This morning with God

This morning God and I took a walk through the field of gilded lilies.

God said, "You look uncomfortable."

I said that I was trying to be even-minded.

God said, "Well, stop it, you're making me uncomfortable."

I asked what I should do instead.

God said, "I liked you a lot more when you were neurotic."

I said that would be no problem.

I was visited by the ghost of Lincoln

The ghost of Abraham Lincoln came to visit. He likes to haunt me every Wednesday.

He said that he'd like to see the new Star Wars movie with me. I said that I didn't want to go because I'm still receiving therapy (now down to monthly!) from my adverse reaction to the prequels.

The ghost of Lincoln said that if he was able to get over his phobia about being in a theater again after what he once went once through, I could man-up and be his movie date.

I said okay and we went to the movie theater but the new Stars Wars was sold out and instead we saw Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip.

After it was over we were walking through

The ghost of Lincoln said, "It never gets old."

Talkin' with the Moon

Earlier tonight I was having a rough night and couldn't sleep. So I went out to talk to the Moon.

The Moon said, "Is something bugging you?"

I said that I was worrying about some stuff.

The Moon said, "I can relate."

I said that I thought the Moon was always serene.

The Moon said, "That's because you don't hear my thoughts."

I asked the Moon for an example.

The Moon said, "The Sun is all 'Whatever, look at me, I'm sooooo important. I light the whole fricken galaxy!' Well, whoop de fricken do!" I didn't say anything.

The Moon said, "I'm sorry. I don't have anyone to talk to. It builds up, you know. Anyway, thanks for listening. You're a real pal."

I said good night, went back inside, and wrote this to you. Now I definitely can't sleep.

Supernormal

This weekend I went to master parapsychologist Dean Radin's All Intensive Supernormal Brain Boot Camp! For nine hours straight, Dean Radin lead me and the other course participants through strenuous mind building exercises to tone up our brain power.

After it was over I told Mr. Radin that I felt just as dumb as when I started.

Dean Radin said, "The fact that you know you're dumb is a sign of intelligence."

I was elated!

The Sun

I was awoken tonight by a call from the Sun.

I said I was confused because it was dark and that meant the Sun was sleeping.

The Sun tried to explain to me that it was dark because the Sun was on the other side of the Earth.

I still didn't get it, so the Sun told me to cover my iphone with hand. I did and the phone was gone and I went back to sleep.

Welcome home

What happened in the desert

I sat on a rock in the desert. Eventually an armadillo came up and asked, "What are you doing?"

I said that I was waiting for something to happen.

The armadillo said, "I'm what's happening."

I said that I was waiting for something interesting to happen.

The armadillo got up on its hind legs and did a flirty Mae West walk. I said that it wasn't interesting because Mae West already did it in the movies back in the 1930s.

The armadillo sighed and sat down next to me. We both waited.

Eventually a whale came by floating in a see-through glass swimming pool on wheels.

I asked the whale if we could join it in the pool. The whale sighed and said, "I guess."

The Window

I was looking out the window. The window said, "Why are you looking at me?"

I said that I was looking at a bluebird sitting on a branch.

The window said, "No, you were looking at me."

I touched the window with my finger.

The window said, "Thank you."

The Hike

I went to a hiking meet-up. There were 14 other people there, one of whom was Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump.

As we hiked, Trump talked non-stop. No one else could get a word in.

I sensed that the other hikers were getting really upset. So I yelled that I saw a bear. Everyone fell to the ground and curled up into a ball.

Trump didn't hear what I said. He kept walking and talking by himself until eventually he was out of sight.

I told everyone that the bear was gone.

We see you

The Walk

I went for my Friday morning walk through the juniper forest with God.

God said, "You seem troubled."

I said that the world seems like a constant non-stop problem factory.

God said, "And..."

I said, "Really?"

God said, "Yep."

The Window

I was looking out the window.

The window said, "Why are you looking at me?"

I said that I was looking at a bluebird sitting on a branch.

The window said, "No, you were looking at me."

I touched the window with my finger. The window said, "Thank you."

Lunch

I had lunch with the Dali Lama. I asked if he ever worries about things.

The Dali Lama said, "I worry about most everything."

I said, "But you're the Dali Lama, you're supposed to have it all together."

The Dali Lama said, "That's the only thing I don't worry about."

This is a picture I took of myself in a mirror I got from Spencer's Gifts.

What the stump had to say

I went out for a walk this morning. I came across this tree stump. There were a few tiny green leaves rising up from the stump. 

I asked the tree stump what it was up to. 

The tree stump said, "I don't know, I guess I was thinking about giving it a try to be a tree again."