Detour

I walked on water. I needed to get across the lake and time was of the essence. I didn't really think about it. But then someone taped it and put it on youtube and there was a big to-do.

Suddenly people were calling and asking me to teach them how to walk on water. I asked them if they needed to get across a body of water and were in a hurry. They said no. They wanted to be able to impress their friends.

I said a good way to impress people is to give them gifts. They got angry at me and hung up.

It's So Nice We Had This Time Together

This morning I had breakfast with Carol Burnett. I'm a big fan. I used to watch her TV show when I was a kid.

I said, "What do you dream about?"

Carol Burnett said, "Last night I dreamnt I was crossing the country by foot with Jimmy Stewart. We don't say much. Mostly it was nice to have the company. How about you?"

I said, "I had this dream where I was the Earth, and I was tired and bored of orbiting around the Sun, so I left and went wandering around the solar system. Eventually I found a nice place to park. After a few minutes I got depressed when I realized that I felt no different."

Carol looked off.

I said, "Is everything okay?"

Carol said, "I was trying to remember why I agreed to have breakfast with you."

Oh, Well part three

I bought a haunted house. I asked the ghosts if they would help with the housework in exchange for room and board. They accepted. I think anyone that is acting wacky in some kind of way just needs something to do.

Oh, Well part 2

The camel said, "Look, I'm tired of being ridden. I'd rather go for walks by myself."

I said okay. The camel was never a comfortable ride. Plus it was cumbersome traveling with a shovel and a large burlap bag.

Oh, well

I woke up this morning in a strange bed. My mattress was on the rings of Saturn.

I quickly got over my puzzlement though when I became dazzled by the view.

Dry Ice

I went for a walk on the glacier.

I said to the glacier, "Do you ever get bored?"

The glacier said, "Occasionally. What I end up doing is waiting till midnight when everyone is sleeping, then I melt, evaporate, catch some wind and travel to and rain on New York City. Then I go through the reverse process and come back by sunrise."

I slipped and slid down the length of the glacier. I ended up on the grass below.

Helping History

I was relaxing in my living room when my sofa and home disappeared. I was free-falling through time.

I heard snippets of phrases fly by, like, "Joan, I don't care for this melted slurpee..." "Look, this is no place for an elephant!" Time travel is like flipping through the pages in a book without having time to notice what's on them, but every once in a while you glimpse some words or catch a face in a photo.

Suddenly I landed in Appomattox Court House, April 9, 1865. Confederate General Robert E. Lee was surrendering to Union General US Grant. I sensed it was an awkward moment. When someone surrenders to you, they are basically saying they are sorry. You want to point at them and say, "In your face!" or skip around the room singing Hooray! But you also want to prevent the other person from getting angry and starting up their craziness all over again.

After the surrender I went up to General Lee and offered my condolences.

General Lee said, "I appreciate your kind words, but I worry how the future shall see me. Will I be a cur and a viper in my children's children's children's eyes?"

I said, "Yours is not to worry. I am from the future and I triumphantly and respectfully play you in my second grade's school play about the Civil War."

General Lee said, "You man, this news soothes my aching and broken soul."

I didn't tell General Lee that I forgot my lines, peed my pants, and was booed off stage.

Rough Patch

Mary Todd Lincoln, President Lincoln's wife, joined me in my garden.

Mary Todd said, "When I was alive, I spent most of my days tending to the White House garden. I was desperate for tenderness and soft pettles were my dearest of friends."

I said, "I don't grow anything tender. The bugs and the weather have a way of devouring and destroying them. I prefer growing turnips and beets."

Mary Todd Lincoln became downcast. I felt like an idiot. Mrs. Lincoln was looking for some kindness and I was being rough-hewn.

So I said, "Um, you look kind of nice."

Mary Todd Lincoln blushed and fluttered her eye lashes and said, "Oh my! Why you are much, much, much too kind sir!"

Oh my God, I hit on Lincoln's wife!

Confessing

I went to Confession.

I said, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I failed to come to a complete stop at a stop sign."

The priest said, "Seriously, is that it?"

I said, "Yes."

The priest got up, left the confessional, pulled me out of the confession booth and took me to a bar. The priest got me drunk. Then we went to a grocery store and the priest convinced me to shoplift some apples. Then we got back in my car and the priest had me crash into a light post.

We walked back to the church, the priest pushed me into the confessional, and then he went over to his side.

The priest said, "Yes, my son?"

I said, "Forgive me father, I forgot to tip the bartender."

The priest said, "Never mind."

Wishing Well

I went to the wishing well.

The wishing well said, "Yes, what is it this time?"

I said, "I don't know what I want."

The wishing well said, "Maybe you'll be alright without a day of needing something to feel okay."

I said, "Yes, I want that!"

The wishing well said, "Oh, jeez."

Back to the Beginning

I was writing at my desk when my desk said, "I miss being a tree."

I said, "I understand. Is there anything I can do?"

My desk said, "Yes, can you release me back into the forest?"

I said, "Sure."

I loaded my desk into my truck and drove three hours to the woods. I put the desk on a dolly and pushed it deep into the woods.

Suddenly my desk said, "Here would be nice."

I set my desk down on the forest floor.

I said, "Anything else, or will that be it?"

My desk said, "This will be fine, thanks."

I said goodbye and walked back to my car.

As I drove home, I was inspired and felt compelled to go back to The Creaking Cradle, the orphanage where I started out in the world. I drove the 16 hours. When I got there, I found that it was now a 7-11. I got a cherry slurpee.

Enjoying Time Off

A meteor the size of Manhattan was approaching the Earth. Governments built spaceships and moved everyone off the planet and onto the moon.

I was the only one who stayed.

I was sitting out by Lake Michigan, enjoying the peace and quiet of an abandoned planet, when the meteor bust through the Earth's atmosphere and hurtled towards land.

The meteor hit the lake at an angle, and instead of plunging, skipped the entire 307 miles of water, landing on the edge of Detroit.

It reminded me of when my father taught me how to skip stones when I was a kid. A confident whip of the wrist could send a stone kissing the surface of the water fourteen or fifteen times before it sank.

Orbiting

I looked up at the moon and said, "Do you ever get tired of living in the Earth's orbit?"

The moon said, "Once. It was about a hundred thousand years ago. I'd had enough and left. I wandered aimlessly. Then for a while I was a moon around Jupiter. We got along really well at first. But I was always complaining about the Earth and Jupiter got tired of hearing it and kicked me out of its orbit."

I said, "Why did you come back?"

The moon said, "I got a letter from the Earth saying it decided to create life forms, and it needed me to manipulate the appropriate weather systems necessary to sustain living organisms."

I said, "I guess in the end we all need to feel wanted."

The Power of Inquiry

I walked deep into the woods and came upon a beautiful waterfall. I stood under the waterfall and realized what I thought was water was Coca-Cola. The thing about soda is it smells and tastes good, but when used as a shower, it's sticky.

I said to the waterfall, "Can you switch to water so I can wash off the soda?"

The waterfall said, "Sure, just give me a second."

I waited and pretty soon the waterfall switched to water. I've been learning that it helps to ask.

Nothing's Real

I was joined in my morning walk by the ghost of Mata Hari. She was executed for being a double agent during the First World War.

I said, "What was it like being a spy?"

Mata Hari said, "I wasn't one. I alluded to being a spy to attract attention and audiences to my exotic dance shows."

I said, "That's terrible that you had to die for your work."

Mata Hari, "Yes, but I would have died eventually."

I said, "I think I get caught up in other people's stories."

Mata Hari said, "Then you are a lover of fiction. Most of what we hear about other's lives is fabricated."

I said, "When I was in first grade, there was a rumor that I ate bugs. I never ate them. But I did nothing to discredit these stories. It made me popular. People called my Bugsy. My false life allowed me to kiss Leah Stubbers. The funny thing is she actually ate potato bugs."