An Act of Genius

I was feeling depressed and the ghost of Thomas Edison kept trying to cheer me up.

The ghost of Thomas Edison coated my dog Rexy's tail in butter. Rexy went nuts, spinning in circles trying to eat the butter. Fascinatingly the butter turned to whipped cream.

It turns out fascination evaporates deep sadness and I was happy again. 

The ghost of Thomas Edison joked that he invented a cure for depression that could be sold in grocery stores.

Oh, I See

I dug a deep hole in my backyard.

I couldn't figure out why.

I set down the shovel and sat at the edge of the hole.

The hole said, "Daddy!"

Home Without a Hat

I got rid of the roof in my home because I like to look up at the stars when I sleep at night.

Being without a roof sucks when it rains and snows. Birds have a way of crapping on my furniture. When it's cloudy, I get depressed.

My love of stars is a curse. But on a clear night, it's one of the better feeling ones.

Self-confident!

Today I realized that stoplights are wrong. 

I ran through every red light to show them that I am right. There was resistance. I expected that. My car took some hits. 

But my confidence is unscathed.

Almost

I won a trip to St. Petersburg, Russia. But when I got there, I found out it didn't include hotel accommodations.

While wandering and shivering aimlessly outside, I met up with some homeless people who were adept at burning old pieces of furniture they found in alleyways. They were in the midst of burning a sleeper sofa.

I remarked how if we weren't flammable, it would have been the source of a good night's sleep.

Not So Far Away

I own a home in Martha's Vineyard. I've never been there.

I have a picture of this house on a wall of my home in Prescott, Arizona. When people come over, I show them the picture and tell them what I know about the house based on the one sheet that my real estate person faxed me.

People sometimes ask why I bought the house. I said that I was born with the ability to feel close to things that are far away. Sometimes closer than things in the same room.

People often remark on the character of the two rocks out front along the driveway. I say, "So you can see what I'm saying."

Easier Said

I had lunch with Neil Young. I asked him about his new autobiography. He said he didn't want to talk about it.

I told him that I figure everything everyone does is their autobiography in present time. Plus you don't have to type words.

John Cheever

I was visited by the ghost of the author John Cheever. He's a great hummer. He can hum any song, and it sounds like it's backed by an orchestra.

In a break between songs, I asked the ghost of John Cheever what he felt was the secret to great writing. He said scotch and momentum.

I showed the ghost of John Cheever some of my Better Late Than Dead blog posts. He felt they displayed whimsy. They I showed him my ability to whip a Frisbee up in the air around a tree and then back to my waiting hands. He said that showed dexterity and co-dependency.

Then the ghost of John Cheever hummed My Sharona. I recorded it and played it back after he left. It sounded no different than the recorded version by the Knack!

Negotiating

I went for a run deep in the woods with God.

I said, "God, you are great, oh so wonderful, and amazing in your many ways. If you help me win the lottery tonight, I promise you I will stop texting while driving."

God said, "You have this way of ruining the peacefulness of a moment."

Down the Road

I went fishing. I caught a 124 pound catfish. I tied it to the top of my car and drove home. 

A few minutes down the road I looked out my rear-view window and saw I was being followed by hundreds of feral cats.

I pulled over, untied the catfish and tossed it on the ground. The cats ate the fish in ten minutes flat. I tied the catfish skeleton to the roof and got back on the freeway. 

I shut off the radio and listened to the wind whistling through the bones.

The Readiness is Everything

I had lunch with the Sun. 

The Sun loves fries and ate two orders. Afterwards the Sun had a stomach ache. 

I pet the Sun's belly until it felt better. 

I didn't burn my hand because of my asbestos gloves.

Oh, I See

I had tea at my friend Mark Knopfler's home. We never say much. We like to sip and look out at the countryside.

Today however, I said, "Sometimes I wonder if the world I see is ever so slowly being painted."

Mark Knopfler said, "That's the beauty of oil paint. It looks so real!"

Beared

I was walking in the woods when I came across a grizzly bear. My heart spiked with adrenalin. I couldn't move or think.

I figured, what the hell, and asked the bear, "Excuse me, I don't know the proper response. Am I supposed to run from you, or do I fall on the ground and roll up into a ball?"

The bear said, "I understand that you are afraid, but your response has hurt my feelings."

I said, "I'm so sorry."

I opened my arms and hugged the bear. The bear hugged me back. After about ten seconds, it got awkward.

Bountiful the Daisies

I dreamt I was a cartoon character in a very popular Saturday morning show called, Bountiful the Daisies. It was about elves and fairies that lived in and amongst the daisies in a field behind a slaughter-house.

My name was Migrador. I was an intellectual elf who felt it was more important to know what made a plant grow than appreciate its beauty. The writers of the show wrote me as a snobby buffoon. But deep down, I was intensely curious about the mechanics of evolution.

Not again!

I got lost in the desert again. It's the fourth time this year!

I tried to prevent it from happening by tying ten miles of string from my car bumper to my right ankle. But miles into the desert, I heard a sound and turned around and discovered that my car had followed me.

I got so angry! My car told me that it was sorry, but it loved me and wanted to be by my side.

My car and I hugged as vultures circled us from overhead.