Solutioned!

My lungs were tired. So I took my lungs out and set them hanging on a tree so they could get a chance to air out.

A pelican came by, took my lungs, and flew away. I couldn't say anything because I wasn't wearing my lungs.

I sat and did nothing until I realized I could substitute my lungs with my vacuum cleaner. I'm now getting more oxygen than ever!

New Place to Sleep

Last night a pack of coyotes came up in through my open bedroom window. They asked me if I wanted to come out for a midnight escapade.

I said yes and out the window we went.

We ran through backyards, across open fields, down empty dark streets.

We caught and ate three rabbits, a dog, and 16 mice.

As the sun came up, they asked me if I would like to be a full time member of their pack and live with them in the Hollywood Hills.

I said I wanted to, but that I would miss my bed too much. So they helped me carry my bed up into the Hills.

A Natural Welcome

There was a mini earthquake and my backyard split open. A diamond the size of a truck jutted out of the hole and displayed itself like a statue.

My dog Rexy went up and peed on the diamond.

A Little Less

I did some clutter busting with Bob Dylan.

He had a pool that he didn't swim in. I asked him if he would let it go. He agreed. We drained the pool and filled it up with dirt.

I asked him if he missed the pool. He asked me, "What pool?"

Different Points of View

I got a job cooking hamburgers at a restaurant. I like the simplicity of flipping burgers.

I used to be President of Bank of America. I liked the simplicity of the limo ride to work. But the job was stressful and made my hair fall out.

My dog Rexy likes my new job because I bring him home a burger after every shift. My family doesn't like my new job because we couldn't afford our mansion and now live in our car.

Last night I had a dream where God said everything has a shiny and smooth side and a dull and scratched side. I asked God if he likes his job. He said it depends on the day.

T. Jefferson

When I was a kid, we took a tour of Monticello, the home of President Thomas Jefferson. I got lost from the tour and wandered into the dumb waiter. That's where I met the ghost of Mr. Jefferson.

I didn't know what a President was yet but I knew he was important, so I asked Mr. Jefferson if he invented chewing gum. He said, no, that was Benjamin Franklin. I said that I hope to one day invent something as great as gum. Thomas Jefferson said that the inventors of simple things like coffee, gum, and toilet paper will never be remembered. I said being well known is a burden because you have to constantly be aware of what you wear and do.

Thomas Jefferson said that it's a small price to pay to be remembered for writing the Declaration of Independence. I said I hadn't read it. I asked him what else he had done. He cleared his throat and quietly said he'd also written a children's book called, Herdie's Brother is a Kumquat. I said I loved that book and had read it over twenty times!

A Nice Surprise

My car broke down. I left it behind and walked into the desert.

Night came and I laid down on the desert floor and fell asleep.

I woke up in the middle of the night to discover an armadillo curled up in a ball and laying against my stomach. I felt its armor plating. I was amazed that it was warm.

Oh

I was mining for gold in Flagstaff when I came across a worm.

The worm said, "What are you doing?"

I said, "I'm looking for gold."

The worm said, "You're off by six inches to the left."

So I dug the six inches and came across the gold mother-load.

I said to the worm, "Thank you so much!!"

The worm said, "You're going to feel differently when I tell you that gold is made from worm poop."

Lonesome No More!

I got a hotel room at a casino in Santa Fe. I laid down but couldn't fall asleep.

So I went downstairs to the casino and bet $100 on roulette. I won $150,000. I got the money in cash and came back to my room.

I arranged the cash in a lengthwise pile on the bed. I laid down on the bed and spooned the cash. I fell asleep in seconds.

Helping Out in Ways I Can

When I heard an asteroid was passing by the Earth, I got in my rocket ship, took off into space, and caught up with the rapidly traveling rock.

I said, "Hey, where are you going?"

The asteroid said, "I'm hungry. I'm looking for a place to stop and eat. Do you have a place you recommend?"

The thing is, I know of a lot of really great places back on the Earth. But our going there would also destroy them.

So I did the next best thing. I gave the rocket ship an egg salad sandwich my wife had packed for me.

Feeding Time

When I was eleven, my parents took me on a tour of the White House. I was a spacey kid and soon got lost from the tour. I was wandering the halls of the White House by myself.

President Nixon stuck his head out of an office. I recognized him from TV. I said hi. He said hello and asked me if I would like to make an easy five dollars. I thought of all the candy that would buy me and I said yes.

I went into the office. There were stacks of paper everywhere. In the midst of it all was a noisy shredding machine hastily being fed papers by sweaty USSR head of state, Leonid Brezhnev. President Nixon said Brezhnev was tired and needed a break. So I took over.

I liked shredding papers. I imagined that the shredder was a robot that was hungry. I thought about how everything needs to eat. At one time the trees that were now this paper, took in nutrients from the ground. That morning I ate a bowl of Capt N' Crunch. President Nixon and Brezhnev were off to the side eating donuts.

The Last Lunch

I had lunch with the Pope. He had a Gruyere melted cheese sandwich. I had a Hungry Man Salisbury Steak TV dinner. The Vatican has everything!

I said, "Did you want to be Pope when you were a boy?"

The Pope said, "No, I wanted to be a fireman."

I said, "It's never too late."

The Pope looked forlornly out the window. I slipped away and pulled the fire alarm. The alarm bell rang. I ran back to the table.

I said, "The building is in flames! Save us!!"

The Pope, in mid-chew, ran towards the balcony and jumped off. I felt badly. But at the same time, I knew he no longer would live with the pain of an unfulfilled life.

A Simple Mistake

The Polar Ice Cap came to visit me yesterday. We went to the zoo together. Then we had had dinner. It was nice to catch up on each others lives. That night the Polar Ice Cap went back to its home up north.

While it was gone, scientists noted the Polar Ice Cap's disappearance and said the waters of the Earth would soon submerge and drown us. There was a great panic. People all over the world grabbed whatever they could carry and climbed to the top of the nearest tree.

I couldn't call anyone and explain what had actually happened because everyone was up in a tree. So I stayed home and took a long nap.

It's Hard to Get Away

I walked through the woods till I came to a pond. I looked into the pond and saw my reflection.

I said, "You look good today."

My reflection said, "Except for these damn ripples!!"

Difficult Memory

When I was a kid we had a pet rhino named Beryl. Beryl lived with us in the house. We treated her as a member of the family. When we ate dinner, Beryl ate dog food out of a trough next to the dinner table. Beryl affectionately laid on all our laps every night as we watched TV.

Sometimes it was my job to walk Beryl. I did my best to reign in Beryl. But something would often make her charge and yank me with her.

The worst time was when she got angry and chased a neighbor's car for two hours. I trailed behind as a flailing kite. When the neighbor stopped to get gas, Beryl plowed into the back of the neighbor's car. I had to apologize. It was an awkward and uncomfortable situation for a three year old.

I was too embarrassed to call my parents from the gas station's payphone. So I climbed on Beryl and road back home. In someways I'm still waiting to get there.