Last Night's Visitor

God showed up at my place last night in tears.

I asked what was wrong.

God said, "I can't do this anymore. It's too hard to figure out how to run the Universe...Would, would you take over for me?"

I cried happy tears, danced around the room, and said, "Yes, I will do it! You'll see! I will make everything right!"

God stopped crying, smiled, and said, "Ha, I got you."

Helpful

I went for a stroll through the woods with Buddha.

I said that when I get stuck about something, I ask myself, "What would Buddha do?"

Buddha said, "That's a good idea. I'm going to try that."

My Day So Far

I needed a break and took a boat out to the middle of the lake.

I set down the oars, laid down in the boat, and looked up at the sky. Finally some peace and quiet.

But then a dark cloud blotted out the sunshine. The cloud didn't move. I asked the cloud nicely if it would get out of the way. The cloud ignored me.

I sat up, grabbed the oars, and rowed to another spot.

The cloud followed me. Then it started to rain. It rained so much that the boat filled up with water and sank.

I swam to the shore and laid out on the sand. The cloud was gone and the sun warmed me.

I said thanks to the sun.

The sun said, "No problem, that cloud was an asshole."

The Wishing Well

I went to the wishing well.

The wishing well said, "Yeah, Brooks, what is it this time?"

I said, "Nothing for me, I have something for you."

I brought in a construction crew. They dismantled the old and worn top of the well. Then the crew went into the well and took out all the old dilapidated stones and drained the stagnant water. They then created a proper drained system and piping that connected the well to the local lake.

The crew then put in new stones on the on the bottom and sides of the well. They then constructed a proper top.

When they were done, the wishing well was in tears.

The wishing well said, "How can I ever repay you?"

I got out a thick notebook, sat down on the ground, and began reading from the long list.

Winter

I went outside and asked Winter to stop.

Winter said, "I won't".

I asked if Winter was angry at me.

Winter said, "Yes, I am."

I asked Winter why.

Winter said, "You know what you did."

Inheritance

I inherited a rock quarry. I didn't know what to do with it.

So I went down into the quarry and asked the rocks what they wanted to do. They said they wanted to go out for shakes.

So I put all the rocks in a big truck and brought them to the Shake Shack.

I took all their orders and got their shakes.

I asked what else they wanted to do. They wanted to go to the movies. I said okay.

It's nice to have new friends.

Life

Life is like a bowling alley. There are so many lanes to choose from, but essentially it's all bowling.

Brian Williams

I remember being in the 2003 helicopter ride over Iraq with Brian Williams in 2003.

A rat came out from behind a box of ammunition and I freaked out.

Brian Williams had a level head and kicked the rat out the side of the helicopter.

I said I felt like an idiot.

Brian Williams said, "Yes, you're an idiot."

The Elk

I was walking through the woods, hoping to find some peace of mind, when I came upon an elk. I was intimidated by its immense size and big horns.

The elk asked me for a cigarette.

I don't smoke and had arrogant and judgmental thoughts about the elk's filthy habit.

I could tell the elk knew.

I felt bad.

Not There

I used to love the stars in the night sky.

But then I read in Chalmer's Science Digest that most stars are liars. They pretend to be there, but most died out long ago. Liars!

I took out my anger by yelling at my dog Rexy.

My dog Rexy understood what was going on and said, "Life's like those hamburger photo ads that never look like what you're served."

The Inquiry

I woke up this morning to find God sitting at the end of my bed.

I asked what I'd done wrong.

God said, "I'm not here to punish you."

I asked if I was going to die.

God said, "No."

I told God who I was and asked if God was there by mistake.

God said, "Do you ever wonder why good things rarely happen to you?"

Solution

I sat in a puddle.

Someone came by and said, "Why are you sitting in a puddle?"

I said that I was hot and it was helping me cool down.

The person said, "Let me give it a try." She sat down in the puddle.

She said, "I see what you mean."

The Walk

I took my pet worm, Mildred, to the vet because she'd been feeling down. The vet said Mildred needed exercise.

So that afternoon I took her out for a walk.

Mildred made her best efforts as I "walked" alongside her, saying, "You can do it!"

One of my neighbors called out to me from their yard and asked why I was just standing on the sidewalk, talking to myself.

Mildred looked defeated.

I said that I was taking my time.

Mildred looked up at me and smiled.

The drink

I went to the wishing well. I tossed in my quarter.

The wishing well said, "Yeah, what do you want?"

I said I wanted a drink of water.

The wishing well got angry and said, "Are you kidding me? I don't do that anymore! I grant wishes!"

I said that wanting a drink of water was a wish.

The wishing well was silent. Suddenly the bucket rose up from inside the well, filled to the brim with water. I took a drink.

The person in line behind me said to the others behind him, "Hey, it's just a well." They all left.

The wishing well said, "You idiot, now look what you've done!"

I said that it was only a matter of time.

oh...