The disparate parts of my day argue which was best.

Beryl

My pet rhino, Beryl, was spending the bulk of her waking time watching TV on the couch. This was getting me pissed because it was wrecking the couch. 

So I got a DVD of rhinos in their natural wild habitat and played it on the TV. Beryl got all excited and ran around the room ramming all the furniture and dent splintering the walls. The only thing she didn't wreck was the TV. 

When the DVD was over she lay down on the rubble and remote switched the TV to Judge Judy.

William Henry Harrison

I was visited by the ghost of former President William Henry Harrison. I wanted to be upfront with him and said I was unfamiliar with his accomplishments when in high office.

The ghost of Harrison said, "But you do know that I was once President of the United States of America?" I said I did.

The ghost of Harrison called out, "Hoodeeladoo!" and danced a jig.

Dreaming

Guess what? I'm dreaming about you. You have whip cream on your head and are walking a tightrope. I am shouting at you from below, "make sure not to fall, protect the topping at all costs!

The Sun

I lay out on the grass in my backyard, blissfully soaking up the Sun. 

The Sun said, "Do you miss me when I go away at night?" 

I said that I do, and that I supplant by gazing at the sun's rays reflecting off the moon. 

The Sun said, "I created the moon just so we can stay in touch." 

That's when the moon eclipsed the Sun, blotting out all light. I desperately reached around in the dark until I found my phone. I turned on the phone and smiled as the screen glowed onto my face. 

The glow said, "It's me, I thought I lost you!"

I want 2 sit on the record as it plays

I wish you were closer to my...

I never get tired of watching the stars

The Flashlight

I was outside during the day, shining my flashlight. 

The Sun said, "What are you doing?" 

I said that I was helping. 

The Sun said, "Wow, you're really making a big difference!" 

I said thanks. 

My flashlight said, "The Sun is being supercilious." 

I whispered that I agreed but it helps to look like an idiot to your benefactor so they keep wanting to help you.

The List

I gave God a list of the things I didn't like about my life and the preferred solutions.

God said, "Okay."

Suddenly I became a pig in a slaughter-house. Of course I was upset.

God said, "I understand and I'm sorry about that, but I really like bacon."

Prince and I

I went to high school with Prince. We were best buds.

Prince was the Math Club's treasurer. He shared with me that he wanted to one day become an accountant. I was second tambourine in the marching band. I shared with Prince my ambitions to one day play in Parliament-Funkadelic. We used to make fun of each other's ambitions.

One day curiosity got the best of us and we decided to trade lives for a week. Within a week Prince was made first tambourine, and I became Vice-President of the Math Club. We never looked back.

"Do you want to share a room?"

My bike

My bike wanted me to take it for a ride. I said that I was too busy with work, but if it wanted to, it could go for a ride by itself. My bike said yes. 

I looked up from my work at one point and saw my bike waving at me as it rode up and down the street. I waved back. 

After another hour of work I looked up again and saw my bike waving frantically as it rode by, saying, "Look at me, look at me! I found some friends!"

Bickers

My pet firefly Bickers said, "I'm tired of lighting up at night because it keeps me from falling asleep." 

I asked Bickers why would he want to sleep. He only lives two months. That doesn't leave him much time to get things done. 

Bickers said, "Getting things done is not important to me like it is to you." 

I got out a thimble from my sewing kit and put it on Bicker's butt. Bickers was asleep in seconds.

Dean Radin Tested

Because I want you to get the best Better Late than Dead blog posts I can possibly write, I work with famed noetic parapsychologist scientist, Dean Radin, who lab tests all my posts.

The above picture is taken of Dean doing lab research on my post about an elephant that has extensive, rational, and visionary thoughts, but lives in extreme frustration because he can only express himself through a limited range of trumpet sounds.