Something New

The Moon told me it's thinking of quitting. It's lost its fascination with the Earth. The Moon said it's attracted to the communal living around Jupiter.

The Moon asked me what I'm up to.

I said that I recently chose a different brand of toothpaste!

Repurposing

I inherited the Empire State Building. 

I closed all the windows, filled the building full of helium, tied a hundred foot rope from the front door to a bus bench, and sat outside on the sidewalk and watched the Empire State Building flutter in the wind. 

A pigeon landed on the building and shouted, "Gidyup!"

КАМЕННЫЙ ГОСТЬ

I was still drawing a blank.

28 days of no new ideas.

I would sit locked in my study, my house staff were under strict orders to not unlock me from my room for five hours time.

At my point of greatest frustration, the ghost of Alexander Pushkin appeared in my study.

(We spoke in Russian but I will do my best to translate what we said to one another.)

I said, "Alexander, I am trolling for ideas but am finding no satisfaction."

The ghost of Alexander Pushkin said, "The disservice you do to yourself is in the looking for a gem, when a plain stone can tell a much greater tale."

I said, "But what of entertainment?"

The ghost of Alexander Pushkin said, "100 people sitting in one room. Each one a symphony to one's self, but a cacophony to the one sitting next to them. An impossible amalgam to separate and satisfy. You are left with no choice but to speak with no regard."

I leaned forward, pen in hand, to the paper on my desk. I became transfixed with the words that came pouring out of me.

When I was done, I handed what I wrote to the ghost of Alexander Pushkin. He read what I had written, tore it into shreds, said, "It's the utmost of drivel" and disappeared.

I burst into tears. The tears fell from my face into a previously neglected potted plant. The plant transformed from an indistinct stick into a vibrant flowering rose.

I said, "At last, something of value."

Change of Plans

I sat at my desk, paper and pen in front of me, waiting.

Hours passed.

The paper said, "Um, can I go?"

I said, "Sure."

The paper slipped off the desk, onto the floor, and under the couch.

The pen said, "Can I go too?"

I said, "Yes."

The pen rolled onto the floor, and then under the desk.

The desk said, "Are we done?"

I said, "Yes, we are."

The desk collapsed into pieces onto the floor. The wood reassembled itself into a go-cart.

The go cart said, "Do you want to go for a ride?"

I said, "Yes!"

I hopped in the go-cart, roared across the living room floor, out the front door, and into the street.

From the door of my home I heard the chair say, "But what about me?"

Generous

I found a bag of money in a paper bag on the sidewalk. I brought the bag of money home with me. 

I sat the bag of money at my dining room table. I made dinner and served a plate of food to the bag of money. 

The bag of money wolfed down the food, said it was delicious, and asked for more. My heart sang. 

I get so much back when I give.

The Secret Behind My Success

I qualified for the shot-put at the Summer Olympics in London. My friends are amazed and asked how I was able to do this. I said that in a past life I was a canon during the American Civil War.

A LIttle Generosity

A few months back, I won the lottery and bought Niagara Falls. I had the water diverted so it was just a cliff. I had a house built that looked out over the cliff.

Yesterday I was drinking a glass of water on the porch and the water said, "Hey, I remember this place. I once flowed over these cliffs. Can you pour me over the edge for old time's sake?" I stood at the edge of the cliff and dumped out the water. The water yelled, "Geronimo!"

Sage Advice

I went for a stroll along the beach with the ghost of author Washington Irving.

I said, "Sometimes I don't know what to write. I sit with my fingers on the keyboard and nothing ventures out. As a famous author, I was hoping you would have something to say that would enlighten me on what I should do in this predicament."

The ghost of Washington Irving said, "No. I regret that I can think of nothing to say."

Rocky

I have a pet boulder. My boulder's name is Timbuk. We travel around the country together.

Timbuk travels in the back of my pickup because Timbuk weighs over a ton. We tried traveling together in the front seat of my truck, but it was hard on the upholstery. 

Recycling

I inherited Stonehenge. I had the large rocks broken down into a concrete powder. The powder was shipped across the Atlantic to my home. I added water and redid my driveway.

My neighbor came over to check out my new driveway. I said it was made from Stonehenge. He said he made a grocery bag out of the Mona Lisa because of the purported strength of canvas from the 1500s.

The Reason Why

I couldn't sleep. My mind was filled with discord and restlessness.

I went out to my backyard, climbed the big tree, crawled into the nest of bluebirds, and fell fast asleep.

I was awoken by an argument. The bluebirds were fighting. I couldn't tell what they were saying because I don't understand chirps.

I climbed back down the tree, went inside and crawled back into my bed.

My wife woke up. She said, "You can't sleep?"

I said, "It's those damn bluebirds!"

Wishing

I went to the wishing well. 

The wishing well said, "What is it this time?" 

I said, "I wish you would be nicer to me." 

The wishing well sighed and gave me a looking over. 

The wishing well said, "You have nice legs?"

I said, "Really, you think so?"

Everyone's Got a Job

I got a summer job of laying hot tar on rooftops. I was feeling miserable in the 100 degree heat of the sun and the fumes from the smoky tar. 

God appeared out of nowhere. I asked God for help. 

God said, "See the job, do the job, stay out of the misery." 

I said, "It's easy to give that kind of advice when your job is the motivating energy of the Universe." 

God said, "Well said."

Eventually Things Get Better

I sat next to a coyote on a flight back to Chicago. The coyote spoke English. I was momentarily amazed, but that soon passed. 

So I opened the emergency exit door, grabbed a parachute and jumped out the window. The coyote jumped with me, but there was only one parachute. The coyote latched on to me, and talked the entire time till we landed in a field. 

The thing is, once we were on the ground, the coyote went back to being full coyote and howled at the moon. For some reason, this was more appealing.

Out of It

When I was nine, I was a candy addict. I was always in a sugar haze. 

Everyone I knew was drunk on something. My friend Dale used to drink so much Tang that he'd slur his words. 

His parents never noticed because they were high on beer. This leveled the playing field. 

When everyone's buzzed, no one's buzzed.

Quick Thinking!

A bunch of friends came over for a surprise visit. I didn't have enough food for a BBQ. 

So I took the time machine back to when Moses parted and crossed the Red Sea. 

I chose a swordfish, grouper, and tuna from the flopping fish on the dry sea bed, and brought them back and cooked a delicious meal!

Written in Stone

I put my hand-prints in the cement of Grumman's Chinese Theater. They thought I was John Lithgow. He must have been running late. 

The weird thing about cement is it gets under your fingernails and it adheres. I tried washing it out afterwards, but no luck. As I type this, my fingers are so heavy they are beginning to cramp.

In Spite of My Best Intentions

My plane ran out of gas. I plummeted to the earth.

I reached for the parachute but it was missing. I remembered my kids playing with the parachute in the backyard yesterday. They were having a great time.

I realized there was nothing I could do. I relaxed and sat back in my seat. It was interesting to watch the ground get closer and bigger. It reminded me of those time lapse nature films.

I noticed a mallard outside my pilot's window. The mallard was waving its wing at me.

I opened the window.

The mallard said, "You're going the wrong direction!"

I said, "I know. I'm out of gas."

The mallard said, "That's unfortunate."

I said, "I know."

The mallard said, "I wish I could help."

I said, "I appreciate it."

The mallard flew off.

I looked back at the ground and wondered if the dirt has feelings. Recently I started thinking that plants have feelings. In consideration, I've been skipping having a salad with my meals.

Piece by Piece

I sat on the floor in a room that only contained me.

I thought, "What else do I need?"

Chocolate entered my mind. I rarely eat chocolate.

I pondered, "Do I leave the peace and simplicity of this room to find chocolate?"

I left the room, took the elevator down, and exited the building. I went to the corner store. I perused the candy aisle. I found and purchased a Big n' Chunky chocolate bar. I brought the Big n' Chunky bar back to my room.

I unwrapped the candy bar and ate it.

I thought, "Am I satisfied?"

I realized I wasn't and went back out, this time to Macy's, and bought a bed, bedding, pillows, a nightstand, a lamp, a TV stand, a television, a blue-ray player, a chest of drawers, pants, shirts, underwear, socks, a rug, a rocking chair, and a copy of Picasso's Three Musicians.

The items were delivered to and set up in my room.

I thought, "I forgot to purchase a blue-ray disc to watch on my blue-ray player."

I left and went to the corner store and bought a disc of "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World." I came back home, put in the disc, laid in bed, and began to watch the movie.

I became drowsy and fell asleep. I went instantly into deep sleep. Everything I purchased, and the room and even myself were gone. There wasn't even nothing.

I woke up to the scene in "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" where Sid Caeser is trying to drive and look at his map at the same time. He can't see where he is driving and causes a great chaos on the freeway.

I heard a tapping at the window. I looked over and saw a robin looking at me. I waved. The robin nodded back.

How It Turned Out

President Obama said he was hurt that I'm Mitt Romney's Vice-Presidential running mate.

I said I'm not responsible for other people's feelings.

President Obama responded that he was going to send me to Guantanamo Bay.

I'm excited because I look good in orange.

A Different Man

I had lunch at David Bowie's house. We had double-stacked Reuben sandwiches, a bevy of turnips, and a tray of chocolate eclairs.

I said, "You seem more relaxed than usual."

David Bowie said, "That's because I've been eating whatever I feel like. For instance last night I ate an entire gallon container of cottage cheese and then went out to my garden and ate random escargot."

I said, "To what do you attribute these changes?"

David Bowie said, "The gradual attrition and then recent stoppage of songs on my mind's mental plate. My mind used to be a song heliport. The ditties would arrive day and night. There was no thought to eating or taking the time to relax. Now without the arrivals of melody wrapped rhyme structures, I have fallen for the charms of delicious morsels and the doing of nothing."

I said, "Changes are taking the pace you're going through."

David Bowie looked puzzled.

I said, "Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes?"

David Bowie said, "I haven't a clue. Would you be interested in sitting in a tub of brandy infused whipped cream with me?"

I said, "Yes!"