Blooper

My dog just said, "Can I write today's blog?"

I said, "Sure". So, here's Blooper!:

Hi everyone, I'm Blooper. First I want to say, I'm not Brooks' dog. I don't think he would like if I said Brooks is my person.

Second, I want to clarify that this is not a special event. You may look at me and say, "Awwww, the cute dawgie is typing!" But I'm not any different than you. Sure, I'm covered with hair and I walk on all fours. But I'm aware of myself as an individual the same as you. I have thoughts. I have a name. I have certain foods that I like, and those that I dislike. I like affection. I like to have fun.

Plus we both have animal instincts. Brooks and I will be out for an easy going walk when all of a sudden I see a squirrel digging for acorns, and I go nuts. I can't help running after it with the hopes that I can kill and eat the rodent. But I've seen Brooks, in the midst of some intellectual exposition, suddenly see his girlfriend without a shirt. I don't want to go into details about what happens because he's easily embarrassed and will delete this, but I'll say we suddenly become equals.

Anyway, I don't expect you to change your views of dogs overnight. We are pretty cute creatures and it's hard to not say the silliest of things to us. I saw myself in the mirror yesterday and I was like, "Awwwww, look at you!!! I want to pet your furry little head!"

Thanks for listening.
Yours,
Blooper

In Season

I saw the snow on the ground. I went outside to the snow and said, "Um, excuse me, are you lost?"

The snow took out a sheet of paper with map quest directions, handed it me and said, "Nope, I'm supposed to be in Evanston, Saturday morning, 6:30 am."

I said, "Well, who told you to be here?"

The snow said, "I don't know know their name. They gave me this last night and said, "Be there!""

I said, "If I asked you to leave, would you go?"

The snow said, "It's not that easy. There's paper work. Then there's the wait time. It make take a few weeks."

I got a gas can and a hose from my car's trunk. I siphoned gas from my car's gas tank. I poured the gas on the snow on my lawn. I took out my lighter and I lit the gas and within a minute the snow was gone.

I went back inside and sat down and looked out my window at my charred front yard. I thought, "I love the first day of Spring!"

Bible Story Uncovered

Jesus had a dog. It was a St. Bernard named Buggie. They went everywhere together. When Jesus was knocking over the money lenders' tables, Buggie was right behind him, barking. During the Last Supper, Buggie was under the table eating scraps dropped by the disciples.

The original version of the Bible featured the stories of Jesus and Buggie. But the Catholic church deleted Buggie from the text because they felt that the dog was so lovable that he overshadowed Jesus.

Living and Dying in Simplicity

I got a new place to live. I bought the land and then built on it. It's in a graveyard. I actually bought a plot. I got a good deal because not many people have been dying lately.

It's a three story home. It's the width of a grave. The top floor is my bedroom. The middle has a TV and comfy chair. The first floor has a small fridge, a stove and a table.

It's very quiet at night. It gets plenty of sunlight because there are no buildings blocking the sun. And there's plenty of parking.

The great thing is when I die, the cemetary staff will move my body down to the basement.

Dedicated to

I was writing at home when I heard a voice outside the window say, "Hey, why don't you come on out?"

I went to the window and opened the shades. The maple tree in my front yard waved one of its branches and said, "It's nice out. I'd like to see you."

I'm a sucker for the tree so of course I went outside.

The tree said, "What have you been doing?"

I said, "I was writing some poems. They were about how much I like nature. One of them was about you."

The tree said, "Oh my God, that's so nice. Can you tell it to me?"

I said, "Let me see if I can remember it...Umm...Tree, my favorite beautiful tall magesticky, I love how you try and reach the sun, I believe in you so much that I know one day you will!"

The tree cried and hugged me with one of its branches. The tree said, "That was beautiful. No one's ever written a poem about me before!"

I said, "Oh, I've got a whole notebook of them about you."

The tree said, "Can you read them to me?"

I said, "Really?"

The tree said, "Yes, please!"

I went back in and got my notebook and then came out and sat under the tree and spent the rest of the afternoon reading to the tree.

Getting Along

I have a lizard for a pet. Everyday I feed her crickets for breakfast. She goes nuts and scrambles after the crickets, wolfing them down with abandon. But one morning about six months ago she ate all the crickets but one. I thought she must have missed it. She'd find it later and chomp it down.

I got home later that night and was surprised to see the cricket alive and wandering freely around my lizard's cage. The next morning I fed my lizard the crickets and she ate all of them except for that one cricket. I checked in on my lizard in the afternoon and found her curled up with the cricket under her arm. They were napping together.

Six months later, this cricket is still alive. Sometimes the cricket rides on my lizard's back. They often bathe together in the water dish. I caught them once kissing behind the log in the middle of the cage.

Trials and Tribulations

It got towards the end of the week. I'd gone five days without coffee. I didn't know how I was going to make it. I couldn't remember why that I quit. Was it that I couldn't sleep well at night? Or maybe that I had to drink a cup an hour otherwise I'd go into a tailspin. Maybe it was because my girlfriend said she didn't like kissing me anymore because my teeth were turning brown and I smelled like mouth acid.

I laid down on my bed. I curled up into a ball. I cried without a reason.

My dog looked up from the floor and said, "Let me pour you a cup, I can't stand to see you in such a miserable state."

I folded and said, "Okay."

My dog went to the kitchen and put a spoonful of Kilsner's Instant Coffee into a cup and added hot water. He stirred the mixture and brought it to me. I tried holding the cup but my hand was shaking too badly and I spilled half the contents. My dog set the cup on the ground.

My dog said, "It's okay. Drink it like me. At least you won't burn yourself."

I got on my knees. I bent down towards the cup and the phone rang. The message machine clicked on. It was my girlfriend. She said, "Don't drink the coffee!...Brooks, if you drink it, we're through!"

I looked over at my dog. He looked at the half full cup. He looked back at me and nodded. I got down on all fours and drank the cup. I stopped shaking. My breathing went back to normal. I was smiling again.

My girlfriend hung up. The dial tone came on. The message machine clicked off.

My dog said, "Well, at least you still got me."

Something Good Came Out of It

My swiss cheese company went out of business last week. We used to be the biggest producers of swiss cheese in the midwest. But tastes change. I think I got over confident because we had a strong 12 year run. My wife lobbied the past two years for Monterey Jack and string cheese, but I ignored her suggestions. It's like my astrologer said, "Being Aries makes you cocky."

Today I sat in my warehouse and felt badly. Then I noticed: sulking is not enjoyable. So I got up and I opened the back door to my factory. The rats and mice were in the alleyway scrambling for tiny crumbs of food. I said, "Hey, who's hungry?!"

They looked up, but were apprehensive.

A mouse said, "Is this some kind of a joke?"

I said, "No, I'm serious. Come on in."

The rats and mice came inside and then assembled in the main area. I said, "I'm sorry for my efforts to exterminate you over the years. I'd like to make it up to you." I opened the doors to the refrigerated rooms which contained over 15 tons of swiss cheese. "Enjoy!"

The mice and rats went nuts gorging on the swiss cheese. One of the rats looked up from his cheese and said, "Thanks Mr. Palmer, this cheese tastes great!"

Made Up

The bear and I made up. We sat together on the dock overlooking the lake.

I said, "It's nice not fighting. I feel like I can breathe again."

The bear said, "I know. I was so angry at you that I found myself constantly thinking of ways to eat you."

I said, "Really? Like what?"

The bear said, "I imagined you pointing your finger at me the way you do, and I open my mouth and eat you whole in one bite, finger first."

I said, "...I thought of calling animal services and telling them that you had foam coming out of your mouth, and you were waving a gun."

We sat in silence for a while. The bear put its paw in my palm. I squeezed its paw. We watched the sun come down.

Spring

I went outside and found the snow melting and receding into the earth. I put on my swim trunks and ran out and into to the lake. The water was cold. It made my mind and heart slow down.

I floated on my back in the water. A whale came by. The whale said, "It's good to see you again."

I said, "It's good to see you too."

We floated together for a while.

I said, "What did you do for winter?"

The whale said, "I was down in the waters of South America for five months."

I said, "How come you don't stay down there?"

The whale said, "I like hanging out with you."

I said, "Me too."

A school of shrimp came by.

The whale said, "LUNCH!"

The whale ate half of them. He saved the other half for me. I collected them together and sat on the whale's back and ate them. It felt good to let the sun warm me.

You Never Know Who's Going to Show Up

Last night I went to a local open mic to tell my stories. What a night! The ghost of musician Buddy Holly showed up and signed up to perform. Everyone was so excited. It was going to be his first performance since he died in 1959. I was thrilled. One of my favorite songs is, That'll Be The Day." Buddy Holly got up on stage and people got out their cell phones to take pictures.

The thing is, there’s something about dead people on stage. It turns out they forgot the words to their songs. They also keep falling over. We knew he was dead so we overlooked an understandable handicap. But then his left arm fell off. I jumped up on stage and tried putting his arm back on. I think it was from my years of playing with G.I. Joes and snapping their arms back on. But his arm wouldn't stay. It was awkward. I ended up setting it down next to him on a chair. And then there was the smell...

It turns out his guitar was dead too. I mean, I guess that makes sense. Why wouldn't he have a dead guitar? The wood was rotten which made it out of tune.

I think a lot of us felt badly for him. But there was nothing we could do. It was too hard to watch so we went outside to smoke. I don't smoke. But I was feeling so out of sorts from it all that I smoked a pack and a half of camels.

Clouds

I wrote a book about clutter that came out last year. I just finished writing my second book. It's about clouds. I interviewed them. It turns out they’re depressed. They feel badly that people get upset when they block the sun. The clouds take it personally. They are just doing their job. If they didn't do what they did, famine would spread over all the lands. I think it's going to be a bestseller!

Flow

When I was six I visited the circus for the first time with my family. It was so exciting for me to see the elephants, acrobats and tigers. I loved the circus music. I stuffed myself on cotton candy.

But then tragedy struck. My dad went to get some popcorn. A few minutes later there was a big commotion. Someone said there was a terrible accident out by the concession stand. I ran out to see. That's when I saw that my dad had been run over by the clown car.

The clown car's door opened. One by one the clowns got out. Eventually there were 16 clowns standing around and looking down at my dad's unconscious body.

I walked over and pushed my way through the clowns. I cried. One of the clowns gave me a flower. I held it in my hands. Water squirted out of the flower and sprayed my dad's face. My dad woke up. He looked up at the clown's faces and then mine. He smiled.

I said, "Oh, my God, I love the circus!"

The Early Days

I went to my first open mic when I was 5. My parents gave me a ride and dropped me off at the Village Green Tavern in Boston. Back then there were a lot less writers in the world. So the people who came were often well known writers. That night there was J.D. Salinger, John Cheever, and Kurt Vonnegut. They read excerpts from their latest works. They smoked and drank and swore onstage. They made jokes about grammar. They said really mean things about their publishers.

I got onstage and nervously read a story about my dog. It was called “Rover’s Revenge”. I wrote it for my kindergarten fiction writing class. It was about how my dog Rover was very kind and friendly, but then he would fall apart when squirrels taunted him from the trees as I took him out for his walks. He would shake, and foam at the mouth. One time he went nuts and ran up a tree. I hung onto his leash and got pulled up with him. Rover ran through the branches eating one squirrel after another.

When I was done with this story, I got off stage and sat in a corner booth and cried. Earnest Hemingway came over and joined me. He gave me a mug of cherry coke. I said, “That was horrible, I can’t believe how much I sucked.” He said, “Kid, I feel the same way every Goddamn time I get offstage. Welcome to the world of being a writer.”

I said, “Then why do it?” Hemingway said, “When you realize you feel that way about everything you do, then why not?”

I smiled and then threw up on Hemingway's lap. He had me kicked out and I was told to never come back. I’ve been writing ever since.

Taking a Break

I own a space ship. I like to take it out for drives in the solar system when I feel like I need a break from the Earth.

Last weekend I ventured out to Callisto. This is one of the moons around Jupiter. It's kind of ugly and desolate, but the nice thing about visiting Callisto is its privacy, you're guaranteed to not run into anyone else. Europa is the most colorful and beautiful of Jupiter's 63 moons, and because of this you can't go anywhere without running into noisy tourists. I feel, if you're going to get away, get away.

I set up my plastic airtight tent in the Syntex crater on the northside of Callisto. I got out my feather bed and a desk and a chair. I did some writing and then I retired to my bed for a nap. Whenever I sleep on Callisto, it's all deep sleep, I never have any dreams. Because of this, I only need to sleep two hours. Then I got in my space suit and went for a walk with my dog. He wore his suit too.

The really nice thing about space travel is you can't go online or check email. I say this because it doesn't matter. There's something about being on Earth that makes being online seem necessary. But then there I was walking my dog on Callisto, feeling so peaceful, and having a vague thought about the internet and thinking, "Yeah, whatever."