Just Saying

The ghost of President Franklin Delanor Roosevelt showed up while I was practicing golf putts in my backyard.

I said that I admired the shine of his wheelchair. FDR said peace of mind starts by taking care of what's within your reach.

I started to cry. FDR asked me why I was crying. I said I'm a sucker for good inspirational sayings.

FDR said that if we can't motivate one another, what's the point of a civilization.

I cried harder. FDR said that tears held in make a man damn. But tears released will water and make a man's heart grow.

I couldn't see through the tears. Water began to go up my nose. I yelled at FDR to cut it out.

FDR was quiet. But then he couldn't hold it back and said silence is golden.

I was washed away in a river of tears.

The last thing I heard was FDR reiterating the importance of going with the flow.

A New Job

I went down to the docks. A pirate ship pulled up next to me and asked if I wanted to join the crew. I said yes. I like sailing and I needed a job.

I boarded the ship and we went out to sea.

It was a difficult first few days because I kept throwing up. I felt like I wasn't making a good first impression. But no one said it was a problem.

Our first job was to attack a cargo ship. I asked why we would want to do that. They said to steal the contents. I said that didn't sound nice. Funnily enough I was chastised for saying that.

Flexibility

I got a job working for a paper company. My job assignment is to chop down trees, put them in a blender, take the pulp and smooth it out in sheet size pieces, and stack and pack them when they dry.

Occasionally a tree is still alive and wakes up as a sheet of paper. The tree is usually confused. But I found that by being matter-of-fact, the tree accepts the new changes in its life.

I'm not as flexible. I was shopping for groceries and couldn't find the Count Chocula cereal. The manager explained to me that General Mills stopped making Count Chocula. I threw a fit and the manager had me kicked out.

Nightswimming

Last night some friends and I went swimming in the La Brea tar pits.

I liked the comfort of the warm water.

We bumped into and woke up a hibernating Mastodon.

The Mastodon said, "What have I missed the past 10,000 years?"

I said, "Ronald Regan was President."

The Mastodon said, "Are you kidding me?"

Publicity!

I'm scheduled to put my hand-prints in Grauman Chinese's theater sidewalk today.

It's publicity for my family's home movie collection that's coming out on DVD this week.

For the extras part, I give commentary on my first steps. "I liked crawling. It got me where I wanted to go. But I had a feeling that if I were to stand up and possibly walk, I might be able to get there faster."

Prime Ministered

I joined a bowling league. One of my teammates is former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher.

Margaret is a really good bowler. She has a powerful flick of the wrist toss that sends the ball screaming down the alley into the pins.

I'm a crappy bowler. I have a doctor's note that allows me to put the gutter ball preventer up. Even still I tend to knock down one to two pins with both my turns.

Margaret is a good sport and always cheers my efforts. She says enthusiasm is the secret to life.

I told Margaret that though I may be private-natured, I get enthusiastic on the inside. Behind my stoicism is a world of fireworks, "Hail Hail, the gang's all here!", and cheering stadium crowds.

Margaret said, "Whatever they may be, I never belie a man's efforts to better himself."

What a Relief

I was driving across the Colorado freeway when I passed through a dense fog. I couldn't see where I was going. I was worried that there would be some kind of terrible multi-car accident.

After a few minutes, the fog began to clear.

I realized that my car and I were floating on a cloud thousands of feet above the earth.

It's funny how the mind thinks with certainty that tragedy will soon befall us, and then everything turns out okay.

Advice

I had breakfast with the ghost of General Custer.

I said, "I'm driving out to Los Angeles this week. I'm hoping to revamp my business. What do you recommend I do?"

General Custer said, "First, make sure you look pretty. When I went out to battle, I made sure my hair was shiny and flowing. I wore my full battle regalia. I perfumed my horse."

I said, "I don't have a horse."

General Custer said, "Then make your car smell pretty, lad! Douse the seats with lavender essential oils."

I said, "My girlfriend says to avoid lavender because it reduces testosterone in men."

General Custer said, "Never mind."

It's Time to Move On

I'm sad about the end of the Michelle Bachmann for President campaign.

I worked as her campaign manager. I put in my best efforts.

But it's like my dad told me when I was six and came in last place for the cub scout soap box derby, "It doesn't matter how shiny you make wobbly wheels."

To Each Their Own

I own a Steinway piano. I don't play it though. I like how it looks. The shiny wood and the keys and the Groucho Marx framed photo sitting on the piano excite me.

My dog Rexy plays the piano. Today she played Mendelssohn. I don't know this composer. Rexy had to tell me. She can play over 500 songs from a multitude of composers, including a pawful of her own compositions. This excites her.

Drinks

I went swimming in the ruins of the Titanic with my goldfish Jasper. We came upon a skeleton dressed in a tux standing at the bar.

I asked, "What are you drinking?"

The skeleton said, "Vodka tonic."

Jasper said, "Your glass is filled with sea water."

The skeleton took a drink and said, "By golly, you're right!"

Thanks!

I was swimming in the Gulf of Mexico when Poseidon, the God of All Water, joined me.

I asked if Poseidon liked his job. He said he missed the early simpler days when he was just in charge of making water circle as it went down the drain.

I said that I was feeling like crap because I had just been fired from my waiter job for eating the remains of an apple pie on a dirty plate in the dish-room.

Poseidon created a mighty whirlpool, and spun me around rapidly until I started to laugh.

Okay

I had lunch with the angel Gabriel.

I said, "What's the secret to life?"

The angel Gabriel said, "Don't ask those kind of questions."

Honey!

My pet bear Baxter is addicted to honey and went on Amazon and ordered a half-ton of honey using my credit card.

When I found out, I got angry at Baxter.

Baxter reacted and did one of those full throttle bear roars an inch from my face. I counted his teeth. There are 29!

Enjoying Nature

While I was attempting to repair the bird bath in my backyard, I was visited by the ghost of Bon Scott, the former singer for the band AC/DC.

Bon knows plumbing and showed me a simple way to shift the water pipe so the birds could get plenty of fresh water.

I said that I get a lot of joy from watching birds. Bon said that he set up a dingo feeder in his backyard in Australia. Bon said there was no greater pleasure than watching dingos.