I Had to Ask

I had breakfast with God this morning.

I said, "Sometimes I feel like the center of the Universe, and then sometimes I feel like a tiny insignificant speck."

God said, "And?"

I said, "Isn't there some kind of pleasant middle ground?"

God said, "You're kidding me, right?"

Similarities

I had lunch with Keith Richards, the guitarist for the Rolling Stones.

I asked Keith whether the Stones would be touring this year. He said no because he's not feeling that well and needs to take it easy. I said that I was going to do standup last night, but was exhausted and decided to sleep instead.

I told Keith about a dream I had last night where I was King of the World. I sat on a throne of gold. People came by all day long to give me more gold and praise me. Eventually I got hungry. There were no snacks around. So I took off my crown of gold and had a bite. The crown turned out to be soft and delicious!

Keith said that he once ate a gold ring for real. He was drunk and wondered what a ring would taste like. He swallowed the ring like a vitamin. It tasted metallic. He didn't care for the taste and so he didn't do it again.

Doing What I Can

I was washing my socks out in the river behind my house when a trout stuck its head out of the water.

The trout said, "Dude, I live in this water. I don't like having to smell your dirty socks."

I said, "I'm sorry, but my washing machine is broken and I have an important job interview."

The trout said, "What's the position you're interviewing for?"

I said, "Chief fisherman for Fish Eye brand fish sticks."

The trout said, "Nevermind."

Out of Place

I got in my time machine and traveled back to my birth.

My mom was in labor. She was smoking. So was the doctor.

I popped out. The doctor gave me a cigarette.

Everyone had a cigarette dangling from their mouth when they noticed me.

I apologized. I'm easily intimidated by smokers.

Delicacy

My friend Shirley the chicken said she was bored.

I encouraged her to try something new.

So Shirley the chicken got a job as a late-shift hotel manager working the front desk of the AmericInn hotel in Skokie, IL.

Shirley the chicken excelled at the job and within the first sixty days won employee of the month.

Shirley the chicken thanked me for my encouragement.

It was easy because I like chicken.

The Brighter Side

I slammed on the breaks, but I was too late and went into a sinkhole in the freeway.

My car and I traveled for about ten minutes. We landed safely.

I got out of my car. The ground felt spongy.

I looked up and saw a distant light coming from the entrance to the sinkhole.

My car said, "It could have been worse."

A Ten Spot

I was sitting in the mineral springs for my birthday when the ghost of Alexander Hamilton joined me.

I was enthused because he’s on the ten-dollar bill. I think it would be exciting to be on money. The only problem is it would be hard to experience because you have to be dead to be on money.

Still

I looked out my window at the burning bear. The bear was running across the field.

Part of me wanted to run outside, turn on the hose, and extinguish the flames extending from the bear's fur.

Another part of me was afraid that after the bear was appropriately doused, he would turn to eat me.

I remained in my chair, stuck in dilemma.

A Better View

I had enough and went to the Moon to get away.

I took a nap in a crater.

When I awoke, I saw the big blue beautiful Earth in the night sky and took this pic.

The Earth's not a bad place when you're 238,857 miles away.

Lunch!

I was walking through the desert with my friend Pouka the armadillo when I stepped on a cactus needle that went into my foot.

I remarked on how much it hurt.

Pouka the armadillo said, "You should leave the needle in your foot. It's good zen training."

I pulled out the needle and then cooked Pouka the armadillo for lunch. It was the perfect noon-day snack!

You Can't Get Away

I was walking through the desert when I came upon Buddha.

I said, "I'm not sure if you are a ghost. I mean, you're like Jesus, right, but without the beard. I mean, you're like a supernatural being, or you know, son of God, or at a least relative."

I started to prostrate myself when Buddha said, "What are you doing? Get up off the ground."

I got back up. I felt like an idiot. I purposely hang out in the desert by myself to avoid this kind of embarrassment.

The Situation

I fell off the side off a mountain. Halfway down, I caught a hold of a branch. I called out for help.

From up above, I heard, "This is God. I'm here to help."

I yelled, "Thank you, God."

I waited for about an hour and nothing happened.

I yelled, "God, what's going on up there?"

God said, "Don't rush me, I trying to figure out what to do!"

Currently

I stood in the middle of the street.

I forgot why I was crossing.

But I didn't want to go back because what if I was late?

Things are Better

I died and went to heaven. I stood in line behind a bunch of people who had just died.

I remembered when I was in Kindergarten and Tommy Jimson cut in front of me in the lunch line. I said he couldn't cut. Tommy kicked me in the shin five times. I cried and my teacher, Mrs. Donnison came by and asked what was the matter. Tommy Jimson said that I cut in line. Mrs. Donnison said I had to go to the back of the line.

The fact that no one was cutting in front of me now made me feel better about having died.

Looking on the Bright Side

I have a time-travel portal that takes me back to the White House on the morning of April 15th, 1865.

I like to go through the portal sometimes and tell President Lincoln that one day he's going to be on the penny AND the five dollar bill!