Conversation

God and I were enjoying ice cream outside Baskin and Robbins Ice Cream Parlor.

I said, "God, I feel like I was born with a million dollars, but I've made a lot of bad purchases during my life time.

God said, "And...?"

I said, "I wish I'd made better purchases."

God said, "Why are you telling me this?"

I said, "Because I figured you're upset at me."

God said, "If you realized how much I actually think about you, then you'd be upset."

Lunch

I was hungry, but I was out of money. So I went into a dumpster behind the Jewel grocery store in search for food. 

That's when I ran into the raccoon. 

We fought over an old cantaloupe. It ended up breaking open and we got cantaloupe all over each other. 

The raccoon started licking the cantaloupe off of me. It tickled and I couldn't stop laughing.

Sun

I was walking along the lake. 

The Sun came down from the sky and walked alongside me. 

I said I was worried about getting a bad sun burn. The Sun said that it was looking out for me by holding back the majority of its rays. 

I asked how come the Sun was being so nice to me. 

The Sun said, "If you find a hundred dollar bill on the ground, you don't ask why. You pick it up and put it in your pocket."

New Place

I got tired of my house. I put a free sign on the door. I walked to find my next place. 

I came upon an ant hill. I knocked. 

An ant came out and and said, "Yes?" 

I asked if I could live there. I pointed out that I had no stuff and wouldn't take up much space. 

The ant said, "Let me check with my housemates." 

The ant went in. I waited. 

The ant, and about seventy other ants, came out and looked at me. 

I took out a cookie from my back pocket. I crumble spread it on the ground. The ants excitedly gathered it up. 

The main ant said, "You're in."

Stream

I took a walk along the stream.

I noticed a leaf fall from a tree and land on the water. The leaf rose, fell, and rose on the current.

I felt badly for the leaf and jumped into the stream to save it. The water was freezing and my shoes got soaked.

I ran after the leaf. I tripped over some rocks. I fell in the stream and got drenched. But I was able to grab the leaf.

I got out of the water and lay on the stream's bank.

I put the leaf on my chest and felt the sun warm us.

Mole

I got a pet mole. 

I dug a hole in my backyard, pointed towards it, and said to the mole, "Mole, this is your new home." 

The mole looked at the hole, then back at me. The mole said, "Listen, my name is Tad. And I'm tired of living in dirt. I want to live with you in the house." 

I said, "Sorry, I didn't know your name was Tad." 

Tad the mole said, "Well, you never asked." 

I said that I was sorry. There was some tense silence. 

I wondered why I ever thought that having a pet would be a relaxing experience.

Gold!

I saw a rainbow! I couldn't believe my luck. 

I drove my car to the end of the rainbow. There was a pot of gold. I thought it was the best day of my life. I loaded the pot of gold into the trunk of my car. 

I drove my car to the 'Sell Us Your Gold' Store.' I went in, brought the owner out to my car, and opened my trunk. 

The owner said I was going to be a rich man. I concurred. 

I picked up the pot of gold. The owner remarked that it should be too heavy to lift. He grabbed a gold coin, unwrapped what turned out to be gold tin foil, and revealed a chocolate coin. 

I fell to the ground and cried. 

The owner said, "But it's chocolate!" 

I said he was right, and we spent the rest of the day happily eating all of the coins.

Dalai Lama

I visited the Dalai Lama at his apartment. He was on his computer. 

He got irritated and said, "Goddamn fuckin' piece of shit!!" He actually punched his computer. 

I suggested he take a break. 

The Dalai Lama said, "What are you even doing here?!" 

I said that he called and invited me over. 

The Dalai Lama smiled and said, "Oh, yeah, I forgot." 

That smile wins me over every time.

Laying Out on the Grass

I laid out on the grass, staring at the sky with God. 

I told God that I worry about what others think of me. 

God said, "But no one is thinking about you." 

I asked God if he thinks of me. 

God said, "What's your name again?"

Winston

I went for a stroll along the lake when I came upon the ghost of Winston Churchill coming the other way. 

I caught his eye and nodded and he nodded back. 

But I didn't say anything because I'm shy and afraid of dead celebrities. 

As he went past me down the beach, I stepped in the footprints he left behind. I thought to myself, "Oh, my God, I'm standing in the footsteps of the ghost of Winston Churchill!"

Motor-boat

I went on the motor-boat ride with God at Disney-world. I told God I wanted to be the steerer. 

He said, "Okay." 

We came to the first turn, I turned right, the boat went right. I noted that I was a pretty good driver. 

God said, "Yep." 

Then there was a turn to the left. I turned left. I said to God, "Did you see that?" 

God said, "I did." 

Then we came to a crossroads where there was a turn to the left and right. I steered left. The boat went right. I got angry. 

God said, "I never get tired of this."