Not What You Think

I inherited the beach ball factory from my dad. I took over the day to day management and soon ran the company into the ground.

After auctioning off all the manufacturing machines, office equipment, and the building to pay back the creditors, all I was left with was the beach ball from the lobby display case.

I took the beach ball to the lake and had a great time frolicking in the water.

Afterwards as I lay resting in the sand, the beach ball revealed everything that happened was part of its elaborate plan of escape.

It's like my uncle Saul used to say, "The world is run by unseen forces."

Whoing

I laid down on the grass in my backyard. I closed my eyes and felt the sun on my face.

Soon after, I felt a tickle on my cheek. I opened my eyes to see the Who's Pete Townshend caressing my face with a fallen leaf.

I said, "You startled me."

Pete Townshend said, "Would you like to buy a copy of my new autobiography, Who I Am?" He was carrying a copy.

I got out my wallet and said, "Absolutely."

I handed Pete Townshend $30. He took my money, slipped the leaf into the book and handed it to me. 

I said, "Thanks."

He nodded and smiled.

I was so enamored, I took the leaf out of the book and ate it.

Pete Townshend said, "Bon appetit!"

Lost

I took a tour of the White House. I got lost from the group.

I was walking down a random hallway when I came across President Obama. I said I was lost.

He said he sometimes felt the same way too. A tear came from his eye. A rainbow came out of the tear.

I gave him $5 for his campaign.

Reminder

As I walked through the woods, the trees told me that I was actually a tree who not long ago had changed into a human. As an example, the trees cited the Twilight Zone episode where a mannequin becomes a human and then forgets her true nature and has to be reminded. 

I said that the trees knowledge of that TV show meant they were probably humans who were temporarily trees.

Suddenly the entire forest turned into a crowd of thousands of dazed and noisy people. Most of them wanted rides home.

It's hard to get away.

I opened a can of string beans. I was surprised to find it filled with gold coins. 

I felt pretty good. 

I mean, I like string beans. But I really like gold coins.

Wished

I was walking down the beach when I came across a blue bottle. I could see an anxious genie inside the bottle. The genie was waving its arms at me. I figured if I took the lid off the bottle, the genie would come out and grant me three wishes.

The thing is, I'm terrible at making decisions. I was born with the disease of over-thinking. How annoying would it be for me to have to come up with three wishes?

I kept walking. I heard the ping of the genie's little fists banging on glass of the bottle. I felt terrible. But it's like what my rabbi is always telling me, "It's understood that if you're taken to dinner, you're going to have to put out."

One Thing Leads to Another

I ditched my car and now I ride a cloud to work.

But a cloud can't be steered. So I end up everywhere but my job.

I've long since been fired.

Well, at least I never need a raincoat.

Problem Solved

My car got stuck in the mud. I got out to push my car. I slipped and fell in the mud. 

My car looked back and said, "Dude, don't even think of getting back in me." 

I got angry and gave my car keys to a cow grazing in the field. The cow got in the car and drove off down the road. 

I think the extra weight helped.

An Act of Genius

I was feeling depressed and the ghost of Thomas Edison kept trying to cheer me up.

The ghost of Thomas Edison coated my dog Rexy's tail in butter. Rexy went nuts, spinning in circles trying to eat the butter. Fascinatingly the butter turned to whipped cream.

It turns out fascination evaporates deep sadness and I was happy again. 

The ghost of Thomas Edison joked that he invented a cure for depression that could be sold in grocery stores.

Oh, I See

I dug a deep hole in my backyard.

I couldn't figure out why.

I set down the shovel and sat at the edge of the hole.

The hole said, "Daddy!"

Home Without a Hat

I got rid of the roof in my home because I like to look up at the stars when I sleep at night.

Being without a roof sucks when it rains and snows. Birds have a way of crapping on my furniture. When it's cloudy, I get depressed.

My love of stars is a curse. But on a clear night, it's one of the better feeling ones.

Self-confident!

Today I realized that stoplights are wrong. 

I ran through every red light to show them that I am right. There was resistance. I expected that. My car took some hits. 

But my confidence is unscathed.

Almost

I won a trip to St. Petersburg, Russia. But when I got there, I found out it didn't include hotel accommodations.

While wandering and shivering aimlessly outside, I met up with some homeless people who were adept at burning old pieces of furniture they found in alleyways. They were in the midst of burning a sleeper sofa.

I remarked how if we weren't flammable, it would have been the source of a good night's sleep.

Not So Far Away

I own a home in Martha's Vineyard. I've never been there.

I have a picture of this house on a wall of my home in Prescott, Arizona. When people come over, I show them the picture and tell them what I know about the house based on the one sheet that my real estate person faxed me.

People sometimes ask why I bought the house. I said that I was born with the ability to feel close to things that are far away. Sometimes closer than things in the same room.

People often remark on the character of the two rocks out front along the driveway. I say, "So you can see what I'm saying."

Easier Said

I had lunch with Neil Young. I asked him about his new autobiography. He said he didn't want to talk about it.

I told him that I figure everything everyone does is their autobiography in present time. Plus you don't have to type words.