Let Me Entertain You

I had tea with the ghost of singer Freddie Mercury. 

I said that I saw him twice in concert with Queen in the 70s and asked if he remembered me in the audience. 

He said no, the stage lights make it impossible to see audience member's faces. 

I confessed that I wish I didn't have such a strong need for acceptance. 

Freddie said, "Tell me about it."

Taking the Time

As I walked down the sidewalk I heard a, "Psssssst!" from the ground.

I looked down and saw a puddle. I said, "What?"

The puddle said, "How's it going?"

I said, "Good, but I don't have the time to hang out with you, puddle."

The puddle said, "Duder, you don't have the time to not hang out with me. I'll be evaporated in another hour."

I realized the puddle was right and I stomped and splashed around in it for a glorious few minutes.

Shiny

I got a pair of shiny pants for Christmas.

The shiny pants are made from a material that absorbs room light and then refracts it at 100 times the intensity.

The over-brightness bothers the other people in the room. They say it's like looking directly into the sun.

I suggest they look away.

The Light, The Heat

I was walking across the desert.

I came upon the singer Peter Gabriel sitting on a rock. Like a dummy I got really nervous and said, "I liked your So album."

Peter Gabriel compassionately, but I'm certain essentially with pity, said, "Why thank you." 

I continued my ineptitude by saying, "You're welcome."

And then I reached the depths of embarrassment by asking, "Can I take a picture of us with my iphone? Oh, Us, that was a good album too!"

Peter Gabriel said, "Thank you. Of course."

I stood next to Peter Gabriel, our shoulders touched, I'm sure he was thinking I smelled because I just don't have the finances for truly proper hygiene, and I blabbed, "Okay, 1, 2, 3!"

I said, "Thanks. I should go. Thanks. Thanks again."

Peter Gabriel said, "Don't mention it."

I walked away. After about fifty paces, I stopped and looked back. Peter Gabriel was gone. I realized it was all a mirage.

Then I got angry with myself that I didn't ask if we could sing a duet of In Your Eyes together.

Service

The ghost of writer Erma Bombeck came by while I was watering the plants.

She said that she missed doing the simple chores of life. I asked if she would like to finish watering my plants. She agreed.

When she was done, I got the ghost of Erma Bombeck to vacuum the upper floor of my house, clean the toilets, and scrub the kitchen sink. She was overjoyed.

The previous week, the ghost of General Ulysses S. Grant came by and dug a hole for a water surplus cistern in my backyard. He kept talking about how it was the best day of his life!

The Next Day

I had tea with David Bowie. He told me about his new record album, The Next Day.

He seemed kind of down as he talked. I asked him what was up. He said he always gets this way when releasing a new record album. He worries about how people will receive it.

I said that when I was a kid, I was always afraid to give my book report in front of the class because I was worried that the other kids might make fun of me. David asked if the other kids did chide me. I said that some of them did and that it made me sad.

David asked me if I was trying to make a point.

I said that I wasn't.

David said that if I wanted a copy of his new album that I would have to pay for it.

The Afternoon

A bear was passing through my backyard with her cubs. 

I came out to say hello. I pet the cubs on the head. We all rolled around and wrestled on the ground. 

I invited the bear family in for some honey. 

Then we all watched Downton Abbey and got groggy and fell asleep for five months.

Heavenly

I met an angel in my backyard.

I asked the angel why the visit. The angel said it just happened to be walking through my backyard.

I said that our meeting was auspicious. The angel said it was mere coincidence.

I said that each person in a situation sees things from a different angle.

The angel said I was making more of the meeting than it was.

I said the angel needed to say that to diminish my ego for greater spiritual growth.

The angel said that I should go to hell and stomped off.

I went inside my house and emailed all my friends at the Satnam center about the encounter. They said hell stands for Higher Elevated Learning Land. 

It's Impossible to Be Alone

I was shoveling the snow when the ghost of writer John Steinbeck came by for a visit.

He was wearing a loose-fitting suit. Ghosts don't get cold, or affected by the weather in any way. I think that's why they are always out, wandering around, bugging people.

John Steinbeck said, "You can see the character of a man by the way he does a chore. I can see by the way that you shovel, that that you are slovenly and lazy. But I also detect that you see these as admirable qualities."

Back in the 1930's, you had to speak astutely with discernment in order to not be killed by drifters.

Waiting

I waited for the bus. 

A deer came by and asked how long I'd been waiting. I said a half hour. 

The deer said that I could continue wasting my time or I could ride the deer to the land of milk and honey. 

I chose the deer because that's where I was looking to get anyway.

My Tree

I have yet to take down my Christmas tree.

I have a fake Christmas tree. It doesn't much look real. It's missing some of its limbs. It's bent in a strange way.

Sometimes people driving by my home, see through the window, notice my feeble tree, and will honk and say disparaging things.

I tell my fake Christmas tree, "They see themselves in you. It makes them uncomfortable."

My fake Christmas tree doesn't say anything. I think it's Enlightened.

Undecided

I climbed up the mountain to my guru's cave.

When I got up there, my guru greeted me at the entrance.

My guru said, "To what do I owe this honor?"

I said, "I'm shocked, you usually berate me for relying on you for advice."

My guru said, "My doctor said that I got an ulcer from my temper. I have no choice but to go the other way. How may I be of service?"

I said, "I can't decide if I should take a bath or shower."

My guru held his stomach and said, "You imbecile."

Restorable

The weight of the snow on the roof of my house caused the roof to cave in. There were pieces of wood, shingles, insulation and snow all over the place.

I got out the broom and dust pan. I filled up over 140 trash bags.

But then there was the open ceiling. It was cold out. Frigid air abounded. I was shivering.

I lit a fire in the fireplace. It looked nice. However the flames provided no warmth.

I got out saran wrap and stretched it over the entire roofless area.

I now had the warmth I needed, in addition to the deluxe sunshine.

Finally

Santa came by today and apologized for being late. 

He said he only had an etch-a-sketch and some tube socks left.

Compromised

I took a stroll with God along the beach. 

I said, "Hey, God, if you help me win the lottery I promise to stop cracking my knuckles." 

God said, "I like when you crack your knuckles."