Change

I was skating on the ice, when it cracked and I fell through into the icy water below. 

When I reached the bottom of the lake, I was face to face with a trout. I had a strange sensation that we knew each other. 

I felt my skin fall away, revealing my scaly surface. 

The trout said, "You're late."

Alternatives

If you spend your life trying to jam your ideas down other people’s throats and it’s not working, it’s good to know there are other entrances.

Early Present

My Christmas tree said, "Okay, I decided what I want for Christmas." 

I said go ahead. 

My Christmas tree said, "I want to be replanted back in the forest." 

I said okay. I tied the tree to the top of my car, drove out to the woods, dug a hole in the ground and replanted the tree. 

As I walked back to my car, the tree said, "Where are you going?"

Opps, part 15

Santa came by today, exhausted and edgy. I suggested he take a nap. 

He's sleeping now. 

As a joke, I just put his hand in a cup of warm water. 

Oh, but wait, he's sleeping in my bed!

Literally

I took my time machine back to 1849 Baltimore and the home of Edgar Allen Poe. 

Poe was at the sink, washing dishes. 

I asked if I could help. I wanted to give back.

Get Away

I got on a flight to Paris and I fell asleep. 

When I woke up the plane was parked in a hangar. It was dark, there was no one around me. 

I thought, "Wow, Paris is great!"

Unchanged

I died and went to heaven. 

Nothing was different there. I had to get a job and an apartment. I had to cook my own food. I often didn't get what I wanted. 

I ran into God and said that I was frustrated with my experience. 

God said, "How would you do it differently?" 

I said that I would live peacefully floating around all day on a cloud. 

God said, "Okay." 

I was suddenly floating on a cloud. I was comfortable. Then it started to rain.

High

This is one of my cartoons in the recently released Chinese version of my book, Clutter Busting Your Life. The balloon says, "I'm scared of heights." The person holding the balloon says, "It's not that bad."

Mysterious Ways

The ghost of Nelson Mandela appeared in my living room. 

I said, "Oh, no." 

 Nelson Mandela's ghost said, "What's wrong?" 

I said, "Now that you've shown up, I'll have to write about this in my blog and people will think I'm making fun of you." 

The ghost of Nelson Mandela said, "Sometimes life puts us in uncomfortable positions."

OW

I went to the wishing well. I tossed in a quarter.

The wishing well yelled, "OW!"

I said that I was sorry, I didn't mean to hurt it.

The wishing well said, "Be a little more careful next time."

I felt like an idiot and went home.

Not long after there was a knock at the door. It was the wishing well.

The wishing well said, "Why did you leave so suddenly?"

I said I felt badly.

The wishing well said, "Dude, you're too sensitive."

Roll With It

I went bowling. I was throwing only gutter balls. 

People at the next lane started laughing at me. Soon there was a crowd howling at each successive gutter ball. 

I rolled my final ball. It stopped short of the pins. 

Everyone was silent.

This Is Your Song

I saw Elton John in concert last night. 

During Tiny Dancer he forgot the words, I offered to come up on stage and finish the song. Elton said okay. 

I climbed up on stage and sat down at the piano. I looked out at the audience and froze. 

Elton whispered in my ear that it wasn't as easy as it looks.

Gratitude

I got up early and went for my annual thanksgiving walk in the woods behind my house. 

I felt grateful for my health, my family and my career. 

Just then I stepped in a bear trap. It hurt terribly. I tried to pull it off, but couldn't. Eventually the hunters who set the trap wandered by. They apologized and set me free. 

I was thankful.

Obligation

There are 213 turkeys hiding out in my basement. They've been there for a week. I can't believe I agreed to help them out.

Motivation

I had lunch with the ghost of Walt Disney. Walt said, "You need to think big. Life can't just be about getting a handful of likes on facebook." 

I said that I was born without ambition and am overwhelmed easily. 

The ghost of Walt said, "Life is wasted on the living."

Size

I'm just a spec in the universe. Sometimes though I end up in the eye of God and get some attention.

Lunch

I put everything I've done into a pot. I cooked it for two hours and it burned. 

I threw it out and figured I'd wait until I did some more things.

you do what you can

Sometimes I stay up past one in the morning. I go down to the lake. The lake has a hard time sleeping. So the lake is happy to see me.

Lou

I went for a walk with the ghost of Lou Reed. I said I like him, but I don't know many of his songs. 

Lou Reed said he liked me even though he never saw me wait tables.

How It Came About

I cracked open an egg and a baby chick popped out. 

She said, "What's for breakfast?" 

I took her out for pancakes.

I went to the wishing well. I stripped down, climbed in, and took out a bar of soap.

Put in Perspective

I took a stroll across the White House lawn with President Obama.

While Obama looked away for a second, I picked my nose. He looked back to catch me in mid-pick. I was embarrassed and apologized.

President Obama said not to worry, that everyone picks their nose, even him. He said it's natural because the holes in our nose are finger-sized.

Flying

I got on an airplane. I brought my pet rhino Claudius. I had the aisle seat, Claudius had the middle seat. 

Claudius has a tiny bladder and had to get up and use the restroom often. After the fifteenth time getting up, I got angry at Claudius. Claudius' feelings were hurt. 

The undercover TSA agent asked me to apologize.

Filled

I dug a three foot hole in my backyard. I didn't know what to do with the hole and left it empty.

The next day it rained. The hole filled up with water. A family of ducks moved in.

I went outside and brought the ducks some bread crumbs. They thanked me.

I jumped in the pond with the ducks and made quacking sounds.

Learning

I took my pet snail Simon for a walk. It teaches me patience. 

Not because he walks so slowly. But when he talks he takes so long to get to the point.

Life springs from the Universal Turd. We all need the fertilizer.

Reunion

I ran into some of my old thoughts. They were, "Oh, I love Oreos! I can't get enough of them!"

 

I apologized because I no longer eat sweets. 

 

The thoughts said not to worry, it was just nice to see me.

Beginner

Hey, today is my first time as a Wednesday. I'm worried that I'm gonna suck. Can you please hold my hand throughout the day? Thanks!

Inventory

I assembled all my pets in the living room, Vic the Cheetah, Ollie the Skunk, Chaz the Rhino, and Bill my cat. 

The meeting was to discuss the disappearance of Sally the Ant. 

Chaz the Rhino lifted her foot and lo and behold there was a flattened Sally. 

Jesus

I sat on the rocks by the lake today with the ghost of Jesus. 

I said, "When you were a carpenter, did you take off Labor Day?"

Listening

I was playing my guitar when it stopped mid-song and told me that it wanted to go back to being a tree.

I want my guitar to be happy, so I dug a hole in my backyard and put the tuning end in the ground and packed dirt around it.

Yesterday a branch appeared from the guitar's body. There was the tiniest blossom.

It Helps to Ask

I had tea with David Bowie at his home.

I said, "I like birds. Do you like birds?"

David Bowie said, "Yes, I do like birds."

We sat quietly for a while.

Just then a duck flew by the window. David Bowie got up quickly, grabbed a rifle from his gun cabinet, opened the window, took aim, and shot the duck. The duck landed in the back yard.

David Bowie whistled for his dog, Homer. Homer ran into the room, jumped out the window and retrieved the duck. David Bowie had his butler bring the duck to the kitchen and prepare it for lunch.

Unforgetable

I went for a walk with the ghost of singer Nat King Cole. 

I asked if now that he's dead if he ever feels sad. He said yes. 

He said though yesterday he was haunting someone's house and came upon a marshmallow. He said he never felt so happy.

If You Give It Some Time

A cloud appeared outside my apartment window. The cloud asked if I would like to go for a ride. I said yes. I climbed out my window and got on the cloud.

The cloud took me over the city. Soon the cloud went out over the sea. Eventually the cloud reached a cruise ship. I asked the cloud to let me off. The cloud stopped and I got off onto the ship.

I walked around the deck. One of the crew told me that dinner was being served and pointed me towards the dinning hall. I went to the hall, got a plate of food, sat down, and enjoyed the meal. 

Afterwards a band began to play. I wanted to dance but didn't know anyone on the ship to dance with. I looked over to another table and saw the cloud that originally brought me. The cloud nodded at me. I nodded back. I mouthed, "Would you like to dance?"

A Lift

I hitchhiked a ride from a turtle. The turtle was driving an Eldorado convertible. 

The turtle asked me where I was going. 

I said to the creek. 

The turtle said, "Me too!"

Why I Was So Tired

I stood on the end of the pier looking into the ocean.

A whale came up to the surface and asked if I wanted to go for a ride.

I said okay. I jumped off the pier and onto the whale's back. The whale swam away from the pier.

I stayed dry as the whale swam for hours.

The whale eventually returned to the pier. Some people on the pier formed a human chain and helped me get off the whale and back up onto the pier.

I thanked the whale for the ride. The whale said I was welcome and swam into the ocean.

I went home and fell asleep early.

Unfolding

I went to the wishing well.

I said that I was weary and distraught and didn't know what to do. The wishing well said that I needed a nap.

I laid down on the ground and closed my eyes. Some people in line behind me got angry. I fell asleep.

When I woke up I felt better.

I noticed some people in line were still angry with me. I got secretly excited they would mention me when it was their turn at the wishing well!

Of Course

I picked up a hitchhiking armadillo.

I asked the armadillo where it was heading. The armadillo said it was trying to catch a matinee. I asked what it was going to see. The armadillo said Iron Man 3. I said I hadn't seen it yet.

There was an awkward silence.

Then we made out.

Pond

I cried all day long.

The crappy thing was I cried in my car and the water had pooled to my chest.

My breathing caused waves in the water and the waves rocked the car from side-to-side.

Crickets that has been living in my car came out of hiding and began riding the waves. One used an old popsicle stick. Another cricket rode a business card. Still another bogey-boarded a sandwich bag.

I got inspired and dove underwater. It felt good to get my head wet.

What It Took

Last night I dreamt I was Ted Nugent.

I was singing Cat Scratch Fever onstage to 12,000 people at the Rosemont Horizon.

But I felt unfulfilled.

Until I looked offstage and saw my puppy.

Chalmers

I have a pet shark named Chalmers. He lives in a 500,000 gallon tank in my living room.

Every morning I get into the tank and take a swim with Chalmers.

This morning Chalmers confessed said that he wanted to eat me but doesn't because there would be no one left to feed him and he would starve to death.

I revealed to Chalmers my appetite for shark fin soup. I said that I refrain from cooking and eating Chalmers by ordering the shark fin soup over at the House of Fortune restaurant everyday for lunch.

Chalmers put his side fin in my hand. I gripped Chalmers fin.

A Positive

I did a week long temp job at Monsanto. 

Everything they served in the employee cafeteria was organic. 

That was great because it saved me from having to bring in my own specially made healthy lunches!

Mixed Bag

I moved to the planet Mercury. I wanted to live on a planet with plenty of space. No one else lived there. Plus there are no buildings. There are also no mountains or craters. The planet Mercury is a perfect sphere.

For the first few weeks I was uninhibited. I skipped around freely, singing out made-up songs. I never looked where I was going. I was brimming with energy. I didn't realize how much energy I had been using up back on Earth to try and avoid running into other people or their things.

I decided to do a walking lap around Mercury. I took two steps and was exhausted and had to sit down. I was puzzled as to what had happened. Then I realized that because there was no change of scenery, I had done the entire lap around the planet but was unaware of the passage of time.

Up in the Air

I am friends with a sequoia tree named Redmond.

Sometimes Redmond and I hang out together in the forest. Other times Redmond comes out to the city to visit me.

Last weekend, Redmond and I went to the drive-in movie theater. We saw a movie called Hotel Sitter. It was about a man who sits on the roofs of hotels. The main character enjoys being high up in the air looking out at all things around him. He chooses hotels because they have easier roof access.

I asked Redmond what he liked about the movie. Redmond said he liked spending time with me.

I said to Redmond that I liked spending time with him too. But I wanted to know what he liked about spending time with me so I could make sure to do that thing.

Redmond reiterated that he liked to spend time with me. I repeated that I liked our time together too, but what did he like specifically.

Redmond said he figured out why he lives so much longer than humans.

Right

I woke to the sounds of yelling and shouting coming from the night sky.

I stuck my head out the window to find the Sun and the Moon having a vicious argument.

The Sun was accusing the Moon of stealing its light at night and claiming to be the source of all Light. The Moon was saying that the Sun muscles its way into everything and refuses to share the space.

I yelled at them to stop. The Sun and the Moon were silent.

I said being right comes at a cost worth more than the product itself.

The Sun and Moon said I was right.

I said goodnight and went back inside.

My dog Rexy looked up from her doggie bed and asked, "How does it feel to be right?"

I said, "Better than life itself."

Otherwise

I took my time machine back to Ford's Theater the evening of April 16th, 1865. I bought a ticket and went in.

I found John Wilkes Booth as he was moving stealthily down the hall towards the box seats where President Lincoln and his wife were sitting.

I stopped Booth and asked him if he could help me find my seat. Booth was distracted but took a look at my ticket and said my seat was down on the main floor. I said that couldn't be right, I paid for a box seat. Booth was adamant that my ticket was for a floor seat. I asked if he was inferring that I was a liar. Booth said that he was most certainly not but that I was greatly mistaken.

I apologized for losing my temper. I said that I'd been under a lot of pressure lately. A lot of things had been turning out in a way I wish they hadn't. I had no right to take it out on someone else.

Booth said there was no need to apologize. He said, "The world has a way of making us weary and silencing our better angels."

Sleep

I couldn't sleep. I got out of bed and went out the sliding door to the backyard.

I climbed the tree to the squirrel's nest, got in, and spooned the squirrel. I was asleep in seconds.

The next morning, I woke up and came down the tree. The squirrel was already up and out in the yard, looking for nuts.

I waved at the squirrel. The squirrel waved its little furry paw back at me.

Slot

I went to the casino. I put a dollar in a slot machine. I lost. I was depressed.

The slot machine said, "Duder, really, it only takes a dollar?"

I said yes.

The slot machine looked around and then gave me my dollar back. I thanked the slot machine and put the dollar back in. I lost. I was more depressed.

The slot machine said, "I could do this all day."

Temp

I got a temp job as a Supreme Court justice. 

We heard people arguing for and against same-sex marriage. 

I had a hard time understanding the legal terms and fell asleep. 

It didn't help that we had to wear those robes. It's like wearing a blanket.

What the

I sat on the back porch feeling sad and mopey.

The sunlight cascaded across the lawn and onto my feet. But I stayed dour.

The sunlight lept up onto my head. This made me mad because the sunlight was in my eyes.

I stomped into the house and pulled the curtains.

The phone rang. I answered.

The Sun said, "What was that bullshit?!"

I said, "I was just about to say the same thing!"

I Ask

Sometimes I go to the bank. I ask them if I can count their money.

They say maybe tomorrow because they can see my fingers are covered in honey.

time to go

I felt the snap, pop and crackle of imminent time travel as I did the dishes. I set down the plate in the sink.

Last time I time-traveled, I was doing dishes and brought a Superman plate with me and ended up in early Mespotania, 692 BC and left the plate there. I really liked that plate.

The sink faded away and I fell back in time. I traveled through the time-time tubes and landed inside of a moving covered wagon.

There were pots and pans, suitcases and clothes, gadgets, and other various sundries. I managed my way to the front. I looked out and saw desert and a long road. There was a man out front, steering his horses. I was glad. I'd been spending too much time inside lately.

I asked if I could join him. He said he'd appreciate the pleasure of my company. I think before there were TV, movies, internet, phones, airplanes, asphalt, and mass-produced books there were just people and horses and places to live. A person was an electrifying thing.

I asked the man where he was going. He said San Francisco. I asked where we were. He said on the outskirts of Wyoming. He said we'd be on the coast in just four months. I said that might be pushing it.

Some Assembly Required

I woke up as a to-be-assembled kitchen table at Ikea. In a few hours, I was purchased by a family.

The family brought me home and assembled me in their kitchen so that I was a fully formed table.

Tonight the family had dinner on me.

Half-way through the meal I couldn't keep quiet anymore and told them about my experience.

The family was stunned.

I asked not be treated as odd. I asked if they could treat me like a guest in their home. They said they could do that.

Later on, the family put me table-top side down on the sofa bed in the living room. They made sure I was warm enough under the sheets and comforter. We exchanged pleasant good-nights.

As I lay there, the loneliness that had been part of my life for so long life lifted. I was part of a family. My heart felt free.

Flow

I died and went to Heaven.

I was invited in and given a cloud.

I laid on my cloud and fell asleep. I couldn't sleep long and woke up groggy when the sun shone on my face. 

Then I was told it was time for me to go to work. I had to assemble harps. It was an exhausting eight-hour shift. I was angry that I still had to work.

Then I had to use the bathroom. I couldn't find one. I had to ask around. I almost didn't make it in time.

When I came out of the bathroom I ran into God. I said that I was feeling upset that being dead was just like being alive.

God said that I was often upset about things when I was alive too, so it made sense.

In a Field

I walked along through the poppy field with the ghost of famous painter Claude Monet.

I asked if he wished if he were alive so he could paint this field.

The ghost of Monet said it was like a mild distant hunger.

I said that I'm really good at crumpling paper and tossing it across the room into a trash can. But since I do most of my writing on computer, I rarely get the the chance to make that shot.

Reverse

I went to the wishing well. I tossed in a quarter.

The wishing well said, "What do you want?"

I said, "What do you want?"

There was silence.

Then I heard a bubbling sound. The water from the well rose up and flowed over the top. It kept flowing until a lake was formed. Then it stopped.

By then I was standing on a hill overlooking the lake. 

I said, "It's nice to see you."

The lake said, "It's nice to see you too."

Ring of Fire

My parents got Johnny Cash for my fifth birthday party. He brought his guitar and sang Ring of Fire.

I started to cry when he sang, "I fell in to a burning ring of fire, I went down, down, down and the flames went higher."

Johnny Cash stopped singing and said that he wasn't really on fire.

I asked my dad if it wasn't too late to get a clown. 

Johnny Cash said he had the wig and make-up out in his car.

Making the Most of Things

I took a stroll along the beach with the ghost of movie star Clark Gable.

We came upon a sand dollar.

The ghost of Clark Gable said that he would happily give up all his memories of being a movie star if he could come back to life as that sand dollar.

Suddenly the ghost of Clark Gable fluttered like a hazy TV signal and then zipped into the body of the sand dollar.

Clark/sand dollar let out a Woo-hoo!

Just then a sandpiper flew down to the sand dollar, stuck its beak in, and slurped down the contents.

I picked up the sand dollar and flicked it across the water. It skipped nine times!

Drone

I had a drink at a bar with a drone military aircraft. 

The drone was feeling guilty about the people it killed. I said it didn't kill anyone. An unseen force programmed all its actions. 

The drone said that we can't avoid responsibility through mindless spiritualism. 

I called my friend who programs flies drones for the military. I put him on the phone with the drone. The drone's mouth dropped open.

Revelation

I was walking through the woods when I came upon a bear. 

The bear asked if I had a gun. I said no. I asked the bear if it was going to eat me. The bear said no. 

The bear said, "Just another fun day in the woods!"

Lake

I was out fishing in the lake when I was visited by the ghost of the 14th President of the United States, Franklin Pierce.

The ghost of Pierce said, "While President, during my most stressful and trying periods, I would take a boat out to the lake, and be calmed by its gentle natures."

I said that I mostly really like fish.

The ghost of Pierce said, "A man must know what he wants so he can refuse what he doesn't."

I said that my girlfriend really hates fish. She likes burgers. She tried to get me to eat burgers instead. A few times we almost broke up because of my refusals.

This Too Shall Pass

I reached into my pocket for some change and ran into a hand.

I pulled my hand out right away. I pulled my pocket open and looked to see what was going on in there.

I saw someone on the other end of the pocket, pulling that end open and looking at me.

I said, "Excuse me, what are you doing in my pocket?"

The other person said, "But this is my pocket!"

I suggested we both close our pockets and wait a minute. Then we would open our pockets and see if we each got our pockets back. The other person agreed. I closed my pocket and waited.

Comfortable

I sat on the couch with my dog Rexy. Rexy said, "We never go anywhere anymore."

I got up off the couch, put Rexy on her leash, and left the house. We got in the car and drove to the airport. We got on a flight to Istanbul. We arrived 18 hours later. We took a cab to a motel. We went to the room and sat on the bed.

Rexy said, "This is a lot like being back home."

I pet Rexy's head. I said, "It's nice, isn't it?"

Retuned

My guitar fell apart. I tried gluing it back together. My guitar asked if instead it could be used for kindling. My guitar wanted to experience turning into fire.

I accepted its request and tossed the pieces of guitar into the fireplace. I struck a match and held the flame under the guitar wood. The guitar shouted, "Owwwwww! Owwww! Owwww!"

I said, "Sorry. I'll get the glue again."

The guitar said, "Thanks."

Snow

The snow fell for a third day in a row. 

I went outside and asked the snow if it could land somewhere else. The snow began to cry and said that it was tired and needed to rest. I apologized, put a blanket over the snow, and sang it a lullaby until it fell asleep. 

It was an electric blanket.

My Intention

I was walking through the woods when I came upon an elk. The elk asked if I wanted a beer. I said yes. The elk gave me a can of Rolling Rock. Normally I don't care for Rolling Rock, but it was being given to me by an elk!

The elk asked me to what did he owe this honor or my company. It's hard to not feel good when someone is cordial with me. It doesn't give me the chance to think badly of them.

I said to the elk that I like to get away and walk by myself through the woods. The elk asked if I'd rather be alone. I said no, that it was okay.

Deep down I did want to be by myself. I's hard for me to not over-consider others feelings. That's the reason I came out to the woods. But sometimes the world is in the woods.

Oh

I had tea with God.

I asked God if it was true that he only gives me what I can handle.

God said, "What's your name again?"

The Progression

My car ran out of gas on the freeway. I got out and walked. 

Eventually a horse came alongside me and asked if I needed a ride. I said no, but I could use a walking buddy. The horse said okay. 

We talked a lot about hay.

Balance

The world is full of assholes. Everyone gets their chance.

Trying

I've been trying to write something interesting, but nothing has been coming up.

My dog Rexy said, "Why don't you just lay off?"

I said that I would like to, but the impulse to write keeps coming.

My dog Rexy said, "Okay, I'm just going to sit over here and lick my balls."

Straight-forward

I was feeling sad and got a popsicle to cheer me up. 

 

The popsicle said, "Your fortune is my misfortune." 

 

I said that I can't be blamed for its career choice.

Nice

I inherited Mt. Rushmore.

I moved into Lincoln's nose. There was a condor already living in there. I said it could stay. The condor thanked me and said I could share its nest.

You don't see that kind of generous sincerity much anymore.

It's Not Important

The Moon came to visit me and we went for a walk. The Moon has person-sized legs and feet.

I asked the Moon how it could support itself with such tiny legs and feet.

The Moon said it didn't know.

I'm worried that nothing's wrong.

Sick

I wasn't feeling well. I took the day off and stayed in bed.

I laid there and sweat. I had a lot of miserable thoughts.

At some point, my bed asked how much longer I would be. My bed was used to having the day time off.

I explained the situation. My bed made one of those, "uggghhhh" sounds.

The Way

Picture your success. Really vividly. Visualize getting exactly what you want, and act as if you're already there. 

Then go back to bed. It's such a nice bed. Why would you ever think of leaving it?

Prevention

I was having dinner by myself when 85 year-old me showed up in a time-travel machine.

85 year-old me said he was reminiscing about how great it used to be to be 51 years old, and just couldn't resist the visit.

I asked the older me if he would like me to heat up a Hungry-Man Salisbury Steak dinner in the microwave.

85 year-old me said he made a grave error about the past and needed to leave right away. And like that he was gone. 

I didn't have a Hungry-Man Salisbury Steak dinner to heat up. I said that because I knew I greatly dislike that particular meal, and saying it would get the older me to clear out.

The Reason Why

I was walking through the deep woods when I came upon a deer.

The deer said, "Hi, my name is Qualm, the magic deer."

I said, "Hi, Qualm, I'm Broo-"

The deer said, "No, it's Qualm, the magic deer."

I said, "I'm sorry, Qualm, the magic deer. I'm Brooks."

The deer said, "It's good to meet you."

I said, "Likewise. How are you magic?"

The deer said, "I'm not. It's just part of my name."

I said, "You must get asked that question a lot."

The deer said, "Yes, that's why I moved out to the woods."

Wrapped

I have a friend who is a mummy. He lives at a museum. I show up at night after the museum has closed and we go out and do things.

Recently we went to a bar. People thought my friend had been in a terrible accident. They bought him a lot of drinks. He got pretty drunk and couldn't stand up. I had to carry him outside to a cab. I brought him back to the museum, and then I went back home.

The next night I got a call from my mummy friend. He wanted to see if I'd like to hang out. I said that I was angry at him because he got so drunk and I ended up being his caretaker. My friend apologized.

We went out that night. For payback I made my friend take a personality test at the Scientology Center. 

Busted

Last night aliens landed their spaceship in my backyard. I was excited! I went out to meet and greet.

Three aliens came out of the spaceship and asked to use my restroom. They said the one on their ship was broken. I said okay, brought them into my home, and showed them the bathroom. The first alien went in, while the other two anxiously waited in the hallway.

After a minute, one of the aliens in the hallway knocked on the bathroom door and asked how much longer would it be. The alien in the bathroom got irritated and said just another moment.

A minute later, the first alien came out of the bathroom, while the second one ran in and closed the door. The third alien crossed its legs.

I said it sucked that their restroom was busted. The aliens agreed.

Empty

I was walking down the sidewalk when I heard a, "Pssssst" coming from my right. I looked around and saw nothing.

I heard, "No, duder, down here!"

I looked down and saw a hole.

I said, "What?"

The hole said, "Could you get this trash out of me?"

I said, "Sure." I reached down into the hole and took out some empty beer cans, a couple of pages of newspaper, and some cigarette butts.

The hole said, "Thanks."

I said, "No problem. Have a great one."

The hole said, "I already am."

Trying to Help

I was washing the dishes when I felt the snap, pop and crackle of spontaneous time-travel about to occur. My kitchen disappeared as I fell back through the time tubes.

After free-falling for a few minutes, I slipped out of the tubes and landed in a hotel room. I discovered an overweight, drunk and high John Belushi laying on the bed in his underwear.

Belushi sat up quickly and asked who I was. I said that I was Brooks. He said okay then got out some cocaine and asked me if I wanted some. I said no. I said that my dad is a doctor and that he said the best way to get high with coke was to rub it on the bottoms of your feet. Belushi trusted doctors and did as I said. The best thing about this was when he got off the bed and walked across the carpet and left the white foot prints.

It's Hard to Get Away from Everything

I needed to get away and drove out to the desert. I got out of my car and walked for about an hour. Finally I found a spot that felt peaceful.

Suddenly a helicopter appeared overhead. The helicopter landed and a group of men in suits got out. One of them came up to greet me, as the others formed a large circle around us.

The man who approached me was President Obama. He said he comes to this place in the desert when he really needs to get away. The people with him were secret service agents.

I said that this was my first time to this space. I blabbed that my life was I'm sure in no way as overwhelming as the President's. I joked that if I'd known he was coming, I would have worn a tie. I confessed that I didn't vote in the last election because I wasn't feeling that well. 

President Obama seemed to not hear what I said. He appeared fidgety. I got it that he didn't have the resources to take me in. I wished him well and walked back to my car.

Buchanan

I was relaxing in my living room when I was joined by the ghost of the 15th President of the United States, James Buchanan.

I said that I was honored. Actually I feel that way about everyone that visits me. I think it's called co-dependence.

The ghost of James Buchanan said, "It's good to be where one feels appreciated. When I held the high office of the Presidency, I was under constant abuse from the members of Congress. I can still hear their words clanging in my head like the mad cacophony of the devil's bells!"

I said that Mr. Buchanan was held in high-esteem as the greatest of the U.S. Presidents. I made that up too. I think I have a problem.

The ghost of James Buchanan had tears in his eyes. He said, "No news could make my heart swoon more!"

I said that none of us is truly appreciated while alive. When I was a lad, I spent so much of my time at school wearing the dunce cap, that my head became shaped like a cone.

The ghost of James Buchanan said, "I was curious as to the peculiar shape."

One Way of Seeing Things

I came upon a skeleton walking down the sidewalk. 

I asked what happened to its skin. 

The skeleton said, "I discovered it was covering up my authentic self."

Harbinger

A hawk alighted on the tree branch outside my window. 

I said, "What special message have you brought me?" 

The hawk said, "Dude, I'm tired."

Now What?

God and I took a stroll along the beach.

I said, "Sometimes I don't know what to do."

God said, "Me too."

I said, "Wait, but you're God."

God said, "I know."

How it Happened

I was walking through the woods when I came across a grizzly bear. 

He saw that I had a jar of honey and asked me for some. I gave it to the grizzly bear. 

He enjoyed it on some toast!

Greetings

Snow arrived in Chicago. 

I felt defiant and greeted it in my bathing suit. 

I even ran the sprinkler and jumped through it. But the water froze and I looked like I was tangled up in the strings of a giant harp.

Against My Will

I had lunch with the actor Eddie Murphy.

He seemed irritated. I asked why. He said that I only want to be friends with him because he's famous.

I said that his being famous is actually something I'm not interested in.

Eddie Murphy asked why then I was having lunch with him.

I said that I know very few people and my girlfriend is always pushing me to make new friends.

Inauguration

I watched the Obama Inauguration on TV with the ghost of Dr. Martin Luther King.

I asked Dr. King what he was feeling.

Dr. King couldn't believe how much better the overall picture quality was compared to TVs back in the 60s. 

Inevitable

I was at my friend Lance Armstrong's house. He looked so tired. 

I said he should take a nap. 

He asked what that was. 

I had him lay down on his couch. He said he had never done that before. I put a blanket over him. 

Lance fell asleep so fast that the skin around his temples and forehead warbled.

Oh, Well

My guru came to my house today. He was worried about me because I hadn't visited his cave to complain about my life in almost a month. 

I said that I figured whatever turd I stepped on in my life would soon be walked off after a day or two. 

My guru said I reached the final understanding. 

I said, "Whoop-de-doo."

Let Me Entertain You

I had tea with the ghost of singer Freddie Mercury. 

I said that I saw him twice in concert with Queen in the 70s and asked if he remembered me in the audience. 

He said no, the stage lights make it impossible to see audience member's faces. 

I confessed that I wish I didn't have such a strong need for acceptance. 

Freddie said, "Tell me about it."

Taking the Time

As I walked down the sidewalk I heard a, "Psssssst!" from the ground.

I looked down and saw a puddle. I said, "What?"

The puddle said, "How's it going?"

I said, "Good, but I don't have the time to hang out with you, puddle."

The puddle said, "Duder, you don't have the time to not hang out with me. I'll be evaporated in another hour."

I realized the puddle was right and I stomped and splashed around in it for a glorious few minutes.

Shiny

I got a pair of shiny pants for Christmas.

The shiny pants are made from a material that absorbs room light and then refracts it at 100 times the intensity.

The over-brightness bothers the other people in the room. They say it's like looking directly into the sun.

I suggest they look away.

The Light, The Heat

I was walking across the desert.

I came upon the singer Peter Gabriel sitting on a rock. Like a dummy I got really nervous and said, "I liked your So album."

Peter Gabriel compassionately, but I'm certain essentially with pity, said, "Why thank you." 

I continued my ineptitude by saying, "You're welcome."

And then I reached the depths of embarrassment by asking, "Can I take a picture of us with my iphone? Oh, Us, that was a good album too!"

Peter Gabriel said, "Thank you. Of course."

I stood next to Peter Gabriel, our shoulders touched, I'm sure he was thinking I smelled because I just don't have the finances for truly proper hygiene, and I blabbed, "Okay, 1, 2, 3!"

I said, "Thanks. I should go. Thanks. Thanks again."

Peter Gabriel said, "Don't mention it."

I walked away. After about fifty paces, I stopped and looked back. Peter Gabriel was gone. I realized it was all a mirage.

Then I got angry with myself that I didn't ask if we could sing a duet of In Your Eyes together.

Service

The ghost of writer Erma Bombeck came by while I was watering the plants.

She said that she missed doing the simple chores of life. I asked if she would like to finish watering my plants. She agreed.

When she was done, I got the ghost of Erma Bombeck to vacuum the upper floor of my house, clean the toilets, and scrub the kitchen sink. She was overjoyed.

The previous week, the ghost of General Ulysses S. Grant came by and dug a hole for a water surplus cistern in my backyard. He kept talking about how it was the best day of his life!

The Next Day

I had tea with David Bowie. He told me about his new record album, The Next Day.

He seemed kind of down as he talked. I asked him what was up. He said he always gets this way when releasing a new record album. He worries about how people will receive it.

I said that when I was a kid, I was always afraid to give my book report in front of the class because I was worried that the other kids might make fun of me. David asked if the other kids did chide me. I said that some of them did and that it made me sad.

David asked me if I was trying to make a point.

I said that I wasn't.

David said that if I wanted a copy of his new album that I would have to pay for it.

The Afternoon

A bear was passing through my backyard with her cubs. 

I came out to say hello. I pet the cubs on the head. We all rolled around and wrestled on the ground. 

I invited the bear family in for some honey. 

Then we all watched Downton Abbey and got groggy and fell asleep for five months.

Heavenly

I met an angel in my backyard.

I asked the angel why the visit. The angel said it just happened to be walking through my backyard.

I said that our meeting was auspicious. The angel said it was mere coincidence.

I said that each person in a situation sees things from a different angle.

The angel said I was making more of the meeting than it was.

I said the angel needed to say that to diminish my ego for greater spiritual growth.

The angel said that I should go to hell and stomped off.

I went inside my house and emailed all my friends at the Satnam center about the encounter. They said hell stands for Higher Elevated Learning Land. 

It's Impossible to Be Alone

I was shoveling the snow when the ghost of writer John Steinbeck came by for a visit.

He was wearing a loose-fitting suit. Ghosts don't get cold, or affected by the weather in any way. I think that's why they are always out, wandering around, bugging people.

John Steinbeck said, "You can see the character of a man by the way he does a chore. I can see by the way that you shovel, that that you are slovenly and lazy. But I also detect that you see these as admirable qualities."

Back in the 1930's, you had to speak astutely with discernment in order to not be killed by drifters.

Waiting

I waited for the bus. 

A deer came by and asked how long I'd been waiting. I said a half hour. 

The deer said that I could continue wasting my time or I could ride the deer to the land of milk and honey. 

I chose the deer because that's where I was looking to get anyway.

My Tree

I have yet to take down my Christmas tree.

I have a fake Christmas tree. It doesn't much look real. It's missing some of its limbs. It's bent in a strange way.

Sometimes people driving by my home, see through the window, notice my feeble tree, and will honk and say disparaging things.

I tell my fake Christmas tree, "They see themselves in you. It makes them uncomfortable."

My fake Christmas tree doesn't say anything. I think it's Enlightened.