It turns out...

Writing comedy is like mowing the lawn drunk. You think you did a good job.

Revelation

I was a slow typer. I decided to take a typing class. In three months I went from 12 words a minute to 73 w.p.m. I felt good to write as fast as my thoughts. Sometimes I would look down at my fingers and it looked like they were dancing.

There was someone in class who typed 132 w.p.m. I couldn't figure out how she could type so fast. Finally I asked her. She said that her dad was Fiddlin' Arthur Smith. He played fiddle with a Dixieland band called the Fruit Jar Drinkers. They were regular performers at the Grand Ole Opry. She used to watch him perform. She said he had lightning fast fingers. Sometimes they moved so fast they were a blur. She asked him how could play so swiftly. He said, "Sweetness, when I turn on the faucet, I let the water do its job."

That night I went to iTunes and downloaded Fiddlin' Smith's song, "Beautiful Brown Eyes." I played it while I typed. I got up to 75 wpm. I was frustrated. But then I heard a line in the song that said, "When I go to sleep at night, I dream of your beautiful brown eyes, those beautiful brown eyes, oh those beautiful brown eyes" and I started to cry. I couldn't stop. I soaked the front of my shirt. I thought, "Oh, my God, this song is about me, I have brown eyes!"

Drinking

I got a bottle of whiskey in the mail. It was a Christmas present from my sister. I don't drink. I thought, "What am I going to do with this?" I took off the cap and was about to pour it in the sink.

My pet iguana was watching me. He said, "Hey, can I have a little of that?"

I poured some whiskey in the bottle's cap and set it in his cage. He lapped it down fast. He started singing, "Another One's Bites the Dust." The thing is, he just kept singing the chorus. After about a half hour it started bothering me.

I said, "Excuse me, but can you stop singing that?"

The iguana got angry. He stood on his hind legs and said, "You can't tell me what to do. You think you're my owner? Go to hell!"

He passed out. I poured out the rest of the whiskey.

I was concerned for the iguana. I put a little cotton ball under his head for a pillow. I dissolved an aspirin in his water bowl which I'm thinking will be helpful when he wakes up tomorrow morning.

Away

Every Christmas I take my boat out on the lake by myself. As I was rowing tonight, I thought, "Oh, my God, it's soooo cold! Why do I do this?" And then I got way out there and stopped and I remembered. It was so quiet. I felt peaceful. I was shivering. But I was happy.

I sat in my boat and looked out at pure darkness. The water was like ink. I couldn't see the horizon. The sky was mostly black, with the stars covered up by the clouds. I could feel my heart breathing. The only thought I had was, "Oh, wow, I'm not thinking anything."

I noticed the outline of a big grouper fish near my boat. It was looking at me and nodded.

I said, "Hello. Merry Christmas!"

The fish said, "The same to you."

I was a little upset that my silent time had been disturbed. But then we didn't say anything for a good half hour. It was nice being silent together.

A Nice Present

I got woken up late last night by a noise in my living room. I got out of bed to check it out. It was Santa. He said, "Sorry, I'm a day early. I hope you don't mind. It's just that I found I couldn't get it all done in one evening."

I said, "It's okay. It's a nice surprise."

He handed me my present. I said, "Can I open it up early?" He nodded yes.

I opened it up. It was a bag of coal. I was so excited!

I said, "Oh, my God! This is great! I love drawing with charcoal, and I like using the briquettes more than charcoal sticks because I like gripping when I draw. It's more primal."

That's true. I'm inspired by cave paintings.

Being Santa

I got a job as Santa at Macy's. I dressed up in the suit and went out and sat in the big red chair. I looked out at the line. They were all adults. I said to the elf assistant, "Where are their kids?" The elf said, "No kids."

I said, "Ho-ho-ho, okay, who's next?"

This older guy came up to me. He was about sixty. He sat on my thigh. He was heavy.

I said, "Tell Santa what you'd like for Christmas."

The guy was weary. He sighed. I said, "Don't be shy."

The guy said, "Well, Santa. I'd like to not feel so lousy when I get up in the morning. And I'd like to get over my TV addiction...." He started coughing. The elf handed the man some kleenex. The guy coughed into it.

I didn't know what to say. I thought it was best to listen and be encouraging. I said, "Okay, well have yourself a merry little Christmas."

He looked away and quietly said, "Thank you, Santa."

He got up and left. A woman came up and sat on my knee. I said, "Yes, young lady, tell Santa what you want for Christmas."

She said, "Santa, I want to be able to sleep through the night. I wake up so much. I never feel rested. I'd also like to stop worrying so much. It's not like I have a lot of problems. But I can't stop worrying...Umm, I'd like to lose some weight. Not a lot. Just twenty pounds." She was crying.

I looked over at the elf for assistance. He shrugged. I nodded towards the tissue box. He grabbed a few tissues and handed them too her.

I waited while she dried her eyes and then said, "Okay, well, um, Santa will see what he can do...Merrrrry Christmas!"

She got up slowly and thanked me.

Next was a very elderly man. He walked slowly with great difficulty. He very carefully sat on my leg. He was so light that I could barely tell he was there.

I said, "Ho-ho-ho, and what would you like for Christmas?"

He didn't say anything for a while. Then he said, "I don't want anything. I'm tired and need to rest."

I said, "Okay, take your time."

Growing Up

I never finished public school. I got as far as third grade and I lost interest. I stayed at home and watched a lot of TV and took naps. My parents went along with what I did. They knew that if they tried and forced me to go to school, I wouldn't have been open and I would have learned nothing.

Sometimes I would leave the house and take long strolls outside. I walked without a destination. I became fascinated with sidewalks. I loved their different sizes and textures. I liked how some were new and shiny, and others were faded by thousands of footsteps.

Some days I would go for a walk in the woods. I'd bring an axe with me in case I found a fallen tree. When I discovered one, I'd carve away at the tree. Sometimes I'd carve the figure of a tree. Other times I would carve a tombstone.

Five years went by. My father took me aside and said, "I wish I could leave my job and do what you do?"

I said, "Great."

The next day he quit work and followed in my footsteps. Sometimes we'd watch the same TV show. Or if we had different shows we liked, we watched separately in different rooms.

He got a fascination for pine cones. He'd spend the entire morning collecting them. The afternoon would be spent investigating them.

My mother got upset at my dad for quitting his job. She'd say, "Why are you doing this?" He'd say something like, "It's giving me the chance to finally grow the beard I've always wanted."

She got so resentful of him that I said to my mom, "Why are you so angry at dad?"

She said, "Because I don't want to work either."

I said, "Okay, good."

She quit work the next day. We had to get a third TV for the times we all wanted to watch different programs.

Snowman

I was leaving my house this morning to go to work and I was stopped by the snowman in my front yard.

The snowman said, "Hey, I was wondering if you can take me with you?"

I said, "Really?"

The snowman said, "Yes. I'm bored and I think I'd like the change of pace."

I said okay. I backed my car up to the front yard. I tipped the snowman over into the passenger seat. I put on it's seat belt and drove to work.

When I got to work, I got a cart from shipping and receiving and put the snowman on it and pushed him up to my office. I set him on the floor. I turned off the heat, closed the door and opened the window. I had to wear my coat while I worked, but I didn't mind.

In the evening I drove back home with the snowman.

The snowman said, "Do you like working at your job?"

I said, "Sometimes. Though some days I envy you, just hanging out all day in the yard."

The snowman said, "I was feeling the same way about you having a place to work everyday. But then after spending the day with you, I changed my mind."

Conversations with My Robot

This morning I asked my robot, "Do you feel love?"

My robot thought for a second and then said, "My awareness has noticed that sometimes I favor a few things more than others. Is that love?"

I said, "Yes."

My robot said, "Oh, no."

Free Falling

I went walking out on the ice covered Lake Michigan. It was scary at first because I was afraid I would fall through. I tip-toad. But then I thought, "It's not how hard I step. It's all about my weight." The ice held up like I was walking on concrete.

I relaxed and ran and stomped like a crazy man. I fell over a few times. Sometimes I slid. The ice was flawless, so I would glide for about a minute.

Because I was having such a good time, I lost track of where I was. I couldn't see any land. There was just ice stretching everywhere. The sun had dipped down beyond the horizon so I had no idea of which direction to head.

I thought to just stand and wait and it would come to me which direction to walk. But I didn't get the feeling. Mostly I was aware of how quiet it was. The wind whistled by me now and then, but it didn't affect the profound silence. I thought I could get swallowed up by it. I couldn't move my feet. I thought, "Oh, no. I'm going to freeze."

I felt a nudge from behind. I managed to turn around. There was a polar bear a few inches away. I figured I was hallucinating because they're not native to Chicago. It made sense because one of the symptoms of hypothermia is imagining things that aren't there. Then I remembered another symptom is you no longer feel the cold. You actually experience the feeling of warmth of sun. I thought, "Well, at least I'm going to have a fun death."

The polar bear held out it's paw. I took it in my hand. We walked along the ice. At one point I started to skip. The polar bear didn't. I don't think their bodies can do it.

I started to lose sensation in my feet. I fell to the ice. The polar bear picked me up and put me on his back. I held on to his thick fur. I started to feel warm again. It didn't feel like the imaginary kind. I fell asleep.

I woke up in the hospital. I had a bunch of i-vee's in my arm. One of my feet were bandaged. My head hurt a lot. The nurse came over and asked how I was feeling. I said, "soooo tired." The nurse said, "You're lucky to be alive...There's someone waiting to see you." The nurse opened to door to my room and said, "You can come on in."

The polar bear walked in. He said, "I'm so glad you're going to be okay. You know it's really strange. I never come this far south. But I found myself walking this direction. And then, lo and behold, I found you."

I said, "I thought you were a hallucination."

The polar bear said, "I know, I thought the same thing when I first saw you!"

NYC

I won an all expense trip to New York City. I'd never been there before. I got in Monday morning. I walked around Times Square. I got overwhelmed by the lights and tall buildings. There were too many people. I ran away.

I kept going until I got to Central Park. I felt calm again. I walked along a pond. A frog waved at me. I nodded back. The frog caught a fly with its tongue. It asked me if I wanted some. I said, "No, thanks."

A squirrel came up to me. I said hello. The squirrel asked me if I had any nuts. I said no. She seemed upset. I asked if that was so. She said no, that she was generally nervous.

I walked by the zoo. I looked at a hippo in its cage. The hippo asked if I was from out of town. I said yes. The hippo asked me to jump the fence and come over and scratch its back. I did. I was scratching the hippo's back when one of the zoo employees yelled at me to stop doing that.

I moved on till I got to an open field. I laid down and closed my eyes. The sun felt good on my face. I felt a tickle as an ant crawled up my neck and then to the tip of my nose. The ant said, "Excuse me!"

I opened my eyes. "Yes?"

The ant said, "You're laying on our ant hill. I'm wondering if you could please move?"

I said, "Hey, I didn't know, alright?! Jeez, seriously, do you think I actually decided to lay on top of your friggen' house?!!"

The ant said, "Hey, calm down. I was just asking you to move, that's all."

I sat up. I said, "No, I'm sorry. I'm not usually like this." I put the ant on my fingertip to set it down.

The ant said, "Gottfried Leibniz, the 17th century French philosopher was known for creating optimism. He felt that our Universe was the best possible one God could make. When we think it's otherwise, well, we might as well piss in our shoes."