Reasonable Conclusion

I was standing in line at the unemployment office. Because of the inertia brought on from not working, I soon forgot why I was standing in line.

I noticed people standing in front of me, as well as behind. I felt the heat of the florescent lights above us. I noticed that the line was curved slightly in places. I thought that maybe we were a snake in a cage. I felt hungry and was excited at the prospect that we would soon be fed a mouse!

Our Special Day

I was flying the rent-a-copter with my dog Rexy when the propeller fell off. We gave each other one of those, "Oh, Geez! Now what?" looks. We plummeted.

About a 1000 yards from the ground, a flock of pelicans flew by and offered us a ride. We accepted and rode away in the pelicans' throat pouches.

As the helicopter hit the ground and exploded, my dog Rexy began to sing, "Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry, when I take you out in the surrey, when I take you out in the surrey with the fringe on top!"

It's Hard to Understand

At last night's Thank Friday It's Not God party, we got out the Ouija board. 

The planchette spelled out, "Beware of the cookies." We had a good laugh until the cookies on the snack table got up and walked out. 

 It's like Bob Dylan sang, "It's a wonder we can even feed ourselves."

Puzzled

I was resting on my boat out on the lake, when a shark came by and said, "Would you like to join me for a swim?"

I said, "No."

The shark said, "Can I rest with you on your boat then?"

I said, "Sure."

The shark climbed on the boat and lay next to me.

The shark put its fin on my hand. It was rough. I wondered how it ever became an ingredient in soup.

I Can't Help It

I looked directly into the Sun.

The Sun said, "Dude, you shouldn't do that."

I said, "I know, but you're so cute."

The Sun said, "Really, you think so?"

A Trick of the Tale

I lay in bed, looking out at the moon, when I felt the air crackle and pop as the room disappeared and I fell in time. It reminded me of the photos of cats falling. It's a limp readiness. Until you land, there's nothing you can do.

Suddenly I fell into a drum set in a recording studio. What a sound! I imagined it was like a moose accidentally running into a drum kit.

The drummer was yelling at me. I recognized him as Phil Collins. It was long ago because he still had hair. It turns out it was the rock group Genesis recording an album. Peter Gabriel was looking at me from a chair. He also had hair. A full head of hair on a now-bald person looks like a hat.

I told them I'm from the future. I found that it's best to be matter-of-fact when arriving slapdashidly as a time-traveler. At first people are like, "What?", but then, "Of course."

The Visitors

I built a fire in my backyard. I watched the smoke trail up into the night sky.

A flock of crows flew over my backyard and started coughing. They couldn't fly and crash landed on my lawn.

I gathered up the coughing and dazed crows and wrapped them in a blanket. I went inside and heated up a bottle of warm milk. I brought it out along with a dropper. I fed each of the crows warm milk with the dropper.

After about a half hour, the crows stopped coughing and were feeling better.

I apologized for the smoke. The crows said not to worry. The crows asked if they could stay the night. I said yes.

We all went inside and climbed into bed. The warmth from the crows made it so that I didn't need to turn on my electric blanket.

What Would I Have Learned Anyway?

I signed up for a writing course. The course instructors were famous dead authors. Edger Allen Poe, Charles Dickens, Kurt Vonnegut and William Shakespeare, to name a few. I was excited because ghosts tend to be more one-pointed than living people and say insightful things.

But the workshop fell flat when the mortuary delivered the dead authors, who then failed to reanimate. The organizers of the event gave us our money back.

As I was walking out, the ghost of William Shakespeare woke up, looked at me, and said, "Zounds! Nothing 'tis more mind splintering than the flapping of the tongues of quill scratchers."

A Day in the Woods

I took a walk through the forest with the ghost of Queen lead singer Freddy Mercury.

I said that I was a big fan of Queen when I was a kid and that I saw them twice in concert. I felt like a blabbing idiot. But I couldn't stop. Freddy was quite a gentleman and listened with kindness.

When I was done talking, I was exhausted and had to sit on a tree stump to recharge.

Freddy Mercury said that he liked the silence of the woods. He understood why the animals like to live there.

Checking in with the Campaign

My running mate Mitt Romney and I are in Iowa. We are standing by the side of the freeway and waving at passer-byes. Mitt says it's a great way to take the pulse of the nation. 

I asked Mitt what I'm getting paid for my new job. He said $230,000, once we get elected. Until then his campaign pays me $7.25 an hour. 

I decided to save up to buy lunch.

My Attempt to Make Life Easier

I'm working on a new book called "Fear? Okay, Yeah Sure, But Still."

In it I say fear is such a terrible feeling to live with, that it's easier on us to stop avoiding what scares us and enter the fearful situation, and if it does happen to kill us, well, at least we're no longer feeling the fear.

Just Another Morning

I opened a new box of Cap'n Crunch this morning. I reached down to the bottom for the prize. But there was no bottom of the box. All of me went in and I fell for about an hour. 

Eventually I landed on a cartoon sailing ship. The Cap'n saluted me from the mast. It was exciting. 

But I was hungry. 

It's hard to be happy.

What I Did to Get By

My girlfriend has been out of town the past five days. She returns tomorrow.

While she's been away, I left the sliding glass doors to our bedroom open and an eagle, mountain lion, ant, vulture, moose, 6 starlings, and a slug came in and have been staying with me.

The critters have torn up all the bedding and furniture. They've made a mess on the floor. They've shed everywhere. I don't want to get upset at them though because they've been great company and have kept me from feeling lonely.

Being Open to New Opportunities

Mitt Romney asked me to be his Vice-Presidential running mate. I asked if it would be okay if I still wrote my comments on facebook. He said as long as what I wrote encouraged people to vote for our ticket. 

So, here it goes: I had lunch with the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln ordered cheese fries. I chose a salad without dressing. Lincoln asked why the diet. I said I wanted to keep my figure so I would stay alluring to voters. 

Lincoln took off his stove pipe hat. Suddenly Lincoln was a 350 pound man. He said it's all in the hat. 

I ordered the hat through my phone, then asked our waitress to add a chocolate shake, 2 orders of fried cheese soup, and a moose steak. Romney/Palmer 2012!

It's Good to Know Why

I thanked my mom for giving birth to me. 

My mom said back when I was born there wasn't the internet, cable or cell phones, so there was a lot less to do. So she thought, why not have a baby?

It Wasn't My Intention

I sat down under a tree and started to cry. 

The tree said, "Why the big tears?" 

I said, "I'm lost." 

The tree said, "No, you're not, you're right here." 

I said, "That sounds like it came out of a book." 

The tree said, "And books come from trees." 

I said, "But what about the Kindle?" 

The tree started to cry.

Shedding Light

I was awakened by a tapping at my window. 

I got out of bed and opened the window to find the Moon sitting pensively.

I said, "What's going on?"

The Moon said, "I'm worried that I'll never amount to anything."

I said, "But your the Earth's nightlight!"

The Moon smiled and said, "You're right!"

Feedback

I was at home, standing by the kitchen sink, washing my dog Rexy, when I heard the snap, pop, and crackle of an impending time travel trip.

My kitchen disappeared and I was falling through time with Rexy. Even though Rexy was in mid-air, she shook her body and coated me with a spray of water.

Rexy and I landed on a concert stage during mid show. The audience went nuts. I think they thought we were part of the show. It's nice to be admired in any circumstance.

I looked around and saw Jimi Hendrix playing guitar. He was so skinny. It felt like his body wanted to cave in on itself. I think that's what accounted for the distortion he was playing.

Rexy went nuts with the loud high-pitched sounds and went over and peed on Jimi Hendrix, who didn't seem to notice. But I though that afterwards Jimi Hendrix would wonder why he smelled like dog pee.

You Never Know What to Expect

It was an especially bright day. 

I said to the Sun, "Dude, dim it down!"

The Sun took it personally and shut off all together. 

I was surprised that somebody of such stature would be as immature as me. 

Setting the Record Straight

I woke up this morning to find Saturday standing at the end of my bed, looking back at me. 

I said, "What?" 

Saturday said, "I forgot which day I am."

I said, "You're Tuesday." 

Saturday said, "Oh, thank God!"

Trying to Do My Part

To help prevent global warming I sold my car and bought a horse and chariot. 

To get in the spirit for drives, I wear a tunic and put laurel leaves on my head. 

But my new horse, Champion, is moody and sometimes stops in the middle of the freeway. Traffic backs up for miles while I wait for the tow-truck.

It's Hard to Feel Safe

I went to the ocean and sat at the water's edge. The ocean said, "To what do I owe this honor?"

The ocean is extremely kind. I think the ocean is this way because it's so big that it never has anything to fear.

In contrast, I'm ornery because I'm only six feet tall. Bigger things can land on me, I can fall into many of the Earth's holes, and someone who is six feet two inches tall can make fun of how short I am.

Hi.

Got Off My Cloud

I had lunch with Mick Jagger. He said, "I'm thinking of quitting the Rolling Stones."

I said, "If that's what you want to do, it sounds good to me."

Mick Jagger said, "But wouldn't you be upset? I mean you're a big fan and all."

I said, "Nope."

Mick Jagger said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "I have more important things to put my attention on."

Mick Jagger said, "Well then, I'm not going to quit."

I said, "Great."