Day Trip

Today I was restless and got in my spaceship and rocketed to the Nebula star system. I space parked and got into my spacesuit and went for a space walk. I love the feeling of space walking. There's nothing to run into. On earth I'm constantly walking into trees and street signs.

I bought one of those extra long oxygen tubes for the space walks. They were on sale at sciencey.com. The extenda tube allows me to go pretty far. Today I space walked so far that I could no longer see my spaceship. I felt enveloped in blackness. When I first got the oxygen tube I painted it black so I could have the feeling that I didn't need the tube. I'm always looking for ways to feel more powerful.

I couldn't tell where I was at. As a result I had no frame of reference. I suddenly felt I was the primal force of concentrated energy just before it became the big bang. I thought of what I might become. The magnetic field, a galaxy, a black hole, a planet, an ocean, a sneeze.

Just then my dog Bippy appeared out of the blackness. She was in her spacesuit, licking the inside of the glass of her helmet. She always gets so happy when she sees me.

Morning Meeting

This morning I was taking my bath when a porpoise came up to the surface. This had never happened before. There have been other creatures though. There was the beaver, the minnow, the platypus and the astounding lily pad.

The porpoise said, "Oh, I'm sorry to startle you."

I said, "I'll be okay. Do you have enough room?"

The porpoise said, "Yes, thanks."

I said,"What's it like to live underwater?"

The porpoise said, "I'm a huge fan of floating so it's great. What's it like to live on land?"

I said, "It kind of sucks. That's why I like taking baths."

Key Stroke

My piano said, "How come you haven't played me recently?"

I said, "My fingers haven't felt nimble enough?"

My piano said, "I don't care if you play me sloppily. I like the touch of your fingers."

I sat at the piano and played some kind of crazy semblance of notes that blended into a hazy melody. The whole time my piano smiled like the sun, and things felt okay again.

From One Day to the Next

Last night at midnight I was surprised when Monday didn't arrive. It was just Sunday looking really pissed that Monday was running late, or something.

I said, "Sunday, I'm sure Monday will be here any minute."

Sunday said, "That's easy for you to say. This doesn't directly affect you."

I said, "I disagree, I feel your pain. Tell me what you're feeling."

Sunday started to cry and said, "I'm worried that something bad may have happened to Monday."

I said, "Well, let's go outside and see if we can find out what's going on."

Sunday and I went out and walked for a while. We found Monday sleeping on a park bench.

Sunday shook Monday and said, "Monday, what the hell is going on?!?"

Monday woke up startled and said, "I'm so sorry. I got here a few minutes early and I thought I'd rest while I waited. I'm so sorry for any inconvenience that I might have caused you."

Sunday forgave Monday and things were okay again.

The Owl and the Mouse

The Owl and the Mouse is available on iTunes from the album Brooks Takes His Time

(c) 2010
ASCAP Furry Dogs Publishing

Brooks, Meet Brooks

Today I was visited by the ghost of Brooks Palmer. He is the author of, "A Treasury of American Clocks." I've never read the book. I only recently became aware of the book because I get Google Alerts due to he and I having the same name.

Brooks said, "How do you like being a published author?"

I said, "It's okay. About a month after my clutter busting book came out, I got a smoking jacket, ascot, and a long filter-tip cigarette holder from the Writer's Association. I've tried writing with the outfit a few times. I noticed an improvement. But it was hard with the coughing."

Brooks said, "I wish I was still alive. I have some more books that I would like to write. I want to write a novelization about President Franklin Roosevelt's addiction to pudding. And I'd like write to a fictionalized autobiography of a tree that's deceased because he's now the book being read."

A Mixed Bag

I got tired of driving my car. So I donated my car to a charity. It was a charity to help displaced porcupines. Normally when a porcupine is lost in a city and can't find its way back to its woody home, it faces heavy discrimination. People are intimidated by the porcupine's spiky needles. This makes the porcupines distraught and bitter. When I watched a documentary about this on PBS, it broke my heart.

Yesterday I was walking down alleyways to my job. I like alleyways. I'm pretty shy and am adverse to facing people as they walk past me on the sidewalk. Well, I came upon a porcupine trying to hide behind a trash can. I could tell it had been crying. It was sniffling and rubbing its eyes. Plus I could sense the sorrow.

I said, "Is there anything I can do to help you?"

The porcupine said, "I can't believe you are risking talking to me."

I said, "Normally I would been afraid, but then I saw the documentary."

The porcupine said, "I heard about it. I haven't yet seen it though...But to answer your question, I need help getting back to the woods."

I felt kind of stupid for having given away my car because I could have used it to drive the porcupine to the woods. But then I remembered that I had the number for Soft Needles, the Porcupine Relocation charity. I called the number and gave them our location. They were there within minutes. The porcupine put its paw over its heart in my direction as they drove away.

I felt fantastic as I continued my walk to work. It's true that it feels good to give. Then there was the sound of thunder followed by a tremendous downpour. I was soaked in seconds. I started to feel differently.

"Love Comes From Strange Places"

I noticed a pool of liquid collecting in the grass in my backyard. I got closer and discovered it was oil. I don't know much about that kind of thing, so I called the local Texaco gas station. The manager came over and checked it out. He told me he thought there was an abundant supply of oil under the ground. He called some people and they came out the next day, checked it out and basically said I struck oil. I filled out some forms and now have an oil derrick pumping oil in my backyard.

I get a check from Texaco every month for about $20,000. This gave me the confidence to quit my job at 1(800)Psychic. I bought a dog and we sit at home and come up with songs. Last week we wrote one called, "Love Comes From Strange Places." It goes like this:

You never know what's a comin',
the day's a jester that delights in surprisin',
Yesterday I opened the door to tears from the ground,
and the day flipped from lost to found

Love Comes From Strange Places,
never like I expected,
places undreamnt of
and suddenly.....hello!

(c) 2010 Brooks P. and Mr. Rexy Dogmeister

Helping Out at Work

I got up early to milk the cows.

When I got to Mildred, my eleventh cow, she looked over at me and said, "I'm thinking of quitting and starting my own business."

I said, "Wow, really? You want to start selling your own milk?"

My cow Mildred said, "Yes, I think I can do it."

I said, "I had that same attitude when I started this farm. It helped me when I took out a loan and bought this land, and then took out another loan so I could have this barn constructed. I was in debt for about fourteen years, and a few times I didn't know how I was going to make it. I think the hardest part for me is the hundreds of hours a month I have to spend with the different grocery stores, schools and prisons haggling with them over my prices and delivery schedule. That same, "I can do it" attitude helps me work seven days a week, fourteen hours a day, especially during the brutally hard days of winter -"

My cow Mildred started crying.

I said, "Mildred, what's wrong?"

My cow Mildred said, "You're bringing me down...I think I'll stay on working here."

I pet my cow Mildred's head and said, "Mildred, would you like to design a new label for my 2% milk line?"

My cow Mildred mooed so loudly that the sparrows flew out of the rafters.

Where Curiosity Took Me

I'm tired. I stayed up late. Usually I'm in bed by midnight.

But around quarter to twelve I decided to make a wedding cake. I used to work as a caterer at weddings. I saw hundreds of wedding cakes. But I never ate a piece. I always wondered if it tasted differently than the other kinds of cake.

Around two am I took the cakes out of the oven. Then I frosted the cakes and built the tiers. Then I put the cakes on the tiers. It was done. But then I realized I didn't have a bride and groom to add to the top of the cake.

I knocked on the mouse hole in the back of my kitchen closet. The mice couple came out. They were groggy and wondered why I woke them. I said I needed them to act as bride and groom for the wedding cake. They said only if they could have a piece. I agreed.

I picked the mice up and put them on the top tier of the cake.

Just then my cat came into the kitchen and said, "What the hell is going on here!??"

Making the Best of It

My mom was an astronaut. She gave birth to me in space. This means that I have no citizenship. I'm a man without a country.

After years of being on the run, the INS eventually caught up with me. I was arrested and deported to the International Space Station. I don't have astronaut skills so I got a job as a domestic worker. I clean toilets and sweep the corridors and clean the windows on the space station.

I don't mind. I like to work. Plus the view from here is amazing.

Comfort Food

A ways back I had an interaction with Marie Antoinette. She was imprisoned and I was the chef at the Prison de Mazas. I heard that she liked chive omelets. I made and delivered a chive omelet to her cell. She said, "Merci." That meant a lot to me. I made a chive omelet again for her the next day. She was unresponsive. I was a little hurt. But then I got it. She was scheduled for execution later that morning.

I've often thought if I was going to be executed that I would order an extra cheese stuffed pizza as a last meal. I'm allergic to wheat and dairy. But I love pizza. This way I could eat and enjoy the pizza and not have to worry about the allergic reactions.

Minus 24

I went back in time. Back to yesterday morning. I did things a little differently based on what I knew.

I chose not to see Resident Evil: Afterlife again. It's not that it was a horrible movie. It was just okay and it's hard to do something for two hours that's just okay.

I didn't go to work. When I went there yesterday I got fired. But then my boss called in the afternoon and said I was fired. At least I didn't have to spend time taking the train downtown to the office.

I ended going to bed around two in the afternoon. I knew what was going to happen for the rest of the day and it took away the suspense that's necessary for me to do anything.

Bowie

David Bowie came to visit today. I don't know him. And it wasn't planned. I think he came over by accident, or like artists call it, "by chance." He never really clarified.

I'm a good host. I offered him some water. I don't have anything else to drink. I used to drink diet coke. A lot of it. But things change.

Bowie sat with me on my new leather couch. I got it a few days ago. It's so comfortable.

I played Bowie one of the songs from my new album. I was so embarrassed. It was like telling a millionaire about a twenty dollar bill I found on the ground.

A Long Time Coming

I've been around a long time. I've actually been alive since 54,000 B.C. I started out as a caveman. Life was pretty simple back then. Dinner was either berries, dirt, or saber-tooth tiger. I remember when fire was invented. Everyone was talking about it. I waited a few months before getting fire so the bugs could be worked out.

Back then there wasn't a concept of time. It was either bright or dark, and snow or grass. I ended up taking up cave painting as a hobby. That was our version of writing since there were no words invented yet. Words got invented when they ran out of paint and something had to be figured out on the spot.

The years went by and for some reason I kept staying alive. I worked for Genghis Khan for a little bit. I actually got fired. I showed up to a battle late. He was so upset. The thing is, I really like to sleep.

I met Christ. He was a nice person. I was short 3 teckles for a loaf of bread and people in line behind me got upset. Christ was right behind me and he gave the change. I said thanks. He said, "Don't mention it."

I remember when the Spanish Inquisition came through my town. Everyone was initially excited because they wore such nice clothes. But then they turned out to be assholes.