The Desert

I was driving across the desert when I ran out of gas.

I sat for a while, not wanting to believe my situation.

Just then I heard a tapping at the passenger window. It was an armadillo.

I leaned over and opened the car door and asked the armadillo what it wanted. The armadillo said, "I've never been in a car before, can I come in?" I said yes.

The armadillo sat in the passenger seat. We didn't say anything for a few minutes. Then we made out.

Armadillos don't have lips so it didn't feel all that good. But still I got some comfort from my difficult situation.

On the Lake

I sat out on a sail boat on the lake with God. We weren't going anywhere because the wind had died down.

I started feeling restless and asked God to create some wind so we could get moving.

God said, "With your mind and my power, we could really go places."

Waiting for the Train

This morning I waited for the train. An hour went by. Then two.

I got angry and started walking along the tracks.

Not long after, the train came by and slowed down to my pace. I was too upset at the train to acknowledge its presence.

The train apologized, saying its alarm busted and didn't go off. The train said if I hopped on, I could ride for free. It's hard to stay angry at anyone, so I got on.

As we rode down the tracks, I offered to buy the train a new alarm clock. The train started to cry.

I tried comforting the train by stroking the back of my seat. The train began to sob and almost went off the tracks!

What Happened by the Creek

I took some time off to sit by the creek. The water flowing past relaxed me. I lay down and fell asleep.

When I woke up, there was an ant sitting on my nose, looking sternly at me.

The ant said, "Excuse me, but you are laying on my home!"

I apologized, stood up, put the ant on my finger, and set it down on the ground.

The ant gave me the finger and went into the anthill.

My feelings were hurt.

I left, went to the pet store, and bought an aardvark. I came back, set the aardvark on the anthill, and waited.

Cheese

My cheese business went bankrupt after 26 successful years of serving the public. I had to lay off 785 employees. I lost my purpose in life. 

I sat in the middle of my empty cheese processing plant, feeling distraught. 

But then I remembered what Barney said, "If you're still alive, what do you have to complain about?" 

I opened the exit door to the alleyway and invited in a horde of rats. Then I opened the doors to the cheese fridges and said, "Have at it!" 

The rats ran into the fridges and gorged on cheese. 

One of the rats looked at me with tears in its eyes and said, "This is the greatest day of my life!"

Tonight's Show

Tonight I performed for 21,000 people at the United Center in Chicago. 

Throughout the show, I was troubled that people came just because of the monkey. 

That's the curse of being an organ grinder.

My Dog Rexy

My dog Rexy said, "That's it, I've had it" and went out the front door. 

I got online and looked up what new dogs were available at the pet shelter. I found a German Shepard. I went to the shelter to get the dog. 

While I walked past cages containing other dogs, I spotted Rexy. I stopped. We looked at each other. Rexy put his paw on the glass. 

Minutes later my dog Rexy and I were driving home in my car. 

My dog Rexy said, "I can't even remember what I was upset about." 

We laughed.

Seeking a Solution

I couldn't sleep. I got out my sleeping pills and took two. Nothing happened. 

I took two more pills, but to no avail. 

I took a handful. Nothing. 

There were no more pills left in the bottle. 

I was so angry with my doctor for not prescribing me a higher dosage.

Then I realized I had mistakenly been eating Tums and figured now was a great time to order a pizza.

Fishing

I fished at the water's edge hoping to catch breakfast.

A trout poked its head out of the water and said, “I wish you wouldn't do that. It’s dangerous for me. Plus I find it offensive."

I got up and walked back home.

When I got there, my wife said, "Any luck?"

I said, "No."

She could tell I was dejected.

She said, "Alright, who's up for pancakes?!!"

Gary Cooper

Today the ghost of actor Gary Cooper appeared in my car while I was driving to work. I'm naturally star-struck, so I didn't say anything. 

When I got to work, I left the ghost of Gary Cooper behind in my car and went into the building. 

An hour later, I looked out my window to the parking lot and saw the ghost of Gary Cooper still sitting in my car. 

I thought to myself that I wished I could one day be so peaceful that I could sit with nothing to do and be okay.

Fishing

I took a boat out on the lake, and tossed in a fishing line. I caught a fish. A blue gill was twisting away on the line. I unhooked its mouth. 

The fish said "I'll give you a $1000 if you let me go." 

I asked how the fish would get that kind of money. 

The fish said, "Never mind, just row your boat to that big rock over there. Underwater is a metal container. Inside is $1000." 

I set the fish down next to me on the boat, and rowed over to the rock. I reached down into the water and found the box. I took the box out, opened it up, and found the money. 

I thanked the fish. 

The fish said, "I knew there was a good reason for me to set that money aside."

Experience

I fell asleep on the train. 

I woke up in an empty and dark train car parked in the train yard. I pulled the emergency chord, the doors opened. 

I hopped out and walked through the quiet train yard. I climbed over a fence. 

I found a street, but I had no idea where I was at. I walked for a while. 

Eventually a car came by and slowed down to my walking speed. The window rolled down. 

The bear driving the car said, "I'm going up to the honey festival in Milwaukee. Do you want to come along?" 

I said yes and got in. I'd never been to a honey festival before.

Betsy

I took my time machine back to 1776 and Philadelphia. I got out and walked to Ackner's and Bickner's Upholstery and Sundries. I was met by employee Betsy Ross. 

I told her I was from the future and asked if I could see the first American flag. 

Betsy Ross said, "Sir, you are the 723rd gentleman this week to court me by time machine contraption. I will tell you as I've told them all, I know not of this flag you speak of. I'm am perplexed and vexed by this granditude of attention!" 

I apologized and said that I, as well as thousands of other men, had developed crushes on her ever since we saw an etching of her sewing in our second grade history books. 

I spent the week in a stockade.

The Sea

I got a job as a sailor. I shipped out on a delivery of popcorn kernels across the Atlantic to the Barbary Coast. 

 

At some point on the high seas we had an encounter with a giant squid. The beast's mighty arms held tightly to the hull of our boat and shook vigorously. 

 

A fire started on deck and the kernels popped and fell overboard. The giant squid ate the popcorn, got bloated, and released us. 

 

The captain told us because we lost our cargo, we wouldn't get paid. My co-workers got upset and mutinied. I was the only one who abstained. 

 

I was forced to get in a lifeboat with the captain. 

 

As the main boat pulled away from us, the captain shouted at the culprits, "I'll live to see you - all of you - hanging from the highest yardarm!" 

 

We sat quietly for a few moments. I noted that the waves were relaxing.