If you live your life like a log floating down a river, people will say you're lazy. 

But at least you won't catch fire.

New Job

I took my time machine back to Richmond in 1839 and got a job working for Burton's Gentleman's magazine. I was hired as a writer. The editor, my boss, was Edgar Allen Poe.

I was assigned to write about a law that was passed that allowed women to own property. Poe wanted me to slant it to point out the law's "absurdity."

I said, "Change is inevitable. When it's circumscribed, we wear ourselves down in useless turmoil."

He said, "Your foolish temperament is the definition of impudence!"

I thought about the time difference and said, "You're probably right."

Roomie

I got a new roommate through Craigslist. He's the former President of Ukraine, Viktor Yanukovych.

Viktor moved in yesterday. He didn't have many things because he had to move quickly. He only had a suitcase of clothes and some books. 

He was exhausted and slept till noon today.

Resolved

I was feeling sad. 

A cloud came down from the sky and asked what was wrong. 

I said that I miss the sun because the cloud was covering it up. 

The cloud felt badly and started to cry. 

After that there was no more cloud and I was happy.

Whatever doesn't kill you helps educate the thing that eventually will.

Jupiter

   Click to listen to Jupiter from my album Shake the Sun

 

Shake the Sun on itunes

TV

Last night I watched myself on TV.

At one point I saw my TV self look from the screen and wave at me sitting on the couch.

I looked around to see who the TV me was waving at.

The TV me said, "No, you, stupid."

I got up, turned off the TV, and sat back on the couch.

I'm getting better at taking care of myself.

Noted

I took a walk with Leonardo Dicaprio along the ocean.

I asked if he thought he would win an Academy Award this year.

He said he didn't know.

I said I thought he would.

Leonardo remarked about the beauty of the ocean.

I said I didn't notice because I was enamored to be walking with an Academy Award nominee.

Leonardo said that I ought to get over my award's obsession because he's not anymore special than I am.

I got out my notepad and pen and asked him to repeat what he said so I could write it down.

Keep Going

I wrote a book about a talking toaster.

It was published by Random House. It only sold a few copies.

I felt like a failure.

But then a few months later I was contacted by a movie producer from Walt Disney pictures. He'd read my book and wanted to make an animated movie version.

I agreed and the movie was made. It featured the voice Al Pacino.

Only a handful of people went to see the movie.

I was depressed.

Not long after, I met up with a friend I hadn't seen since high school. He asked me why I was so down.

I told him my experiences from the past few years. He said that I shouldn't give up. That you never know what's around the corner.

So I'm working on a book about a pair of talking trousers.

Just Asking

I looked up at the Moon. 

I said, "Hey, Moon, do you hear me?" 

The Moon said, "Sometimes, but not right now."

Angel

An angel came by today.

I said, "Oh, wow! An angel! I'm so lucky. What fortune will you be bestowing on me?"

The angel said, "I'm just like everyone else."

I said, "But you're an angel. You're special, right?"

The angel said, "It must be hard for people to get to know you."

A Good Arrangement

I had lunch with Chris Christie. 

He told me he's excited about watching the Super Bowl.

I told him I'm not watching the game. 

He asked me why not. 

I said it doesn't interest me. 

We sat quietly for a couple of minutes. 

We have the kind of friendship where if neither of us have anything to say in the moment, we sit in silence.

Oh, Well

I got a pet shark. His name is Fred. I keep him in a 20,000 gallon fish tank in my living room. 

I swim with him everyday to keep him company. 

This morning I forgot to feed Fred the shark before swimming with him and he tried to eat me. I yelled at Fred and he felt badly. 

I knew it was my fault, but I have a hard time admitting when I am wrong.

This Afternoon

I sat in a puddle. 

Someone came by and asked me why I was sitting in a puddle. 

I said that it was comforting. 

He sat down in the puddle and said that it felt unsettling. 

Another person came by and asked what we were doing sitting in a puddle. 

I said having an argument.

Lilac

I went for a walk through the lilac field with the ghost of George Washington. 

Washington's ghost said that the lilac's pale tone of violet reminded him of the pleasant summer sunsets in the capital city. 

I said the lilacs reminded me of themselves.