Sauna

I was sitting in the sauna with God. 

I asked God if it's true that I have to think positively to get good things in my life. 

God said, "I'm not that much of an asshole."

Buddha

I saw Buddha sitting on a park bench. 

I sat down next to him. 

I was nervous and tried to ask him something but I just uttered some sounds. 

Buddha got irritated and said, "Yes, what is it?" 

I asked him what was the secret to happiness. 

Buddha said, "Leaving me alone."

Space!

My dog Rexy and I got in our rocket ship to take a trip to the Moon.

 It was quite a peaceful ride. 

But then while cooking dinner, I burnt the fillet mignons, and the sprinklers went off on the spacecraft, and we got soaked. 

There's something about the smell of a wet dog in close quarters.

Woods

I was walking in the woods when I came upon a unicorn. 

I said hi. 

The unicorn said hi. 

I said something dumb like, "What a nice day, isn't it?" 

The unicorn looked awkward and didn't say anything. 

I felt like an idiot and kept walking. 

It turns out the woods isn't such a relaxing place after all.

The King

I was walking through a field with the ghost of Elvis. 

I said I didn't get the whole dead thing. If you die, and you're a ghost, doesn't that mean you are still alive in some ways. 

Elvis said, "When you eat a cookie and it's delicious, why ruin it reading the ingredients?"

Birthday

God stopped by today and asked me what I wanted for my birthday. 

I tried to pretend I was humble and said I didn't want anything. 

God one-upped me and said, "Okay." 

I quickly said that I wanted a box of Cap'n Crunch cereal. 

God smiled, took his hand from behind his back, and held out a box of the Cap'n and said, "I know."

Appease

I went to Mt. Rushmore. I looked at the President's faces. 

A bear came out of the woods and stood next to me. 

I said that it's too bad there isn't an animal's face up there. 

I can't believe the things I say to make others happy so they won't eat me.

Busy

My dog Rexy said, "Why are you so anxious?"

I said to Rexy that I was trying to think of something good to say on facebook. 

My dog Rexy said, "If you spend your time being too busy, you lose the time to lick your balls."

Bus

I stood and waited for the bus.

A deer joined me. The deer asked how long I'd been waiting. I said ten minutes.

After a moment the deer said it couldn't wait and left.

A few minutes later the bus came and I got on.

As the bus rolled down the road, we passed the deer. The deer looked up at the bus and shook its leg in the air.

Anything that takes me away from sleep is an inconvenience.

Unless it's a job that allows me to buy a better bed.

God

I went on a stroll through a field with God.

I asked God what was his favorite religion.

God said, "I like to stay home and stream movies."

I said that wasn't a religion.

God said, "But have you seen Eraserhead?"

Harold

I was walking outside in the snowy snow when I was joined by the ghost of Harold Ramis. 

The ghost of Harold said, "I used to hate the snow. Now it's like the ground changed clothes." 

I nodded. I said that I was sad when I heard about his passing. 

The ghost of Harold said, "Being dead is like you're wearing the same outfit you've worn your entire life, but it finally got cleaned." 

I guess when you're dead you think a lot about clothing.

Water

This morning I got on my donkey to ride to the town's well and get water for my family.

The donkey said, "Not today. I don't have it in me."

I said, "Okay" and walked the four miles to the well and back.

I poured some water into the donkey's drinking bowl.

The donkey said, "Thanks."

I went inside. I said to my wife, "I"m sorry I took so long. The donkey wasn't feeling well, so I walked."

My wife said, "Oh, I was wondering why you don't smell like donkey."

Square

One of my ancestors invented the square. He was humiliated by the press at the time. One review said that he was obviously trying to copy the wheel and it was dumb. He ended up dying penniless.

But now people laugh at the ancestors of those who once put him down, all due to the universal success of the crossword puzzle.

This Morning

Jesus appeared and asked me if I'd go and see the movie Non-stop with him. 

I said I'd already seen it. 

Jesus didn't say anything. 

I think he was waiting for me to give in and say I'd see it again.