Petals and Thorns

I have a pet dinosaur. I found it on a trip to Arizona two years ago.

I looked it up on Wikipedia. It's called an Ornithomimosaurs. It's an ostrich dinosaur. I call it Rex. My sister says that's ridiculous because it's not a Tyrannosaurus Rex. She's more technical than me and I forgive her.

Yesterday I took Rex for a walk. People love Rex and want to pet him on the head. But Rex is reactionary and once bit off a guy's arm. So I have to tell people to stay away. It hurts their feelings and that makes me uncomfortable.

Last night I watched the Godfather Part 3 while Rex laid his head on my lap. Rex loves the Godfather movies. Especially the Godfather Part 3. I can't stand that movie. But I watch it because Rex could eat me while I'm sleeping. I guess everything's a rose with the stem attached.

Why Not

This morning I came downstairs to a flooded living room. There were two ducks floating on the water. I love ducks. Most birds get scared and fly away when you approach them. But ducks are birds who prefer to stay put.

I waded into the water and swam to my kitchen. I got out some bread and came back to the living room and fed the ducks. They appreciated the bread.

I waited until the ducks finished their meal and then I swam to my front door. I opened the door and let the water out.

I never figured out what caused the flood. But I've never been a fan of why.

Curie

The ghost of Marie Curie stopped by for breakfast. Pretty much all ghosts can't eat food. She asked for some of my oatmeal and I gave her a bowl and she ate it. That made me think that she wasn't a ghost. But then I went onto Wikipedia and saw that she died in 1934. It's funny how expectations play with our thoughts.

I know a lot of famous dead people's names and I have a crude understanding of what they did in their lives. I was told about the reasons for their fame while in school. But this kind of info doesn't stick in my mind. I knew Ms. Curie was a scientist. I asked for details and she told me she isolated radium. This shut down my mind and I had to lay on the floor for a second.

She asked me what I did. I showed her this Better Late Than Dead blog. I asked if she wanted to write a post. She didn't get the concept and wrote on the screen with a pen and wrecked the screen a bit.

I was angry so I asked Ms. Curie how she died. She said radiation poisoning. Her invention killed her. I asked if this frustrated her. She said at first, but then she realized it was better than living longer because she worked in an office doing something she didn't care for.


This is a photo of Ms. Curie I took with my iPhone. My phone takes colored images. But there's something about dead people that deteriorates their surroundings.

I like the morning because it's well lit.

Oh, Well

I went to the wishing well.

The wishing well said, "Yeah, what is it?"

I said, "I'd like my money back."

The wishing well said, "For what?"

I said, "For the wishes that didn't come to fruition."

The wishing well said, "Which ones didn't you get?"

I opened a large, heavy, and frayed book. I started at the first page and said, "When I was nine I wished for our team to win the little league championships, and we got clobbered 79 to 0. And then when I was ten I wanted to pass my math test, and I failed and was sent back to the third grade. Later that year I wanted a -"

The wishing well said, "Wait a minute. I never promised you these wishes would come true. The name says "wishing well', not 'wishes granted.'"

I said, "But it's implied. The name is wishing well."

The wishing well got quiet. Then it said in a quiet tone, "Look, I don't have it. I've already spent the money."

I walked away. I felt like an idiot. Why did I place so much importance on particular desired outcomes? If I could only learn to accept what comes my way then maybe I could be truly happy.

I passed by a 7-11. I went in and compulsively bought a lottery ticket. I was practically foaming at the mouth. I went home and put the lottery ticket on my alter to Shiva-Christ. I blended the two deities for maximum effect. I prostrated myself before the alter and said, "Please let me win!"

Shiva-Christ said, "Really? Are you kidding me?"

I got up and lit a cigarette. I sat at my couch and looked out the window. I saw the sun ebbing. I exhaled deeply. I put out the cigarette. I looked back at Shiva-Christ. I was glad for the company.

I think it's going to be a good day because today is insecure and needs the reassurance.

Lava

There's a volcano in my backyard. Mostly its dormant. Those are the boring times. I really like when the lava flows.

Recently the volcano's been dormant for months.

I went up to the volcano and said, "How about today?"

The volcano shrugged.

I got frustrated and got out my shovel and started to dig a hole in the volcano. At first the volcano gave me a look of, "Are you kidding me?"

Six hours later a vein of lava started coming through the hole I was digging. The amazing thing about lava is it looks like the Sun's tears. I thought, "Oh, my God, how can something be so bright?"

I stepped away and watched the lava flow out of the hole and down the hill. The lava soon reached my house, setting it on fire.

The volcano said, "You brought it on yourself."

I never know what to say when someone chastises me.

My Room

I was in the doctor's office waiting room long enough so that I felt like it was my room. There were my magazines that I just don't seem to read. I had my choice of nearly comfy chairs. I liked the sparkle of my candy bowl. I liked that my TVs didn't bombard me with sound, but instead gently showed me their words. My posters inspired me to be healthy and that if I didn't feel up to it I had pills to help me do the job.

The funny part were the other people in my room. We didn't talk with each other. We didn't see each others eyes. It was obvious we didn't want to sit next to each other. But on a deeper level, we were spiritual together. We respected each others quietness. I thought, "I wonder if they think this is their room?"

Glacier

There's a glacier in my backyard. I like it better than trees because it's ideal for sledding.

My wife yelled at me for buying a house with a glacier. She pointed out the eventual devastation. But then she felt better when I had a scientist come over and explain that wouldn't be for another 7,000 years.

I love watching my dog, Pheiser, run onto the glacier and slide like crazy. I put a video of his antics on youtube. I wish I could be like Pheiser and just enjoy things without trying to preserve them.

Conflict in the Forest

I was lost in Glacier National Park. This bothered me because I couldn't enjoy the scenery. My attention was on not freezing to death, and then avoiding being eaten by the wild animals.

This shows you how delirious I was: I tried using the GPS feature on my iPhone. The weird thing was the GPS showed me my location in the Park, but there are no streets, so it was confederate information.

Eventually I collapsed in exhaustion. I laid on the snow, ready to give up. Then this bear comes up to me and I thought, "Oh, crap, I don't think I can take being eaten now."

The bear says, "Can I be of help?"

I said, "Really?"

The bear said, "I can help you out of here. I know my way really well."

I nodded. The bear picked me up and slung me over his shoulder.

The bear walked for about an hour when he came to a cave. He said, "I have to stop in here for a second." The bear goes in. Then I hear this big argument. The bear then comes out looking exasperated.

The bear says, "I'm sorry, but my wife says I can't save you. She says I'm behind in my preparation for hibernation."

I said okay. I didn't want to push it because I have learned to stay away from arguments between couples.

The Meaning of Life

I like being alive. It gives me something to do.

Numberful

I work at the library. I put books back on the shelves after they have been checked back in. I work with the dewey decimal system. My friends are in disbelief because my job involves numbers and I'm not practical with math. It's hard for me to take one number and do something with it to another number. But this job has shown that I'm okay with just one number. Even if that number is combined with letters like 947.BEF.

This job has given me my confidence back. Sure, I'm only being paid $7.75 an hour. But this healed the humiliation I suffered in 1967 at the hands of my math teacher Mrs. Geyser. My classmates and I were given a test where in one instance we had to steal 52.5 pieces from the number 67. I felt badly for 67. I wrote "67 doesn't deserve this." I turned in my paper. Mrs. Geyser read it and I was suspended for two weeks.

My family wilted at the possibility of another humiliation and decided to further my education through television. This was hard on me because daytime TV consisted of game shows and soap operas. I lost faith in television. This is hard on a six year old boy.

Accepting What Was

My pet Raven wasn't eating well.

I said, "Raven, are you okay?" I've never called any of my pets by a name. I refer to their species. It's not to be mean. I know it's not important to them.

My Raven said, "I haven't been hungry lately."

I said, "Can I get you a different kind of food? They have golden dragons on sale at PetCo."

My Raven said, "Well, actually, I really like raspberry popsicles."

I went to Giant Foods and got some raspberry popsicles. I came back home and gave one to my Raven. She ate and enjoyed the raspberry popsicle.

When I was a kid I never thanked anyone for anything. I never saw that I didn't deserve. But it bothered me that my Raven didn't say thanks.

Swiss Cheese Sandwich

Today I was looking around my fridge for something delicious when I came upon the other half of yesterday's swiss cheese sandwich.

The swiss cheese sandwich said, "You don't want to eat me."

I said, "I might."

The swiss cheese sandwich said, "No, I'm kind of stale. You didn't properly seal me with plastic wrap. If you bite me, you'll wish you hadn't."

I said, "Then I'll just throw you out."

The swiss cheese sandwich said, "No, that would be wasteful."

I said, "I know, I'll feed you to my dog."

The swiss cheese sandwich said, "Are you kidding me, your dog can't handle cheese. Imagine the mess he'll leave on the carpet."

I said, "Look, I can't leave you in the fridge. It's only meant to preserve food that I will eventually eat."

The swiss cheese sandwich said, "You're tired. You always get this way when you need to take a nap. Why don't you go and lay down. You'll feel glad that you did."

I went to my room and laid down in bed. I closed my eyes and relaxed. I realized what the swiss cheese sandwich had done and I got mad.

Going With the Flow

This morning I sold my wedding ring. I was married twelve years ago. The bride was my parent's choice. I was okay with it because I read that arranged marriages tend to work better. It was a beautiful wedding. The cake was delicious.

My new wife and I took our honeymoon in Yosemite. I didn't know she had a habit of sleep walking. She went out into the night and wandered into a bear's cave. No, she wasn't eaten. By the time I tracked her down, the bear had fallen in love with her, and I know instinctively not to argue with a bear.

I was forlorn. I walked for two months. I ended up in the northern part of the Canadian province of Saskatchewan, in a town called New Battleford. I got a job as a dishwasher. After a year I started feeling better.

The people of New Battleford liked me and I was elected mayor. I helped implement some positive changes for their sewer systems, I designed a law creating equal pay for women in the workplace, and I humanely rearranged their moose hunting season from 362 days a year to every other Saturday.

About a year ago, the bear and my ex-wife walked into town. The town's people knew my history. They gathered in the streets fearing a showdown. I walked up the couple and greeted them. I asked my ex-wife if she was happy. She said surprisingly so. She said she favored the simpler life. The bear broke down in tears and said he was seeking to make amends. Now, I've never agreed with the idea of forgiveness. It's like saying, "you suck and since I'm better than you I resolve you of your sin." But he was a bear and I felt it was best to go with the flow.

The town's people were so impressed by the bear's sensitivity that they ousted me as mayor and gave the position to the bear. I felt it would be better if I left town and I moved back to Evanston, IL.

This morning I went out for my walk. As I was passing Cottage Jewelers, the owner, Ira, came out and said, "Brooks, today's the day for you to sell your wedding ring. Gold just hit $1,300 an ounce."