The Details

The Trip

The donkey didn't want to be ridden. So I asked the donkey if it would like to walk with me to my destination.

The donkey said yes, and we set out.

We walked three hours over hills and through valleys, not saying a word. Finally we arrived at the 7-11.

I bought the donkey a cherry-coke Slurpee. I got lemon-lime.

On the way back, we talked non-stop.

Revisiting

I took my rocket ship up to the Moon to get away. While up there, I ran into the ghost of Neil Armstrong.
 
I said to him, "Are you taking the opportunity for another walk on the Moon?"

The ghost of Neil Armstrong said, "I wouldn't say I'm taking this. When I died, I suddenly found myself here."

I said, "Maybe when you die you automatically revisit the area of your greatest significance."

The ghost of Neil Armstrong said, "Where do you think you'll will go when you die?"

I said, "To revisit the time I finally beat my dad in ping pong."

Shake the Sun!

This is my official record album. It's called Shake the Sun. They are songs I corralled from the ether. Click the Hubble satellite photo to learn more!

Endeavor

I decided to take a walk around the world.

I was doing well till I got to the shores of the Atlantic Ocean. I stopped, and got flustered. I didn't like stopping, so I waded in.

I kept going and was soon underwater. Underwater walking takes longer and my progress was slowed. Plus it was hard holding my breath for so long.

I soon began losing my enthusiasm.

But then I remembered how the philosopher Albert Schweitzer said, "If you find yourself at the end of the universe, and you forgot why you went there in the first place, then you are twice blessed."

The Stream

I went for a stroll along the stream with the ghost of Mother Teresa.

I asked her what she was thinking about.

The ghost of Mother Teresa said, "I was noticing the leaf moving swiftly on the current, smashing into rocks, getting pulled under water, tangling up in a stick, being torn, and then continuing on in pieces."

I asked if that meant I should flow with what life brings me.

The ghost of Mother Teresa said, "No, I wished you were that leaf."

Things I Like

I like when I'm walking through the woods and come across a grizzly bear and he sees that I have a jar of fresh honey and he asks me for some and I give it to him and he really enjoys it on some toast.

Glacier

I hiked on a glacier.

The glacier said, "Could you please walk on me a little more gently?"

I apologized and took off my shoes. I tip-toed.

The glacier said, "No, you didn't have to go that far. Now I'm worried your that your feet will freeze."

Things suck when even your relationship with nature is dysfunctional.

What I Woke To

I woke up and was surprised to find a raccoon sleeping next to me. I was a little scared to wake the raccoon because I heard raccoons panic when startled and they have very sharp claws. I slid out of bed very slowly.

I stepped onto the floor and bumped against a hippo. The hippo shuffled a bit, but stayed asleep. I was more startled by the presence of the hippo than the raccoon. They are gigantic. And they smell!

I slid by the hippo. I stepped into my living room. There was a vulture perched on my couch. The vulture was sleeping too, but it awoke and opened one eye. It was an intense eye. I guess vultures assess things on whether or not they can eat it. The vulture closed its eye and went back to sleep.

I got out some orange juice and poured it into a glass. I sat down at my kitchen table and thought about how these animals could have come into my home. Last night I watched television until about midnight. I brushed my teeth and went to bed. I don't remember any animals during these activities.

I felt something brush against my feet. It was cold and slimy. I looked down and saw a boa constrictor slither by. I was scared that it would wrap around me. But the boa constrictor went by and then down the hallway.

I noticed my side door was partially open. That must have been how the animals got in. But, why?

I got online to investigate. I saw on the local news site that the zoo caught fire. Many of the animals died. But a good number escaped and they had yet to be found.

I heard the side door creak. I looked and saw a gorilla walk in. The gorilla sat next to me. It smelled of soot and was scared. I got the gorilla a glass of water and he drank it down. I motioned towards my couch. The gorilla went and lay down. I put a blanket over him. He was asleep within seconds.

Miami

I lay out on the beach in Miami with God.

God offered to put suntan lotion on my back.

I cried. I said I've never met anyone with such endless compassion.

God said, "Um, I'm doing this because if I don't, you'll get a bad sunburn, and they'll be no end to your complaining."

The Desert

I was driving across the desert when I ran out of gas.

I sat for a while, not wanting to believe my situation.

Just then I heard a tapping at the passenger window. It was an armadillo.

I leaned over and opened the car door and asked the armadillo what it wanted. The armadillo said, "I've never been in a car before, can I come in?" I said yes.

The armadillo sat in the passenger seat. We didn't say anything for a few minutes. Then we made out.

Armadillos don't have lips so it didn't feel all that good. But still I got some comfort from my difficult situation.

On the Lake

I sat out on a sail boat on the lake with God. We weren't going anywhere because the wind had died down.

I started feeling restless and asked God to create some wind so we could get moving.

God said, "With your mind and my power, we could really go places."

Waiting for the Train

This morning I waited for the train. An hour went by. Then two.

I got angry and started walking along the tracks.

Not long after, the train came by and slowed down to my pace. I was too upset at the train to acknowledge its presence.

The train apologized, saying its alarm busted and didn't go off. The train said if I hopped on, I could ride for free. It's hard to stay angry at anyone, so I got on.

As we rode down the tracks, I offered to buy the train a new alarm clock. The train started to cry.

I tried comforting the train by stroking the back of my seat. The train began to sob and almost went off the tracks!

What Happened by the Creek

I took some time off to sit by the creek. The water flowing past relaxed me. I lay down and fell asleep.

When I woke up, there was an ant sitting on my nose, looking sternly at me.

The ant said, "Excuse me, but you are laying on my home!"

I apologized, stood up, put the ant on my finger, and set it down on the ground.

The ant gave me the finger and went into the anthill.

My feelings were hurt.

I left, went to the pet store, and bought an aardvark. I came back, set the aardvark on the anthill, and waited.

Cheese

My cheese business went bankrupt after 26 successful years of serving the public. I had to lay off 785 employees. I lost my purpose in life. 

I sat in the middle of my empty cheese processing plant, feeling distraught. 

But then I remembered what Barney said, "If you're still alive, what do you have to complain about?" 

I opened the exit door to the alleyway and invited in a horde of rats. Then I opened the doors to the cheese fridges and said, "Have at it!" 

The rats ran into the fridges and gorged on cheese. 

One of the rats looked at me with tears in its eyes and said, "This is the greatest day of my life!"