What's At Stake

I was mowing the lawn when I heard the snap, crack and pop of time-travel about to happen.

The thing about time-travel is whatever you are touching travels with you. It's has to be that way to avoid the embarrassment of ending up somewhere else in time, naked.

My yard disappeared and there I was, traveling through the tunnels of time, holding on to my lawn mower. The time-travel tunnels echo, so you wouldn't believe the noise.

I ended up on the muddy ground of France during the 1400s. I don't think they considered mud a problem because there was so much of it.

There was a crowd gathered in the square and everyone was looking at me because of the lawn mower. I shut off the lawn mower and started coughing and pretended the sound had been coming from me. Back then if you were unexplainably strange, you were branded a witch and burnt at the stake.

Speaking of which, the crowd's attention went back to a woman who was about to be burnt at the stake. I joined the crowd. It turns out the toastee was Joan of Arc.

I never cared for history in school. I didn't have the attention span because I'm pretty much just interested in myself. So I look for ways to screw up big events from the past.

I turned the lawn mower back on and set it to automatic. The lawn mower moved erratically on its own. Everyone was convinced the lawn mower was a witch. They took down Joan of Arc from the stake and tied up my lawn mower in her place.

Joan of Arc came up to me and gave me a hug. Then she spoke to me in French. I don't speak French. So I nodded a lot.

She's Got a Point

My pet hummingbird, Mildred, never lands. She is always flying.

I asked Mildred how come she doesn't take it easy. She said someone around here has to work.

Toastmasters Paid Off

I just spoke at the Republican National Convention. 

I didn't write my speech ahead of time so I talked about the uncomfortable mattress in my hotel room. It looked so inviting, but then I laid down and it was like an old wino's mattress.

The Principle of the Highest First

I went up to the Moon to visit the old Apollo 11 landing site again. This time I ran into the ghost of Neil Armstrong.

I said, "Are you taking the opportunity for another walk on the Moon?"

The ghost of Neil Armstrong said, "I wouldn't say I'm taking this. When I died, I suddenly found myself here."

I said, "Maybe when you die you automatically revisit the area of your greatest significance."

The ghost of Neil Armstrong said, "Where do you think you would go when you die?"

I said, "To revisit the time I finally beat my dad in ping pong."

There's Order in the Universe

My compass busted. I was lost in the desert. I had no idea which direction to walk. I sat down and gave up. 

A vulture landed next to me. A hawk landed and stood behind the vulture. An armadillo waddled up to the space behind the hawk. 

I thought, "Wow, even animals stand in line."

I'm a sequoia tree. On my 750th birthday, I realized I needed to get out and explore the world. So I created a human form out of one of my branches, hopped into it, and went to see the world.

The first thing I noticed is there's a lot of the world. It just kept going. But then I realized the world was round, and I'd unknowingly traveled around it eighty-three times.

The second thing is there's a lot more people than trees. And they move erratically. It's hard to relax when you're trying to dodge people.

One Giant Leap

Yesterday I was feeling badly about Neil Armstrong. So I went up to the Moon to visit the Apollo 11 site.

I was angry when I saw a Moonling family having a picnic on the very spot where Neil Armstrong took his first steps.

The Moonlings invited me to join them. I forgave them because I was hungry.

She Thinks on Her Feet

When I was born, my mom was standing in line to buy groceries. She asked the person behind her to hold her place in line so she could buy diapers.

The Good with the Bad

I'm friends with the Sun.

The Sun likes to chew on ice cubes when it's talking. The crunching sounds intertwine with words. It sounds like a song. And like with songs, I get caught up in the rhythm and melody and don't notice the words.

The Sun gets angry and accuses me that I'm not listening.

We don't hang out often.

It's What We Do

I went for a walk with my pet ant, Farmchild. 

We hold hands when we walk. It requires me to bend over like I'm picking something up off the ground, but like the song says, the things we do for love.

There's Benefit in Everything

Late last night the singer-songwriter Leonard Cohen came over. He wanted to play me a new song that he had just written. He borrowed my guitar and started to sing:

I like cats,
cats are where it's at,
K-k-k-k-kitty cats,
Eating all the rats.

I said that it was a good song because it was letting him know that he was tired and needed to go to bed.

Where the Good Times Roll

I was walking through a field when I came across some sorghum. 

The sorghum asked me if I wanted to have a good time. I said sure. 

We walked about a mile till we came to a clearing where an armadillo band called the Rollies were playing. 

They were pretty good!

The Lullaby

I couldn't sleep. 

I went out to talk to the Moon. The Moon was asleep. I got angry and woke it up. The Moon said I was mountaining the molehill. 

I apologized and said I'd been irritable ever since my doctor put me on an all meat diet. 

The Moon reached down, pulled me up to its surface, and laid me down on the soft Moon sand. 

I was asleep in seconds.

It's Time for a Change, Part 5,683

I work as a toaster repair man.

The problem is, it's cheaper to buy a new toaster than get one repaired. So I haven't worked for a while.

This morning, my toaster broke. I had the parts and fixed it. My toaster was so grateful it cried. Unfortunately, the toaster was plugged in and it was electrocuted.

I thought that it's probably time to find a new occupation.

Why I Was a Few Minutes Late

I took the bus to the sun.

The bus didn't stop right at the sun, but three blocks away.

I didn't mind because I like opportunities for exercise.

Red Wood

I have a guitar made from a redwood tree. It's six city blocks long.

When I want to take the guitar out and play a song I let the city of Evanston know and they block off six streets. I hold a pick the size a trash can lid, and I get on a cherry picker and have a friend operate it up and down against the strings which are high tension cable wires.

A little kid that was watching me play yesterday said it would be easier if I owned a regular sized guitar. I said that's why they call it the blues.

Well

I built a wishing well in my backyard.

I went out to the well with a shiny new coin, but I couldn't think of a wish. The wishing well gave me some suggestions, but none were of interest to me.

I asked the wishing well if it would be okay being just a well.

The well said it didn't care, but I'd still need to toss in the coin.

I Remember

I got pulled over by a police officer. I asked what was the problem. The cop said that he was singling me out because I was the only one going the speed limit. He figured I must have been hiding something.

I thought about it. Then I remembered. I confessed to the police office that I stole a candy bar from 7-11 when I was two and a half years old. I was there with my mom. She saw one of her friends and they started talking. I wandered over to the candy aisle. I saw a Milky Way bar and I opened and ate it.

I told the police officer I didn't realize that I was stealing the candy bar. I didn't know about money at the time, and how it's used to trade for things. I was under the assumption that everything belonged to my mom which she then left out for me to eat.

A Sweet Victory

I won an Olympic gold medal for the 50 yard dash.

As I held the medal in my hands, I felt a wave of disappointment come over me. I worked my ass off, training hard for three years, avoiding friends and TV, all for a circular gold painted trinket.

But then I noticed the medal was foil covered, and I pealed away to discover the chocolate below.

I gorged and forgot what I'd been whining about.

I'm Sorry, God

God came over today to help me paint my living room.

I asked God, "What's my purpose in life?"

God said, "Painting that upstroke with your paint brush."

I said, "I think I get it, you're saying I have many purposes, not just one?"

God said, "Dude, you promised that if I came over today and helped you paint, you would stop asking me these questions!"

Sandy

When I was five, Michelle Bachmann and I used to play in the sandbox. I had my Tonka Truck bulldozer. She had a bucket and a pail. Sometimes we worked together managing the sand, sometimes we worked the sand separately.

I got an email from Michelle yesterday that said, "I have a sand box on the floor of my congressional office. I've been spending a lot of time there lately. I got a new pail and bucket. If you're ever in DC, bring that bulldozer!"

Automatic Reaction

I went to the center of the Earth to see who was around. No one was around. I waited.

Eventually a bus pulled up and let out a tour guide and a group of senior citizens.

One of the senior citizens pointed to me and asked the tour guide if I was a creature from the center of the Earth.

The tour guide said that I was. The senior citizens took pictures of me.

I smiled. I think it's impossible to not pose for a picture.

It Ain't What They Call Tea

I had tea today with singer and musician Mark Knopfler.

Initially I said I didn't care for tea. Mark Knopfler said I hadn't tried Anta-Bama tea from Portugal.

Mark and I go way back. I used to play tambourine for the band Dire Straits. My tambourine solo on Sultans of Swing has been said by many to be the source of the song's catchiness.

I humored Mark by taking a sip of Anta-Bama. It certainly didn't taste like tea. It reminded me of banana nectar if I'd ever had it.

How the Day's Unraveling

I drove my car till I got to the stop sign. I turned off the engine and put on the parking break. I sat for a while.

I noticed some birds flying by. One of the birds noticed me and it landed on the hood of my car. We looked at one another for a while.

But the car behind me honked and I turned around and pointed towards the stop sign. The person in the car behind me said I was an idiot. My feelings were hurt.

But then I looked back at the bird and felt better.

31 Days of August

I had lunch with my friend the month of August. August told me that it was thinking of switching jobs and working as a chef.

I asked August if it had gone through chef training. August, discouraged, said it hadn't. I said we could look up chef schools online. August sulked and said what's the point.

I forgot how long and difficult is the time I spend with August.

It's Hard to Be Original

I had a conversation with Saturday.

I said, "What will you be bringing tomorrow?"

Saturday said, "I never plan ahead. I make it up as I go along. I'm not like Friday, leaving nothing to chance. Friday writes it all down the day before, word for word."

I said, "So Friday wrote what we're saying now yesterday?"

Saturday hesitated responding.

I said, "Even the hesitation?"

Saturday put its head in its hands.

Time Travel

I skipped a stone on the lake. The stone kept going. The stone skipped for about a mile until it hit a walrus sunning itself out on a breaker wall.

The walrus looked over at me and said, "Hey, what's the big idea?"

I thought that was funny because it sounded like what someone from the 1930s would have said.

Getting My Feet Back on the Ground

After six months of no work, the unemployment office got me a job as assistant manager at Chick-fil-A.

I went through the two weeks of training and had my first day on the job yesterday. It was difficult work, but I was glad to have a job.

I think some of the customers sensed this because a few of them congratulated me on doing God's work.

Buster

Buster is a 12 foot scorpion who also happens to be my friend.

I met Buster when I got lost in the desert last winter. I thought Buster was a mirage so I didn't freak out. I held out my hand to greet him. Buster was surprised at my easy demeanor and shook my hand. Buster and I have been inseparable since.

Today Buster and I went into town to get sundaes at Dairy Queen. Even though Buster was wearing a cowboy hat, people lost it when they saw him. Even though he tipped his cowboy hat at the people we came upon. Even though Buster and I were holding hands and I was smiling.