Pond

I cried all day long.

The crappy thing was I cried in my car and the water had pooled to my chest.

My breathing caused waves in the water and the waves rocked the car from side-to-side.

Crickets that has been living in my car came out of hiding and began riding the waves. One used an old popsicle stick. Another cricket rode a business card. Still another bogey-boarded a sandwich bag.

I got inspired and dove underwater. It felt good to get my head wet.

What It Took

Last night I dreamt I was Ted Nugent.

I was singing Cat Scratch Fever onstage to 12,000 people at the Rosemont Horizon.

But I felt unfulfilled.

Until I looked offstage and saw my puppy.

Chalmers

I have a pet shark named Chalmers. He lives in a 500,000 gallon tank in my living room.

Every morning I get into the tank and take a swim with Chalmers.

This morning Chalmers confessed said that he wanted to eat me but doesn't because there would be no one left to feed him and he would starve to death.

I revealed to Chalmers my appetite for shark fin soup. I said that I refrain from cooking and eating Chalmers by ordering the shark fin soup over at the House of Fortune restaurant everyday for lunch.

Chalmers put his side fin in my hand. I gripped Chalmers fin.

A Positive

I did a week long temp job at Monsanto. 

Everything they served in the employee cafeteria was organic. 

That was great because it saved me from having to bring in my own specially made healthy lunches!

Mixed Bag

I moved to the planet Mercury. I wanted to live on a planet with plenty of space. No one else lived there. Plus there are no buildings. There are also no mountains or craters. The planet Mercury is a perfect sphere.

For the first few weeks I was uninhibited. I skipped around freely, singing out made-up songs. I never looked where I was going. I was brimming with energy. I didn't realize how much energy I had been using up back on Earth to try and avoid running into other people or their things.

I decided to do a walking lap around Mercury. I took two steps and was exhausted and had to sit down. I was puzzled as to what had happened. Then I realized that because there was no change of scenery, I had done the entire lap around the planet but was unaware of the passage of time.

Up in the Air

I am friends with a sequoia tree named Redmond.

Sometimes Redmond and I hang out together in the forest. Other times Redmond comes out to the city to visit me.

Last weekend, Redmond and I went to the drive-in movie theater. We saw a movie called Hotel Sitter. It was about a man who sits on the roofs of hotels. The main character enjoys being high up in the air looking out at all things around him. He chooses hotels because they have easier roof access.

I asked Redmond what he liked about the movie. Redmond said he liked spending time with me.

I said to Redmond that I liked spending time with him too. But I wanted to know what he liked about spending time with me so I could make sure to do that thing.

Redmond reiterated that he liked to spend time with me. I repeated that I liked our time together too, but what did he like specifically.

Redmond said he figured out why he lives so much longer than humans.

Right

I woke to the sounds of yelling and shouting coming from the night sky.

I stuck my head out the window to find the Sun and the Moon having a vicious argument.

The Sun was accusing the Moon of stealing its light at night and claiming to be the source of all Light. The Moon was saying that the Sun muscles its way into everything and refuses to share the space.

I yelled at them to stop. The Sun and the Moon were silent.

I said being right comes at a cost worth more than the product itself.

The Sun and Moon said I was right.

I said goodnight and went back inside.

My dog Rexy looked up from her doggie bed and asked, "How does it feel to be right?"

I said, "Better than life itself."

Otherwise

I took my time machine back to Ford's Theater the evening of April 16th, 1865. I bought a ticket and went in.

I found John Wilkes Booth as he was moving stealthily down the hall towards the box seats where President Lincoln and his wife were sitting.

I stopped Booth and asked him if he could help me find my seat. Booth was distracted but took a look at my ticket and said my seat was down on the main floor. I said that couldn't be right, I paid for a box seat. Booth was adamant that my ticket was for a floor seat. I asked if he was inferring that I was a liar. Booth said that he was most certainly not but that I was greatly mistaken.

I apologized for losing my temper. I said that I'd been under a lot of pressure lately. A lot of things had been turning out in a way I wish they hadn't. I had no right to take it out on someone else.

Booth said there was no need to apologize. He said, "The world has a way of making us weary and silencing our better angels."

Sleep

I couldn't sleep. I got out of bed and went out the sliding door to the backyard.

I climbed the tree to the squirrel's nest, got in, and spooned the squirrel. I was asleep in seconds.

The next morning, I woke up and came down the tree. The squirrel was already up and out in the yard, looking for nuts.

I waved at the squirrel. The squirrel waved its little furry paw back at me.

Slot

I went to the casino. I put a dollar in a slot machine. I lost. I was depressed.

The slot machine said, "Duder, really, it only takes a dollar?"

I said yes.

The slot machine looked around and then gave me my dollar back. I thanked the slot machine and put the dollar back in. I lost. I was more depressed.

The slot machine said, "I could do this all day."

Temp

I got a temp job as a Supreme Court justice. 

We heard people arguing for and against same-sex marriage. 

I had a hard time understanding the legal terms and fell asleep. 

It didn't help that we had to wear those robes. It's like wearing a blanket.

What the

I sat on the back porch feeling sad and mopey.

The sunlight cascaded across the lawn and onto my feet. But I stayed dour.

The sunlight lept up onto my head. This made me mad because the sunlight was in my eyes.

I stomped into the house and pulled the curtains.

The phone rang. I answered.

The Sun said, "What was that bullshit?!"

I said, "I was just about to say the same thing!"

I Ask

Sometimes I go to the bank. I ask them if I can count their money.

They say maybe tomorrow because they can see my fingers are covered in honey.

time to go

I felt the snap, pop and crackle of imminent time travel as I did the dishes. I set down the plate in the sink.

Last time I time-traveled, I was doing dishes and brought a Superman plate with me and ended up in early Mespotania, 692 BC and left the plate there. I really liked that plate.

The sink faded away and I fell back in time. I traveled through the time-time tubes and landed inside of a moving covered wagon.

There were pots and pans, suitcases and clothes, gadgets, and other various sundries. I managed my way to the front. I looked out and saw desert and a long road. There was a man out front, steering his horses. I was glad. I'd been spending too much time inside lately.

I asked if I could join him. He said he'd appreciate the pleasure of my company. I think before there were TV, movies, internet, phones, airplanes, asphalt, and mass-produced books there were just people and horses and places to live. A person was an electrifying thing.

I asked the man where he was going. He said San Francisco. I asked where we were. He said on the outskirts of Wyoming. He said we'd be on the coast in just four months. I said that might be pushing it.

Some Assembly Required

I woke up as a to-be-assembled kitchen table at Ikea. In a few hours, I was purchased by a family.

The family brought me home and assembled me in their kitchen so that I was a fully formed table.

Tonight the family had dinner on me.

Half-way through the meal I couldn't keep quiet anymore and told them about my experience.

The family was stunned.

I asked not be treated as odd. I asked if they could treat me like a guest in their home. They said they could do that.

Later on, the family put me table-top side down on the sofa bed in the living room. They made sure I was warm enough under the sheets and comforter. We exchanged pleasant good-nights.

As I lay there, the loneliness that had been part of my life for so long life lifted. I was part of a family. My heart felt free.