I became a better me the day I was born.

Walt

I went on my yearly afternoon walk around the lake with the ghost of Walt Disney.

I said, "Ah, the sweet virtues of being lazy and purposeless."

The ghost of Walt said, "Sloth is one of the seven deadly sins!!"

I said, "Yet it's been proven that down time is necessary for great creative productivity."

The ghost of Walt said, "Actually while I was alive, I felt cigarettes provided my inspiration. I even created an animated film called Puffy, about a talking cigarette. It was meant to play in theaters across the country in 1964. Unfortunately the movie was ill-timed as it coincided with the Surgeon General's Report on Smoking and Health, and Puffy had to be scrapped."

The Delivery

I inherited the King Tut exhibit. It arrived yesterday by UPS.

I had the delivery person put it down in my basement. I unpacked it.

Curiously I opened King Tut's sarcophagus. King Tut woke up and got angry with me for disturbing him. I quickly closed the lid.

There's nothing worse than the feeling of someone being annoyed with you.

New Painting

It's me, yours truly, with a pastel painting I did yesterday. It sums up a lot and a little and some things in between.

If you're interested, it's for sale.

The Lottery

I won the lottery last night.

I got my cash winnings this morning.

I then went nuts and ordered and ate an extra-large pizza with everything from Domino's. Afterwards my stomach hurt.

But then I ate a $100 bill and I felt better.

The Cloud

I noticed that a cloud stayed in place over my home while other clouds came and went.

Eventually I asked the cloud what was going on. The cloud said it was tired and was resting. I asked if the cloud wanted to come in and take a proper nap in my guest room.

The cloud said yes, came in, and is now fast asleep in the guest bed.

I'm currently making the cloud a hearty and delicious breakfast for when it wakes up.

The Pen

I tried to write down my goals in my notebook, but the pen had no ink.

I yelled at the pen. The pen said I must be tired to yell at a pen.

I got up from the table and laid down in my bed for a nap.

The Race

Today I ran in a marathon.

In the last mile, I broke into the lead.

About 100 feet from the finish line I got hungry and left the race and went into a deli.

I got a pastrami sandwich. It was delicious!

The Call

I just got a call from God.

God said, "Why haven't you called me?"

I said that I'd been busy.

God said, "How do you think that makes me feel?"

I said I didn't think it would bother God.

God said, "Well, you were wrong."

I said what was the point of being friends with God if it turns out God is just like a person.

God said, "I'm beginning to think the same thing about you."

The Moon

The Moon posed for me while I drew its likeness. It's a rare image because it was one of few times the Moon has actually been happy.

The Walk

The Sun and I held hands and walked around the lake.

The intense heat of the sun instantly dried up the lake and fried all the fish.

But I was okay. That's the power of love.

Revisting the Past

I took my time machine back to Jesus' birth.

I was surprised to discover at least another 1,000 time travelers in attendance. People were clamoring to get a good view with their camera phones.

All the ruckus made the baby Jesus cry. His mother threw a fit.

A guy next to me captured it on his iphone and said it was going to go viral.

I thought ill of his intentions. But I think that's just because I forgot to bring my phone.

Top of the World

I rode to the top of the Empire State Building with Buddha. We looked out over NYC.

I said it was a marvelous view.

Buddha said he was scared of heights and wanted to go back down.

I asked why he went up there in the first place.

Buddha said because it was important to me.

I said I wished he hadn't done that because I was feeling bad that he was unhappy.

Buddha said that it had been a wrong decision on his part and then he threw up on my shoes.

I thought quietly that someone somewhere would think I'm the most lucky person.

In the Pocket

I was out for a walk when I heard a bunch of commotion coming from my pocket. I peaked in my pocket and saw that coins were having an argument.

I asked what was the matter.

The penny said that it was just as valuable as the quarter. The quarter said the penny was delusional. The nickel said the penny and the quarter were disturbing its peace.

I took the coins out of my pocket and gave them to a homeless guy.

The homeless guy said, "What did I ever do to you?"

Treasure

I found a treasure map. I drove to the location of the X and began digging.

About five feet into the ground I found a chest. I opened it up.

Inside was a toasted cheese sandwich.

It was still warm.