Straight-forward

I was feeling sad and got a popsicle to cheer me up. 

 

The popsicle said, "Your fortune is my misfortune." 

 

I said that I can't be blamed for its career choice.

Nice

I inherited Mt. Rushmore.

I moved into Lincoln's nose. There was a condor already living in there. I said it could stay. The condor thanked me and said I could share its nest.

You don't see that kind of generous sincerity much anymore.

It's Not Important

The Moon came to visit me and we went for a walk. The Moon has person-sized legs and feet.

I asked the Moon how it could support itself with such tiny legs and feet.

The Moon said it didn't know.

I'm worried that nothing's wrong.

Sick

I wasn't feeling well. I took the day off and stayed in bed.

I laid there and sweat. I had a lot of miserable thoughts.

At some point, my bed asked how much longer I would be. My bed was used to having the day time off.

I explained the situation. My bed made one of those, "uggghhhh" sounds.

The Way

Picture your success. Really vividly. Visualize getting exactly what you want, and act as if you're already there. 

Then go back to bed. It's such a nice bed. Why would you ever think of leaving it?

Prevention

I was having dinner by myself when 85 year-old me showed up in a time-travel machine.

85 year-old me said he was reminiscing about how great it used to be to be 51 years old, and just couldn't resist the visit.

I asked the older me if he would like me to heat up a Hungry-Man Salisbury Steak dinner in the microwave.

85 year-old me said he made a grave error about the past and needed to leave right away. And like that he was gone. 

I didn't have a Hungry-Man Salisbury Steak dinner to heat up. I said that because I knew I greatly dislike that particular meal, and saying it would get the older me to clear out.

The Reason Why

I was walking through the deep woods when I came upon a deer.

The deer said, "Hi, my name is Qualm, the magic deer."

I said, "Hi, Qualm, I'm Broo-"

The deer said, "No, it's Qualm, the magic deer."

I said, "I'm sorry, Qualm, the magic deer. I'm Brooks."

The deer said, "It's good to meet you."

I said, "Likewise. How are you magic?"

The deer said, "I'm not. It's just part of my name."

I said, "You must get asked that question a lot."

The deer said, "Yes, that's why I moved out to the woods."

Wrapped

I have a friend who is a mummy. He lives at a museum. I show up at night after the museum has closed and we go out and do things.

Recently we went to a bar. People thought my friend had been in a terrible accident. They bought him a lot of drinks. He got pretty drunk and couldn't stand up. I had to carry him outside to a cab. I brought him back to the museum, and then I went back home.

The next night I got a call from my mummy friend. He wanted to see if I'd like to hang out. I said that I was angry at him because he got so drunk and I ended up being his caretaker. My friend apologized.

We went out that night. For payback I made my friend take a personality test at the Scientology Center. 

Busted

Last night aliens landed their spaceship in my backyard. I was excited! I went out to meet and greet.

Three aliens came out of the spaceship and asked to use my restroom. They said the one on their ship was broken. I said okay, brought them into my home, and showed them the bathroom. The first alien went in, while the other two anxiously waited in the hallway.

After a minute, one of the aliens in the hallway knocked on the bathroom door and asked how much longer would it be. The alien in the bathroom got irritated and said just another moment.

A minute later, the first alien came out of the bathroom, while the second one ran in and closed the door. The third alien crossed its legs.

I said it sucked that their restroom was busted. The aliens agreed.

Empty

I was walking down the sidewalk when I heard a, "Pssssst" coming from my right. I looked around and saw nothing.

I heard, "No, duder, down here!"

I looked down and saw a hole.

I said, "What?"

The hole said, "Could you get this trash out of me?"

I said, "Sure." I reached down into the hole and took out some empty beer cans, a couple of pages of newspaper, and some cigarette butts.

The hole said, "Thanks."

I said, "No problem. Have a great one."

The hole said, "I already am."

Trying to Help

I was washing the dishes when I felt the snap, pop and crackle of spontaneous time-travel about to occur. My kitchen disappeared as I fell back through the time tubes.

After free-falling for a few minutes, I slipped out of the tubes and landed in a hotel room. I discovered an overweight, drunk and high John Belushi laying on the bed in his underwear.

Belushi sat up quickly and asked who I was. I said that I was Brooks. He said okay then got out some cocaine and asked me if I wanted some. I said no. I said that my dad is a doctor and that he said the best way to get high with coke was to rub it on the bottoms of your feet. Belushi trusted doctors and did as I said. The best thing about this was when he got off the bed and walked across the carpet and left the white foot prints.

It's Hard to Get Away from Everything

I needed to get away and drove out to the desert. I got out of my car and walked for about an hour. Finally I found a spot that felt peaceful.

Suddenly a helicopter appeared overhead. The helicopter landed and a group of men in suits got out. One of them came up to greet me, as the others formed a large circle around us.

The man who approached me was President Obama. He said he comes to this place in the desert when he really needs to get away. The people with him were secret service agents.

I said that this was my first time to this space. I blabbed that my life was I'm sure in no way as overwhelming as the President's. I joked that if I'd known he was coming, I would have worn a tie. I confessed that I didn't vote in the last election because I wasn't feeling that well. 

President Obama seemed to not hear what I said. He appeared fidgety. I got it that he didn't have the resources to take me in. I wished him well and walked back to my car.

Buchanan

I was relaxing in my living room when I was joined by the ghost of the 15th President of the United States, James Buchanan.

I said that I was honored. Actually I feel that way about everyone that visits me. I think it's called co-dependence.

The ghost of James Buchanan said, "It's good to be where one feels appreciated. When I held the high office of the Presidency, I was under constant abuse from the members of Congress. I can still hear their words clanging in my head like the mad cacophony of the devil's bells!"

I said that Mr. Buchanan was held in high-esteem as the greatest of the U.S. Presidents. I made that up too. I think I have a problem.

The ghost of James Buchanan had tears in his eyes. He said, "No news could make my heart swoon more!"

I said that none of us is truly appreciated while alive. When I was a lad, I spent so much of my time at school wearing the dunce cap, that my head became shaped like a cone.

The ghost of James Buchanan said, "I was curious as to the peculiar shape."