to Florida. The Brooklyn Bridge told me that sometimes it forgets it's a bridge and has fantasies that it's a giraffe. I said that I used to have an addiction to cream soda, but through treatment I recovered.

Soon we arrived in Miami. For the first few days, the Brooklyn Bridge and I hung out and slept on the beach. Here's a weird fact, the Brooklyn Bridge snores!

Non-Fiction Fiction

I was shoveling snow from the driveway when the ghost of Tom Sawyer came by. It turns out fictional characters eventually become ghosts. They were created by an author in a process of self-fertilization and they live until the book is finished. When someone reads the book, they are basically looking at a historical document of the character's life.

Tom Sawyer said, "Too bad it's not whipped cream. If it was, you could sit down with a spoon, enjoyin' the spoils, till you had a clean driveway."

I said, "Not me. I'm allergic to dairy and sugar."

Tom Sawyer said, "I have the fortune of only being allergic to caster oil. Though I don't know the benefit of not being allergic."

I said, "Do you ever wish you could come alive in another book?"

Tom Sawyer said, "I'm alive right now because this will end up in your blog. But when it's being read I'll be back to haunting the days of people who have little to do."

I said, "Sometimes I think I'm a character that's currently being written. I mean, I couldn't come up with this kind of stuff on my own."

Constructing the Day Out of Scratch

I woke up feeling flat. It was hard to get motivated. So I laid in bed.

By noon my bed said, "Seriously, when are you going to get up? I need my rest."

I got out of bed and stood. There was no place to go and I didn't want to lay back down a piss off the bed.

The sun peaked through the window. The sun said, "I'm sad that you're not outside enjoying my new rays."

I went outside. The rays felt good on my body. But then I saw that my neighbor was standing in his driveway looking at me uncomfortably because I was still in my underwear.

I went back into my house and sat on the couch. I was there for a few hours when the couch said, "Um, it kind of hurts when you sit in one place for too long. Could you at least move around?"

I got up and went to the kitchen. I opened the fridge and gazed. The lettuce said, "You're making me uncomfortable with your staring."

I looked at the clock on the wall. It said 4:13. I took the clock off the wall and took it apart. I put the pieces back together and it was now a duck. I'm good at rearranging.

Doing My Best to Clean Up the Past

I felt the snap-crackle in the air and found myself going back in time. I never know where I'll end up. I used to try and guess. Once I thought for certain that I was going to the battle of Agincourt, but then I found myself at the tennis match of Bobby Riggs and Billy Jean King. I was right in sensing that it was a battle though.

The air shook and vibrated, there was a whooshing sound, and this time I ended up, lo and behold at the signing of the Treaty at Versailles in 1919. It was nice because it was the first time I'd been to France. It turns out it still counts as visiting a country when you're there at an earlier time than now.

Everyone seemed tired. World War One had just ended. There's something about war that's similar to raising kids in that everyone's exhausted.

Outside the hall where the treaty that spelled out the terms of Germany's surrender was being drawn up, I came upon a particularly distraught German soldier sitting on a bench.

I said, "I'm sorry about your loss." I wasn't, but I learned from funerals it's the correct thing to say.

The German soldier said, "Germany may be down, but the Motherland shall rise again."

I said, "Yes, that's true. But like waves on the ocean, things fall, rise and fall again." I'm amazing at philosophy when I have exact knowledge of the profound outcome.

When the soldier introduced himself as Adolf Hitler, I suggested he consider a career as an actor in the German cinema. I mentioned that his classical good looks and obvious charisma would make him a renowned movie star. I was hoping that my encouragement would help him make a career change.

Everything in Perspective

I went swimming this morning and ran into Poseidon, the god of the seas. I'm easily enamored by gods. I feel so tiny. Like I'm a speck and they are the sun. Which ruins any chance of connection. Who wants to relate to a groveler?

I was, "Um, ah, I was just, I - ah..."

The thing is, gods are humble. They are just out doing their job. Poseidon happens to run all lakes, seas and oceans. Yes, I'm doing my job by writing this blog. And essentially because we're all living our innate nature, we're all doing the same thing. But I can't help but compare. I type a few words. Poseidon runs the mighty flow of all bodies of water, from the Atlantic down to water coming out of the tap.

Poseidon must have been intuitive and sympathetic because he said, "None to worry, human, as for myself I thinkith my place as a wart on the arse of Zeus."

In Line With the Boss

I was standing in line next to Bruce Springsteen at Walmart. It was circumstance. We don't know each other. I've probably stood in line with over 20,000 people. I often think, "Wow, I never knew this person existed until now. It's like I invented them in my mind for this story about standing in line." But in some ways, I'm in their story.

The line with Bruce wasn't moving. The cashier called for a manager and was waiting.

I said to Bruce, "I'm sorry, but I haven't gotten your new album, The Promise."

Bruce said, "What do you do?"

I said, "I wrote a book about clutter."

Bruce said, "I'm sorry I haven't gotten your clutter book."

I said, "I have a copy. Would you like it?"

I carry my clutter book with me wherever I go. I've done so few things in my life that prove I'm worthwhile. In the end we have to do our own PR.

Bruce said, "Sure. Would you like a copy of my new album?"

I nodded. He got a copy off the CD and DVD shelf of last minute purchases. I couldn't believe Bruce was going to buy me a copy of his album. I got my book free from my publisher.

Let the Sunshine In

There was a knock at my door. I answered and it was a squirrel.

I said, "Yes?"

The squirrel said, "It's dreadfully cold out and I forgot to grow my winter hair and I was wondering if I can come in to warm up?"

The thing is, I like squirrels. But I'm apprehensive because whenever I come near them they run up a tree. "Why are you running away from me? I just want to pet you." It's hard on my self-esteem. I wish it didn't effect me so. But maybe this was the opportunity of a better world.

I said, "Sure, okay."

The squirrel came in and immediately began to tear up my carpet, sofa and drapes.

I said, "What are you doing?!"

The squirrel said, "What the hell does it look like? I'm making a nest!"

I kicked the squirrel out. It's like my grandpa Duke used to say, "Clouds are always screwing things up, but eventually you see the light."

Tramped

The ghost of Charlie Chaplin wandered by this morning. He told me that he wished he was still making movies. I said I wished I was in Aruba. It's an island off of South America that my dad used to take us for Christmas vacation. The water was clear blue sky. The sun came down and put its arm around you.

Charlie Chaplin asked if I had a film camera so we could shoot a movie. I said I didn't have one, but we could use the camera in my computer. He got excited and took over as writer and director. He said I would be a forest sprite who dances all day long. He pointed the computer's camera in my direction and yelled, "Dance nature sprite, dance!"

I danced but didn't feel good about it. Sometimes I get so enamored by celebrities. If they weren't famous I could easily ignore them. But because they enchanted me in the past, I owe them.

Chaplin yelled, "Wonderful, I can feel your pathos!"

Appreciation

My living room split open and I looked down into the pit of hell. The thing is, the heat was nice. It was twenty-two degrees outside. My apartment is not well insulated and I can never get warm enough.

I stripped down to my shorts and sat at the edge of the opening to hell. My dog Rexy sat next to me with the leash in her mouth. I said, "Sure" and we ventured down into the fiery pits.

I marveled at the flames. I'm just okay at starting and maintaining a fire in a fire place. Plus I have to constantly adjust the logs with a poker and then keep adding kindling and paper. I never get a chance to sit back and enjoy.

Rexy and I walked for a long while. Finally we came upon the Devil. We introduced ourselves and expressed our gratitude. The Devil was taken aback. I think you give someone a gift when you say thanks.

Angeled

I was visited by an angel.

I said, "Why are you here?"

The angel said, "I don't have a reason. Do you need one?"

I said, "I guess not."

We went for Chinese Food. I got the Shanghai Slammer. It's got Everything in it and it's held together with a pound of MSG. I ate the S. Slammer and was totally wiped out.

I said to the angel, "I thought your presence would make me safe."

The angel said, "Why would you think that?"

I said, "I thought you were a guardian."

The angel said, "You thought wrong."

I struggled to get to my car.

I drove. I was so spacey that I drove off a cliff. On the way down I said to the angel, "Is there anything you can do about this?"

The angel said, "Nope."

We crashed. The car burst in flames. It hurt. We got out.

I said, "Are there any benefits to hanging out with you?"

The angel said, "As many as there are to hanging out with you."

No Use Knockin'

This morning I was trying to write songs on my guitar. Nothing good was showing up. Creativity is like an odd way of dating. You set aside the time, take a shower, get dressed up and wait at the door and hope by chance that someone happens to come by and take you out.

So there I was frustratingly strumming away like an old maid to dismal rhymes when the ghost of Bobby Charles showed up. I freaked. He wrote "See You Later, Alligator." That's right up there with "Yes, We Have No Bananas." I was sweating and trembling. He told me he appreciated the sentiment.

I told Bobby Charles that I wish I could write and sing like him. He said his wasn't an easy life. He struggled with his songs. Occasionally and rarely the clouds would part and suddenly there was, "No Use Knockin."

I said I wish I could stop thinking that I'm on the bottom of the rungs of life. I was tired of looking up at the asses of those I admire.

Bobby Charles said we're all on same step, and there's only one step. What we're looking up at is our reflection.

General Outlook

Today I went for walk by the lake with the ghost of Confederate General Stonewall Jackson.

General Jackson asked me what I was thinking. I said life I figured life would be easier if I was a general or president because when I wasn't in that big position anymore, people would still refer to me by my title. "Mister" doesn't carry any weight.

General Jackson said that it wasn't such a nice perk. He haunted a veteran's home the other day and some of the residents saluted him. But then they saw his Confederate Army uniform and they threw their plates of beans at him.

I asked if he had any animosity towards the North. He said he never had any. His Grandmother Mema told him, "See the job, do the job, stay out of the misery." I said I wished I felt that about my cashier's job at Walmart, but customers are always breaking my balls when I tell them they can't use expired coupons.