The Sun

I stared at the Sun. 

The Sun said, "Dude, seriously, cut it out, or you'll go blind." 

I said that I didn't believe that my friend the Sun would hurt me, and I kept on staring. 

The Sun shut off. Everything went black and it got really cold. 

I called out to the Sun to turn back on. The Sun stayed silent and off. 

My dog Rexy came up to me and said, "What did you do this time?"

Standing in Line

I stood in line at the unemployment office. Ahead of me was the singer David Byrne. 

I get ascared of celebrities. I think if I try and talk to them, they'll turn their high-octane dazzleness on me, and I'll be obliterated.

So I stayed quiet and looked at the floor. 

And then I thought, wow, if there wasn't ground, we would all be falling in space.

You matter to me. 

Oh, sorry, I thought you were me.

The Hat

I fell down the stairs today. 

That's because I tripped over Lincoln's actual stove pipe hat. I bought the hat last night at an auction to raise money for a local school. 

When I got home, I set the hat on the stairs, and went to bed. 

This morning I was coming down the stairs and tripped over the hat. 

I was upset as I fell down the stairs. But then when I stopped falling, I looked up from the bottom of the stairs at Lincoln's actual stove pipe hat, and I was happy.

Dickens

The ghost of Charles Dickens appeared in my living room. He immediately started talking about himself. 

At first I was amazed because it was Charles Dickens, and he was dead. But after a little while it's hard to listen to someone just talking about themselves. 

So I tried talking about myself. 

The ghost of Charles Dickens got upset and said, "What is that which you are doing?!" 

I said that I was trying to say what I had for lunch. 

The ghost of Charles Dickens said, "Oh that I could exchange the wealth of all my writings for the return of my abilities to once again, bite, chew, and taste."

A Little Time Away

I let people and things get to me. So I got in my car and drove for a while. 

About a week into driving I got to the north pole. It was an actual pole with a metal ball on top.

A polar bear was sitting on the ice, leaning against the pole. 

I was feeling better when I lowered my window and asked the polar bear if it would like to come back with me. The polar bear got in my car and we drove back home. 

Since we got back, people have been treating me much better.

Some Money

I saw a hundred-dollar-bill on the ground. I didn't pick it up.

The hundred-dollar-bill said, "Hey, what's the deal?!"

I said that I didn't need the money.

The hundred-dollar-bill began to cry. I picked up the hundred-dollar-bill, rocked it in my arms and said it was going to be okay.

The hundred-dollar-bill fell asleep in seconds.

This Morning

This morning I was bored and got out of my house and stood out in my front yard. When cars drove by I waved at the drivers. 

Eventually a truck carrying cattle was driving by. The driver saw me wave, pulled up to the curb, leaned out the window and said, "I normally never do this, but you seemed so friendly and all. Would you like a free cow?" 

I said, sure. 

The driver opened the back of his truck, brought me a cow, and then drove off. 

I said to the cow, "What would you like to do?" 

The cow said, "Actually, I'm kind of hungry. Do you mind if I eat your lawn?"

Rowboat

My rowboat got caught in a whirlpool. I tried as hard as I could to row my way out. But I got sucked down to the bottom of the lake.

I sat in my boat and looked around. A school of yellow fin perch suddenly swam a series of circles around me. I felt so special.

As I was blacking out I realized the whirlpool turned out to be a good thing.

Wishing Again

Today I went to the wishing well. I tossed in my quarter.

The wishing well said, "It's now ten dollars."

I said, "What?!"

The wishing well said, "My business consultant said I need to raise my rates."

I said I didn't have ten dollars.

The wishing well was silent.

I said that I wished I had ten dollars.

The wishing well said, "Dude, come on."

Last Night

I woke in the middle of the night. I couldn't get back to sleep. 

I got out of bed and sat in the dark on the sofa in the living room. 

I thought, "I wonder what it's like to sit on warm, wet dough?" 

I got up and went to the kitchen. I got out flour, water, and yeast and made some dough. I put the dough on a chair and sat on it. 

I relaxed, leaned forward on the dinning table, and fell asleep.

Sitting by the Lake

I sat by the lake and watched the sun go down. The moon rose up and took its place. 

I said, "Hey, moon, what's your favorite song?" 

The moon said, "What's a song?" 

I sang The Toodaloo Blues. 

The Moon began to dance across the night sky. It caused huge waves to rise on the lake. 

A carp got thrown from the water and landed on the ground next to me. 

The carp said, "Dude, what the fuck?"

The Raven

I was having tea with the Raven. 

I said I was feeling some doubts. 

The Raven asked about what. 

I said I didn't know. 

The Raven said, "Whenever I feel uncertain, I go out to the lawn and look for worms." 

The Raven and I went outside to the yard and looked for worms. After about a few minutes, I told the Raven I was feeling better. 

The Raven said, "See."

The Toad

I was walking down a lonely road when I came upon a toad. 

The toad asked where I was heading. 

I said I had no idea. 

The toad said, "Can I go there with you?" 

I said said sure. I put the toad on my shoulder and proceeded down the road. 

Eventually a hawk came by and asked if she could eat the toad. I asked the toad if that would be okay. The toad said no. The hawk said okay and flew away. 

The toad and I continued down the road.

Meandering Club

David Bowie and I are part of a meandering club. We meet twice a month. We start walking, looking only at the ground, and keep going until we feel to stop and look around.

Recently we walked from New York City and kept going. Finally we decided to stop. We looked around and noticed that we were standing in the midst of a spring.

I said I felt powerful warmth coming up from the water and invigorating me. David Bowie said the waters were making him remember being an infant, lying in his crib, with the sun's warmth on his body.

I noticed a young red-haired boy sitting on the bank with his feet in the spring. I asked him where we were. He said, "You're standing in God's healing springs of Blackville, South Carolina."

I asked him his name. He said, "Thomas Jefferson." I asked if he was The Thomas Jefferson. He said, "The one and only."

David Bowie said he felt like doing a cartwheel. He did a good one.

I stood on my hands. I stayed aloft for half a minute!

Pool

God and I were swimming in my backyard pool. 

I asked God if Jesus and I were drowning who would he save. 

God said Jesus is afraid of water and won't go near a pool.

New Job

Work was slow, so I got a job with the local Hobby Lobby. I work at the register. I don't work the floor, yet, because I have to first learn about their vast array of products. 

I used to be into hobbies back when I was a kid. I built models of cars and planes. I had to quit though because I became a model glue junkie. 

Hobby Lobby is aware of my past. They said if it became a problem again, they have a good insurance plan that could provide some help.

Accomplished

People told me I couldn't do it. 

I set out to prove them wrong. 

I did it! 

People were like, "oh, that's nice..." 

So now I spend my time digging holes in my backyard and waiting for the rain to fill them up.