Fetch

I asked my dog Rexy, "What's the meaning of life?"

Rexy said, "A meaning is like a name placard next to a painting. If you're reading it, you're missing the painting. Can you just toss the stick and I'll chase it?"

Second Sun

Late last night while playing guitar, I was visited by the ghost of Kurt Cobain, the lead singer of the band Nirvana.

I actually stood up to greet him. Some celebrities bring out the enamors in me. The magic juice flows and I'm inebriated.

Kurt told me to sit down. He said one of the greatest things is sitting. It means there's no better place to be than this chair.

Kurt asked me to play one of my songs. I played him Second Sun. It's about the day the Sun split in two and there were two Suns. One on each side of the planet. So there were no more night times. People never slept. It was fun till they got really tired. But they couldn't sleep because it wasn't dark. So people had to dig holes in the ground, just like desert critters, so they could get some sleep. The Second Sun got angry and crashed into the Earth, but people were underground so they were okay. The Second Sun gave up and flew away.

Kurt cried. He said that he thought he would stop crying when he died. But it wasn't so. I said you can't escape your nature.

Craps!

I was gambling in Las Vegas. I was up $75,000 at the craps table. I bet it all on seven.

I gave the dice to my dog Rexy to throw for good luck. She ate the dice.

The dealer didn't know what to do. He went to the casino's floor manager. The dealer came back and said we had to sit around and wait to see how the numbers came out.

Knows It All

I was walking through the Arctic when I came upon a carrot-nosed snowman.

I said, "I thought you only existed in front of people's houses."

The snowman said, "It must be a lot of pressure to think that you know everything."

I said, "It is."

Wave

I felt myself falling back in time. I saw moments pass by like cards being shuffled.

Then I found myself on the deck of a ship during a storm. A mighty wave crashed into me. I flew across the deck and grabbed a rope. I didn't know if I could hold on. I was coughing up sea water.

Another wave collapsed on me. I lost my grip and went overboard. The water was icy cold. I watched the ship bob two stories above me, then fall three below.

For a brief second, I saw a person tied to the ship's mast. He was intently taking in the cacophony of wind, rain, and waves. I remembered my college art history class. There was a British painter named William Turner. He asked to be tied to ship's masts during storms so he could memorize images for future paintings.

I saw the man again. His eyes alighted on me with great curiosity. I waved. I know you're not supposed to do that with celebrities. But I get overwhelmed.

A wave lifted me up onto the ship's mast. I grabbed and held on tightly to the ropes. I discovered myself to be inches from the face of the man tied to the mast.

I asked his name. He confirmed my guess. I said I was a big fan. Again, something you're not supposed to do.

Divergence

I sat in the desert and cried.

An armadillo came by and said, "You're doing a lousy job of watering the desert."

I laughed. The armadillo helped me up.

We walked paw in hand till we got to Filbert's Shake Stand.

I had a lemon-lime shake. The armadillo had a gnat shake.

We sipped and watched cars drive by.

Who's Hungry

I stood outside the lion's cage. We both noticed that the cage door was unlatched.

The lion got a hungry gleam in its eye.

I said, "Don't count your blessings. I haven't had lunch."

Compromise

My dog Rexy said, "Can we go for a walk?"

I said, "No. It's raining. I lost my umbrella and I don't want to get wet."

Rexy said, "Think of it like taking a shower."

I said okay and walked Rexy while naked. I carried a bar of soap and sudsed up to prevent any trouble with the law.

What're Ya Gonna Do?

I climbed the eight hours up the mountain side to visit my Guru's cave.

When I got there, my Guru said, "What is it now, Brooks?"

I said, "Nothing. I just came to visit."

My Guru said, "Well, then let me tell you what's bugging me. I hate living in a cave. I miss TV. I miss women. I'm tired of being bitten by bats. No matter how many blankets I wear, I can never get warm enough. My ass hurts sitting on the cave floor. I'm tired of people's problems. I'm sick of philosophy. I miss pizza."

I didn't say anything.

My Guru said, "Oh, my God. I sound like everyone that comes to visit me."

I said, "It's hard being human."

Shhh

I was staying at a Holiday Inn in Edmonton, BC. I like to visit Canada because it's quieter than the USA. In Canada, people apologize if they walk too hard.

I caught the elevator down to the lobby. A few floors down, the elevator stopped and let in the members of the band Pearl Jam. We all said hi. I'm thankful for, "Hi." It's the only really useful and friendly thing you can say to someone else. Pretty much anything said after hello is a mistake.

The elevator doors closed and we descended. We all looked down and said nothing. The doors opened up to the lobby. The band went out, walked through the lobby, out to the street, and got in a limo for their show that night at the Pacific Coliseum.

I sat on a sofa in the lobby next to the fish tank. I watched a goldfish wander into the castle in the aquarium. The goldfish stayed in there for a while.

And That's the Way It Is

This morning I took a stroll with the ghost of news anchor Walter Cronkite.

We walked arm in arm. Ghosts don't have a problem with public displays of affection since it's rare that people can actually see them.

Cronkite said, "You seem nervous."

I said, "I am. You were such a big deal authority figure for me when I was a kid."

Cronkite said, "While alive, I pooped, ate food, smelled, swore, and burped just like everyone else."

I said, "Yes, but not on the air."

Cronkite said, "In 1967, I proposed a news show to the executives at CBS in which I would deliver the news in my underwear, with uncombed hair, drinking directly from a bottle of red wine, while sitting at my messy kitchen table. The executives were interested and shot a pilot. The show was test marketed. Most people said the show was lousy because it reminded them of their own lives. It never made it to the air. I was depressed for years."

A bird flew down, landed in Cronkite's hair, and laid an egg. A tear came to Cronkite's eye.

Cronkite said, "It's nice to get any kind of acknowledgment."

At the Circus!

I was at the circus. The clowns were spotlighted in the center ring. The clowns asked for a volunteer. I raised my hand. They invited me down.

I stood amidst the clowns. They opened the door to the clown car. I got in. 16 clowns followed me.

We drove out of the arena. We got on the freeway and drove south for a while. I fell asleep.

When I woke up, the clown car was parking. The door opened. The clowns got out. I was the last to exit into bright sunshine.

We were at a beach in Key West, Florida.

I said I didn't have a bathing suit. The clowns gave me an over-sized bright orange bathing suit with silver suspenders.

I put it on, jumped into the water and went for a swim.

Noticing

I was flying my plane when I caught up to a mallard flying south.

I opened the plane's window and said, "Where's the rest of your group?"

The mallard said, "I slept in and they left without me."

I said, "Would you like a ride?"

The mallard said yes. I put the plane on auto-pilot and opened the plane's door. The mallard flew in.

The mallard sat next to me in the cockpit. The mallard looked out the window.

The mallard said, "This is a pretty nice view. I never get a chance to notice because I'm usually so busy flapping my wings."

Good Manners

I was walking through the woods when I came upon a unicorn.

I said hi. The unicorn nodded back. I kept walking.

I like to respect the privacy of celebrities.

Sipping with Pinky

I was sitting in the backyard, sipping lemonade with my pet porcupine Pinky.

A bee that was flying around Pinky's glass, landed in the lemonade and drowned. Pinky picked up the bee and ate it.

Pinky said, "Oh, my God, that was delicious!"

I said, "You have a proclivity towards things barbed."

Pinky said, "Well, my friend, so do you."