Safe House

For the past eleven years, I've been letting turkeys hide out in my basement for the two weeks preceding Thanksgiving.

Yesterday, the turkeys left the safe haven of my basement. It was curt goodbyes as we were all tired of each other's company.

But then today I was out shopping at Kresge's, and I came upon one of the turkeys pushing a shopping cart, and when our eyes met, we hugged and couldn't stop sobbing.

Movie Night!

Last night I went to a movie with the Sun. We saw Interstellar. Tuesday night is our movie night.

Some guy in front of us kept checking and sending texts during the movie. The brightness distracted us.

The Sun finally leaned forward and asked the guy to stop texting. The guy murmed, "What an asshole" and sent another text.

The Sun sent out a flare into space which knocked out all the telecommunications satellites, and the guy's phone went dead.

We enjoyed the rest of the movie.

The Visitor

This morning my future self visited me via a time machine.

The future Brooks had a full head of dark hair, no wrinkles or scars, and a happy attitude. The future me said they figured out how to make everyone better in all ways.

I got excited and said I can't wait for the future.

And then I thought about it and said if the future was so exciting, why would I come back and visit myself.

The future me said, "I missed you."

Felix

I found out I'm allergic to cats.

I told my cat, Felix. I said I would start taking Benadryl.

My cat, Felix, is a people pleaser. So he went online to amazon and ordered a a plastic suit that covers his entire body. The company that sells it is called Obey!

Felix got the suit today. He is wearing it around the house. It has a mini snorkel so he can breathe.

Safe House

Every year I make my home a safe house for wild turkeys. Turkeys come to my door and ask for refuge till the day after Thanksgiving. So far there are 13 turkeys hiding out in my basement.

Last night we watched the movie The Godfather. After the movie, one of the turkeys said, "Wow, you guys hunt each other too!"

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Life

Life was never meant to be easy.

It's just nice to imagine it could be.

Seeds

I filled up the bird feeder with seeds. I went inside and sat by the window, waiting.

About a half-hour later a bird flew down onto the feeder and partook.

The bird noticed me and said, "Hello."

I opened the window and said, "It's freezing out. There's no food anywhere but here. I don't understand why you wouldn't be waiting by this bird feeder all day long for it to get filled. If I found a box stuffed with hundred dollar bills, I'd never leave the box. I wouldn't sleep so I could be awake when the box gets filled again."

The bird said, "Isn't it enough that you're talking with a bird?"

Star

I sat out on the lawn, looking up at the night sky.

I noticed a star wink at me. I actually turned around to look behind me.

The star said, "No, you idiot, it's you."

Woods

I was walking through the woods when I happened upon a grizzly bear, sitting on a log, and eating honey from a bee hive.

I was startled.

The bear said, "Hi, don't be scared, I'm not going to eat you. Would you like some honey?"

I said, "I'm not scared of you, but I'm allergic to bee stings, and no."

I could tell the bear's feelings were hurt. I felt badly and kept walking.

This sucked because I went to the woods to get away from feeling shitty.

Pet

I bought a rhino at Petco yesterday. He's eating hay in the middle of my living room.

I'm typing quietly so he doesn't go nuts and start ramming things.

Hope

I found my new year's resolutions from 1965. One was, "I will stop eating crayons."

I think 2015 will finally be the year!

My Good Idea

I was low on funds and got the great idea to take my time machine back to the Netherlands 1889 and the home of Vincent Van Gogh, and buy all his paintings.

I gave Van Gogh 800 francs, and bungee corded them to the top and sides of my time machine, and came back to the present day.

I brought them to a high end art dealer in Manhattan. She said she'd never heard of Van Gogh and asked me to leave.

The Discussion

God and I lay on a cloud, looking up at the sky.

I said to God, "How come you made me such a moody man?"

God said, "I needed those notes for the Symphony."

I said, "Well, I don't like it, it seems unfair, and you should fix this now!"

God said, "You complete me."

Smarts

I sat out on the dock with the ghost of the philosopher William James.

He was black and white. It turns out people use to be black in white up till 1935. Below is a picture I took of him with my phone.

I told the ghost of William James that I wished I was smart like him. When I was a kid, I spent a lot of time at school in the corner wearing a dunce hat.

The ghost of William James said, "I was pondering about the distinct nature of your head shape."