I Had to Ask

I had breakfast with God this morning.

I said, "Sometimes I feel like the center of the Universe, and then sometimes I feel like a tiny insignificant speck."

God said, "And?"

I said, "Isn't there some kind of pleasant middle ground?"

God said, "You're kidding me, right?"

Similarities

I had lunch with Keith Richards, the guitarist for the Rolling Stones.

I asked Keith whether the Stones would be touring this year. He said no because he's not feeling that well and needs to take it easy. I said that I was going to do standup last night, but was exhausted and decided to sleep instead.

I told Keith about a dream I had last night where I was King of the World. I sat on a throne of gold. People came by all day long to give me more gold and praise me. Eventually I got hungry. There were no snacks around. So I took off my crown of gold and had a bite. The crown turned out to be soft and delicious!

Keith said that he once ate a gold ring for real. He was drunk and wondered what a ring would taste like. He swallowed the ring like a vitamin. It tasted metallic. He didn't care for the taste and so he didn't do it again.

Doing What I Can

I was washing my socks out in the river behind my house when a trout stuck its head out of the water.

The trout said, "Dude, I live in this water. I don't like having to smell your dirty socks."

I said, "I'm sorry, but my washing machine is broken and I have an important job interview."

The trout said, "What's the position you're interviewing for?"

I said, "Chief fisherman for Fish Eye brand fish sticks."

The trout said, "Nevermind."

Out of Place

I got in my time machine and traveled back to my birth.

My mom was in labor. She was smoking. So was the doctor.

I popped out. The doctor gave me a cigarette.

Everyone had a cigarette dangling from their mouth when they noticed me.

I apologized. I'm easily intimidated by smokers.

Delicacy

My friend Shirley the chicken said she was bored.

I encouraged her to try something new.

So Shirley the chicken got a job as a late-shift hotel manager working the front desk of the AmericInn hotel in Skokie, IL.

Shirley the chicken excelled at the job and within the first sixty days won employee of the month.

Shirley the chicken thanked me for my encouragement.

It was easy because I like chicken.

The Brighter Side

I slammed on the breaks, but I was too late and went into a sinkhole in the freeway.

My car and I traveled for about ten minutes. We landed safely.

I got out of my car. The ground felt spongy.

I looked up and saw a distant light coming from the entrance to the sinkhole.

My car said, "It could have been worse."

A Ten Spot

I was sitting in the mineral springs for my birthday when the ghost of Alexander Hamilton joined me.

I was enthused because he’s on the ten-dollar bill. I think it would be exciting to be on money. The only problem is it would be hard to experience because you have to be dead to be on money.

Still

I looked out my window at the burning bear. The bear was running across the field.

Part of me wanted to run outside, turn on the hose, and extinguish the flames extending from the bear's fur.

Another part of me was afraid that after the bear was appropriately doused, he would turn to eat me.

I remained in my chair, stuck in dilemma.

A Better View

I had enough and went to the Moon to get away.

I took a nap in a crater.

When I awoke, I saw the big blue beautiful Earth in the night sky and took this pic.

The Earth's not a bad place when you're 238,857 miles away.

Lunch!

I was walking through the desert with my friend Pouka the armadillo when I stepped on a cactus needle that went into my foot.

I remarked on how much it hurt.

Pouka the armadillo said, "You should leave the needle in your foot. It's good zen training."

I pulled out the needle and then cooked Pouka the armadillo for lunch. It was the perfect noon-day snack!

You Can't Get Away

I was walking through the desert when I came upon Buddha.

I said, "I'm not sure if you are a ghost. I mean, you're like Jesus, right, but without the beard. I mean, you're like a supernatural being, or you know, son of God, or at a least relative."

I started to prostrate myself when Buddha said, "What are you doing? Get up off the ground."

I got back up. I felt like an idiot. I purposely hang out in the desert by myself to avoid this kind of embarrassment.

The Situation

I fell off the side off a mountain. Halfway down, I caught a hold of a branch. I called out for help.

From up above, I heard, "This is God. I'm here to help."

I yelled, "Thank you, God."

I waited for about an hour and nothing happened.

I yelled, "God, what's going on up there?"

God said, "Don't rush me, I trying to figure out what to do!"

Currently

I stood in the middle of the street.

I forgot why I was crossing.

But I didn't want to go back because what if I was late?

Things are Better

I died and went to heaven. I stood in line behind a bunch of people who had just died.

I remembered when I was in Kindergarten and Tommy Jimson cut in front of me in the lunch line. I said he couldn't cut. Tommy kicked me in the shin five times. I cried and my teacher, Mrs. Donnison came by and asked what was the matter. Tommy Jimson said that I cut in line. Mrs. Donnison said I had to go to the back of the line.

The fact that no one was cutting in front of me now made me feel better about having died.

Looking on the Bright Side

I have a time-travel portal that takes me back to the White House on the morning of April 15th, 1865.

I like to go through the portal sometimes and tell President Lincoln that one day he's going to be on the penny AND the five dollar bill!

A New Approach

I found God drunk and down at a bar. I asked what was the problem.

God said that life sounded like a good idea, but he didn't realize he'd become so intimately involved in the creation.

I suggested God take up creating with yarn. At least it's something he could wear.

Helping History

I was sitting in the tub when I felt the air around me crackle. I instinctively grabbed a towel as I was hurtled away in a time-travel blip.

I flew through the fallopian tubes of time and was tossed out into the Watergate Hearings of May 1973. Photographs bulbs flashed, and I heard someone remark about my lack of tan.

U.S. Senator Sam Ervin, the chair person, said, "Towel clad man, take a seat!"

I sat down at the table. I leaned into the mic and said, "It's good to be here." I meant it. I watched these hearings on TV when I was a kid. It made me realize that most people in charge are pretty much wrong and are not to be trusted.

Senator Ervin said, "Perhaps you can educate us as to why are you only wearing a towel?"

I said, "This towel is from the Watergate Hotel. I wanted to demonstrate how easy it is to steal things from hotels."

Senator Ervin said, "The naked man has a point. I once stole an astray from the Fort Sumter Hilton in Charleston. I figured it was gratis."

Encouragement

I went to the Frampton Comes Alive 35 Tour.

Peter Frampton was halfway through a bored and tired, "Do You Feel Like We Do" when I shouted, "Sing something you never sang before."

Frampton stopped. He looked a little angry, then relieved.

Frampton then excitedly sang Camp Town Races. The audience went nuts. Then he launched into Yes, We Have No Bananas.

It was the greatest night of my life.

Not So Simple

I was digging a hole in my backyard to lay the foundation for a flag pole when I came across a casket. I lifted the lid. There was a corpse.

I said, "Excuse me."

The corpse rubbed its eyes and looked around. The corpse said, "That's okay. I'm done resting."

The corpse climbed out of the casket and onto the ground.

I winced because of the smell. I felt badly when the corpse saw this and became self-conscious.

I went and got the hose and washed the corpse down. It didn't help.

Some days are difficult no matter how you approach them.

Life Has a Mind of Its Own

I was out for a late night walk in the woods when I was joined by the ghost of Ben Franklin. We talked about what we'd been up to lately.

Ben Franklin said, "I set upon haunting the U.S. Mint. I exhibited myself around the hundred dollar bill printing press and said unto the Mint workers, "I have escaped from the bindings of the currency!" They engineered their pocket telephone devices and recorded me for YouTube. I thinkith it's a sign of dulled imaginations when one loses the ability to be scared."

I said, "I can see what you mean...I met a squirrel in a park this week. We really hit it off. We actually decided to get married. I never thought I'd feel that way about anyone. But lo and behold, there we were at City Hall, getting a marriage license. Afterwards, we got into an argument about where we would live. My squirrel partner wanted to live in a tree. I wanted to live in my house."

Ben Franklin said, "And what was the final conclusion?"

My squirrel partner peaked her head out of my shirt and shrieked, "Oh my God, it's the ghost of Ben Franklin!"

Ben Franklin said, "You have found yourself a fine partner!"

Desert Philosophy

I was riding my camel, Casey, across the desert.

A great sandstorm descended on us. I couldn't see anything through the flying grains.

When the sandstorm had passed, Casey the camel was gone. I was standing alone.

I began walking.

Soon, the heat and sun became too much. I collapsed onto the sand. I crawled a few feet but gave up in exhaustion. I figured it was the end.

Suddenly, Casey the camel came over the sand dune. He was carrying a pitcher of lemonade. He served me a glass. I sat up and drank it.

Casey the camel said, "I apologize for losing you in the sandstorm."

I said, "Events happen. Deeds are done. But there is no individual doer thereof."

Casey the camel said, "Sometimes it's hard being your camel."