A Friend Visits Me

This morning I woke up in a sweat. My apartment was extremely hot. I thought that either my a.c. stopped working or my home was on fire. But it turns out that the Sun had come to visit me. We are friends from way back and it's always good to see my old friend.

The Sun was sitting on the end of my bed. The Sun said, "Here, these are for you."

The Sun handed me a bucket of ice cubes. I put the bucket upside down on my head and felt better.

I said, "What a nice surprise!"

The Sun said, "You are so funny, we spend everyday together."

I said, "I know, but I like seeing all of you."

The Sun said, "What are you up to today?"

I said, "I was thinking of going to a movie. Would you like to come?"

The Sun said, "What are you going to see?"

I said, "Chimps on the Moon."

The Sun said, "Oh, my God, I've been wanting to see that!"

Now and Later

This morning I had brunch with Lyle, my gopher. I had a bowl of my usual Capt'N Crunch and Lyle had sugar-coated turnips.

I said, "Lyle, we never know what's going to happen in the next moment, but the funny thing is we have strong convictions about the future."

Lyle said, "What's the future?"

I said, "That's the things that will be happening later."

Lyle said, "I don't get it."

I said, "Remember how earlier this morning you woke up, but now you're here? We'll this "here" was the earlier part of the morning's future."

Lyle said, "What?"

I said, "When this wasn't happening, it was the future."

Lyle said, "But this is happening."

I got frustrated, slammed my hand on the breakfast table and said, "Yes, Lyle, but at one time it wasn't. When it wasn't, it was the future!"

We sat in silence for a while.

Lyle said, "What toy was in your Capt' N Crunch box?"

I said, "A compass."

Lyle got excited and said, "Can I have it?"

I gave the compass to Lyle. He put the compass in his mouth and chewed on it for a while.

Buried Here

I ordered my grave-site and tombstone yesterday. I think I'll be around for a while. But it was on sale.

My tombstone says, "He was around for a while. Some people thought he was a tree."

My grave-site is behind the seven-eleven off of Main Street in Evanston. There's an open lot with some weeds. I don't care about the visuals. When you're underground you spend a lot of your time appreciating the dirt. Luckily I'm fascinated with worms. My feeling is that if I were worm, I wouldn't think about what I look like.

Jupiter!

This morning I took my rocket ship and sailed to Jupiter. As I orbited the planet, I couldn't stop looking at its shiny, vibrant colors. I thought, "I will never get tired of this." But then after and hour and a half I got bored and decided to land.

Upon landing on Jupiter's smokey and rocky terrain I was greeted by a group of Jupiterlings. They drew their ray guns and threatened to shoot me. But when they saw me smiling and unarmed they knew that I was okay and they took me out to dinner.

We went to a restaurant called, All Things Bitter and Disgusting. It turns out everything on Jupiter is presented oppressively, but actually they're all pretty nice. I had something that tasted as good as a Twinkie. I was glad because I had forgotten to pack snacks when I left this morning.

A Welcome Change

Last night I accidentally left the freezer open. When I woke up this morning my apartment walls and floor were coated in ice. My hair was frozen. I had an icicle hanging from my nose. The best part was watching my breath form in tiny clouds.

I actually enjoyed it. That was weird for me to notice because I don't care for the low temperatures in winter. People that know me will say that during the winter months I complain a lot and wish for an early spring.

I took advantage of this situation and slid across the floor. Voluntary sliding is the next best feeling to flying. I slid all the way into the kitchen. I woke up my dog. He got up fast and slid into the wall. This shattered the ice that had formed on the living room wall. The sound of breaking ice makes me feel that everything is going to be okay. Except the time when I was six and ice slid off the roof of our house and landed on my head.

Yes!

I went to the pet adoption fair. I looked at the dogs but couldn't find any I connected with. I skipped the cats because of my allergies. But then I found a llama and I felt, "Yes!"

The llama wouldn't fit in my car so I had to walk her home. I brought her into my apartment. She immediately scuffed up the wood floors. Then she started scratching her head on the walls and wore down the paint and put a hole in the dry wall. Then she sat down hard on my bed which collapsed and cracked the floor.

I knew I was saying goodbye to my security deposit. But the heart knows no bounds.

A Change For the Better

This morning I got on my donkey to ride to the town's well and get water for my family.

The donkey said, "Not today. I don't have it in me."

I said, "Okay" and walked the four miles to the well and back.

I poured some water into the donkey's drinking bowl.

The donkey said, "Thanks."

I went inside. I said to my wife, "I"m sorry I took so long. The donkey wasn't feeling well, so I walked."

My wife said, "Oh, I was wondering why you don't smell like donkey. It's nice."

Faith

I was feeling overwhelmed and decided to go to church to pray. It was hard because I don't believe in God. I sat down on a pew and started saying something like, "Um, God, if you were to exist, I would ask you for some help."

A priest came over and said, "My son, we all have our doubts about the Lord and He understands. That's why He's God."

I said, "Really, you have doubts?"

He said, "Of course. But I also have faith."

I said, "Faith means you hope something is true."

He said, "Our hopes are strong."

I said, "But that's like gambling."

He said, "Well, yes, in a way, but still it's a strong feeling."

I said, "One of my friends is a gambling addict. I used to lend her money because she had strong feelings that she would win. But I went broke and stopped funding her."

Washed

This morning I was doing the laundry and I leaned too far over the washer and fell in. I was tossed back and forth with the clothes. I got soap in my eyes. I worried about the bleach getting on my hair.

When the rinse cycle was done I got out of the washer. I noticed how fresh I smelled. I was astonished because I never get this clean when I take a shower!

Stuck!

I got stuck in my tub. Lately I've been eating quite a lot of food. I just can't stop eating candy and butter. In my mind I'm a food connoisseur. I pretend I'm on a TV cooking show. I'm Brooks Blenvenue, the french desert aficionado. I even have an accent.

So, I'm stuck in the tub. I'm afraid to call out to my girlfriend because she'll come in there and see how fat I've become. I make sure the only time I'm naked with her is at night under the covers and I comment on the extra thick rubber sheets.

It Seemed LIke a Good Idea

I had a chessboard made of chocolate. Because I'm hypoglycemic I didn't eat the pieces and was able to play and finish games. But I couldn't play someone who loves and can digest chocolate because they would eat the chocolaty pieces. I had to put an ad on Craigslist for hypoglycemic people who love to play chess.

The thing I discovered is, just because a person can't medically eat something doesn't mean they won't want to. So the few games I played were sullen events, because everyone wanted to eat the chocolate King and Queen and their subjects but didn't because it would have made them feel horrible.

New Roomate!

I got a new roommate. It's been a while since I've had a roommate. I'd gotten so used to living by myself and didn't want to change.

But I was hiking in the desert a week ago and I crossed paths with an armadillo. It's name is Chester. We walked together for a while. Chester said he'd always lived in the desert and never in an enclosed living space. I talked about the benefits of a house, like the rain not falling on your head, and a highly reduced chance of being eaten.

Chester got excited and asked if he could live with me. I asked how he would pay rent. Chester said he did a commercial last year for Bingston radial tires and because his expenses are so low he had quite a lot of money in savings.

Fruit!

Today I was walking along a road in the south of France. A car pulled up next to me. The woman in the car rolled down her window and asked me a question in French. The thing is, I don't speak French.

I took the flight to France a few days ago because I wanted to get away and France seemed like a place to go. Once I arrived in France, I felt like keeping to myself because I couldn't speak the language, and thus I took to walking along the side of the road and eating figs from random fig forests along the freeway.

I shrugged at the driver. She repeated her words. I smiled. She said, "You don't speak French?"

I said, "No."

She said, "Would you like some figs?"

My Place at the Signing

I was at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. Do you know how when you do something in the moment, it doesn't mean that much to you? But later on when you reminisce, that same moment seems important and special. Well...

It was a hot day in Philadelphia. Back then we had to wear a lot of layers. If we showed anything other than our hands and face we were put in the stockades. That's where your hands and feet are locked up in latched-shut boards in public, and you can't even scratch your nose. That happened to me twice, once for sneezing in public, and the other time for thinking bad thoughts of Aaron Burr.

Everyone was lined-up in the big hall, sweating like waterfalls down King George's nervous back. It was an incredibly slow line. Back then we didn't have copies to pass out so everyone could take a look at the same time. Each person went up to the Declaration and read it. Actually they were read to. It was a rare luxury to be literate.

By the time it was my turn, I was so dizzy and impatient that I pretended I could read and I signed and quickly ran out to the muddy street and then up the Ye Old Tavern where I had a warm beer. A beautiful woman sat down next to me. I told her I just signed the Declaration of Independence. She told me she had scurvy and asked if I could make donations towards her repairs.

In retrospect, I feel like I did a good thing that day. Our country was limping by and we needed something to give us a boost of confidence. England didn't see it that way and twice tried hanging me. Luckily, back then the workmanship in rope was generally shoddy and seldom supported more than five pounds. As a recompense, I had to say I was sorry for what I did, and that I would do my best not to do it again.

Making Things Better

I was laying out on my hammock when a crow flew across my deck and landed on my chest. I opened my eyes and saw the crow's beady eyes looking into mine. Normally I'm a big fan of birds. Last week I let my niece's canary sit on my head and I didn't get mad and shove it off when it pooped on me.

But this crow was disturbing my afternoon take it easy.

I said, "What?"

The crow said, "You're on my hammock."

I said, "Perhaps yours looks like mine and you're mistaken."

The crow said, "I'm never wrong."

I said, "I used to think that way, and it turns out I was wrong."

The crow said, "I'm gonna peck out your eye."

I said, "Seriously, are you hungry? Is that the problem?"

The crow sighed and said, "...I lost my baby blue hat. It flew off in the wind earlier and I've been in a bad state since."

I said, "Where did you lose your hat?"

The crow told me and we went there to look for it. After about a half hour I found it. The crow was so happy. It put it's baby blue hat on and was singing up a storm. It even imitated a robin!!