Just Another Morning

I opened a new box of Cap'n Crunch this morning. I reached down to the bottom for the prize. But there was no bottom of the box. All of me went in and I fell for about an hour. 

Eventually I landed on a cartoon sailing ship. The Cap'n saluted me from the mast. It was exciting. 

But I was hungry. 

It's hard to be happy.

What I Did to Get By

My girlfriend has been out of town the past five days. She returns tomorrow.

While she's been away, I left the sliding glass doors to our bedroom open and an eagle, mountain lion, ant, vulture, moose, 6 starlings, and a slug came in and have been staying with me.

The critters have torn up all the bedding and furniture. They've made a mess on the floor. They've shed everywhere. I don't want to get upset at them though because they've been great company and have kept me from feeling lonely.

Being Open to New Opportunities

Mitt Romney asked me to be his Vice-Presidential running mate. I asked if it would be okay if I still wrote my comments on facebook. He said as long as what I wrote encouraged people to vote for our ticket. 

So, here it goes: I had lunch with the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln ordered cheese fries. I chose a salad without dressing. Lincoln asked why the diet. I said I wanted to keep my figure so I would stay alluring to voters. 

Lincoln took off his stove pipe hat. Suddenly Lincoln was a 350 pound man. He said it's all in the hat. 

I ordered the hat through my phone, then asked our waitress to add a chocolate shake, 2 orders of fried cheese soup, and a moose steak. Romney/Palmer 2012!

It's Good to Know Why

I thanked my mom for giving birth to me. 

My mom said back when I was born there wasn't the internet, cable or cell phones, so there was a lot less to do. So she thought, why not have a baby?

It Wasn't My Intention

I sat down under a tree and started to cry. 

The tree said, "Why the big tears?" 

I said, "I'm lost." 

The tree said, "No, you're not, you're right here." 

I said, "That sounds like it came out of a book." 

The tree said, "And books come from trees." 

I said, "But what about the Kindle?" 

The tree started to cry.

Shedding Light

I was awakened by a tapping at my window. 

I got out of bed and opened the window to find the Moon sitting pensively.

I said, "What's going on?"

The Moon said, "I'm worried that I'll never amount to anything."

I said, "But your the Earth's nightlight!"

The Moon smiled and said, "You're right!"

Feedback

I was at home, standing by the kitchen sink, washing my dog Rexy, when I heard the snap, pop, and crackle of an impending time travel trip.

My kitchen disappeared and I was falling through time with Rexy. Even though Rexy was in mid-air, she shook her body and coated me with a spray of water.

Rexy and I landed on a concert stage during mid show. The audience went nuts. I think they thought we were part of the show. It's nice to be admired in any circumstance.

I looked around and saw Jimi Hendrix playing guitar. He was so skinny. It felt like his body wanted to cave in on itself. I think that's what accounted for the distortion he was playing.

Rexy went nuts with the loud high-pitched sounds and went over and peed on Jimi Hendrix, who didn't seem to notice. But I though that afterwards Jimi Hendrix would wonder why he smelled like dog pee.

You Never Know What to Expect

It was an especially bright day. 

I said to the Sun, "Dude, dim it down!"

The Sun took it personally and shut off all together. 

I was surprised that somebody of such stature would be as immature as me. 

Setting the Record Straight

I woke up this morning to find Saturday standing at the end of my bed, looking back at me. 

I said, "What?" 

Saturday said, "I forgot which day I am."

I said, "You're Tuesday." 

Saturday said, "Oh, thank God!"

Trying to Do My Part

To help prevent global warming I sold my car and bought a horse and chariot. 

To get in the spirit for drives, I wear a tunic and put laurel leaves on my head. 

But my new horse, Champion, is moody and sometimes stops in the middle of the freeway. Traffic backs up for miles while I wait for the tow-truck.

It's Hard to Feel Safe

I went to the ocean and sat at the water's edge. The ocean said, "To what do I owe this honor?"

The ocean is extremely kind. I think the ocean is this way because it's so big that it never has anything to fear.

In contrast, I'm ornery because I'm only six feet tall. Bigger things can land on me, I can fall into many of the Earth's holes, and someone who is six feet two inches tall can make fun of how short I am.

Hi.

Got Off My Cloud

I had lunch with Mick Jagger. He said, "I'm thinking of quitting the Rolling Stones."

I said, "If that's what you want to do, it sounds good to me."

Mick Jagger said, "But wouldn't you be upset? I mean you're a big fan and all."

I said, "Nope."

Mick Jagger said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "I have more important things to put my attention on."

Mick Jagger said, "Well then, I'm not going to quit."

I said, "Great."