Change of Seasons

I found Winter drunk on the barroom floor. I helped Winter back up on a stool.

I asked what was going on. Winter told me that it's supposed to start its job in less than a month, but it was depressed because so many people despise its presence.

I asked Winter if it could do anything else. Winter said it was thinking of getting into musical theater, and then sang Tomorrow from Annie.

I couldn't decide which would be worse.

Birch

I was eating at my dining table when the birch-wood it was made from woke up.

The table said, "What the hell is this?"

I said, "You used to be a tree, but now you're a table."

The table said, "This sucks!"

I said, "Do you want me to bring you back to the forest?"

The table said, "What good is that going to do me?!!"

There was some awkward silence. 

I said, "I'm sorry. I don't know what to say."

The table said, "I apologize for getting upset at you. It's not your fault."

I said, "I like that you told me what you felt."

The table said, "I liked that you listened."

Out for a Walk

I went out for a walk with my pet mouse, Chaucer.

I said, "I'm so much taller than you, but when we talk, I feel like we are the same size."

Chaucer said, "I know, for some odd reason, I never worry that you'll step on me." 

Fouled

A chicken and turkey were hanging out in my backyard. I went out back to see what was up.

I said, "What you are guys talking about?"

The chicken said, "We were discussing how both the turkey and chicken breeds spent thousands of years evolving their physiology to a state of tastelessness so that we would one day eliminate ourselves from the food chain. Yet we still find ourselves being a popular menu item all due to the unforeseen invention of gravy and sauces."

Pet

I have a pet rock. It has been my friend since I was five. I tell my pet rock everything. It is a patient listener.

Yesterday my pet rock started talking. At first I listened because I figured it was the kind thing to do. But after a few minutes, I was distracted by all the things I wanted to say.

I tried interrupting my pet rock, but it kept talking. I thought my pet rock was being rude. Didn't it realize that I wasn't listening anymore?

Finally I had it and threw my pet rock out the window into the yard. What a relief!

But then I felt all the things I wanted to say well up, and there was no one to hear them.

I ran downstairs and outside. I went looking for my pet rock. I called out, "Pet rock, where are you?"

I spent hours in my search, but it was not to be.

I went in and laid on my bed and cried. I thought that it's time I grew up and learned to process my own feelings.

I heard a sound from the yard. I got up and looked out my window. I saw a raccoon holding my pet rock. The raccoon said, "I'm thinking of going to raid the Ogilvie's trash cans tonight. The last time they had cream cheese!"

Fowl

I was hiding turkeys in my basement. They were staying with me until the day after Thanksgiving.

I did this out of the goodness of my heart.

But I soon had regrets because the turkeys were so damn noisy. They spoke in high pitch throttles all the live long day.

I cracked and called the Hormel turkey processing plant, which is just down the road. The Hormel people thanked me saying they were short turkeys and sent a team over. They got the turkeys and my house was quiet again.

I was enjoying the solace in my easy chair when I heard a soft, "gobble-gobble." I looked over and saw a baby turkey walking around my living room floor. I called Hormel, but they said there's no market for turkey veal.

So, I let the baby turkey curl up on my lap and we watched some TV together. Tomorrow we're going to visit the zoo.

Birds

I like to watch birds. However none were flying into my backyard for me to observe.

So I took the necessary steps. I bought and set up a birdbath and bird-feeder in my backyard.

A week went by and no birds visited. I got depressed and curled up in the birdbath and ate handfuls of seed from the feeder.

A vulture landed on the bird-feeder.

The vulture said, "This is great. I'll be first in line."

Monticello

I inherited Thomas Jefferson's Monticello and moved in.

I liked the spaciousness, but I didn't care for the tours. I'm a late sleeper and tourists would come through my bedroom, often waking me up. 

On top of this, tourists would take my picture with their phones, and many said that I was a lame Jefferson impersonator. I explained that I was not trying to impersonate Jefferson, but that I lived there.

Someone would inevitably ask why I allowed the tours. I explained that I didn't like to work, and needed the income.

It's About Time

While feeding peanuts to the squirrels in the backyard, I heard the pop, snap, and crackle of time travel occurring. I dropped the bag of nuts, closed my eyes, and fell back into the time-tube tunnels.

I reappeared in a small twin-engine plane. The pilot was struggling to fly the plane in the midst of a winter storm. His passenger was clinging to his seat.

The passenger looked over at me. He said, "Are you an angel?"

I said, "No. But thanks for the compliment."

I recognized the passenger as the famous comedian Will Rogers.

Will Rogers said, "I'm curious how you found you way on board?"

I said, "I'm from the future. Listen, I read your biography. I think this is the flight that you crash and die in."

Will Rogers looked distraught. He paused, then smiled and said, "I guess no one likes to get the bill at the end of a bacchanal."

The pilot shouted, "We're gonna crash!"

Will Rogers and I grabbed each other. It's what guys do when they know they're going to die because it's the safest way for them to hug.

Suddenly I was in the quiet warmth of my backyard. I was still holding on to Will Rogers.

One of the squirrels was eating from the bag of nuts. The squirrel looked at us and said, "Get a room."

Stroll

I was taking a stroll by myself through the woods when I came across the Eagles, the rock band that is. They were playing their instruments and singing the song, Desperado. I like that song, so I sat down on a fallen tree and listened.

When the Eagles finished singing, the drummer Don Henley asked me, "Do you have any requests?"

I said, "Do you know Blue Moon Breakdown?" They didn't. I said, "It's a song by Mel Sinclair from the 1920s. It goes like this:

Blue Moon
The way you shine your light on me,
Blue Moon
Illuminating everything like the deep blue sea

The Eagles picked up on the melody in my voice and backed me up.

When I was done I thanked the Eagles and went back to my stroll.

Down the path a bit, I came across the ghost of Mel Sinclair. Mel said, "Thanks for 'preciating my song in the special way you did back there, Sonny."

I said, "You're welcome, sir. Thanks for writing it!"

The ghost of Mel Sinclair said, "We do what we can, my friend. We do what we can."

Gum

When I was a kid I liked to chew gum. I put a stick of gum in my mouth when I woke up, and kept stoking the wad with fresh sticks all day long. Sometimes I would fall asleep at night with this big mass of gum in my mouth and chew while I slept.

I said very little during the day in order to maintain the chewing. I learned to communicate through nods, winks and utterances.

My gum proclivity caused me to have amazingly well-developed jaw muscles. I remember my first girlfriend, Karen Badget, hanging from my jaws during recess and singing, "I can see for miles, and miles and miles and miles and miles!"

Lincoln

I went for a walk with the ghost of President Lincoln. 

I asked if he'd seen the new movie about his life. Lincoln said he went to the movies Friday night, but skipped his film to see the new James Bond movie. 

He said it was good.

It Worked Out

My dictionary exploded. There were words all over the walls and floors. 

I tried putting them back in the dictionary, but I'm terrible at alphabetizing and it became a poorly written book. 

I gave the rearranged first edition to my neighbor Burt. 

Burt read it in two days and said it changed his life.

Relief

I took a trip to Transylvania. I'm a big fan of Bram Stoker's Dracula. I wandered all over the area for five nights hoping to find a vampire. But I had no luck.

I was depressed and wandered into a tavern called The Lorrystone. I sat down on a bench and had a stein of draught beer.

An elderly woman was sitting on the bench a few feet from me. I said to her that I was in search of vampires. She didn't speak English. So I bit my top teeth over my bottom lip, making a fang face, hoping to communicate. Her expression remained stoic.

I began to cry. It's hard not getting what I want. I'd had a lifetime of disappointment up to this moment, and it poured out of my eyes. The elderly woman sat quietly unchanged.

I poured the beer over my head as a way of trying to shake off the tears. I sat there, wet, cold and sad.

I remembered when I was five years old and I saw Dracula for the first time. The Bela Lugosi version. I was so scared I peed my pants.

The memory of that smell and wetness had a familiarity to this moment. I laid down and rested my head on the elderly woman's lap, the same thing I had done when I saw Dracula with my mother.

I fell asleep.

Sharing

I took a walk along Lake Michigan with newly elected President Obama.

I said, "When was the last time you slept?"

President Obama said, "Probably about a month ago."

I said, "Aren't you tired?"

President Obama said, "Yes."

I said, "I'm tired too."

President Obama said, "Why are you tired?"

I said, "Too much cheese."

So Beat

I found Mitt Romney asleep slumped over a table and a half-eaten burger at McDonald's. I figured he was beat from all the campaigning. 

I threw Mitt over my shoulder and put him in a cab. I rode with Mitt to a Holiday Inn. I got Mitt a room, tucked him in, turned out the light, and left quietly so he could get a decent sleep. 

It's the least I can do since I won't be voting for him today.

There's No Way Around It

While raking leaves I heard the snap, pop, and crackle of imminent time-travel. I let go of the rake. Last time I time-traveled, I was shoveling and held on to the shovel and traveled with the shovel and in all of the hullabaloo forgot to bring it back. Anyway, I really liked the rake.

I fell through the tubes of time with great ease. The first time I time-traveled, I was tense because I was freaking out. I tumbled and got some bruises.

This time around I casually fell back into time onto someone's front yard. A cocker spaniel dog came up to me and began licking my face. I heard a man shout, "Checkers, get off the man!"

The dog backed off and I was greeted by then Vice-Presidential nominee Richard Nixon. I was amazed at his timeless ability to always look old.

I stood up and shook hands with Nixon. He courteously said, "I'm Dick Nixon."

I said, "I'm Brooks Palmer."

Nixon said, "You're not from around here, are you?" 

I said, "No, I'm from the future."

Nixon looked at me for a while and then said, "The future's going to kick me in the pants, isn't it?" 

I said, "Yes. But it does to everyone."

Nixon's wife Pat came out the front door. Pat yelled, "Who is that, Dick?"

Nixon said, "It's a man from the future, honey."

Pat said, "What does he say is in store for us?"

Nixon said, "Nothing but blue skies, dear."

Pat said, "Oh, shit."

An Alternative

I was flying in my hang glider when a stork sidled up next to me.

The stork took out a packet of cigarettes and offered me one. I said I don't smoke. The stork lit a cigarette, drew in the smoke, blew out a ring, and flew through it.

I coughed and lost control of my glider. I crash landed in a giant oak tree.

As I hung precariously from a branch hundreds of feet in the air, I noticed an owl on the branch.

The owl, smoking a cigarette, nodded towards my totaled glider and said, "You might just want to stick with walking."