Maya

I was taking a swim in my backyard pool when I was visited by the ghost of Maya Angelou.

I awkwardly stumbled over myself with sympathies about her recent death.

The ghost of Maya Angelou silenced me with a finger in the air and said, "When given a choice, the past is a shallow, stagnant pond I wouldn't as much stick my toe in."

The ghost of Maya Angelou leapt off the diving board, shouted, "Cowabunga!" and hit the water with a mighty, wave-shaking cannonball.

Last

I took the time machine to my last dying day.

Last Night

I woke to a mouse scampering across my bedroom floor. 

I went to the fridge and got a piece of cheese and put it in a mouse trap. I tripped on the way back, fell on the ground, and the trap snapped on my finger. 

The mouse came up to me and asked if I was alright. 

I said no. 

With great difficulty, the mouse managed to help me make it back to bed. 

The mouse noticed the mouse trap clamped on my finger and asked, "Was that meant for me?" 

I said yes with an apology. 

The mouse opened the trap, took it off my finger, popped the bait in its mouth and said, "Thanks for the cheese!"

Science

The ghost of Enrico Fermi woke me up in my bedroom last night. 

I knew who he was because he said, "I'm the ghost of Enrico Fermi." 

I said that's nice and asked why he was there. 

The ghost of Enrico Fermi said he liked being in my room because it was dark. He said he couldn't see anything but he could feel the presence of the room. He said it was representative of the quantum state. 

I agreed, but said I found it more fascinating that he was dead and still doing things.

Friendly

I still have my Christmas tree up in my living room. I don't throw it out because every time I pass the tree, it says something nice to me. 

This morning it said, "Nice legs!

Gardening

God came by to help me plant my garden.

I asked God, "Should I feel badly about taking such care to plant and water the seeds, only to eat and kill what eventually would grow?"

God's mouth opened and I saw all events happening at once in Eternity. Everything that was created was simultaneously destroyed. My hair turned white in awe and terror.

God's mouth closed.

I said to God, "You could have just said no."

Flat

I took a walk with my friend Reg. 

Reg said that humans are innately stupid. Reg cited how people used to believe the Earth was flat, and how even after it was disproven, people still believed in the flat Earth for at least another generation.

Suddenly I heard Reg scream. 

I looked down and saw Reg falling off the edge of the Earth into Space. I watched him until he became a spec and then disappeared. 

I went home and had a bowl of mayonnaise and whipped cream.

Lincoln

I was bored and took my time machine back to a few minutes before President Lincoln's death. I sat next to the President at Ford's Theater. 

 

I told him that I was from the future and he was about to be killed. Lincoln asked what he should do. I said he should start acting all crazy. 

 

The President stood up, dropped his pants, started drooling, and began cackling like a chicken. 

 

Suddenly John Wilkes Booth appeared, gun drawn. Booth was disgusted and left. 

 

The audience was shocked at Lincoln's actions and the next day he was declared insane and had to resign the presidency. 

 

I apologized to Lincoln. 

 

He said he forgave me because he was alive.

um

I'm kind of dumb. 

But I'm smart enough to know that.

Wednesday

Wednesday called last night at 11:59 pm and said, "I'm feeling lousy. Can you take my place?" 

I didn't want to, but like the people pleaser I am, I said yes. 

I've been working non-stop and haven't slept. 

I've been making all kinds of just ridiculous and stupid mistakes. I apologize for any crap and pain-in-the-assness that may have come your way.

Oh, shit, Thursday just left me a text message!

Resolved

I took my time machine back to 1903 for the Wright Brothers' first flight. 

My time machine appeared in the path of their moving plane. They stopped and got out. They were curious of my time machine. 

I invited them in and then took them back to today. I dropped them off in downtown Chicago and ditched them. 

I came home feeling great with the assurance that I would never again have to take a flight with shaky turbulence like the one from Tucson last week.

On My Own

The writing team from India that I've been paying to write my blog posts has gone out of business. I'm writing on my own today. Please be kind.

...So, this dog came up to me and said, "I hate cats." 

I said that was not surprising news. 

The dog said, "Dude, aren't you surprised that I'm talking?"