The Writer

I was walking alone through the woods when I came upon Ichabod Crane. I could tell he was feeling bummed and I asked what was up. 

Ichabod said, "I wish my life were a better place to live." 

I said that it wasn't up to him but to the writer Washington Irving. 

Ichabod went on to say, "Oh, but my heart breaks over the loss of the affections of Katrina Van Tassel." 

I said again that none were to blame but Mr. Irving and the strokes of his pen. 

Ichabod said, "But are you too beholdened to the imaginings of Mr. Irving?" 

I said that I was unfortunately bound to an unknown author.

The Ride

In the morning, I got on my turtle to ride into town. By the time I got to town, it was night and everything was closed. I turned my turtle around to go back home. 

My turtle said, "Why don't you just get a car?" 

I said that I like to travel more naturally. 

My turtle said, "But then things like this happen." 

I said that I didn't mind because I liked our time together. 

The turtle said, "Sure, that makes sense."

Helpful

I like to eat a stick of butter a day. It has a naturally calming effect. Today however is looking like a nine-stick-of-butter day.

The Block of Concrete

I found a new place to sit and write my blog posts. 

The only thing is, this block of concrete comments on whatever I'm writing. Just now it said, "Why don't you write about pudding? No one writes about pudding anymore."

The Reason

I'm angry and I don't know why. Oh, yeah, I'm out of carrots.

Favorite Passage

My favorite passage from the Bible is when God says, "Why are you reading the Bible? Why aren't you outside?"

Here

Hi. I'm glad you're here. You're hereness is the best thing about you.

Space

I was all excited because in today's mail I got the hyper-space drive for my rocket ship. The box said it allows a person to skip three galaxies at a time. My heart was beating fast because I could now go further than I'd ever space-ventured before. 

So I installed the drive, got in my rocket ship and took off into space. I hit the hyper-space drive and my rocket ship shot into the distance. 

Stars were sailing by my window, until I slammed into something. I put on my spacesuit and got out to see what had happened. Lo and behold, I'd smashed into the end of space!

Speaking at the RNC

I spoke at the Republican Convention Thursday. I talked about how nice it was to be in Cleveland again. I went to high school there.

Then I pushed the button on the podium that released all the balloons from the ceiling. A few people off to the side of the stage were upset at me because the balloons were supposed to be released when Trump gave his speech.

But the audience loved it and didn't care.

Things Explained

Helpful Info

Door art, because sometimes you need to know what to do when you leave the room.

The disparate parts of my day argue which was best.

Beryl

My pet rhino, Beryl, was spending the bulk of her waking time watching TV on the couch. This was getting me pissed because it was wrecking the couch. 

So I got a DVD of rhinos in their natural wild habitat and played it on the TV. Beryl got all excited and ran around the room ramming all the furniture and dent splintering the walls. The only thing she didn't wreck was the TV. 

When the DVD was over she lay down on the rubble and remote switched the TV to Judge Judy.

William Henry Harrison

I was visited by the ghost of former President William Henry Harrison. I wanted to be upfront with him and said I was unfamiliar with his accomplishments when in high office.

The ghost of Harrison said, "But you do know that I was once President of the United States of America?" I said I did.

The ghost of Harrison called out, "Hoodeeladoo!" and danced a jig.

Dreaming

Guess what? I'm dreaming about you. You have whip cream on your head and are walking a tightrope. I am shouting at you from below, "make sure not to fall, protect the topping at all costs!