Life on the Campaign Trail part 3

It's week 6 of being Mitt Romney's Vice-Presidential running mate. 

Over breakfast this morning I said to Mitt, "I'm scared that we might win, and then you quit or die, and then I have to be President." 

Mitt said, "I'm scared of these eggs, but I find that if I pretend to be confident, I'm able to eat them all."

Trying to Swim Upstream

I saw God hitchhiking on the side of the freeway. I pulled over and picked God up. 

I said, "Since I picked you up, I would like you to do some things for me." 

God said, "You are under the mistaken impression that I don't like you exactly as you are."

Oh, Well

I got out of a plane too early. I didn't realize till I was falling from the sky. I started to panic, but then I thought I would only look like an idiot. 

So I pretended it was what I intended all along. I casually gazed at clouds. I did mid-air somersaults and back-flips. I took a picture with my phone of everyone taking pictures of me with their phones from the plane's windows.

I'm done with symphonies. Now I'm into humming.

The Secret to Having Peace of Mind

I live next door to the Devil. The Devil's front yard is beautifully landscaped and was once featured on the cover of Better Homes and Gardens. 

My front yard is filled with weeds and an old rusty car and has been twice condemned by the city. 

I asked the Devil how I could be more horticulturally adept. The Devil said rather than imitate one another, we should celebrate our differences.

Doing What I Can

I have a glacier in my backyard. I bought it and had it moved here to help prevent global warming. 

Every morning I stand out in my backyard and say positive things through a megaphone to the glacier like, "How'd you get so cold?" and "You're n-ice!"

Seeing What Matters

I went for walk along the Mississippi River with the ghost of Walt Disney.

Walt Disney said, "This river inspired me during my life. The multitude of tributaries made me think that life offers endless possibilities. What inspires you?"

I said, "Bread. I love how it feels in my mouth. It becomes dough again."

My Needs Tend to Change

I went to the wishing well. I told the well I wanted to win the lottery. The wishing well said it couldn't hear me. 

I leaned into the well to be clearer and fell in. I treaded water at the bottom of the well. 

The well asked me again what it was that I wanted. I said I wanted to get out of the well.

I live on a mountain top. It has an excellent view of everything but the mountain.

Moving Ahead!

I came to the crossroads. I didn't know which road to take.

I stood in the middle of the road.

A truck was heading towards me. It honked. The truck got closer. The driver waved at me to get out of the road.

I stepped to the right into a pile of dog poop. The truck roared past me and covered me in dust. The handle on my suitcase busted.

Yeah!

Making Amends

I stood outside looking up at the night sky in Alaska. Suddenly, there it was: the Aurora Borealis.

I took a picture. The Aurora Borealis got angry and threw a flame into my cabin, setting it on fire.

I said to the Aurora Borealis, "Why have you done this?"

The Aurora Borealis said, "You invaded my privacy."

I said, "I'm sorry, I should have asked first."

The Aurora Borealis said, "I'm sorry I set your cabin on fire."

Acknowledged

I went to a movie that included the audience's names during the ending credits. 

When I saw my name come up, I shouted, "Hey, that's me!"

Oh well

My igloo caught fire. So I had tea.

By Accident

I broke the Guinness Book of World's Records for the eating of apple pies. I ate 42.

I wasn't trying to break the record. I was hungry.

A Friendly Place

I flew to the Sun today.

The Sun and I are good friends. I visit the Sun every Thursday.

Because the Sun likes me so much, it created an air-conditioned space for me on its surface.

It's Hard to Get What You Want

Faeries lived in the garden in my backyard.

They looked like tiny humans, but with wings.

At first I thought they were cute. But then they wanted to talk with me.

The thing is, when I'm spending time in my garden, I enjoy the peacefulness of being away from people. Sure, the faeries were cute and rare. And it kind of felt nice when they waved their wands and sprayed shiny gold dust on me.

But faeries jabber. They talked in olde English and had a way of carrying on that felt intrusive. I think they might have even been drunk.

So I bought some pesticide and paid my neighbor's kid to take care of the fairies.

The faeries left the garden and moved into my home. They didn't know I paid for the backfired garden eviction. I didn't tell them either. Not because I didn't want to hurt their feelings. But they turned my neighbor's kid into a two-horned Bicorne.

Wonderous

I make bread at the Wonder Bread factory.

I pour flour into a vat, and add water and yeast.

Then I knead. I use my entire body. It's like wrestling a giant who has no skeleton.

Free Time

I was wandering through the park in Portland.

I saw a chipmunk licking the chocolate off a Milky Way wrapper.

I said, "Can I have some of that?"

The chipmunk said, "Sure."

I sat down on the grass with the chipmunk and we licked the chocolate off the wrapper.

The Cartoons Are Here. Can You Let Them In?

I answered the door bell. It was the cartoons. I invited them in.

We sat in my living room. I offered them tea.

The cartoons said they happened to be passing through and wanted to say hi.  The cartoons told me about their new endeavor.

Postulating

I got lost in the woods of Vancouver, BC. I soon ran out of food and water. I sat under a pine tree feeling badly about myself.

The pine tree said, "Why the weepy face?"

I said, "I'm lost and it looks like the end."

The pine tree said, "But you're still alive."

I said, "I know, but all signs point to merde."

The pine tree said, "What signs are you speaking of?"

I said, "I mean figuratively."

The pine tree said, "Oh, you're a writer!"

I said, "Yes!"

The pine tree said, "Writers have a poetically commanding way of interpreting things with imprecision."

Growing Up

When I was one and a half, I'd had enough and ran away from home.

I got a job working for Sears.

I liked working and making my own money. I ate a lot of cottage cheese. I stayed up often past midnight.

But something was missing.

One day I was walking home from Sears along the freeway, when I heard, "Psssst" from behind an abandoned tire. I looked behind the tire and met a scraggly armadillo, named Max. We had a lot in common because we were around the same size.

We decided to room together.

We played together every Friday on my day off. Max would curl up into a ball.  I would roll Max down a hill. Max would uncurl and then walk back up the hill to me.

I'm Too Sensitive

I was standing in line at Target. I noticed that God was standing in front of me. I get nervous around celebrities. I think they want privacy, but then I heard some of them like when you say hi and compliment them on their work.

Like an idiot, I nervously said, "Um, I like your work."

God turned around, smiled, and said, "Oh, thanks."

I looked down and said, "I'm sorry."

God said, "For what?"

I said, "I'm bugging you."

God created a thunder crack and said, "WELL, THEN DON'T DO IT AGAIN!"

I started to cry.

God said, "Hey, I was just kidding."

Electro-genetics!

My father is a lightning bolt. Growing up I only got to see him during storms. And then only briefly.

My mother was a human being. She loved storms. They met out in a field during a weather event.

I'm a human being. I don't have any lightening qualities. But I have the special skill of not being able to be electrocuted. When I was two I stuck my finger in an electric socket and nothing happened.

When I grew up, I got a job as an electrician. I think it's my way of feeling closer to my dad.

Oh, well

When I was born, I was handed the Life Manual. 

The thing is, I couldn't read. So I used it for teething. 

By the time of my first day in Kindergarten, the Life Manual was reduced to a wad of paper chewing gum that my teacher made me spit out.

It Helps to Know

I said to my dog Rexy, "Sometimes I feel like I've been around forever." 

My dog Rexy said, "I think that's what makes you such a great procrastinator."