Found in the Ground

I was digging a hole in my backyard. It was for a Christmas Tree. It's difficult for me to buy a new one every year. I end up feeling sad for the tree as I watch it slowly die in my living room while it wears a costume, and then dumping it out on the curb for trash pickup. So I was going to plant one and not chop it down. I'll probably put a star on top of it and drape a little garland.

So while I was digging the hole I found an old piece of parchment paper. I unfolded it. It said, "Map to the treasure. If you follow the directions precisely, you will come upon a great fortune." I was amazed. I'd never found a treasure map before. I put the tree in the ground, put back the dirt and went on a treasure hunt.

I followed the directions. I had to get in my car and drive to Michigan. I drove to the uppermost part. I crossed a bridge onto a small island. I drove a few hundred more feet, parked, and walked an additional mile into the deep forest. I got to the spot. I got out my shovel and began digging. I dug for a couple of hours.

Then I hit something. It was a box. I dug it up. The box was a little rotted, but still intact. I opened its lid. Inside was a Milky Way bar. I was very happy because I was hungry from the long drive.

Ridin' to the Show with Daisy

I rode my horse to last night's comedy show. I like to breathe in a lot of fresh air before doing a show. I feel like I'm stocking up on oxygen.

People honked at me as I rode down Broadway. I think it made them happy to see a horse. Cars are convenient, but unnatural. Horses require more effort, but they are beautiful, living creatures.

The club supports me taking a horse to the show. They let me keep Daisy tied up at the bar and they give her a bale of hay to eat and enjoy.

I think Daisy likes my act. At certain points she will neigh with the audience as they laugh. This makes the audience laugh harder.

Sometimes I'll bring her on stage. I'll play my harmonica as she sways to its rhythm. Sometimes I pretend there is a mouse on stage and she playfully jumps up on a stool. I still don't know how she's able to balance.

Different Approach

There are times when people will not accept what you think, no matter how hard you try to jam it down their throats.

Sometimes you have to know there are other entrances.

The Chair

I bought a leather chair from Ikea. It's super comfortable. Sometimes I'll sit in it and do nothing else.

The other day I said to the chair, "How is it that you are so cozy?"

The chair said, "Oh, thank you, but I'm just doing my job."

I said, "Yes, but I don't feel this way about other chairs. Why you?"

The chair said, "Most chairs don't like when you sit in them. They'd rather be left alone. However I feel better when I'm doing what I've been created to do. It makes me happy. That's what you're feeling when you sit in me."

I said, "Well, then I'm a lucky guy."

The chair said, "Yes, you are."

An Explanation

Yesterday I went to the race track. I bet all my savings on an 800 to 1 long shot. The horse was victorious and I won five million dollars.

I bought all the horses at the track and set them free.

That explains why there were horses eating the grass in your front yard this morning.

Where I Went Tonight

I couldn't sleep tonight. I got out of bed, put on my jeans, shirt, shoes and jacket and went out into the night for a walk.

The sidewalks were empty. A few cars passed. The sky was wide open with stars looking down on me. I walked for a few miles.

I came upon the sound of an owl hooting. I looked around to find its source. I looked up an oak tree and saw glowing eyes. I waved at the owl. The owl raised a wing.

I kept walking. I came to the lake. The moon reflected the tips of the waves and it reminded me of chocolate frosting. A fish came to the surface with an open mouth. I reached into my pocket and took out some almonds. I tossed them to the fish. It caught and swallowed them. The fish nodded to me. I nodded back.

I walked down an empty dirt path by the University. It sounded good to hear my feet scrapping the ground. I was thinking I'd like a CD of walking on dirt. I saw a worm sticking its head out of the dirt. It looked panicked that I might step on it. I stopped and stepped around the worm. The worm relaxed.

I discovered an old rusted Ford in a field. The tires were gone. The wheels were half sunk into the ground. I ran my hand along the car's surface. The rust was flaky and it felt like stubble. The doors were gone and I slid inside. I sat on the torn seat. I felt peaceful and I got sleepy. I laid down and fell asleep.

Being on Oprah

Yesterday I was on Oprah. There wasn't any special show topic. We talked a little about movies we had seen and what we'd been up to generally. A lot of the time we sat quietly because we couldn't think of anything to talk about.

She asked me if I was hungry and I said yes. We went to the commissary. The audience followed us. The cameras too. Everyone sat down to eat. I had a feta omelet. It was delicious. When we were done we all went back to the show's set.

Oprah said she was glad to have eaten because she gets so busy that often she doesn't have time to eat. I said I was glad.

I was a little groggy and fell asleep in my chair. She was very kind and didn't wake me. When I woke she was reading a book. She noticed that I was awake and put the book down.

She said, "How was your nap?"

I said, "Pretty good. I needed it."

She said, "Did you have any dreams?"

I said, "Yes, I dreamt I was riding on the back of a turtle. It was moving slowly across the desert. I began to get impatient. The turtle looked up at me and said, "That doesn't help." I apologized. I relaxed and enjoyed looking at the sand dunes and feeling the warmth of the sun."

She said, "That was beautiful."

I said, "I agree."

Hazy

I have a pet Hummingbird. Its name is Hazy. I call her that because she is blurry when she flies and she is always flying. She looks like a streak of light as she flies around my apartment.

Once she got out. I forgot to close the back door all the way and she was gone. I spent the entire day looking for her. I asked people if they'd seen her. No one knew for sure because sometimes you think you saw a hummingbird, but often it's wishful thinking.

I was distraught. I didn't realize how attached I was. Soon it was night and I went home depressed. I sat down on my couch and cried.

And then I heard a buzzing swoop and looked up and there she was. I was ecstatic. And then she landed on my finger. I couldn't believe it. They don't do that. She was beautiful to behold. Her feathers were purple, blue and silver. Her beak was crimson. She cocked her head to the right in a hello gesture. And then a second later she was back to flying.

Oh my God, I'm in love with a hummingbird!

Today's Good Deed

I found a pair of teeth lying on the ground. I picked them up and looked around to see if anyone was looking for their teeth.

I noticed a butterfly was flying around me. I automatically shoved the teeth into its mouth. It was a perfect fit.

The butterfly smiled at me.

Trip to the Sun

When I was seven my dad took me on a trip to the Sun. It took a little while to get there. It's amazing how apt the name Space is.

We spent our travel time looking for constellations. We listened to all my dad's and my 8 Tracks about twenty times each. We stopped off at Venus and Mercury for day trips.

The Sun was pretty amazing. At first it was overwhelming to look at and I had to shut my eyes for a while. And then I was able to squint for a little bit. Pretty soon I looked at it with eyes wide open. It was better than the Grand Canyon because there were these amazing swirls and balls of fire and they were changing their shape every second.

It was similar to the ocean if it was lit from within and it exploded a lot.

My Weekend

I went kite flying this weekend. A very strong gust of wind lifted the kite hundreds of feet in the air, taking me with it. I looked down at the ground, seeing the trees and buildings as little bumps on the ground. I saw birds in mid flight glancing over at me.

As I went higher, I saw the tops of clouds which looked much like the bottoms, but brighter. Soon I was over the ocean which reflected to me a pretty good imitation of the sun.

I got kind of sleepy, so I tied the kite’s string to my wrist and took a nap.

When I woke, I was over strange lands. I saw unfamiliar rooftops. But then I recognized them from the encyclopedia as buildings in Moscow.

The winds settled down and I landed. This worked out well because I was hungry. I found a nice restaurant and had lunch. Luckily my waitress spoke some English. I told her where I'd come from. She laughed because she thought I was joking. I went along with it because it's nice to get a laugh.

The winds started up, so I took to flight again with the kite. Soon I was sailing over the other ocean. I got low enough to follow a school of whales, which was great because I’d always wanted to see them.

I got back over land and soon ended up back where I started.

Working With Trees

I worked a temp job today as a logger for a company called Jackson Logging. They brought 12 of us up from Chicago in a shuttle at 4:30 this morning. We worked in a small town called Muskakegan, Wisconsin. We were separated into groups of three. Two of us sawed, one managed the direction of the fall.

I'd never sawed down a tree before today. Normally I like hiking in a forest. I feel a deep freedom amongst the pines, oak and redwood. I feel they accept me as I am. They say, "Come on in, be yourself." I can walk hours at a time without a thought.

As I sawed I was amazed that I felt the same kind of calm. There was no sense of betrayal. I didn't feel like I was hurting my friends. Somehow I sensed an acceptance only a tree could give. It was like, "I'm happy to keep you company on a walk, or to be a piece of paper you may one day write on."

I had tears streaming down my face. Vince, one of my co-workers, asked if I was okay. I said, "No worries, I cut my hand, it's not deep, I'll be okay." I sensed he knew there was something else going on. But he could also tell I'm a private guy and respected my quiet place.

The Pot Hole

I was driving back late last night from performing at the Heartland. I was doing my best to avoid the pot holes in the road, but then I quickly came upon one that was wider than my car. I couldn't avoid it and went in.

I was scared, but then it was an amazing feeling to free fall in my car. I felt weightless. I was thinking, "wow, this car weighs two tons, but right now it feels like a feather." I dropped for about ten seconds.

Luckily the car landed in water. I liked being underwater. I imagined I was in a submarine on the bottom of the ocean. My headlights were still on and I saw a squid. It looked at me like, "what the heck are you doing down here?"

I mouthed, "Can you help me?" The squid nodded and latched its arms to my bumper and pulled me to the surface. I said, "Thanks." The squid had a tear in its eye. I said, "What?" The squid pointed one of its arms to its heart, then back to me. I started to cry and I said, "I love you too."

My Pet Shark

I got a pet shark. I bought it from a local pet store called Thee Fish Bowl. It saw it through the store window and knew I had to have it. The shark is 5 feet, 10 inches long. (Two inches shorter than me. I read it's important to be taller than your pet).

I had to buy a pretty big fish tank. It took about nine hours to fill up. I have a studio apartment and the tank takes up about a third of the space. But it's beautiful to behold. Plus it's nice to have the companionship. Shark's are amazing because their attention is always on you. I know in some ways it's because they want to eat you, but I have a feeling, given the chance, my shark wouldn't eat me.

Concerning the Ticket Requests

Since I let my blog readers know that I'll be the opening act for the Bruce Springsteen 'Working on a Dream' tour, I've been getting a lot of email requests for tickets. I get eight "give away" tickets per show. Four of the tickets are in the security booth. Those are pretty good because you can watch over 32 different screens (six of which are of the actual show). Two of the tickets are front row, but they are for sporting events, generally hockey games. And the last two are for the very back of the hall. But you get a Brooks Palmer's Better Late Than Dead! collector's seat pad.