This morning with God

This morning God and I took a walk through the field of gilded lilies.

God said, "You look uncomfortable."

I said that I was trying to be even-minded.

God said, "Well, stop it, you're making me uncomfortable."

I asked what I should do instead.

God said, "I liked you a lot more when you were neurotic."

I said that would be no problem.

I was visited by the ghost of Lincoln

The ghost of Abraham Lincoln came to visit. He likes to haunt me every Wednesday.

He said that he'd like to see the new Star Wars movie with me. I said that I didn't want to go because I'm still receiving therapy (now down to monthly!) from my adverse reaction to the prequels.

The ghost of Lincoln said that if he was able to get over his phobia about being in a theater again after what he once went once through, I could man-up and be his movie date.

I said okay and we went to the movie theater but the new Stars Wars was sold out and instead we saw Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip.

After it was over we were walking through

The ghost of Lincoln said, "It never gets old."

Talkin' with the Moon

Earlier tonight I was having a rough night and couldn't sleep. So I went out to talk to the Moon.

The Moon said, "Is something bugging you?"

I said that I was worrying about some stuff.

The Moon said, "I can relate."

I said that I thought the Moon was always serene.

The Moon said, "That's because you don't hear my thoughts."

I asked the Moon for an example.

The Moon said, "The Sun is all 'Whatever, look at me, I'm sooooo important. I light the whole fricken galaxy!' Well, whoop de fricken do!" I didn't say anything.

The Moon said, "I'm sorry. I don't have anyone to talk to. It builds up, you know. Anyway, thanks for listening. You're a real pal."

I said good night, went back inside, and wrote this to you. Now I definitely can't sleep.

Supernormal

This weekend I went to master parapsychologist Dean Radin's All Intensive Supernormal Brain Boot Camp! For nine hours straight, Dean Radin lead me and the other course participants through strenuous mind building exercises to tone up our brain power.

After it was over I told Mr. Radin that I felt just as dumb as when I started.

Dean Radin said, "The fact that you know you're dumb is a sign of intelligence."

I was elated!

The Sun

I was awoken tonight by a call from the Sun.

I said I was confused because it was dark and that meant the Sun was sleeping.

The Sun tried to explain to me that it was dark because the Sun was on the other side of the Earth.

I still didn't get it, so the Sun told me to cover my iphone with hand. I did and the phone was gone and I went back to sleep.

Welcome home

What happened in the desert

I sat on a rock in the desert. Eventually an armadillo came up and asked, "What are you doing?"

I said that I was waiting for something to happen.

The armadillo said, "I'm what's happening."

I said that I was waiting for something interesting to happen.

The armadillo got up on its hind legs and did a flirty Mae West walk. I said that it wasn't interesting because Mae West already did it in the movies back in the 1930s.

The armadillo sighed and sat down next to me. We both waited.

Eventually a whale came by floating in a see-through glass swimming pool on wheels.

I asked the whale if we could join it in the pool. The whale sighed and said, "I guess."

The Window

I was looking out the window. The window said, "Why are you looking at me?"

I said that I was looking at a bluebird sitting on a branch.

The window said, "No, you were looking at me."

I touched the window with my finger.

The window said, "Thank you."

The Hike

I went to a hiking meet-up. There were 14 other people there, one of whom was Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump.

As we hiked, Trump talked non-stop. No one else could get a word in.

I sensed that the other hikers were getting really upset. So I yelled that I saw a bear. Everyone fell to the ground and curled up into a ball.

Trump didn't hear what I said. He kept walking and talking by himself until eventually he was out of sight.

I told everyone that the bear was gone.

We see you

The Walk

I went for my Friday morning walk through the juniper forest with God.

God said, "You seem troubled."

I said that the world seems like a constant non-stop problem factory.

God said, "And..."

I said, "Really?"

God said, "Yep."

The Window

I was looking out the window.

The window said, "Why are you looking at me?"

I said that I was looking at a bluebird sitting on a branch.

The window said, "No, you were looking at me."

I touched the window with my finger. The window said, "Thank you."

Lunch

I had lunch with the Dali Lama. I asked if he ever worries about things.

The Dali Lama said, "I worry about most everything."

I said, "But you're the Dali Lama, you're supposed to have it all together."

The Dali Lama said, "That's the only thing I don't worry about."

This is a picture I took of myself in a mirror I got from Spencer's Gifts.

What the stump had to say

I went out for a walk this morning. I came across this tree stump. There were a few tiny green leaves rising up from the stump. 

I asked the tree stump what it was up to. 

The tree stump said, "I don't know, I guess I was thinking about giving it a try to be a tree again."

What We Set Out to Do

My dog Rexy and I announced that we were going to walk around the world.

We set out with great expectations, but after about ten miles we got tired and took a cab home.

On the way back, the cabbie looked back and said, "Hey, aren't you the two who were going to walk around the globe?"

We said yes and that we changed our minds.

The cabbie said, "My wife said she'd leave me if I didn't start taking better care of myself. So I said that I would. That lasted about a day."

Brooks Serenades You from the Bathroom

Sailing!

I went sailing with Jesus. Jesus kept complaining about the wind, and how cold he was, and that he was nauseous.

I said to Jesus that he should be more positive and hopeful.

Jesus pushed me off the boat and then tossed me a life preserver.

Late Night Call

I called up God late last night. God said, "What is it, Brooks?"

I said, "I'm sorry to call so late."

God said, "Then why call?"

I said, "Um, you don't sleep, do you?"

God said, "Just-what is it?"

I said, "Okay, is it true that I have to ask you for what I want to get what I want?"

God didn't say anything. I heard God sigh and then bang the phone repeatedly on the ground.

I don't know what to say

Click to discover this and other Brooks Palmer originals for sale.

Bowie

I sat out on the rim of Crater National Park with my friend David Bowie. We sat together and said nothing.

Eventually David Bowie started to snore. He's one of those people who can sleep while sitting. He's so talented!

The Situation

My pet crocodile, Chaucer, is a gum chewer. And he chews with his mouth open. It drives me nuts.

Chaucer hates that I'm always cracking my knuckles.

I don't know how anyone gets along.

The Star

Sometimes when I need to be alone, I take my rocket ship to a my favorite star. It's a little bit of a trek, but once I'm there, I get out and sit on the star. It's not well known, so no one else is there.

 Occasionally the star says, "Hi" or "Are you comfortable?" I just say, "Hi" or "yes." But that's it.

The Debate!

I'm working at the Republican debate in Boulder, Colorado tonight. I'm running the concession stand.

I've always wanted to sell candy and I found this job on Monster.com. I couldn't believe they hired me without any experience!

The Force

My friend George Lucas called and asked if I would go with him to the premiere of the new Star Wars movie. I said I wouldn't. He asked why. I said that I'm still recovering from the last three Star Wars films.

 George Lucas said that he would buy me whatever I wanted from the concession stand. I said that would be okay if I saw something else instead. He asked if he could see something else with me. I said yes.

The Sky

I laid out on the grass and enjoyed looking up at the blue sky.

But soon a big cloud covered up the sky and the Sun. Things were darker and cooler. I didn't care for this, but felt the cloud would soon pass.

The cloud stayed. I got upset enough that I shouted up at the cloud, asking it to move along. The cloud said no and that I should move. Of course I stayed. It was a standoff.

Hours passed. Soon it was night. The cloud was still there, now blocking my view of the stars and Moon.

I couldn't take it and began to cry. The cloud also began to cry as raindrops.

Soon there was no cloud left and I could see the beautiful night sky. But I was so exhausted from the conflict that I fell asleep.

A Bigger View

God and I sat on the edge of the roof of my house and looked out over the yard. 

I said, "There's so many amazing things out there. But none of them would exist without you. You are like the paper that supports the words on a page. I'm wondering if I should spend my time focusing on you rather than on what you support?" 

God said, "You make me wonder why I go to all the trouble."

I'm sitting with my paintings. They like the company. So do I

The Boat Ride

I took a paddle boat ride with  God.

I said, "How can I be the best possible me?"

God said, "Get really overwhelmed without a clue of how to make things better."

I said, "And then what?"

God said, "What do you mean?"

The Visit

I was visited in a time machine by a future really old Brooks Palmer.

I asked what was up.

The future old me said, "I'm in the last few minutes of our life and I thought I'd revisit the absolute high point."

I said, "Really, this is it?"

The future old me said, "Yep."

Steve Jobs

I went to see the movie "Steve Jobs." Afterwards while walking to my car I happened upon the ghost of Steve Jobs.

I said hi. He said hello.

I thought about telling him I just saw a movie about his life but I got shy and said, "Nice night."

The ghost of Steve Jobs said, "It's like the day stopped trying to be fancy and special and calmed down enough to just be itself."

I thought that was better than anything I'd heard in the movie.

C. Day

I took my time machine to 1476 and the deck of the Santa Maria. Christopher Columbus stood on the deck, barking orders to his crew.

Columbus saw me and asked me how I got on the ship. It's hard to explain a time-machine, so I said I was a stow-away. Columbus had me put in shackles.

I didn't mind. Basically I just wanted to spend some time breathing in the ocean air.

The Dream

I dreamnt about you last night. You were a raven flying high in the sky. I was a cat sitting on the ground, watching you, and getting hungry.

So I invented some wings that allowed me to fly. I flew up into the sky, got to a few feet away from you, and was excited about the impending meal. But the thing is the wings were hang-cranked, so my hands weren't free. I tried hands-free munching you which was just embarrassing.

So I few back to the ground and took a nap because I was exhausted.

Anyway, I miss you.

God

Late last night I was feeling distressed and called God.

God said, "Yes, what is it?!"

I apologized and asked if God was angry at me. God said, "No, it's just that I'm in the middle of doing something."

I said I would call back later.

God said, "Just tell me what it is that you're calling about?"

I said that I was worried that I was wasting my life.

God paused and said, "You are."

I asked God what I should do differently.

God said, "Stop letting it be a concern."

I said okay, hung up, and slept like a baby.

What happened last night

Last night, I woke up in a library cubicle. All the lights were off. The library was closed for the night.

So I did what I always wanted to do. I stripped down to nothing and ran around pulling books off the shelves as I sang, "No, you be quiet" and "Somebody better clean this up!"

The Falls

When I was seven, my family and I went on a vacation to Niagara Falls.

My dad sat me up on the railing overlooking the falls so he could take a photo of me with the falls in the background. Of course I fell backwards and landed in raging waters a few feet from the perilous 160-foot drop.

The falls instantly stopped. The water became still. I waded to the edge. My dad leaned over the railing and pulled me up. The water went right back to its full rage.

My dad was so thrilled that he wanted to give it a try and he jumped into the water which forcefully carried him over the falls. He was eventually rescued 5 miles down the Niagara River. He was in a bad mood and talked about suing people.

For you...

Shutting Down the Factory for a Moment

The Ghost

A ghost showed up at my doorstep. I couldn't tell who it was by its features, so I asked the ghost who it used to be. I'm always hoping for somebody famous because it helps me feel special.

The ghost said, "Can't you just accept me for who I am now?"

I said yes, but I still wanted to know. So I suggested we go online to Wikipedia and I asked the ghost if it wanted to look up anyone in particular. The thing is if you are or were famous, or never have been famous, you want to read about yourself. It's the biggest drug out there. 

The ghost said, "Couldn't we just go for a stroll?" 

I said yes but I wasn't about to give up. 

As the ghost and I were out walking, I asked it what it was thinking. 

The ghost said, "I was thinking about the delightful but difficult times I spent at Elba." 

I jumped up and down and said, "Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm with the ghost of Napoleon!"

You're not alone

The Rope

There was a rope ladder hanging from the sky. I climbed it. After a half day of climbing the rope I reached a cloud. I climbed the rope through the cloud until I found myself in a room with a table and two chairs.

I got off the rope and sat in a chair. I was tired and rested my head on the table and fell asleep. When I woke up there was a man sitting in a chair across the table from me. I said hi. He said hi. It turns out he also climbed the rope.

Just then a woman came into the room. She said we shouldn't be there. So we climbed back down the rope.

Just another Thursday

I walked through the woods with God for our Thursday afternoon stroll.

I said that I sometimes got frustrated with life.

God said, "That's because you give up too easily."

I asked if I should just try harder.

Suddenly a bear appeared from behind a tree. I ran like crazy. The bear ran after me. I ran for a while and the bear wouldn't let up. I tripped over a log and fell onto the forest floor. I looked up and saw the bear bearing down on me. I covered my head and screamed.

I heard laughter. I dropped my arms and saw God laughing and standing over me like a bear.

I asked if God was teaching me a lesson about giving my all.

God said, "No, I just thought it would be hilarious."

The Ocean

I stood by the Ocean. The water flowed up and touched my toes. I said hi.

The Ocean said, "It's good to see you."

A tear came to my eye. I said, "You remember me?"

The Ocean said, "Of course."

I said, "I didn't figure you noticed."

The Ocean said, "It's always good to see you, Clive."

I got angry and drove home. When I got there I turned on the sprinkler in the front yard and ran through it.

The water said, "I heard what happened. The Ocean. What an asshole."

The Visit

My two-year-old self showed up in a time machine today. I asked my younger self how he was able to get here in a machine that didn't exist when I was a youngin.

The younger me said, "The mind and its mistress, memory, are not reliable recorders of truth. Psychological research has proven this over and over again."

I went to the freezer, got out a gallon container of ice cream, took off the lid, and began grazing.

My two-year-old self said, "That's a good boy."

Joypants

I bought a butterfly at Petco. I named it Joypants.

Joypants loved flying around my living room. He would sing, "Look at me, flying so free!"

One day Joypants was tired and laid down and fell asleep. Joypants had been asleep for two days when a cocoon started to form around him.

A few days after that, Joypants, now a caterpillar broke out of the cocoon. He looked at himself and said, "What the frick is this?!"

The Bus

I waited at the bus station. A bus came for Albuquerque. A couple got on. The bus left. Then came a bus for Burbank. A bunch of people got on. I wasn't one of them. The bus took off.

Another bus pulled up whose sign said, Out Of Service. I went up and knocked on the door of the bus. The driver shook his head at me and pointed towards the sign.

I knocked again. The driver shouted through the closed door, "This bus is out of service. You can't get on." I got out a twenty-dollar bill and showed it to the driver. 

The driver opened the door and said, "Look, even if I were to let you on this bus, it's not going anywhere. It's waiting to be serviced." 

I said that I didn't want to go anywhere. I just wanted to sit on a stationary bus. The driver said okay. I gave him twenty dollars and walked down the aisle. When I found a seat I liked, I sat down. 

After a little while the driver began to cry. I asked what was up. 

The driver said, "I'm tired of driving. I turned on the Out Of Service sign because I didn't want to go anywhere." 

I said I didn't mind. 

The driver said, "Thanks." 

We sat in silence.

The Ride

I was hitchhiking across the Big Old USA when an El Dorado pulled over to give me a lift. It turns out it was being driven by a giant Sea Turtle. I didn't say anything because I felt it would have been rude.

So we drove for hours, singing along with songs on the radio, and snacking on Wardly Turtle Delite Fish Flakes.

My First Cell Phone

I miss the old days of my first cell phone. It was gasoline powered. When it ran low, I would go to Citgo and fill up the phone at the pump. After only thirty seconds the phone would be full and it would last a good two days.

Trying to make a change

I went to the wishing well. I was angry. The wishing well asked why. I said that I'd been coming there for over twenty years and none of my wishes had come true. The wishing well spit out a refund of thousands of coins onto the ground. All the change wouldn't fit into my pockets, so I took off my shirt and filled it up as a heavy sack. I had to drag the coins to my car.

I was in a bad mood as I drove to the bank. When I got to the bank they said their coin-counter was broken and I would have to put all the coins in coin wrappers. I swore to myself as I spent three hours stuffing the coins into the wrappers. I brought the coins to a teller. She gave me $589 in cash, plus a quarter.

I was driving towards home when I felt myself suddenly turn down the street to the wishing well. I got out of my car, slammed the door, went up to the wishing well, tossed in the quarter and said, "I wish I didn't care what I wanted." There was a pause. The wishing well said, "I'm thinking of becoming a hot dog stand."

The Big Idea

I was having a hard time making ends meet. And then I got the big idea. I got in my time machine and rode back to April 15th, 1865, the evening, outside of Ford's Theater. I got a playbill for Our American Cousin and waited outside the theater.

A horse and carriage pulled up and President Lincoln and his wife Mary got out. I went up to President Lincoln and asked him to autograph the playbill. He agreed and as he signed I thought about the certain million dollars I would get when I auctioned off this playbill upon returning to the present day. President Lincoln handed me the autographed playbill and went into the theater.

I felt like a guilty idiot as I got in my time machine and rode back to the present day. I sat for hours staring at the autographed playbill sitting on my living room table. I couldn't take it and rode back in time to the theater.

As President Lincoln arrived, I showed him my time machine, and told him about the events that were going to transpire. President Lincoln informed the police who found and arrested John Wilkes Booth. President Lincoln invited me to be his guest of honor in the Presidential Box with his wife. I agreed.

Halfway through the play, I became restless with the old-timey dialogue. President Lincoln sensed my unease, took out a tin, leaned over, and whispered, "Are you in need of a dusting of Doc Frickner's anti-itch powder?"

The Visitors

The ghost of J.S. Bach showed up last night in my living room. I'm usually okay about meeting a ghost because I'm lonely and the dead are happy to talk with anyone. But I was tired, and the ghost of Bach was talking about the glories of of G-7th Major versus A-minor derivations, and I shouted out for him to shut it. The ghost of Bach started crying tears of dust. Ghosts have no water in their bodies. It turns out water is what makes us come to life. The dust made me cough.

Just then the ghost of President Dwight D. Eisenhower showed up. He invited us to take a hike through the cemetery down the road. The ghost of Eisenhower was ambitious in his intention to wake up all the dead and lead them in a parade down Main Street and let it be known that ghosts really do exist. I said it was late and no one would notice the parade. The ghost of Eisenhower was dejected and began to rain ectoplasm. 

The ghost of the Indian poet Shiv Kumar Batalvi appeared amidst the dust and spirit gel rain. The ghost of Shiv said, "Life is a long road, with many sites to see, we walk from one to the next, our footsteps becoming heartbeats."

The Wish

I went to the wishing well and tossed in all my money. The wishing well was extremely grateful and said I could have whatever I wanted. I said I wanted a watermelon popsicle.

Just then an ice cream truck came by. I waved the truck down. I asked the driver if he had a watermelon popsicle. He said yes and that it was eighty-five cents. I said I didn't have any money and the driver drove off.

I asked the wishing well what that was about. The wishing well said it was sorry.

I was angry for a little bit. But then I realized I had to shake it off, get a job, and start over again.

What Happened at the Bar

I went into the bar and everyone stopped drinking. They didn't say a word. 

So I started talking. I told everyone everything I've never said to anyone. They listened. I think I was so open because they were drunk and I figured they wouldn't remember what I said the next day. 

I went on sharing for close to five hours. By this time it was the late night and the forest animals in the park next to the bar started coming in. There was a raccoon, and a badger, a giraffe, and others. I talked while the animals roamed around me. 

I was revealing chronologically and by this time I'd only gotten to the secrets I'd been keeping since I was eleven. You have the most secrets when you are a kid to avoid the admonishment of your parents. 

By the end of the next day, I was up to telling secrets from a few minutes before I entered the bar. I had one secret left. I decided I needed that to stay private and I stopped talking and left the bar. 

As I walked home I noticed the giraffe was following me. 

The giraffe said, "Hey, I think you were holding out at the end." 

So I told the giraffe my last secret. 

The giraffe said, "It's not like it's something I haven't done."

My Job

I have to work today at Petco. My job is to pet all the animals. Even the reptiles.

I go from one animal to another, pet its head and say, "Hey, maybe today is your day."

The Door

I was angry and slammed shut a door. I felt badly and apologized to the door.

The door said, "Don't worry about it, I didn't take it personally. I've learned how to be flexible about things since I once used to be a tree."

Last Night

I took a plane to Vegas last night and got there around midnight.

I went to Caeser's Palace and bet $100 at a black jack table. I won a $100. I took my winnings, left the casino, and got on a plane back home.

The sun was up when I came in the front door. My wife was having breakfast.

I showed her the $100. We both danced around the table singing.

The Solution

My pet ant, Phetters, was crying. I asked what was the matter.

Phetters said that she was constantly worried that I would step on her. I said that I was always worried that I'd step on her.

Then the ghost of Wayne Dyer showed up and said that we didn't need to be afraid because even if you die, you'll still get to be around as a ghost.

The Pond

I was walking through the woods when I came upon a reflecting pond.

I looked into the pond and saw Donald Trump looking back. I pulled back my big shock of hair and saw a shiny bald head. The sun shone brightly onto my baldness and back into the pond.

A frog came out of the water and asked if I could stop doing that because it was heating up the water.

Self-Improvement!

My doctor said I needed to exercise. He felt that moving my fingers to type this blog wasn't enough.

I asked my doctor what he suggested. He told me to join a gym. So I decided to take his advice.

I found walking five blocks to the gym made me stronger. I didn't go in to join because I didn't want to push it. Too much is too much.

I caught a cab back home and took a deserved nap.

What the Flash Light Saw

The Paddle Boat Ride

I went for a paddle boat ride with Buddha.

Buddha said, "What questions do you have for me today?"

I said that I had none. I was just looking to get on with my life.

Buddha laughed and said, "Life gets on with you."

I stopped paddling.

Buddha said, "Why have you stopped?"

I said, "Let life paddle the boat."

Buddha didn't say anything. We sat there for about a half hour.

Buddha got restless and began frantically paddling the boat.

Hitchhiker

I saw God hitchhiking on the side of the freeway. I pulled over and picked God up.

I said, "Since I picked you up, I would like you to do some things for me."

God said, "You are under the mistaken impression that I don't like you exactly as you are."

The Solution

I couldn't sleep last night. I was feeling lonely.

So I got out of bed, got down on the floor, and squeezed myself through the mouse hole in the wall.

The mouse couple was startled.

But then I made a derogatory joke about the cat and we became fast friends.

Join Together

I drew this a few nights ago. It's called Join Together. It's a painting for the bedroom.

The Discussion

I was sitting out on my porch when a squirrel came up to me.

The squirrel said, "Can I borrow a pen?"

I asked for what.

The squirrel said, "I'm writing a book about my life."

I joked that it would be called The Ceaseless Hunt for Nuts.

The squirrel said, "No, that's the book about your life."

WWJD?

I had it with my character defects and did a complete moral u-turn by starting to ask myself, "What would Jesus do?" before any activity.

I was on a great three-day wave of good behavior when Jesus suddenly appeared in my car while I was driving.

Jesus said, "Why are you driving so slow?"

I said that the speed limit was 25 mph.

Jesus said, "I wanna go faster!"

So I sped up to 30 mph.

Jesus said, "Are you kidding me?!"

I punched the gas. Jesus yelped in joy. The car was so going so fast that it began to vibrate out of control, and I drove off the road into an abandoned barn.

I was shaken up, and the car was totaled.

Jesus said, "Thanks, that was fun" and disappeared.

A Friend Stops By

A friend came over for a pose.

My friend is interesting in appearance.

I tried to capture my friend precisely.

My friend saw the result and said, "Tomato."

On the Lake

I sat out with God on a boat on the lake.

The sun was shining. The sky was blue. There was a still cool breeze creating small ripples on the water.

I said to God that I finally felt peaceful and worry free.

God said, "I give it about two minutes."

The Results

I think it's important to have goals in your life. That's how positive change can happen.

That's why I'm proud to announce that this year, so far, my total of doing "dumb, what was I thinking, not again" moments are down to 1,489, compared to the total of 1,493 such moments at this time last year.

Something I Drew

I wondered why things happen the way they do.

The day said, "It's none of your business."

I said, "Okay."

I bought a used clown car. It's small but it fits a lot.

Honey

I sometimes coat my naked body in honey and roll around in a pile of money.

It keeps me from going out and buying something I don't need.

Friday

Friday just showed up.

I said, "What do you have in store for me today?"

Friday took the cigarette out of its mouth, coughed, and said, "Dude, I just got here."

Construction

I looked out the window at a bird trying to build a nest. It was having a difficult time.

The bird looked at me. I nodded.

The bird looked at it's attempt of a nest, looked back at me, and shrugged its shoulders.

Delivery

This morning I found a package on my front porch. August had arrived early.

I picked it up and shook it to see what it might contain. It made some curious sounds. But I haven't a clue.

Wishing Well

I went to the wishing well. I just stood there.

The wishing well said, "Well, are you going to ask for what you want or not?"

I said that I was okay with just standing.

The wishing well said, "I'm not sure what to do with that."

Just looking around. Not much to do.

Maybe I'll build an ark.

The Trip

Here I am enjoying flying first class across the Ocean. It was like having my own room on the airplane. I could have invited two people from coach to join me and still been cozy. My wife and I lucked out 2 B able to do this with airplane miles. The wealthy people around us took being there in stride. But we were like kids in a candy store taking every free amenity. I'm actually wearing American Airlines PJs!

My wife took this picture at the Tate Gallery in London as I desperately try to not lick the Turner.

God said, "What a great day!"

I said that sounded conceited.

God said, "I'm having such a good time that even you can't bother me!"

Sometimes I want to lay down on myself when I'm sleeping for a double rest.

Let's applaud yesterday. It was made of mint and it was delicious!

Two Friends Meeting Up Under a Microscope

Sometimes...

Sometimes I turn into a puddle of water on the street.

Birds fly down and use me for a bath. During the middle of their wash I say, "Look out, here comes the cat!"

The birds freak out and say, "Where, where?!?"

Bed Story

I didn't get out of bed all day.

God came by asked me what was up. I said that some days are overwhelming and seem easier spent on a mattress.

God asked to try. I said sure.

God lay down on the bed next to me and was asleep and snoring within minutes. Because it was God, it sounded like a hurricane.

I couldn't take it and got up out of bed.

My Home

I have a house made of rubber. I'm allergic to mold, and rubber is the only thing mold won't grow on.

I get around the house by bouncing.

When I want to go to sleep, I lay on my rubber bed. I have to wait a few minutes for the bouncing to stop so I can fall asleep.

The rubber toilet is a problem.

The Walk

I took a walk along Lake Michigan with President Obama. I said that he looked tired. I asked when was the last time he slept.

President Obama said, "I'm guessing about a month ago."

I said that I was tired too.

President Obama said, "Why are you tired?"

I said, "Too much cheese."

The Solution

When I was a kid, my mom once put a fresh cigarette in my lunch box. She felt that since I was a skinny and pale kid, the cigarette would give me a tough image and bullies would leave me alone.

So I smoked the cigarette during lunch. I coughed a lot, and had to go to the infirmary.

The school nurse said that the problem was I was smoking Pall Malls and would do better switching to Kools.

Today's Title

Sometimes I'll go out in my backyard and stand still long enough that a bird thinks I'm a tree and lands on me.

From then on it's not very enjoyable.

I like to sit. It makes the chair happy.

What I Woke To

I woke up this morning to discover every animal in the zoo sleeping on or next to my bed, plus the hallway and living room.

It turns out there was a fire in the zoo last night and all the animals escaped and came to my house.

Normally that sounds like an amazing and once-in-a-lifetime experience, but I've spent the whole day buying and putting down hay all over my house, as well as shopping for an army load of vegetables, raw meat, and apples, and the incessant feeding.

I think the hardest part is having to pet every one of the creatures. They're soooooooo needy!

The Well

I went to the wishing well. I tossed in my quarter. But instead of a splashing sound, I heard my quarter hit the rocky ground.

I asked what was the deal.

The wishing well said, "I'm out of water."

I asked if that would diminish the power of my wish.

The wishing well said, "Really?"

Me and the Sun

 

http://tinyurl.com/nuz25vh

When I Worked for NASA

Back before the Hubble telescope, Nasa sent me into space with a pad of paper and a pack of oil pastels. They asked me to paint pictures of what I saw. This is an image from the X9Z-1 galaxy of a planet called Bob.

You can find more images at http://tinyurl.com/nuz25vh

The Brooks Palmer Traveling Internet Pastel Show Now Open!

This is my self-portrait. This is how I look when I'm calm.  

You can see this and the rest of my catalog of original pastels at http://tinyurl.com/nuz25vh

Wishing

I went to the wishing well and put in a quarter. I didn't say anything.

The wishing well said, "Do you have a wish or not?"

I said that I was feeling confused because when I get what I want, I'm really happy, but that happiness quickly fades and I want something else.

The wishing well said, "Then you just wish for something new."

I said that it seems like an endless cycle.

The wishing well said, "Why do you think I got into this business?"

The Pond

I was walking through the woods when I came up a reflecting pond.

I looked into the pond and saw a horse looking back. I actually turned around and looked behind me, but there was no one.

I looked back to the pond. I admired my brown lustrous coat.

Out for a Walk

I took my dog Rexy out for a walk this evening.

We didn't say anything to each other for quite a while.

Finally my dog Rexy said, "I think of you as my person."

Art Becomes Life

I've been painting so much that I'm now a painting!...I want to connect with someone who can help me sell the art work I've been creating and build a market for it. Does anyone know anyone who knows how to help artists do this and who would take on a relatively unknown (and shy) artist like me?

The Transition

I was woken in the middle of the night by a grinding sound. I sat up and saw Saturday as it was appearing out of the last remains of Friday. I got out my sketch pad and drew this picture.

On the Way to the Moon

This morning I took my rocket ship to the moon.

Halfway there I ran out of gas. I got really upset with myself for not filling up the tank when I left.

That exhausted me so I just sat there in the captain's chair, looking out the window.

I realized this was the first moment I had to myself with nothing to do for quite a while. I thought I could meditate and recharge myself so dumb things like this wouldn't happen again.

But I got uncomfortable with the silence and went online to leave you this post.

The Seminar

I went to the Manifest Your Best Life Now Seminar.

The speaker said, "You need to really, really want what you want in life to manifest your dream life!"

I raised my hand and said that I want things, but I don't really, really want anything.

The speaker said, "What if you tried to really, really want to really, really want something?"

I tried hard for about a minute.

When I was done, the speaker asked how it went.

I said all I got was a headache.

The speaker got excited and said, "Great, don't you really, really want to get rid of your headache?"

I said that I really, really wanted a refund.

The Sauna

This morning I had my weekly Saturday morning sauna with God.

I said to God, "I think too much."

God said, "You always find something to complain about."

I said, "What do you mean?"

God said, "We can't get together without you telling me something that is wrong with your life."

I said, "Well, if you feel that way, why do you hang out with me?"

God said, "I'm entranced by your shiny bald head."

Maxim

You can be right, but it's a tremendous burden and the monthly payments are exhausting.

The Gist

Nothing is a problem until you set it on fire and climb into it.

The Walk

I was driving down the freeway when I stopped in the middle of the road and got out of my car.

People honked and swerved as I walked forward on the lane I had been previously driving on.

I walked for about two hours until I walk-exited the turnoff. I walked another half hour till I got to my home.

I went in and sat down on my couch. My feet hurt, so I rubbed them.

I thought of calling a friend to talk about what I'd done earlier, but realized I'd left my phone in my car.

I became a better me the day I was born.

Walt

I went on my yearly afternoon walk around the lake with the ghost of Walt Disney.

I said, "Ah, the sweet virtues of being lazy and purposeless."

The ghost of Walt said, "Sloth is one of the seven deadly sins!!"

I said, "Yet it's been proven that down time is necessary for great creative productivity."

The ghost of Walt said, "Actually while I was alive, I felt cigarettes provided my inspiration. I even created an animated film called Puffy, about a talking cigarette. It was meant to play in theaters across the country in 1964. Unfortunately the movie was ill-timed as it coincided with the Surgeon General's Report on Smoking and Health, and Puffy had to be scrapped."

The Delivery

I inherited the King Tut exhibit. It arrived yesterday by UPS.

I had the delivery person put it down in my basement. I unpacked it.

Curiously I opened King Tut's sarcophagus. King Tut woke up and got angry with me for disturbing him. I quickly closed the lid.

There's nothing worse than the feeling of someone being annoyed with you.

New Painting

It's me, yours truly, with a pastel painting I did yesterday. It sums up a lot and a little and some things in between.

If you're interested, it's for sale.

The Lottery

I won the lottery last night.

I got my cash winnings this morning.

I then went nuts and ordered and ate an extra-large pizza with everything from Domino's. Afterwards my stomach hurt.

But then I ate a $100 bill and I felt better.

The Cloud

I noticed that a cloud stayed in place over my home while other clouds came and went.

Eventually I asked the cloud what was going on. The cloud said it was tired and was resting. I asked if the cloud wanted to come in and take a proper nap in my guest room.

The cloud said yes, came in, and is now fast asleep in the guest bed.

I'm currently making the cloud a hearty and delicious breakfast for when it wakes up.

The Pen

I tried to write down my goals in my notebook, but the pen had no ink.

I yelled at the pen. The pen said I must be tired to yell at a pen.

I got up from the table and laid down in my bed for a nap.

The Race

Today I ran in a marathon.

In the last mile, I broke into the lead.

About 100 feet from the finish line I got hungry and left the race and went into a deli.

I got a pastrami sandwich. It was delicious!

The Call

I just got a call from God.

God said, "Why haven't you called me?"

I said that I'd been busy.

God said, "How do you think that makes me feel?"

I said I didn't think it would bother God.

God said, "Well, you were wrong."

I said what was the point of being friends with God if it turns out God is just like a person.

God said, "I'm beginning to think the same thing about you."

The Moon

The Moon posed for me while I drew its likeness. It's a rare image because it was one of few times the Moon has actually been happy.

The Walk

The Sun and I held hands and walked around the lake.

The intense heat of the sun instantly dried up the lake and fried all the fish.

But I was okay. That's the power of love.

Revisting the Past

I took my time machine back to Jesus' birth.

I was surprised to discover at least another 1,000 time travelers in attendance. People were clamoring to get a good view with their camera phones.

All the ruckus made the baby Jesus cry. His mother threw a fit.

A guy next to me captured it on his iphone and said it was going to go viral.

I thought ill of his intentions. But I think that's just because I forgot to bring my phone.

Top of the World

I rode to the top of the Empire State Building with Buddha. We looked out over NYC.

I said it was a marvelous view.

Buddha said he was scared of heights and wanted to go back down.

I asked why he went up there in the first place.

Buddha said because it was important to me.

I said I wished he hadn't done that because I was feeling bad that he was unhappy.

Buddha said that it had been a wrong decision on his part and then he threw up on my shoes.

I thought quietly that someone somewhere would think I'm the most lucky person.

In the Pocket

I was out for a walk when I heard a bunch of commotion coming from my pocket. I peaked in my pocket and saw that coins were having an argument.

I asked what was the matter.

The penny said that it was just as valuable as the quarter. The quarter said the penny was delusional. The nickel said the penny and the quarter were disturbing its peace.

I took the coins out of my pocket and gave them to a homeless guy.

The homeless guy said, "What did I ever do to you?"

Treasure

I found a treasure map. I drove to the location of the X and began digging.

About five feet into the ground I found a chest. I opened it up.

Inside was a toasted cheese sandwich.

It was still warm.

When I Showed Up

Interesting fact: I was born while my mom was sleeping. I popped out of my mom and neither she nor my dad woke up.

So I unattached the chord and explored my parents' apartment. I ended up falling asleep on the living room couch.

My parents found me in the morning. They were happy to meet me plus grateful at the money they saved from no ER visit.

Outside my window

A bluebird alighted on the tree branch outside my window. I got excited that it foretold imminent happiness.

But then a hawk descended on the bluebird, eating it in a moment of flurry. I got sad knowing that the good thing coming my way would quickly turn to a source of sorrow.

My dog Rexy, who had been observing the whole thing, said, "Sometimes, it's just time for lunch."

Time

I took my time machine to a minute before the end of time.

It was just like right now.

Today at the Pond

I glumly sat on the rock by the pond. My fishing pole lay at my side.

A fish poked its head out of the water and said, "Hey, how come you're not fishing today?"

I said, "What's the point. I've been coming out here everyday for a year to fish, but I've never caught you."

The fish said, "So, that's it? You're giving up?"

I leapt off the rock into the pond. I tried to catch the fish with my hands, but it swam ahead of my attempts. I finally gave up and sat down in the pond.

The fish poked out of the water again. I pet it's fishy head.

Wednesday

Wednesday just showed up.

I said, "What do you have in store for me today?"

Wednesday took its cigarette out of its mouth, coughed, and said, "Dude, I just got here."

How It Was Resolved

I was laying outside on the ground, minding my own business, enjoying the sunshine on my paper, when Brooks Palmer came by and tried to pick me up.

I objected. Brooks Palmer said he wanted me so he could buy stuff. I refused. He picked me up anyway and went to buy stuff.

At the register, Brooks Palmer gave me to the clerk in exchange for his purchases. I started to cry. Brooks Palmer felt badly and asked for me back.

Brooks Palmer took my outside and put me on the ground. He lay down beside me and together we soaked up the sun.

Inheritance

I recently inherited the Chauvet Cave in France, the site of ancient cave paintings. I'm not much into caves, nor that it was sealed off from the public and thus I couldn't profit from admission fees.

So I gave a nice financial donation to the village of Vallon-Pont-d'Arc, the town where the cave resides, and they okayed me turning the cave into a movie theater.

It's since been converted with the cave paintings still intact.

The Chauvet Cave Miniplex has three screens and opens up this weekend just in time for Insurgent 2!

What We Saw

I looked in the mirror and saw the face of Edgar Allan Poe looking back at me.

I asked what he was doing there. Poe said the same thing at the same time.

Poe said, "Sir, I must ask that you exit my mirror at once!" I was simultaneously verbatim.

I stepped away from the mirror and stepped back in time with Poe.

We chimed, "This is a mystery upon mysteries."

Just then my wife came into the bathroom and saw her reflection as Madam Curie. They both said, "Vous avez à me faire marcher!"*


* It's French for, "You've got to be kidding me!"

Out on the Lake

I took a paddle boat out onto the lake with God.

Neither of us said anything for a while.

Finally God said, "Are you upset with me?

I said no.

God said, "Are you sure?"

I said yes.

There was silence.

I said, "Are you upset with me?"

God, "Yes, I am."

I said, "Then why didn't you just say so?"

God said, "You should have just known."

Nervous

I was feeling anxious and took my time machine a week into the future. When I got there, I found my future self sitting in my living room feeling anxious.

My future self said, "Why did you come and visit me?"

The present me said, "I wanted to see if everything I've been worried about has happened."

The future me said, "Not yet."

The Ocean

I went for a walk by the ocean, feeling gloomy.

The ocean said, "Wait a second, I've got something to cheer you up."

A minute later, hundreds of whales came near the shore and spouted water at the same time. It was like a reverse flow Niagara Falls.

The ocean said, "Are you feeling better now?"

I said much, much better.

But then the whales beached themselves. I tried pushing them back in the water but they wouldn't budge.

I asked the ocean for help. The ocean felt badly that its gift backfired.

I said, "It doesn't matter, can you help?"

The ocean rose its tide and the whales swam away.

I asked the ocean if it felt okay now.

The ocean said, "Yes, thank you so much!!"

The desk

I sat at my desk. But I couldn't think of anything to write.

My desk reacted by dismantling and rebuilding into a go-cart.

My desk said, "Hop in."

I got in and we roared out my front door.

My chair yelled back from the doorway, "What about me?"

Arctic

I was walking through the Arctic when I came upon a carrot-nosed snowman.

I said, "I thought you only existed in front of people's houses."

The snowman said, "It must be a lot of pressure to think that you know everything."

I said, "It is."

The Beach

God and I took a stroll along the beach in San Diego.

God said, "You look really tired."

I said that I was worn out from all the winter in Chicago.

God said, "I made the weather shitty for you back in Chicago so you'd come out here and see this amazing beach."

I said I would have come out to the beach if he had just asked me.

God said, "No you wouldn't."

I said, "Yeah, you're right."

Circumstances Bring Change

I was walking in my backyard when I fell into a hole that took me to the center of the earth. At least I think it was the center. I fell for a very long time. But sometimes things seem long because of the resistance to what's happening.

I eventually landed on an island of dirt that was surrounded by an ocean of lava.

I felt so tiny amidst this tumultuous sea of fire. It was a good experience because lately I'd been thinking a lot about my problems and this put things in perspective.

Last Night's Visitor

God showed up at my place last night in tears.

I asked what was wrong.

God said, "I can't do this anymore. It's too hard to figure out how to run the Universe...Would, would you take over for me?"

I cried happy tears, danced around the room, and said, "Yes, I will do it! You'll see! I will make everything right!"

God stopped crying, smiled, and said, "Ha, I got you."

Helpful

I went for a stroll through the woods with Buddha.

I said that when I get stuck about something, I ask myself, "What would Buddha do?"

Buddha said, "That's a good idea. I'm going to try that."

My Day So Far

I needed a break and took a boat out to the middle of the lake.

I set down the oars, laid down in the boat, and looked up at the sky. Finally some peace and quiet.

But then a dark cloud blotted out the sunshine. The cloud didn't move. I asked the cloud nicely if it would get out of the way. The cloud ignored me.

I sat up, grabbed the oars, and rowed to another spot.

The cloud followed me. Then it started to rain. It rained so much that the boat filled up with water and sank.

I swam to the shore and laid out on the sand. The cloud was gone and the sun warmed me.

I said thanks to the sun.

The sun said, "No problem, that cloud was an asshole."

The Wishing Well

I went to the wishing well.

The wishing well said, "Yeah, Brooks, what is it this time?"

I said, "Nothing for me, I have something for you."

I brought in a construction crew. They dismantled the old and worn top of the well. Then the crew went into the well and took out all the old dilapidated stones and drained the stagnant water. They then created a proper drained system and piping that connected the well to the local lake.

The crew then put in new stones on the on the bottom and sides of the well. They then constructed a proper top.

When they were done, the wishing well was in tears.

The wishing well said, "How can I ever repay you?"

I got out a thick notebook, sat down on the ground, and began reading from the long list.

Winter

I went outside and asked Winter to stop.

Winter said, "I won't".

I asked if Winter was angry at me.

Winter said, "Yes, I am."

I asked Winter why.

Winter said, "You know what you did."

Inheritance

I inherited a rock quarry. I didn't know what to do with it.

So I went down into the quarry and asked the rocks what they wanted to do. They said they wanted to go out for shakes.

So I put all the rocks in a big truck and brought them to the Shake Shack.

I took all their orders and got their shakes.

I asked what else they wanted to do. They wanted to go to the movies. I said okay.

It's nice to have new friends.

Life

Life is like a bowling alley. There are so many lanes to choose from, but essentially it's all bowling.

Brian Williams

I remember being in the 2003 helicopter ride over Iraq with Brian Williams in 2003.

A rat came out from behind a box of ammunition and I freaked out.

Brian Williams had a level head and kicked the rat out the side of the helicopter.

I said I felt like an idiot.

Brian Williams said, "Yes, you're an idiot."

The Elk

I was walking through the woods, hoping to find some peace of mind, when I came upon an elk. I was intimidated by its immense size and big horns.

The elk asked me for a cigarette.

I don't smoke and had arrogant and judgmental thoughts about the elk's filthy habit.

I could tell the elk knew.

I felt bad.

Not There

I used to love the stars in the night sky.

But then I read in Chalmer's Science Digest that most stars are liars. They pretend to be there, but most died out long ago. Liars!

I took out my anger by yelling at my dog Rexy.

My dog Rexy understood what was going on and said, "Life's like those hamburger photo ads that never look like what you're served."

The Inquiry

I woke up this morning to find God sitting at the end of my bed.

I asked what I'd done wrong.

God said, "I'm not here to punish you."

I asked if I was going to die.

God said, "No."

I told God who I was and asked if God was there by mistake.

God said, "Do you ever wonder why good things rarely happen to you?"

Solution

I sat in a puddle.

Someone came by and said, "Why are you sitting in a puddle?"

I said that I was hot and it was helping me cool down.

The person said, "Let me give it a try." She sat down in the puddle.

She said, "I see what you mean."

The Walk

I took my pet worm, Mildred, to the vet because she'd been feeling down. The vet said Mildred needed exercise.

So that afternoon I took her out for a walk.

Mildred made her best efforts as I "walked" alongside her, saying, "You can do it!"

One of my neighbors called out to me from their yard and asked why I was just standing on the sidewalk, talking to myself.

Mildred looked defeated.

I said that I was taking my time.

Mildred looked up at me and smiled.

The drink

I went to the wishing well. I tossed in my quarter.

The wishing well said, "Yeah, what do you want?"

I said I wanted a drink of water.

The wishing well got angry and said, "Are you kidding me? I don't do that anymore! I grant wishes!"

I said that wanting a drink of water was a wish.

The wishing well was silent. Suddenly the bucket rose up from inside the well, filled to the brim with water. I took a drink.

The person in line behind me said to the others behind him, "Hey, it's just a well." They all left.

The wishing well said, "You idiot, now look what you've done!"

I said that it was only a matter of time.

oh...

Hungry

I went out to a field and laid down.

After a few minutes, a vulture landed next to me. I told the vulture that I laid down for a rest, and wasn't dying and ready to be a meal.

The vulture said, "The thing is, I'm really hungry."

So I took a PB&J sandwich out of my jacket pocket and gave it to the vulture. The vulture thanked me, ate the sandwich, and laid down next to me. We feel asleep soon after.

But then we were awaken by a bear. The bear growled and said, "I'm going to eat you both."

I thought to myself that a restaurant would do very well here.

The answer

I took a walk around the lake with God. I wasn't saying anything.

God said, "You seem troubled."

I said, "I'm sorry, it's just that every time we get together I spout an endless list of things I want from you. I'm so sick of begging."

God said, "Oh, you don't need to worry about that. I never listen to you anyway."

I said to God, "Then why do you go for walks with me?"

God said, "I need the exercise."

My life goal is to be the next Brooks Palmer.

Presents I Got for Christmas

Presents that I got for Christmas this year:

1. A rhino. Not stuffed but alive. So far it's just standing in my living room eating from a pile of hay. I'm being so quiet as to not incite it into ramming things with its big horn.

2. An Invisible Man Outfit. I already wore it this morning. I went shopping and no one noticed me. Though that's kind of the case normally.

3. A Hummingbird Egg Omelet Maker. I have to add 75 eggs to make an omelet. So far I have two eggs. I think I'll have to eat something else because I'm getting very hungry.

4. Chocolate Pants. They're a perfect fit and I don't eat chocolate so it works out well.

5. A photo of God. God is sitting on the couch watching TV. I think it's I Love Lucy. That's a pretty good show.

6. A 20 pound bar of gold. I'm going to use it as a door stop. My previous one wasn't heavy enough and the door kept shutting.

7. A signed photo of President Obama. He wrote, "I hope you like this picture. Everyone seems to be upset at me these days, so it would be nice to know there's one happy person."

Gratitude

It helps to be grateful for the little things...if you can find them.

This

I happen to notice how well you.

New Workshop!

I'm starting the year out fresh by offering a How to Have Patience workshop. It only costs $500. Register now!

The course date is January, 23, 2025.