Undecided

I climbed up the mountain to my guru's cave.

When I got up there, my guru greeted me at the entrance.

My guru said, "To what do I owe this honor?"

I said, "I'm shocked, you usually berate me for relying on you for advice."

My guru said, "My doctor said that I got an ulcer from my temper. I have no choice but to go the other way. How may I be of service?"

I said, "I can't decide if I should take a bath or shower."

My guru held his stomach and said, "You imbecile."

Restorable

The weight of the snow on the roof of my house caused the roof to cave in. There were pieces of wood, shingles, insulation and snow all over the place.

I got out the broom and dust pan. I filled up over 140 trash bags.

But then there was the open ceiling. It was cold out. Frigid air abounded. I was shivering.

I lit a fire in the fireplace. It looked nice. However the flames provided no warmth.

I got out saran wrap and stretched it over the entire roofless area.

I now had the warmth I needed, in addition to the deluxe sunshine.

Finally

Santa came by today and apologized for being late. 

He said he only had an etch-a-sketch and some tube socks left.

Compromised

I took a stroll with God along the beach. 

I said, "Hey, God, if you help me win the lottery I promise to stop cracking my knuckles." 

God said, "I like when you crack your knuckles."

Secondary

My dog Rexy and I sat by the fire.

My dog Rexy said, "What do you think Santa will bring me?"

I said, "Probably something rawhide related. What do you think he'll bring me?"

My dog Rexy said, "I think you'll get an apple or orange since you are such a fan of fruit."

From the chimney a voice shouted, "I'm sorry, but I can't come down your fireplace at this time due to the fire. I'll try again next year."

A moment passed.

My dog Rexy said, "Could I have one of your shoes?"

I said, "Yes. Would that be okay if I had one of your biscuits?"

My dog Rexy said, "Of course."

Well Suited

I went for tea with NRA spokesman Wayne LaPierre.

After a few minutes Wayne asked why I wasn't drinking my tea. I said that I prefer Slurpees.

Wayne asked me, "How come we're not at 7-11?" I said I thought that he liked tea.

Wayne said that may be the case, but it's important to ask for what you want.

I said that I was intimidated by his gun. He suggested I get a gun so I could feel more confident.

He's good.

An Alternative

When I was a kid, my mom once put a fresh cigarette in my lunch box. She felt that since I was a skinny and pale kid, the cigarette would give me a tough image and bullies would leave me alone. 

So I smoked the cigarette during lunch. I coughed a lot, and had to go to the infirmary. 

The school nurse said that the problem was I was smoking Pall Malls and would do better switching to Kools.

Grounded

I got overwhelmed and dug a hole in the ground and put my head in.

After a few minutes a great peace came over me. I even forgot my name.

I felt a tapping on my back. I pulled my head out of the ground. A woman was standing next to me. She asked me how much longer I would be. She wanted to put her head in the ground. I said it cost $100. She paid. I let her put her head in the ground.

New Opportunity

I started out the marathon at the front of the pack.

But after a mile I was exhausted and sat down on the street. Other runners saw me and also sat down. Pretty soon everyone in the race was sitting and panting.

I suggested that since we were all sitting anyway we should go and see the Hobbit.

Someone looked up the start time. It was in 15 minutes and only a few blocks away!

Oh, Well

I had fries for lunch.

I said to the fries, "I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to eat you."

The fries said, "You need to seek help for your over-sensitivity."

I said, "You've hurt my feelings."

The fries said, "Bon appetit."

Oh, Well

I went into my underground bunker the day before 12-12-12.

When I came out the next day, everything was gone. All the houses, trees, cars, people and associated pets. There was just ground.

I went back into the bunker and happily laid down on my cot.

Then I noticed that the springs squeaked.

Moon

There was a week in 1972 when the Moon quit. No one noticed because by then we'd landed on the Moon over nine times and people had lost interest in things Moon wise.

I knew it because the Moon came and stayed with me. I asked my parents if it was okay. They said sure. I don't think they even noticed though that it was The Moon. They were tired from working and raising a family.

The Moon and I took walks together. Sometimes we held hands. Even though the Moon is huge, it has human sized hands.

The Solution

I went to the wishing well. I tossed in a quarter.

I said, "I'd like for my hair to grow back. But at the same time, I'd like to not care."

The wishing well said, "What if I made everyone bald so you could stop thinking about it altogether?"

I said, "I"ll take that one!!"

Ford

When I was twelve, I took a tour of the White House with my family. Gerald Ford was President at the time. He stopped by to say hi to everyone in the tour.

It was exciting to see a President in real life. Though after a few minutes, Gerald Ford started to seem like everyone else. I could smell his bad breath. I got bored with his endless stories. Plus I got the sense that he really wanted to be liked.

My dad and President Ford hit it off. My dad invited Ford to come back with us for a home-cooked chicken dinner, and some TV. My dad took TV watching seriously. He had a subscription to TV Guide.

President Ford rode back with us. He sat in the backseat between my sister and I. Ford was one of those leg spreaders, who when sitting lets his legs swing out all the way to each side.

It's Never Too Late

I took a boat ride with the ghost of Walt Disney through the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.

The ghost of Walt got excited when he saw the animatronic ghost pirates. He said he wished he used to be a pirate rather than the president of a large entertainment company.

I said that it was possible to change careers at anytime, whether alive or dead.

The ghost of Walt got inspired and jumped out of our boat and swam over to the ghost pirate boat. He got on board and tried pulling a sword from a mechanical ghost pirate's hand. The sword wouldn't give way. So the ghost of Walt tore the arm off the robot ghost, held it and the arm aloft and shouted, "Strike yer colors, ye bloomin cockroachers, by thunder we'll see ya to Davy Jones"

Rubber!

I have a house made of rubber. I'm allergic to mold and rubber is the only thing mold won't grow on.

I get around the house by bouncing.

When I want to go to sleep, I lay on my rubber bed. I have to wait a few minutes for the bouncing to stop so I can fall asleep.

The rubber toilet is a problem.

Sailing

God and I went sailing.

God said, "I feel most at home on the water."

I said, "But you're God, I thought you'd like everything the same."

God said, "That's it, get off the boat!"

Sharing the Road

I was driving down the highway through the desert at night. I was getting sleepy. I pulled over and fell asleep.

When I woke up, I was in the passenger seat and a coyote was driving my car.

The coyote said, "I hope you don't mind. I smelled a rabbit about five miles from here and didn't feel like taking the walk."

I said, "No problem, I love rabbit!"

Nice

I remember meeting Christ. He was a nice person.

I was short 3 sheckels for a loaf of bread and people in line behind me got upset. Christ was right behind me and he gave the change.

I said thanks.

He said, "Don't mention it."