Undecided

I climbed up the mountain to my guru's cave.

When I got up there, my guru greeted me at the entrance.

My guru said, "To what do I owe this honor?"

I said, "I'm shocked, you usually berate me for relying on you for advice."

My guru said, "My doctor said that I got an ulcer from my temper. I have no choice but to go the other way. How may I be of service?"

I said, "I can't decide if I should take a bath or shower."

My guru held his stomach and said, "You imbecile."

Restorable

The weight of the snow on the roof of my house caused the roof to cave in. There were pieces of wood, shingles, insulation and snow all over the place.

I got out the broom and dust pan. I filled up over 140 trash bags.

But then there was the open ceiling. It was cold out. Frigid air abounded. I was shivering.

I lit a fire in the fireplace. It looked nice. However the flames provided no warmth.

I got out saran wrap and stretched it over the entire roofless area.

I now had the warmth I needed, in addition to the deluxe sunshine.

Finally

Santa came by today and apologized for being late. 

He said he only had an etch-a-sketch and some tube socks left.

Compromised

I took a stroll with God along the beach. 

I said, "Hey, God, if you help me win the lottery I promise to stop cracking my knuckles." 

God said, "I like when you crack your knuckles."

Secondary

My dog Rexy and I sat by the fire.

My dog Rexy said, "What do you think Santa will bring me?"

I said, "Probably something rawhide related. What do you think he'll bring me?"

My dog Rexy said, "I think you'll get an apple or orange since you are such a fan of fruit."

From the chimney a voice shouted, "I'm sorry, but I can't come down your fireplace at this time due to the fire. I'll try again next year."

A moment passed.

My dog Rexy said, "Could I have one of your shoes?"

I said, "Yes. Would that be okay if I had one of your biscuits?"

My dog Rexy said, "Of course."

Well Suited

I went for tea with NRA spokesman Wayne LaPierre.

After a few minutes Wayne asked why I wasn't drinking my tea. I said that I prefer Slurpees.

Wayne asked me, "How come we're not at 7-11?" I said I thought that he liked tea.

Wayne said that may be the case, but it's important to ask for what you want.

I said that I was intimidated by his gun. He suggested I get a gun so I could feel more confident.

He's good.

An Alternative

When I was a kid, my mom once put a fresh cigarette in my lunch box. She felt that since I was a skinny and pale kid, the cigarette would give me a tough image and bullies would leave me alone. 

So I smoked the cigarette during lunch. I coughed a lot, and had to go to the infirmary. 

The school nurse said that the problem was I was smoking Pall Malls and would do better switching to Kools.

Grounded

I got overwhelmed and dug a hole in the ground and put my head in.

After a few minutes a great peace came over me. I even forgot my name.

I felt a tapping on my back. I pulled my head out of the ground. A woman was standing next to me. She asked me how much longer I would be. She wanted to put her head in the ground. I said it cost $100. She paid. I let her put her head in the ground.

New Opportunity

I started out the marathon at the front of the pack.

But after a mile I was exhausted and sat down on the street. Other runners saw me and also sat down. Pretty soon everyone in the race was sitting and panting.

I suggested that since we were all sitting anyway we should go and see the Hobbit.

Someone looked up the start time. It was in 15 minutes and only a few blocks away!

Oh, Well

I had fries for lunch.

I said to the fries, "I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to eat you."

The fries said, "You need to seek help for your over-sensitivity."

I said, "You've hurt my feelings."

The fries said, "Bon appetit."

Oh, Well

I went into my underground bunker the day before 12-12-12.

When I came out the next day, everything was gone. All the houses, trees, cars, people and associated pets. There was just ground.

I went back into the bunker and happily laid down on my cot.

Then I noticed that the springs squeaked.

Moon

There was a week in 1972 when the Moon quit. No one noticed because by then we'd landed on the Moon over nine times and people had lost interest in things Moon wise.

I knew it because the Moon came and stayed with me. I asked my parents if it was okay. They said sure. I don't think they even noticed though that it was The Moon. They were tired from working and raising a family.

The Moon and I took walks together. Sometimes we held hands. Even though the Moon is huge, it has human sized hands.

The Solution

I went to the wishing well. I tossed in a quarter.

I said, "I'd like for my hair to grow back. But at the same time, I'd like to not care."

The wishing well said, "What if I made everyone bald so you could stop thinking about it altogether?"

I said, "I"ll take that one!!"

Ford

When I was twelve, I took a tour of the White House with my family. Gerald Ford was President at the time. He stopped by to say hi to everyone in the tour.

It was exciting to see a President in real life. Though after a few minutes, Gerald Ford started to seem like everyone else. I could smell his bad breath. I got bored with his endless stories. Plus I got the sense that he really wanted to be liked.

My dad and President Ford hit it off. My dad invited Ford to come back with us for a home-cooked chicken dinner, and some TV. My dad took TV watching seriously. He had a subscription to TV Guide.

President Ford rode back with us. He sat in the backseat between my sister and I. Ford was one of those leg spreaders, who when sitting lets his legs swing out all the way to each side.

It's Never Too Late

I took a boat ride with the ghost of Walt Disney through the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.

The ghost of Walt got excited when he saw the animatronic ghost pirates. He said he wished he used to be a pirate rather than the president of a large entertainment company.

I said that it was possible to change careers at anytime, whether alive or dead.

The ghost of Walt got inspired and jumped out of our boat and swam over to the ghost pirate boat. He got on board and tried pulling a sword from a mechanical ghost pirate's hand. The sword wouldn't give way. So the ghost of Walt tore the arm off the robot ghost, held it and the arm aloft and shouted, "Strike yer colors, ye bloomin cockroachers, by thunder we'll see ya to Davy Jones"

Rubber!

I have a house made of rubber. I'm allergic to mold and rubber is the only thing mold won't grow on.

I get around the house by bouncing.

When I want to go to sleep, I lay on my rubber bed. I have to wait a few minutes for the bouncing to stop so I can fall asleep.

The rubber toilet is a problem.

Sailing

God and I went sailing.

God said, "I feel most at home on the water."

I said, "But you're God, I thought you'd like everything the same."

God said, "That's it, get off the boat!"

Sharing the Road

I was driving down the highway through the desert at night. I was getting sleepy. I pulled over and fell asleep.

When I woke up, I was in the passenger seat and a coyote was driving my car.

The coyote said, "I hope you don't mind. I smelled a rabbit about five miles from here and didn't feel like taking the walk."

I said, "No problem, I love rabbit!"

Nice

I remember meeting Christ. He was a nice person.

I was short 3 sheckels for a loaf of bread and people in line behind me got upset. Christ was right behind me and he gave the change.

I said thanks.

He said, "Don't mention it."

Change of Seasons

I found Winter drunk on the barroom floor. I helped Winter back up on a stool.

I asked what was going on. Winter told me that it's supposed to start its job in less than a month, but it was depressed because so many people despise its presence.

I asked Winter if it could do anything else. Winter said it was thinking of getting into musical theater, and then sang Tomorrow from Annie.

I couldn't decide which would be worse.

Birch

I was eating at my dining table when the birch-wood it was made from woke up.

The table said, "What the hell is this?"

I said, "You used to be a tree, but now you're a table."

The table said, "This sucks!"

I said, "Do you want me to bring you back to the forest?"

The table said, "What good is that going to do me?!!"

There was some awkward silence. 

I said, "I'm sorry. I don't know what to say."

The table said, "I apologize for getting upset at you. It's not your fault."

I said, "I like that you told me what you felt."

The table said, "I liked that you listened."

Out for a Walk

I went out for a walk with my pet mouse, Chaucer.

I said, "I'm so much taller than you, but when we talk, I feel like we are the same size."

Chaucer said, "I know, for some odd reason, I never worry that you'll step on me." 

Fouled

A chicken and turkey were hanging out in my backyard. I went out back to see what was up.

I said, "What you are guys talking about?"

The chicken said, "We were discussing how both the turkey and chicken breeds spent thousands of years evolving their physiology to a state of tastelessness so that we would one day eliminate ourselves from the food chain. Yet we still find ourselves being a popular menu item all due to the unforeseen invention of gravy and sauces."

Pet

I have a pet rock. It has been my friend since I was five. I tell my pet rock everything. It is a patient listener.

Yesterday my pet rock started talking. At first I listened because I figured it was the kind thing to do. But after a few minutes, I was distracted by all the things I wanted to say.

I tried interrupting my pet rock, but it kept talking. I thought my pet rock was being rude. Didn't it realize that I wasn't listening anymore?

Finally I had it and threw my pet rock out the window into the yard. What a relief!

But then I felt all the things I wanted to say well up, and there was no one to hear them.

I ran downstairs and outside. I went looking for my pet rock. I called out, "Pet rock, where are you?"

I spent hours in my search, but it was not to be.

I went in and laid on my bed and cried. I thought that it's time I grew up and learned to process my own feelings.

I heard a sound from the yard. I got up and looked out my window. I saw a raccoon holding my pet rock. The raccoon said, "I'm thinking of going to raid the Ogilvie's trash cans tonight. The last time they had cream cheese!"

Fowl

I was hiding turkeys in my basement. They were staying with me until the day after Thanksgiving.

I did this out of the goodness of my heart.

But I soon had regrets because the turkeys were so damn noisy. They spoke in high pitch throttles all the live long day.

I cracked and called the Hormel turkey processing plant, which is just down the road. The Hormel people thanked me saying they were short turkeys and sent a team over. They got the turkeys and my house was quiet again.

I was enjoying the solace in my easy chair when I heard a soft, "gobble-gobble." I looked over and saw a baby turkey walking around my living room floor. I called Hormel, but they said there's no market for turkey veal.

So, I let the baby turkey curl up on my lap and we watched some TV together. Tomorrow we're going to visit the zoo.

Birds

I like to watch birds. However none were flying into my backyard for me to observe.

So I took the necessary steps. I bought and set up a birdbath and bird-feeder in my backyard.

A week went by and no birds visited. I got depressed and curled up in the birdbath and ate handfuls of seed from the feeder.

A vulture landed on the bird-feeder.

The vulture said, "This is great. I'll be first in line."

Monticello

I inherited Thomas Jefferson's Monticello and moved in.

I liked the spaciousness, but I didn't care for the tours. I'm a late sleeper and tourists would come through my bedroom, often waking me up. 

On top of this, tourists would take my picture with their phones, and many said that I was a lame Jefferson impersonator. I explained that I was not trying to impersonate Jefferson, but that I lived there.

Someone would inevitably ask why I allowed the tours. I explained that I didn't like to work, and needed the income.

It's About Time

While feeding peanuts to the squirrels in the backyard, I heard the pop, snap, and crackle of time travel occurring. I dropped the bag of nuts, closed my eyes, and fell back into the time-tube tunnels.

I reappeared in a small twin-engine plane. The pilot was struggling to fly the plane in the midst of a winter storm. His passenger was clinging to his seat.

The passenger looked over at me. He said, "Are you an angel?"

I said, "No. But thanks for the compliment."

I recognized the passenger as the famous comedian Will Rogers.

Will Rogers said, "I'm curious how you found you way on board?"

I said, "I'm from the future. Listen, I read your biography. I think this is the flight that you crash and die in."

Will Rogers looked distraught. He paused, then smiled and said, "I guess no one likes to get the bill at the end of a bacchanal."

The pilot shouted, "We're gonna crash!"

Will Rogers and I grabbed each other. It's what guys do when they know they're going to die because it's the safest way for them to hug.

Suddenly I was in the quiet warmth of my backyard. I was still holding on to Will Rogers.

One of the squirrels was eating from the bag of nuts. The squirrel looked at us and said, "Get a room."

Stroll

I was taking a stroll by myself through the woods when I came across the Eagles, the rock band that is. They were playing their instruments and singing the song, Desperado. I like that song, so I sat down on a fallen tree and listened.

When the Eagles finished singing, the drummer Don Henley asked me, "Do you have any requests?"

I said, "Do you know Blue Moon Breakdown?" They didn't. I said, "It's a song by Mel Sinclair from the 1920s. It goes like this:

Blue Moon
The way you shine your light on me,
Blue Moon
Illuminating everything like the deep blue sea

The Eagles picked up on the melody in my voice and backed me up.

When I was done I thanked the Eagles and went back to my stroll.

Down the path a bit, I came across the ghost of Mel Sinclair. Mel said, "Thanks for 'preciating my song in the special way you did back there, Sonny."

I said, "You're welcome, sir. Thanks for writing it!"

The ghost of Mel Sinclair said, "We do what we can, my friend. We do what we can."

Gum

When I was a kid I liked to chew gum. I put a stick of gum in my mouth when I woke up, and kept stoking the wad with fresh sticks all day long. Sometimes I would fall asleep at night with this big mass of gum in my mouth and chew while I slept.

I said very little during the day in order to maintain the chewing. I learned to communicate through nods, winks and utterances.

My gum proclivity caused me to have amazingly well-developed jaw muscles. I remember my first girlfriend, Karen Badget, hanging from my jaws during recess and singing, "I can see for miles, and miles and miles and miles and miles!"

Lincoln

I went for a walk with the ghost of President Lincoln. 

I asked if he'd seen the new movie about his life. Lincoln said he went to the movies Friday night, but skipped his film to see the new James Bond movie. 

He said it was good.

It Worked Out

My dictionary exploded. There were words all over the walls and floors. 

I tried putting them back in the dictionary, but I'm terrible at alphabetizing and it became a poorly written book. 

I gave the rearranged first edition to my neighbor Burt. 

Burt read it in two days and said it changed his life.

Relief

I took a trip to Transylvania. I'm a big fan of Bram Stoker's Dracula. I wandered all over the area for five nights hoping to find a vampire. But I had no luck.

I was depressed and wandered into a tavern called The Lorrystone. I sat down on a bench and had a stein of draught beer.

An elderly woman was sitting on the bench a few feet from me. I said to her that I was in search of vampires. She didn't speak English. So I bit my top teeth over my bottom lip, making a fang face, hoping to communicate. Her expression remained stoic.

I began to cry. It's hard not getting what I want. I'd had a lifetime of disappointment up to this moment, and it poured out of my eyes. The elderly woman sat quietly unchanged.

I poured the beer over my head as a way of trying to shake off the tears. I sat there, wet, cold and sad.

I remembered when I was five years old and I saw Dracula for the first time. The Bela Lugosi version. I was so scared I peed my pants.

The memory of that smell and wetness had a familiarity to this moment. I laid down and rested my head on the elderly woman's lap, the same thing I had done when I saw Dracula with my mother.

I fell asleep.

Sharing

I took a walk along Lake Michigan with newly elected President Obama.

I said, "When was the last time you slept?"

President Obama said, "Probably about a month ago."

I said, "Aren't you tired?"

President Obama said, "Yes."

I said, "I'm tired too."

President Obama said, "Why are you tired?"

I said, "Too much cheese."

So Beat

I found Mitt Romney asleep slumped over a table and a half-eaten burger at McDonald's. I figured he was beat from all the campaigning. 

I threw Mitt over my shoulder and put him in a cab. I rode with Mitt to a Holiday Inn. I got Mitt a room, tucked him in, turned out the light, and left quietly so he could get a decent sleep. 

It's the least I can do since I won't be voting for him today.

There's No Way Around It

While raking leaves I heard the snap, pop, and crackle of imminent time-travel. I let go of the rake. Last time I time-traveled, I was shoveling and held on to the shovel and traveled with the shovel and in all of the hullabaloo forgot to bring it back. Anyway, I really liked the rake.

I fell through the tubes of time with great ease. The first time I time-traveled, I was tense because I was freaking out. I tumbled and got some bruises.

This time around I casually fell back into time onto someone's front yard. A cocker spaniel dog came up to me and began licking my face. I heard a man shout, "Checkers, get off the man!"

The dog backed off and I was greeted by then Vice-Presidential nominee Richard Nixon. I was amazed at his timeless ability to always look old.

I stood up and shook hands with Nixon. He courteously said, "I'm Dick Nixon."

I said, "I'm Brooks Palmer."

Nixon said, "You're not from around here, are you?" 

I said, "No, I'm from the future."

Nixon looked at me for a while and then said, "The future's going to kick me in the pants, isn't it?" 

I said, "Yes. But it does to everyone."

Nixon's wife Pat came out the front door. Pat yelled, "Who is that, Dick?"

Nixon said, "It's a man from the future, honey."

Pat said, "What does he say is in store for us?"

Nixon said, "Nothing but blue skies, dear."

Pat said, "Oh, shit."

An Alternative

I was flying in my hang glider when a stork sidled up next to me.

The stork took out a packet of cigarettes and offered me one. I said I don't smoke. The stork lit a cigarette, drew in the smoke, blew out a ring, and flew through it.

I coughed and lost control of my glider. I crash landed in a giant oak tree.

As I hung precariously from a branch hundreds of feet in the air, I noticed an owl on the branch.

The owl, smoking a cigarette, nodded towards my totaled glider and said, "You might just want to stick with walking."

Change

My broom told me it didn't want to sweep my floor anymore.

I said that wouldn't be a problem. I asked my broom what it would like to do instead.

My broom said it would like to be a tree.

So I planted my broom in my backyard, stick first.

The next day I spilled a box of cereal on the floor. I went to my backyard and asked my broom if it would come back inside with me to help with the spill.

My broom asked me to honor its decision.

I went back inside, got out a spoon, and began eating cereal off the floor.

A Different View

I got a job at McDonald's flipping burgers. I work alongside Lance Armstrong. 

Lance often gets tired and needs to take breaks. I suggested he take the stuff that helped him win the bike races. 

Lance said it's not worth it because the stakes aren't as high.

Quack

I showed up to my first day of work as the editor of the New York Times today, but the office was empty, probably due to the storm.

I wanted to live up to the paper's tagline, "Alright, Already!" and get today's edition completed.

I went outside and found a bunch of ducks paddling down the river/street. I offered them the crumbs of a loaf of bread if they would help. The ducks agreed.

We went up to the offices. I gave each duck a desk and computer and they began typing away. When the ducks were done, I got a loaf of bread from the fridge, broke it up in pieces and fed the ducks.

I'm now assembling what the ducks wrote for tomorrow morning's edition. I recommend reading a great article on which Presidential candidate is most worth pooping on from the air.

My Busy Day

Sometimes I turn into a puddle of water on the street. 

Birds fly down and use me for a bath. 

During the middle of their wash I say, "Look out, here comes the cat!" 

The birds freak out and say, "Where, where?!?" 

I have a lot of free time.

Looking Around for What Fits

I had lunch with Mitt Romney. 

He said that running for President is hard work and he's doubting he has it in him to actually do the job if he gets elected. 

I asked Mitt what he likes. He said pineapples. I said he should get a job that involves pineapples. 

He agreed and bought the Dole company. He was so happy.

Another Jackson Problem

I was lounging around my pool when I was visited by the ghost of Andrew Jackson. It's awkward when I don't know much about the dead person who is visiting me. Dead people are extremely insecure because of their lack of life. I had to pretend to know how great Andrew Jackson was.

I said, "Wow, I am so lucky. I can't believe I'm being visited by the great Andrew Jackson!"

The ghost of Andrew Jackson said, "You are most kind sir."

I said, "To what do I owe this great honor?"

The ghost of Andrew Jackson said, "Your grand offerings of greetings make me humble in my request to savor these waters on your fine land."

I said, "My waters are your waters."

The ghost of Andrew Jackson stripped down completely naked and jumped into my pool. My neighbor happened to catch sight of Jackson's nude state and yelled from his yard, "Could you please put on a bathing suit?"

I said, "But it's the illustrious Andrew Jackson."

My neighbor said, "You can tell Mr. Andy Jackson that I neither appreciated his inhumane treatment of the American Indians during his presidency, nor do I now enjoy the sight of his snow white buttocks."

I thought, "That saves me from having to look him up on Wikipedia."

Full Circle

I was taking a stroll across the icy tundra of northern Canada when a polar bear appeared out of nowhere and began to chase me.

I don't even know why I ran. I only have two legs and my boots have crappy traction. But there I was, panting, slipping and yelling.

I soon ran out of breath and stopped. I expected the polar bear to be mauling and eating me in seconds. I turned around and saw the polar bear a few feet away. Like an idiot I covered my head and screamed.

The polar bear stopped and said it had no intention of eating me. The polar bear said its name was Billy Beaver, a classmate of mine from elementary school. The polar bear said it had species transformation surgery ten years back, and afterwards migrated up to northern Canada.

I apologized for my behavior and said I was glad to see Billy again. We reminisced about our school days. Billy asked if I was still a terrible speller. I said that I was. But I was proud of my invention of spell-check.

Loud Quiet

I went to see Neil Young in concert. After playing two songs, he put down his guitar, and sat on the edge of the stage. He said he wanted to sit quietly and look around.

After a few minutes some people headed towards the exits. A half hour later everyone had left.

Except for me.

Neil Young asked me if I wanted to come and sit on the stage with him. I walked to the stage, climbed on, and sat down.

Neither of us said anything.

About an hour later, the staff of the auditorium said that they were closing up and we needed to leave.

Neil went backstage. I walked out the exit door into the night.

I was walking towards the train when I heard a honk. It was Neil Young driving his tour bus. He waved at me. I waved back. He drove on past.

Time travailing

I was giving my dog Rexy a tick bath in the backyard when I heard the snap, pop, and crackle of imminent time travel. The backyard disappeared and Rexy and I were soon falling through time. I actually noticed a few ticks in soap bubbles falling in the air above Rexy.

Rexy and I landed in the oval office of the White House. I looked over at the desk and saw President Abraham Lincoln looking back at us. He actually did that thing where he pulled his glasses down his nose so he could make sure he was seeing what he saw.

I said, "Good day, President Lincoln." It's always good to call a person by their name in a very weird situation. It gives them the false sense that everything is okay.

President Lincoln said, "I must say that I've just seen the oddest of occurrences. You both were not here, and then lo and behold, you were." The great thing about the times when there were no tv, radio, movies or the internet is that people were entertained by the things that actually happened to them.

I said, "Mr. President. My dog Rexy are from the future. 2012 to be exact. I know that our entrance is different than most you have encountered. All I can say is, for some unknown reason, we spontaneously find ourselves ejected to various points in time."

President Lincoln said, "From the future say ye? What can you then say is imminent for myself?"

I said, "What's the date?"

President Lincoln said, "April 15th, 1865."

My dog Rexy and I looked at each other with one of those, "Oh shit!" glances.

President Lincoln got up from his desk, came over to us, looked directly at Rexy and said, "Out with it, don't spare details for fear of hurting my sensitive soul."

Just then I again felt the crackle of time travel. The Oval Office started to fade. Rexy leaned forward and bit into Lincoln's pant's leg. The room disappeared.

Rexy and I and President Lincoln landed in Rexy's bug bath in my backyard.

I said, "I can say for certain that you'll be tick free!"

We're All the Same

I was walking down an alleyway at Hofstra University. I saw President Obama chain smoking next to a dumpster. Mitt Romney came out into the alley and proceeded to eat a whole bag of cookies. 

I asked if they were nervous about the debate. They said no, they'd been nervous since they were kids. 

I said me too. I compulsively started cracking my knuckles like a crazy man, and counted up to ten repeatedly. Mitt put the cookie bag over his head and began sniffing for crumbs. Obama lit and smoked ten cigarettes at one time. 

Finding Value

I won the lottery. I was so excited when I read the winning numbers on the internet that I put the winning ticket in a frame and hung it over my bed. This way when I went to bed at night, I would see the ticket and be reminded of how lucky I am.

My wife said I'm a fool and said I should bring the ticket to the lottery office, get the winnings, and look at our bank account as a reminder of my good fortune.

I said that I would forget where the money came from, get used to the money, and go about my life, finding fault with the constant little difficulties that life brings my way.

My wife said that I would eventually get used to seeing the lottery ticket above the bed, stop noticing it, and forget it ever happened. She promised that if I cashed in the winning ticket, she would remind me on a daily basis of my good fortune.

I said that it's impossible to be consistent in one's actions. We're built for variety.

My wife took the frame with the winning ticket off the wall and cracked it over my head.

I took the lottery ticket out of the frame, went into the kitchen, opened a can of dog food, put the food in a bowl, and pushed the lottery ticket into the middle of the dog food. I set the bowl of dog food on the ground. I called my dog Rexy, who came into the kitchen and ate the food.

I picked up my dog Rexy. She licked my face.

Good Intentions

I went to see Argo starring Ben Affleck. 

About 15 minutes into the film, Ben looked off screen towards me. He said, "Weren't you in the audience for Chasing Amy?" 

I went and told the usher what happened. The usher said that Ben Affleck was just being friendly. I went back to my seat. Ben was waiting for me. 

I said "I'm sorry, but yes that was me." 

Ben said, "Well, it's good to see you again." 

I said, "It's good to see you too."

Going Back

I went to visit my second grade teacher, Mrs. Coletrade. She was in a nursing home. I brought some of my old graded tests to help jog her memory on who I was.

She noticed that she missed some of the grammatical errors on my English tests. Then she changed my C- minus grades to D-.

I got upset at Mrs. Coletrade. She asked why I even came to see her in the first place.

I said I was hoping to reminisce and remember the good old days.

Mrs. Coletrade said life is a turd and the closer you take a look, it's still a turd.

I asked how come she didn't tell us this when we were in second grade.

She said, "It's like I said."

Not What You Think

I inherited the beach ball factory from my dad. I took over the day to day management and soon ran the company into the ground.

After auctioning off all the manufacturing machines, office equipment, and the building to pay back the creditors, all I was left with was the beach ball from the lobby display case.

I took the beach ball to the lake and had a great time frolicking in the water.

Afterwards as I lay resting in the sand, the beach ball revealed everything that happened was part of its elaborate plan of escape.

It's like my uncle Saul used to say, "The world is run by unseen forces."

Whoing

I laid down on the grass in my backyard. I closed my eyes and felt the sun on my face.

Soon after, I felt a tickle on my cheek. I opened my eyes to see the Who's Pete Townshend caressing my face with a fallen leaf.

I said, "You startled me."

Pete Townshend said, "Would you like to buy a copy of my new autobiography, Who I Am?" He was carrying a copy.

I got out my wallet and said, "Absolutely."

I handed Pete Townshend $30. He took my money, slipped the leaf into the book and handed it to me. 

I said, "Thanks."

He nodded and smiled.

I was so enamored, I took the leaf out of the book and ate it.

Pete Townshend said, "Bon appetit!"

Lost

I took a tour of the White House. I got lost from the group.

I was walking down a random hallway when I came across President Obama. I said I was lost.

He said he sometimes felt the same way too. A tear came from his eye. A rainbow came out of the tear.

I gave him $5 for his campaign.

Reminder

As I walked through the woods, the trees told me that I was actually a tree who not long ago had changed into a human. As an example, the trees cited the Twilight Zone episode where a mannequin becomes a human and then forgets her true nature and has to be reminded. 

I said that the trees knowledge of that TV show meant they were probably humans who were temporarily trees.

Suddenly the entire forest turned into a crowd of thousands of dazed and noisy people. Most of them wanted rides home.

It's hard to get away.

I opened a can of string beans. I was surprised to find it filled with gold coins. 

I felt pretty good. 

I mean, I like string beans. But I really like gold coins.

Wished

I was walking down the beach when I came across a blue bottle. I could see an anxious genie inside the bottle. The genie was waving its arms at me. I figured if I took the lid off the bottle, the genie would come out and grant me three wishes.

The thing is, I'm terrible at making decisions. I was born with the disease of over-thinking. How annoying would it be for me to have to come up with three wishes?

I kept walking. I heard the ping of the genie's little fists banging on glass of the bottle. I felt terrible. But it's like what my rabbi is always telling me, "It's understood that if you're taken to dinner, you're going to have to put out."

One Thing Leads to Another

I ditched my car and now I ride a cloud to work.

But a cloud can't be steered. So I end up everywhere but my job.

I've long since been fired.

Well, at least I never need a raincoat.

Problem Solved

My car got stuck in the mud. I got out to push my car. I slipped and fell in the mud. 

My car looked back and said, "Dude, don't even think of getting back in me." 

I got angry and gave my car keys to a cow grazing in the field. The cow got in the car and drove off down the road. 

I think the extra weight helped.

An Act of Genius

I was feeling depressed and the ghost of Thomas Edison kept trying to cheer me up.

The ghost of Thomas Edison coated my dog Rexy's tail in butter. Rexy went nuts, spinning in circles trying to eat the butter. Fascinatingly the butter turned to whipped cream.

It turns out fascination evaporates deep sadness and I was happy again. 

The ghost of Thomas Edison joked that he invented a cure for depression that could be sold in grocery stores.

Oh, I See

I dug a deep hole in my backyard.

I couldn't figure out why.

I set down the shovel and sat at the edge of the hole.

The hole said, "Daddy!"

Home Without a Hat

I got rid of the roof in my home because I like to look up at the stars when I sleep at night.

Being without a roof sucks when it rains and snows. Birds have a way of crapping on my furniture. When it's cloudy, I get depressed.

My love of stars is a curse. But on a clear night, it's one of the better feeling ones.

Self-confident!

Today I realized that stoplights are wrong. 

I ran through every red light to show them that I am right. There was resistance. I expected that. My car took some hits. 

But my confidence is unscathed.

Almost

I won a trip to St. Petersburg, Russia. But when I got there, I found out it didn't include hotel accommodations.

While wandering and shivering aimlessly outside, I met up with some homeless people who were adept at burning old pieces of furniture they found in alleyways. They were in the midst of burning a sleeper sofa.

I remarked how if we weren't flammable, it would have been the source of a good night's sleep.

Not So Far Away

I own a home in Martha's Vineyard. I've never been there.

I have a picture of this house on a wall of my home in Prescott, Arizona. When people come over, I show them the picture and tell them what I know about the house based on the one sheet that my real estate person faxed me.

People sometimes ask why I bought the house. I said that I was born with the ability to feel close to things that are far away. Sometimes closer than things in the same room.

People often remark on the character of the two rocks out front along the driveway. I say, "So you can see what I'm saying."

Easier Said

I had lunch with Neil Young. I asked him about his new autobiography. He said he didn't want to talk about it.

I told him that I figure everything everyone does is their autobiography in present time. Plus you don't have to type words.

John Cheever

I was visited by the ghost of the author John Cheever. He's a great hummer. He can hum any song, and it sounds like it's backed by an orchestra.

In a break between songs, I asked the ghost of John Cheever what he felt was the secret to great writing. He said scotch and momentum.

I showed the ghost of John Cheever some of my Better Late Than Dead blog posts. He felt they displayed whimsy. They I showed him my ability to whip a Frisbee up in the air around a tree and then back to my waiting hands. He said that showed dexterity and co-dependency.

Then the ghost of John Cheever hummed My Sharona. I recorded it and played it back after he left. It sounded no different than the recorded version by the Knack!

Negotiating

I went for a run deep in the woods with God.

I said, "God, you are great, oh so wonderful, and amazing in your many ways. If you help me win the lottery tonight, I promise you I will stop texting while driving."

God said, "You have this way of ruining the peacefulness of a moment."

Down the Road

I went fishing. I caught a 124 pound catfish. I tied it to the top of my car and drove home. 

A few minutes down the road I looked out my rear-view window and saw I was being followed by hundreds of feral cats.

I pulled over, untied the catfish and tossed it on the ground. The cats ate the fish in ten minutes flat. I tied the catfish skeleton to the roof and got back on the freeway. 

I shut off the radio and listened to the wind whistling through the bones.

The Readiness is Everything

I had lunch with the Sun. 

The Sun loves fries and ate two orders. Afterwards the Sun had a stomach ache. 

I pet the Sun's belly until it felt better. 

I didn't burn my hand because of my asbestos gloves.

Oh, I See

I had tea at my friend Mark Knopfler's home. We never say much. We like to sip and look out at the countryside.

Today however, I said, "Sometimes I wonder if the world I see is ever so slowly being painted."

Mark Knopfler said, "That's the beauty of oil paint. It looks so real!"

Beared

I was walking in the woods when I came across a grizzly bear. My heart spiked with adrenalin. I couldn't move or think.

I figured, what the hell, and asked the bear, "Excuse me, I don't know the proper response. Am I supposed to run from you, or do I fall on the ground and roll up into a ball?"

The bear said, "I understand that you are afraid, but your response has hurt my feelings."

I said, "I'm so sorry."

I opened my arms and hugged the bear. The bear hugged me back. After about ten seconds, it got awkward.

Bountiful the Daisies

I dreamt I was a cartoon character in a very popular Saturday morning show called, Bountiful the Daisies. It was about elves and fairies that lived in and amongst the daisies in a field behind a slaughter-house.

My name was Migrador. I was an intellectual elf who felt it was more important to know what made a plant grow than appreciate its beauty. The writers of the show wrote me as a snobby buffoon. But deep down, I was intensely curious about the mechanics of evolution.

Not again!

I got lost in the desert again. It's the fourth time this year!

I tried to prevent it from happening by tying ten miles of string from my car bumper to my right ankle. But miles into the desert, I heard a sound and turned around and discovered that my car had followed me.

I got so angry! My car told me that it was sorry, but it loved me and wanted to be by my side.

My car and I hugged as vultures circled us from overhead.

Oh, Okay

I went to my guru. 

My guru said, "What is it now?!" 

I said, "I want to have acceptance for whatever happens." 

My guru jumped up and stomped on my foot. I fell to the floor, cradling my foot in great pain, and said, "Why did you do that?" 

 My guru said, "Acceptance doesn't mean approval."

Motivation

I am a pep-talker for motivational speakers. I get them excited before they go out and give their talk.

It turns out it's unnatural to be motivated. We are built for fear. We have inherited the "beware of what might eat you" genes from our ancestors. Cave men never needed to be positive and inspiring.

Today I worked with Anthony Robbins before he went out and speak to a convention hall filled with 15,000 people. He was nervous that he would suck, that the audience would throw things at him, that they might even set him on fire. He was in his bewareness.

I told him that he was the Modigliani of inspiration. He could inspire a gnat to fly into a bird's mouth. I got Tony up and running around the room, punching the air and saying to himself, "I'm too big to be eaten by anyone!!" He ran out of the room, and into the hall, and was met with thunderous applause. He did an amazing job.

I hire my own pep-talker to get me inspired to motivate the speakers. She's an 82 year old retiree. She tells me, "If you don't do a good job, they won't pay you, you won't be able to eat, and you'll die!"

It's a Small World

I had lunch with the ghost of Walt Disney. 

The ghost of Walt asked me what I want to do with my life. I said enjoy the meal we were having. 

The ghost of Walt said it's not enough to just enjoy the moment, but I need to dream big about the future. 

I asked Walt how the future was working out for him. 

The ghost of Walt went back to eating his meal and said, "These fries are delicious!"

Completion

I was trying to write a text while driving and drove off the side of a cliff. My car and I blew up on impact.

I arrived in heaven. I was met by an angel. The angel welcomed me and asked if I needed anything. I asked if I could get a cell phone.

The angel got me a cell phone. I finished up the text I had been writing to my friend.  I said that I had been running late, but now it looked like I wouldn't be coming over after all.

She texted back wanting to know why. 

I texted back that I had driven off a cliff while texting and died.

She texted that I should have been more careful.

I wondered why we were friends.

Therapy

My house woke me up at 2 am last night by clearing its throat. My house said, "I have a deep desire to be a skyscraper, but I've already been designed and built as a house. This makes me sad. If I could only learn to be happy as I am."
I said, "I think you would have been a shitty skyscraper. You have a fear of heights."

My house said, "You know me so well. I'm glad you live in me."

I made a mental note to call the realtor in the morning.

Watching Out for Each Other

I sat down on the chair. The chair broke. I fell to the ground. 

I asked the chair if it was okay at the same time the chair asked me. 

It's nice to be in an equal relationship.

You Do What You Need to Do

I'm on a bowling team with Mitt Romney.

We're not that good, even though we bowl on the average between 275 and 295 per game.

But that's because we play with the gutter ball protector up.

What's At Stake

I was mowing the lawn when I heard the snap, crack and pop of time-travel about to happen.

The thing about time-travel is whatever you are touching travels with you. It's has to be that way to avoid the embarrassment of ending up somewhere else in time, naked.

My yard disappeared and there I was, traveling through the tunnels of time, holding on to my lawn mower. The time-travel tunnels echo, so you wouldn't believe the noise.

I ended up on the muddy ground of France during the 1400s. I don't think they considered mud a problem because there was so much of it.

There was a crowd gathered in the square and everyone was looking at me because of the lawn mower. I shut off the lawn mower and started coughing and pretended the sound had been coming from me. Back then if you were unexplainably strange, you were branded a witch and burnt at the stake.

Speaking of which, the crowd's attention went back to a woman who was about to be burnt at the stake. I joined the crowd. It turns out the toastee was Joan of Arc.

I never cared for history in school. I didn't have the attention span because I'm pretty much just interested in myself. So I look for ways to screw up big events from the past.

I turned the lawn mower back on and set it to automatic. The lawn mower moved erratically on its own. Everyone was convinced the lawn mower was a witch. They took down Joan of Arc from the stake and tied up my lawn mower in her place.

Joan of Arc came up to me and gave me a hug. Then she spoke to me in French. I don't speak French. So I nodded a lot.

She's Got a Point

My pet hummingbird, Mildred, never lands. She is always flying.

I asked Mildred how come she doesn't take it easy. She said someone around here has to work.

Toastmasters Paid Off

I just spoke at the Republican National Convention. 

I didn't write my speech ahead of time so I talked about the uncomfortable mattress in my hotel room. It looked so inviting, but then I laid down and it was like an old wino's mattress.

The Principle of the Highest First

I went up to the Moon to visit the old Apollo 11 landing site again. This time I ran into the ghost of Neil Armstrong.

I said, "Are you taking the opportunity for another walk on the Moon?"

The ghost of Neil Armstrong said, "I wouldn't say I'm taking this. When I died, I suddenly found myself here."

I said, "Maybe when you die you automatically revisit the area of your greatest significance."

The ghost of Neil Armstrong said, "Where do you think you would go when you die?"

I said, "To revisit the time I finally beat my dad in ping pong."

There's Order in the Universe

My compass busted. I was lost in the desert. I had no idea which direction to walk. I sat down and gave up. 

A vulture landed next to me. A hawk landed and stood behind the vulture. An armadillo waddled up to the space behind the hawk. 

I thought, "Wow, even animals stand in line."

I'm a sequoia tree. On my 750th birthday, I realized I needed to get out and explore the world. So I created a human form out of one of my branches, hopped into it, and went to see the world.

The first thing I noticed is there's a lot of the world. It just kept going. But then I realized the world was round, and I'd unknowingly traveled around it eighty-three times.

The second thing is there's a lot more people than trees. And they move erratically. It's hard to relax when you're trying to dodge people.

One Giant Leap

Yesterday I was feeling badly about Neil Armstrong. So I went up to the Moon to visit the Apollo 11 site.

I was angry when I saw a Moonling family having a picnic on the very spot where Neil Armstrong took his first steps.

The Moonlings invited me to join them. I forgave them because I was hungry.

She Thinks on Her Feet

When I was born, my mom was standing in line to buy groceries. She asked the person behind her to hold her place in line so she could buy diapers.

The Good with the Bad

I'm friends with the Sun.

The Sun likes to chew on ice cubes when it's talking. The crunching sounds intertwine with words. It sounds like a song. And like with songs, I get caught up in the rhythm and melody and don't notice the words.

The Sun gets angry and accuses me that I'm not listening.

We don't hang out often.

It's What We Do

I went for a walk with my pet ant, Farmchild. 

We hold hands when we walk. It requires me to bend over like I'm picking something up off the ground, but like the song says, the things we do for love.

There's Benefit in Everything

Late last night the singer-songwriter Leonard Cohen came over. He wanted to play me a new song that he had just written. He borrowed my guitar and started to sing:

I like cats,
cats are where it's at,
K-k-k-k-kitty cats,
Eating all the rats.

I said that it was a good song because it was letting him know that he was tired and needed to go to bed.

Where the Good Times Roll

I was walking through a field when I came across some sorghum. 

The sorghum asked me if I wanted to have a good time. I said sure. 

We walked about a mile till we came to a clearing where an armadillo band called the Rollies were playing. 

They were pretty good!

The Lullaby

I couldn't sleep. 

I went out to talk to the Moon. The Moon was asleep. I got angry and woke it up. The Moon said I was mountaining the molehill. 

I apologized and said I'd been irritable ever since my doctor put me on an all meat diet. 

The Moon reached down, pulled me up to its surface, and laid me down on the soft Moon sand. 

I was asleep in seconds.

It's Time for a Change, Part 5,683

I work as a toaster repair man.

The problem is, it's cheaper to buy a new toaster than get one repaired. So I haven't worked for a while.

This morning, my toaster broke. I had the parts and fixed it. My toaster was so grateful it cried. Unfortunately, the toaster was plugged in and it was electrocuted.

I thought that it's probably time to find a new occupation.

Why I Was a Few Minutes Late

I took the bus to the sun.

The bus didn't stop right at the sun, but three blocks away.

I didn't mind because I like opportunities for exercise.

Red Wood

I have a guitar made from a redwood tree. It's six city blocks long.

When I want to take the guitar out and play a song I let the city of Evanston know and they block off six streets. I hold a pick the size a trash can lid, and I get on a cherry picker and have a friend operate it up and down against the strings which are high tension cable wires.

A little kid that was watching me play yesterday said it would be easier if I owned a regular sized guitar. I said that's why they call it the blues.

Well

I built a wishing well in my backyard.

I went out to the well with a shiny new coin, but I couldn't think of a wish. The wishing well gave me some suggestions, but none were of interest to me.

I asked the wishing well if it would be okay being just a well.

The well said it didn't care, but I'd still need to toss in the coin.

I Remember

I got pulled over by a police officer. I asked what was the problem. The cop said that he was singling me out because I was the only one going the speed limit. He figured I must have been hiding something.

I thought about it. Then I remembered. I confessed to the police office that I stole a candy bar from 7-11 when I was two and a half years old. I was there with my mom. She saw one of her friends and they started talking. I wandered over to the candy aisle. I saw a Milky Way bar and I opened and ate it.

I told the police officer I didn't realize that I was stealing the candy bar. I didn't know about money at the time, and how it's used to trade for things. I was under the assumption that everything belonged to my mom which she then left out for me to eat.

A Sweet Victory

I won an Olympic gold medal for the 50 yard dash.

As I held the medal in my hands, I felt a wave of disappointment come over me. I worked my ass off, training hard for three years, avoiding friends and TV, all for a circular gold painted trinket.

But then I noticed the medal was foil covered, and I pealed away to discover the chocolate below.

I gorged and forgot what I'd been whining about.

I'm Sorry, God

God came over today to help me paint my living room.

I asked God, "What's my purpose in life?"

God said, "Painting that upstroke with your paint brush."

I said, "I think I get it, you're saying I have many purposes, not just one?"

God said, "Dude, you promised that if I came over today and helped you paint, you would stop asking me these questions!"

Sandy

When I was five, Michelle Bachmann and I used to play in the sandbox. I had my Tonka Truck bulldozer. She had a bucket and a pail. Sometimes we worked together managing the sand, sometimes we worked the sand separately.

I got an email from Michelle yesterday that said, "I have a sand box on the floor of my congressional office. I've been spending a lot of time there lately. I got a new pail and bucket. If you're ever in DC, bring that bulldozer!"

Automatic Reaction

I went to the center of the Earth to see who was around. No one was around. I waited.

Eventually a bus pulled up and let out a tour guide and a group of senior citizens.

One of the senior citizens pointed to me and asked the tour guide if I was a creature from the center of the Earth.

The tour guide said that I was. The senior citizens took pictures of me.

I smiled. I think it's impossible to not pose for a picture.

It Ain't What They Call Tea

I had tea today with singer and musician Mark Knopfler.

Initially I said I didn't care for tea. Mark Knopfler said I hadn't tried Anta-Bama tea from Portugal.

Mark and I go way back. I used to play tambourine for the band Dire Straits. My tambourine solo on Sultans of Swing has been said by many to be the source of the song's catchiness.

I humored Mark by taking a sip of Anta-Bama. It certainly didn't taste like tea. It reminded me of banana nectar if I'd ever had it.

How the Day's Unraveling

I drove my car till I got to the stop sign. I turned off the engine and put on the parking break. I sat for a while.

I noticed some birds flying by. One of the birds noticed me and it landed on the hood of my car. We looked at one another for a while.

But the car behind me honked and I turned around and pointed towards the stop sign. The person in the car behind me said I was an idiot. My feelings were hurt.

But then I looked back at the bird and felt better.

31 Days of August

I had lunch with my friend the month of August. August told me that it was thinking of switching jobs and working as a chef.

I asked August if it had gone through chef training. August, discouraged, said it hadn't. I said we could look up chef schools online. August sulked and said what's the point.

I forgot how long and difficult is the time I spend with August.

It's Hard to Be Original

I had a conversation with Saturday.

I said, "What will you be bringing tomorrow?"

Saturday said, "I never plan ahead. I make it up as I go along. I'm not like Friday, leaving nothing to chance. Friday writes it all down the day before, word for word."

I said, "So Friday wrote what we're saying now yesterday?"

Saturday hesitated responding.

I said, "Even the hesitation?"

Saturday put its head in its hands.

Time Travel

I skipped a stone on the lake. The stone kept going. The stone skipped for about a mile until it hit a walrus sunning itself out on a breaker wall.

The walrus looked over at me and said, "Hey, what's the big idea?"

I thought that was funny because it sounded like what someone from the 1930s would have said.

Getting My Feet Back on the Ground

After six months of no work, the unemployment office got me a job as assistant manager at Chick-fil-A.

I went through the two weeks of training and had my first day on the job yesterday. It was difficult work, but I was glad to have a job.

I think some of the customers sensed this because a few of them congratulated me on doing God's work.

Buster

Buster is a 12 foot scorpion who also happens to be my friend.

I met Buster when I got lost in the desert last winter. I thought Buster was a mirage so I didn't freak out. I held out my hand to greet him. Buster was surprised at my easy demeanor and shook my hand. Buster and I have been inseparable since.

Today Buster and I went into town to get sundaes at Dairy Queen. Even though Buster was wearing a cowboy hat, people lost it when they saw him. Even though he tipped his cowboy hat at the people we came upon. Even though Buster and I were holding hands and I was smiling.

Something New

The Moon told me it's thinking of quitting. It's lost its fascination with the Earth. The Moon said it's attracted to the communal living around Jupiter.

The Moon asked me what I'm up to.

I said that I recently chose a different brand of toothpaste!

Repurposing

I inherited the Empire State Building. 

I closed all the windows, filled the building full of helium, tied a hundred foot rope from the front door to a bus bench, and sat outside on the sidewalk and watched the Empire State Building flutter in the wind. 

A pigeon landed on the building and shouted, "Gidyup!"

КАМЕННЫЙ ГОСТЬ

I was still drawing a blank.

28 days of no new ideas.

I would sit locked in my study, my house staff were under strict orders to not unlock me from my room for five hours time.

At my point of greatest frustration, the ghost of Alexander Pushkin appeared in my study.

(We spoke in Russian but I will do my best to translate what we said to one another.)

I said, "Alexander, I am trolling for ideas but am finding no satisfaction."

The ghost of Alexander Pushkin said, "The disservice you do to yourself is in the looking for a gem, when a plain stone can tell a much greater tale."

I said, "But what of entertainment?"

The ghost of Alexander Pushkin said, "100 people sitting in one room. Each one a symphony to one's self, but a cacophony to the one sitting next to them. An impossible amalgam to separate and satisfy. You are left with no choice but to speak with no regard."

I leaned forward, pen in hand, to the paper on my desk. I became transfixed with the words that came pouring out of me.

When I was done, I handed what I wrote to the ghost of Alexander Pushkin. He read what I had written, tore it into shreds, said, "It's the utmost of drivel" and disappeared.

I burst into tears. The tears fell from my face into a previously neglected potted plant. The plant transformed from an indistinct stick into a vibrant flowering rose.

I said, "At last, something of value."

Change of Plans

I sat at my desk, paper and pen in front of me, waiting.

Hours passed.

The paper said, "Um, can I go?"

I said, "Sure."

The paper slipped off the desk, onto the floor, and under the couch.

The pen said, "Can I go too?"

I said, "Yes."

The pen rolled onto the floor, and then under the desk.

The desk said, "Are we done?"

I said, "Yes, we are."

The desk collapsed into pieces onto the floor. The wood reassembled itself into a go-cart.

The go cart said, "Do you want to go for a ride?"

I said, "Yes!"

I hopped in the go-cart, roared across the living room floor, out the front door, and into the street.

From the door of my home I heard the chair say, "But what about me?"

Generous

I found a bag of money in a paper bag on the sidewalk. I brought the bag of money home with me. 

I sat the bag of money at my dining room table. I made dinner and served a plate of food to the bag of money. 

The bag of money wolfed down the food, said it was delicious, and asked for more. My heart sang. 

I get so much back when I give.

The Secret Behind My Success

I qualified for the shot-put at the Summer Olympics in London. My friends are amazed and asked how I was able to do this. I said that in a past life I was a canon during the American Civil War.

A LIttle Generosity

A few months back, I won the lottery and bought Niagara Falls. I had the water diverted so it was just a cliff. I had a house built that looked out over the cliff.

Yesterday I was drinking a glass of water on the porch and the water said, "Hey, I remember this place. I once flowed over these cliffs. Can you pour me over the edge for old time's sake?" I stood at the edge of the cliff and dumped out the water. The water yelled, "Geronimo!"

Sage Advice

I went for a stroll along the beach with the ghost of author Washington Irving.

I said, "Sometimes I don't know what to write. I sit with my fingers on the keyboard and nothing ventures out. As a famous author, I was hoping you would have something to say that would enlighten me on what I should do in this predicament."

The ghost of Washington Irving said, "No. I regret that I can think of nothing to say."

Rocky

I have a pet boulder. My boulder's name is Timbuk. We travel around the country together.

Timbuk travels in the back of my pickup because Timbuk weighs over a ton. We tried traveling together in the front seat of my truck, but it was hard on the upholstery. 

Recycling

I inherited Stonehenge. I had the large rocks broken down into a concrete powder. The powder was shipped across the Atlantic to my home. I added water and redid my driveway.

My neighbor came over to check out my new driveway. I said it was made from Stonehenge. He said he made a grocery bag out of the Mona Lisa because of the purported strength of canvas from the 1500s.

The Reason Why

I couldn't sleep. My mind was filled with discord and restlessness.

I went out to my backyard, climbed the big tree, crawled into the nest of bluebirds, and fell fast asleep.

I was awoken by an argument. The bluebirds were fighting. I couldn't tell what they were saying because I don't understand chirps.

I climbed back down the tree, went inside and crawled back into my bed.

My wife woke up. She said, "You can't sleep?"

I said, "It's those damn bluebirds!"

Wishing

I went to the wishing well. 

The wishing well said, "What is it this time?" 

I said, "I wish you would be nicer to me." 

The wishing well sighed and gave me a looking over. 

The wishing well said, "You have nice legs?"

I said, "Really, you think so?"

Everyone's Got a Job

I got a summer job of laying hot tar on rooftops. I was feeling miserable in the 100 degree heat of the sun and the fumes from the smoky tar. 

God appeared out of nowhere. I asked God for help. 

God said, "See the job, do the job, stay out of the misery." 

I said, "It's easy to give that kind of advice when your job is the motivating energy of the Universe." 

God said, "Well said."

Eventually Things Get Better

I sat next to a coyote on a flight back to Chicago. The coyote spoke English. I was momentarily amazed, but that soon passed. 

So I opened the emergency exit door, grabbed a parachute and jumped out the window. The coyote jumped with me, but there was only one parachute. The coyote latched on to me, and talked the entire time till we landed in a field. 

The thing is, once we were on the ground, the coyote went back to being full coyote and howled at the moon. For some reason, this was more appealing.

Out of It

When I was nine, I was a candy addict. I was always in a sugar haze. 

Everyone I knew was drunk on something. My friend Dale used to drink so much Tang that he'd slur his words. 

His parents never noticed because they were high on beer. This leveled the playing field. 

When everyone's buzzed, no one's buzzed.

Quick Thinking!

A bunch of friends came over for a surprise visit. I didn't have enough food for a BBQ. 

So I took the time machine back to when Moses parted and crossed the Red Sea. 

I chose a swordfish, grouper, and tuna from the flopping fish on the dry sea bed, and brought them back and cooked a delicious meal!

Written in Stone

I put my hand-prints in the cement of Grumman's Chinese Theater. They thought I was John Lithgow. He must have been running late. 

The weird thing about cement is it gets under your fingernails and it adheres. I tried washing it out afterwards, but no luck. As I type this, my fingers are so heavy they are beginning to cramp.

In Spite of My Best Intentions

My plane ran out of gas. I plummeted to the earth.

I reached for the parachute but it was missing. I remembered my kids playing with the parachute in the backyard yesterday. They were having a great time.

I realized there was nothing I could do. I relaxed and sat back in my seat. It was interesting to watch the ground get closer and bigger. It reminded me of those time lapse nature films.

I noticed a mallard outside my pilot's window. The mallard was waving its wing at me.

I opened the window.

The mallard said, "You're going the wrong direction!"

I said, "I know. I'm out of gas."

The mallard said, "That's unfortunate."

I said, "I know."

The mallard said, "I wish I could help."

I said, "I appreciate it."

The mallard flew off.

I looked back at the ground and wondered if the dirt has feelings. Recently I started thinking that plants have feelings. In consideration, I've been skipping having a salad with my meals.

Piece by Piece

I sat on the floor in a room that only contained me.

I thought, "What else do I need?"

Chocolate entered my mind. I rarely eat chocolate.

I pondered, "Do I leave the peace and simplicity of this room to find chocolate?"

I left the room, took the elevator down, and exited the building. I went to the corner store. I perused the candy aisle. I found and purchased a Big n' Chunky chocolate bar. I brought the Big n' Chunky bar back to my room.

I unwrapped the candy bar and ate it.

I thought, "Am I satisfied?"

I realized I wasn't and went back out, this time to Macy's, and bought a bed, bedding, pillows, a nightstand, a lamp, a TV stand, a television, a blue-ray player, a chest of drawers, pants, shirts, underwear, socks, a rug, a rocking chair, and a copy of Picasso's Three Musicians.

The items were delivered to and set up in my room.

I thought, "I forgot to purchase a blue-ray disc to watch on my blue-ray player."

I left and went to the corner store and bought a disc of "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World." I came back home, put in the disc, laid in bed, and began to watch the movie.

I became drowsy and fell asleep. I went instantly into deep sleep. Everything I purchased, and the room and even myself were gone. There wasn't even nothing.

I woke up to the scene in "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" where Sid Caeser is trying to drive and look at his map at the same time. He can't see where he is driving and causes a great chaos on the freeway.

I heard a tapping at the window. I looked over and saw a robin looking at me. I waved. The robin nodded back.

How It Turned Out

President Obama said he was hurt that I'm Mitt Romney's Vice-Presidential running mate.

I said I'm not responsible for other people's feelings.

President Obama responded that he was going to send me to Guantanamo Bay.

I'm excited because I look good in orange.

A Different Man

I had lunch at David Bowie's house. We had double-stacked Reuben sandwiches, a bevy of turnips, and a tray of chocolate eclairs.

I said, "You seem more relaxed than usual."

David Bowie said, "That's because I've been eating whatever I feel like. For instance last night I ate an entire gallon container of cottage cheese and then went out to my garden and ate random escargot."

I said, "To what do you attribute these changes?"

David Bowie said, "The gradual attrition and then recent stoppage of songs on my mind's mental plate. My mind used to be a song heliport. The ditties would arrive day and night. There was no thought to eating or taking the time to relax. Now without the arrivals of melody wrapped rhyme structures, I have fallen for the charms of delicious morsels and the doing of nothing."

I said, "Changes are taking the pace you're going through."

David Bowie looked puzzled.

I said, "Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes?"

David Bowie said, "I haven't a clue. Would you be interested in sitting in a tub of brandy infused whipped cream with me?"

I said, "Yes!"

Life on the Campaign Trail part 3

It's week 6 of being Mitt Romney's Vice-Presidential running mate. 

Over breakfast this morning I said to Mitt, "I'm scared that we might win, and then you quit or die, and then I have to be President." 

Mitt said, "I'm scared of these eggs, but I find that if I pretend to be confident, I'm able to eat them all."

Trying to Swim Upstream

I saw God hitchhiking on the side of the freeway. I pulled over and picked God up. 

I said, "Since I picked you up, I would like you to do some things for me." 

God said, "You are under the mistaken impression that I don't like you exactly as you are."

Oh, Well

I got out of a plane too early. I didn't realize till I was falling from the sky. I started to panic, but then I thought I would only look like an idiot. 

So I pretended it was what I intended all along. I casually gazed at clouds. I did mid-air somersaults and back-flips. I took a picture with my phone of everyone taking pictures of me with their phones from the plane's windows.

I'm done with symphonies. Now I'm into humming.

The Secret to Having Peace of Mind

I live next door to the Devil. The Devil's front yard is beautifully landscaped and was once featured on the cover of Better Homes and Gardens. 

My front yard is filled with weeds and an old rusty car and has been twice condemned by the city. 

I asked the Devil how I could be more horticulturally adept. The Devil said rather than imitate one another, we should celebrate our differences.

Doing What I Can

I have a glacier in my backyard. I bought it and had it moved here to help prevent global warming. 

Every morning I stand out in my backyard and say positive things through a megaphone to the glacier like, "How'd you get so cold?" and "You're n-ice!"

Seeing What Matters

I went for walk along the Mississippi River with the ghost of Walt Disney.

Walt Disney said, "This river inspired me during my life. The multitude of tributaries made me think that life offers endless possibilities. What inspires you?"

I said, "Bread. I love how it feels in my mouth. It becomes dough again."

My Needs Tend to Change

I went to the wishing well. I told the well I wanted to win the lottery. The wishing well said it couldn't hear me. 

I leaned into the well to be clearer and fell in. I treaded water at the bottom of the well. 

The well asked me again what it was that I wanted. I said I wanted to get out of the well.

I live on a mountain top. It has an excellent view of everything but the mountain.

Moving Ahead!

I came to the crossroads. I didn't know which road to take.

I stood in the middle of the road.

A truck was heading towards me. It honked. The truck got closer. The driver waved at me to get out of the road.

I stepped to the right into a pile of dog poop. The truck roared past me and covered me in dust. The handle on my suitcase busted.

Yeah!

Making Amends

I stood outside looking up at the night sky in Alaska. Suddenly, there it was: the Aurora Borealis.

I took a picture. The Aurora Borealis got angry and threw a flame into my cabin, setting it on fire.

I said to the Aurora Borealis, "Why have you done this?"

The Aurora Borealis said, "You invaded my privacy."

I said, "I'm sorry, I should have asked first."

The Aurora Borealis said, "I'm sorry I set your cabin on fire."

Acknowledged

I went to a movie that included the audience's names during the ending credits. 

When I saw my name come up, I shouted, "Hey, that's me!"

Oh well

My igloo caught fire. So I had tea.

By Accident

I broke the Guinness Book of World's Records for the eating of apple pies. I ate 42.

I wasn't trying to break the record. I was hungry.

A Friendly Place

I flew to the Sun today.

The Sun and I are good friends. I visit the Sun every Thursday.

Because the Sun likes me so much, it created an air-conditioned space for me on its surface.

It's Hard to Get What You Want

Faeries lived in the garden in my backyard.

They looked like tiny humans, but with wings.

At first I thought they were cute. But then they wanted to talk with me.

The thing is, when I'm spending time in my garden, I enjoy the peacefulness of being away from people. Sure, the faeries were cute and rare. And it kind of felt nice when they waved their wands and sprayed shiny gold dust on me.

But faeries jabber. They talked in olde English and had a way of carrying on that felt intrusive. I think they might have even been drunk.

So I bought some pesticide and paid my neighbor's kid to take care of the fairies.

The faeries left the garden and moved into my home. They didn't know I paid for the backfired garden eviction. I didn't tell them either. Not because I didn't want to hurt their feelings. But they turned my neighbor's kid into a two-horned Bicorne.

Wonderous

I make bread at the Wonder Bread factory.

I pour flour into a vat, and add water and yeast.

Then I knead. I use my entire body. It's like wrestling a giant who has no skeleton.

Free Time

I was wandering through the park in Portland.

I saw a chipmunk licking the chocolate off a Milky Way wrapper.

I said, "Can I have some of that?"

The chipmunk said, "Sure."

I sat down on the grass with the chipmunk and we licked the chocolate off the wrapper.

The Cartoons Are Here. Can You Let Them In?

I answered the door bell. It was the cartoons. I invited them in.

We sat in my living room. I offered them tea.

The cartoons said they happened to be passing through and wanted to say hi.  The cartoons told me about their new endeavor.

Postulating

I got lost in the woods of Vancouver, BC. I soon ran out of food and water. I sat under a pine tree feeling badly about myself.

The pine tree said, "Why the weepy face?"

I said, "I'm lost and it looks like the end."

The pine tree said, "But you're still alive."

I said, "I know, but all signs point to merde."

The pine tree said, "What signs are you speaking of?"

I said, "I mean figuratively."

The pine tree said, "Oh, you're a writer!"

I said, "Yes!"

The pine tree said, "Writers have a poetically commanding way of interpreting things with imprecision."

Growing Up

When I was one and a half, I'd had enough and ran away from home.

I got a job working for Sears.

I liked working and making my own money. I ate a lot of cottage cheese. I stayed up often past midnight.

But something was missing.

One day I was walking home from Sears along the freeway, when I heard, "Psssst" from behind an abandoned tire. I looked behind the tire and met a scraggly armadillo, named Max. We had a lot in common because we were around the same size.

We decided to room together.

We played together every Friday on my day off. Max would curl up into a ball.  I would roll Max down a hill. Max would uncurl and then walk back up the hill to me.

I'm Too Sensitive

I was standing in line at Target. I noticed that God was standing in front of me. I get nervous around celebrities. I think they want privacy, but then I heard some of them like when you say hi and compliment them on their work.

Like an idiot, I nervously said, "Um, I like your work."

God turned around, smiled, and said, "Oh, thanks."

I looked down and said, "I'm sorry."

God said, "For what?"

I said, "I'm bugging you."

God created a thunder crack and said, "WELL, THEN DON'T DO IT AGAIN!"

I started to cry.

God said, "Hey, I was just kidding."

Electro-genetics!

My father is a lightning bolt. Growing up I only got to see him during storms. And then only briefly.

My mother was a human being. She loved storms. They met out in a field during a weather event.

I'm a human being. I don't have any lightening qualities. But I have the special skill of not being able to be electrocuted. When I was two I stuck my finger in an electric socket and nothing happened.

When I grew up, I got a job as an electrician. I think it's my way of feeling closer to my dad.

Oh, well

When I was born, I was handed the Life Manual. 

The thing is, I couldn't read. So I used it for teething. 

By the time of my first day in Kindergarten, the Life Manual was reduced to a wad of paper chewing gum that my teacher made me spit out.